Tag Archives: weight loss

Bullets and Bunnies: Not Thinking About the Date Edition

22 Jun
  • First of all – Wow! You guys are amazing. Your comments and feedback on my last post were just… Wow. You know what I found amazing? That a lot of you felt like you had been “doing it wrong” in leaving comments on those tragedies, and were questioning your support of women like me. And every one of you who wrote that sentiment is a woman who at least in my experience has been an amazing source of support. Just like us to be judgmental of ourselves, isn’t it? Give yourselves a bit more credit ladies!
  • I did want to clarify one thing: I don’t think saying “I’m sorry for your loss” is a bad thing, per se. I think my issue is more about “hit and run” support, and the undertone of pity that is felt in some people’s comments that I’ve come by. A few of you pointed out – and rightly so – that sometimes that’s all you can get out, and there are women who need that small gesture. I agree. If you can’t find the words, “I’m sorry for your loss” is a good place to begin. I echo your sentiments when I say that the best thing to do is to stick around afterward. It’s the ongoing support that means the most, and is most needed. 
  • Speaking of train-wrecks – did you guys see the dramz about this Courtney chick? What happened was a couple of days ago this woman who had only been blogging for a month or so announced that she had lost her two-month-old daughter in a car crash, after losing her first daughter to a cord incident at 37 weeks. She was called out as a fake and then deleted her blog. At first I was horrified that people were accusing her of faking. Then (before she had deleted the blog) I poked around in her archives. There were definite holes in the story. But the most disturbing thing was that less than 24 hours after her “rainbow” supposedly passed away, her timeline was updated to reflect it, as was her profile, and – well, everything. Plus she posted like 4 times in the first 24 hours after the “rainbow”‘s supposed passing. I don’t know about the rest of you babyloss moms out there, but that’s what clinched it for me. I could barely bring myself to post two sentences on the day Nadav passed. And it took forever for me to update everything else. I was barely coherent for days. It was all very fishy, and the deletion of the blog just cemented it. I wasn’t mad though. i just kind of felt sorry for this woman. I mean, who would WANT to be a part of this club? What do you guys think? 
  • Today was diet day one and ZOMG this is going to be hard. My cousin put me on a week of detox. Very few carbs, no sugar except through fruit, not much of anything really. I’ll get my carbs back eventually, though. I guess that’s an upside. I just hope this week o’ hell will reflect nicely on the scale next week. So far I’m having mad sugar withdrawal. 
  • I have been so in my head over the last week that my inbox is packed with emails that I haven’t answered. I want to, I just can’t bring myself to concentrate today. Same with the blogs. I’ve been such a crap commenter this week. Bad bad me. 
  • Honestly? I just want to get past today. 21 -ish more hours and this day will be behind me and hopefully things will be easier. 
  • Here are two bunnies to make up for the bullet points:
Ok – distract me! What have you all been up to?

Quick medical update

10 Jan

I’m working on a hella-long post for later which has nothing to do with this stuff, but for you curious readers, I went to the doctor today, which calmed me down considerably and will hopefully keep me off the crazy-google-machine at least for a while.

So here’s the breakdown:

1) Vitamin D supplements prescribed (apparently mine is hella-low and that can contribute to MC’s)

2) I have to go and do the stupid 24 hour blood pressure test thingy AGAIN! Because results were apparently inconclusive.

3) My cholesterol is through the roof so she referred me to a dietician.

I am happy to report that it wasn’t Lupus. 🙂

17 day diet my ass!

9 Jan

Ok – I watch Dr. Phil. I know, it’s a show that is at times ridiculous, incredibly preachy, and cheesy on many levels. But I watch it. Sue me.

Today I saw the episode kicking off the shill-a-thon that is the “17 day diet challenge”, and I’m pissed off.

This man is supposed to be a mental health professional and it’s seriously upsetting to me that he’s pimping out this BS program.

I’ll start by saying this: weight issues are solved not by changing what you eat (though of course that is something you need to do). Weight issues are caused by emotional eating. They are a symptom! Not the problem.

And the fact that this supposed mental health professional basically ignores this  in what he preaches is incredibly upsetting to me.

I’ve written here before about my own struggles with my weight. Since the age of 17, I’ve been yo-yoing between 120 pounds and 190 pounds.

I gain the weight, go on a diet, lose the weight, and then gain it again.

Now that I have some clarity – it’s obvious to me why this happens.

I was depressed, I suffered from extreme anxiety. I self-medicated with food.

I was raised to see food as a comfort. I celebrated with food, I mourned with food, I ate and ate “because I deserved it”.

I do not know one single person who is overweight, that does not also have problems with depression, anxiety, and/or low self-esteem. Not one. I literally ran through every person I know who has weight issues, and they all meet this criteria.

Since going on zoloft, and beginning to deal with my emotional issues, I have lost weight, and I’ve done so without even trying. I don’t have the urge to binge anymore, I’m not obsessed with food, and I no longer eat until I’m stuffed – only until I’m full.

I realize that especially because of my high cholesterol and high blood pressure I need to take more steps to eat healthier, and I need to exercise more. I’m working on it, step by step, and getting better at it every day.

There is no magic diet. You lose weight by eating healthy and moving your body. It’s not rocket science, yet people struggle with it all the time.

“Dr” Phil showed taped segments of the competitors in this 17 diet whatever, and each one of them mentioned, at least in passing, going through some tragedy in their lives, becoming overweight as a result of a major life change, or emotional eating.

Yet for some reason – nobody even brought up the thought that treating these people’s obvious issues with depression would be a far better approach – instead of making them run through tires on national television.

Yes – of course they need to learn how to eat healthier and exercise – but when you’re depressed, or feeling bad about yourself – are you really going to be able to find the motivation to get off your fat ass and do something about it? Of course not!

Losing weight is about loving yourself – it’s about saying to yourself “I deserve to be pretty and healthy”.

Gaining weight is about self-hate. I never stuck to anything because in my heart of hearts I felt like I didn’t deserve to feel pretty. I didn’t deserve to be healthy. I was engaging in self-destructive behavior. Period. This is what substance abuse is. Self-medication. It’s the same for smokers, for alcoholics, and yes – for people with weight issues.

Why is it that when a heroin addict goes into rehab he or she spends most of their time dealing with childhood trauma or abusive spouses or depression or whatever, but when an overweight person goes on a diet not one moment is spent in figuring out why they overeat in the first place?

I saw a few months back a story about some guy who was on “The Biggest Loser” and lost something like 200 pounds, and then a year later, away from the cameras, he gained it all back.

Of course he did! Because losing weight did not solve any of his REAL problems.

It pisses me off that a supposed licensed psychiatrist would be so irresponsible as to perpetuate the myth of magic diets.

There is no such thing as a “diet” that works. What works for people with lifelong struggles with weight is to figure out the true cause for their self-medication.

“Dr” Phil needs to stop peddling some bullshit goods that will supposedly make these people magically thin and happy.

They may end up thin – but trust me – the second those cameras go away, those people ain’t gonna be happy.

Zoloft is not a magic diet pill. The reason I’ve lost weight while taking it is because I have real medication for my emotional problems, and no longer feel the need to self-medicate with food.

I still have a long way to go – and many pounds to lose. But I will not be buying any gimmicky books to do so. I’m just going to work on getting healthy and moving my body more, and I know that if I continue to look after my mental health, my physical health will easily follow.

It’s not that I’m against legitimate programs like weight watchers that help a person deal with the day-to-day practicality of eating right. They do good things, and emphasize long-term change.

But I went on weight watchers – and I lost 30 pounds on it – and then I gained it all back – BECAUSE I WAS DEPRESSED.

“Dr” Phil needs to take a good hard look at his own (overweight!) self and start educating his audience about the real causes of weight gain. It’s not the fast food joints. It’s not the dramatic pounds of lard that he dumps on his stage to illustrate what his guests consume every month.

No – it’s people with emotional issues that are self medicating in order to deal with them.

Deal with the cause – and the symptom will eventually take care of itself (with a little bit of hard work of course – but I know that it will).

I’ll end with an anecdote: last night I went out to a show with friends. When it was over, we went to a restaurant. I was starving because I hadn’t really eaten all day. I ordered food (some healthy, some a bit less – but nothing too damaging), and I ate until I was full. And then – I didn’t order dessert. I didn’t even consider it. It wasn’t on my radar. I was full, I didn’t need to eat chocolate cake because “I was out with friends” or because “I deserved it.”

I just didn’t need it because I wasn’t hungry anymore. It’s as simple as that. And I was clear headed enough to see this. There was no internal yes or no battle here. I wasn’t hungry so I didn’t eat it.

These last few weeks have been the first time in 13 years that I have gone out to eat on several occasions and not even broached the subject of dessert.

And no BS book was involved. All that was involved was clarity.



I’m stupid. Seriously.

5 Jan

Ok – as some of you may know, I am a chronic googler. I get a weird tingling in my left pinky I google “left pinky tingle”. I get a slight ringing in my ears, I google it.

During my two M/C’s, I was a googling freak. Seriously. And when we were trying to get me preggers as well. I can tell you everything you want to know about ovulation predictor kits, pregnancy tests, temperatures, cervical mucus (my apologies to the men reading this). I am a walking miscarriage/conception wikipedia.

So, as part of my whole “let’s take care of my body better” pledge I went to a GP and she ordered a round of blood tests. When she took my BP she thought it was high, so she also ordered me to get a machine hooked up to my arm and get my bp monitored for 24 hours.

So first – the blood tests: I have high cholesterol, low vitamin D and low sodium, and slightly elevated lymphocytes.

Google machine – commence the paranoid madness!!!

So – I may have kidney or liver disease, I may have cancer (of course!), lupus, or it could be nothing.

To lessen the freak out I call my doctor, since my appointment with her isn’t for another week. She calls me back and basically says: “Listen, if I saw anything terrible in your blood tests I would have called you already. Don’t worry, everything’s fine. I’ll see you on the tenth.”

I say “thanks!” and hang up.

Then my internal monologue begins:

Me: she’s a doctor! listen to her!

Me: What does she know? Hasn’t she ever seen “House?” it could be Lupus!

Me: Oh shut up.

Then my BP results come back. The woman who gives hubby the printout is just a tech. I’m not there because I’m sleeping. She hands it to him and says – well, it’s high.

I get the printout from shmerson in the evening. Yep. According to the google machine it’s high.

And another google-athon begins:

Hypertention! Heart disease! Cancer!

and did I mention:

IT COULD BE LUPUS! Seriously people – watch an episode of house sometime.

Or maybe it’s that I have anxiety and that sometimes causes a high BP? or that merely the act of measuring my BP caused me anxiety which influenced my BP?

Nah – that couldn’t be it. That would be a reasonable explanation.

So one xanax and 30 minutes more of obsessive googling later, I’ve decided to be more productive and post to the blog.

The truth is – my high cholesterol is hereditary and linked to PCOS.

The truth is – I smoke and don’t exercise enough.

The truth is – that is most likely what my doctor will tell me on the 10th.

The truth is – I need a serious lifestyle change.

And all i can think about is that I like steak and chocolate cake (that rhymes! I will not eat them in a box….), and that I might have to give them up.

Or become a crazy eater like my mom (I’ll leave my mommy issues for a different post).

Urgh. Must… Stop… Googling!!!!

Me: just suck it up, plan out your meals better, get some exercise, and when the shrink OK’s it – quit smoking.

Me: Wait… Are you sure? Let me google that…

Food for Thought

3 Jan

ok – I’m making up a new tag – “daily revelation”.

It seems to be happening all the time, so I’m just gonna go with it. Though I’m sure some of you readers out there are getting quite sick of them. I promise I’ll post something funny soon, ok?

So I’ve always felt fat. I remember feeling fat at age 11.

I wasn’t fat. Not even close. What happened was that I developed boobs like MEGA-early and a really mean girl at school starting calling me “porky” and that just became my internal monologue.

I only actually BECAME fat at the age of 17.

So my daily revelation: Food was a way of self medicating my depression and anxiety.

Yeah, I know- DUH!!! – right?

but I seriously had a lightbulb moment about this.

Here’s the thing. The last few years I’ve had an obsession with food. Cooking it, eating, watching shows about it. It was so huge that I actually considered at one point saying “fuck it all” and studying to be a chef.

And I admit – I am a righteous cook. I really am.

But a funny thing has been happening since my head cleared. I’m no longer obsessed with food.

It could be a side effect of the zoloft – or it could really be the fact that I no longer need to medicate myself with it.

Since I started zoloft I have lost around 5-6 pounds. I eat less. I hardly ever think about food. I even need to remind myself to eat sometimes.

In my previous post I talked about my first true encounter with depression and anxiety at age 17.

Surprise surprise, it is also around the time I first became fat. I ballooned up to 180 pounds by the time I was 18.

I’ve been a yo-yo ever since. I diet, I lose the weight, I gain it back again. Over and over.

I’m now around 145 pounds. After the second miscarriage I ballooned up to around 150-155 (I never looked at the scales). At my wedding I weighed 140-ish. At my thinnest I am usually around 120.

I love the way I look at 120. I feel sexy. everything just kind of “sits” right.

And each time I manage to diet and reach that weight (it’s happened 3 times since the age of 17), I up and gain it all over again each time quicker than before.

A while ago (pre-breakdown, post-miscarriage) Schmerson and I were talking about how I would like to lose weight, quit smoking, and just generally “feel better”.

After a long conversation the conclusion was basically “all of these things have the same cause. Treat the cause, and the symptoms will more or less take care of themselves.”

Yep. Apparently we were right. Since the cyclical never-ending fog of constant anxiety has lifted, I’ve lost 5 pounds, and I wasn’t even trying. I eat much less. I get offered chocolate and turn it down because I’m full. Unheard of.

There was half a loaf of home-baked brioche that was literally thrown in the garbage because I didn’t feel like eating it. That’s a miracle in my world.

I passed by two places that sell doughnuts today and I didn’t stop in to buy one. I almost did out of habit. But then I didn’t. Inconceivable!

I feel like I finally grasp the concept of self-medicating. Weird.

But you know what’s even weirder? Food has become a huge part of my identity over the last few years. Even my mom, when she’s got a bunch of random ingredients in the fridge, calls me up so I can tell her what to cook with them.

And for the last few weeks that part of my identity has kind of disappeared. I don’t know if I like that.  It’s incredibly strange.

But I do like the very welcome side effect of the disappearing poundage.

We shall see.

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