Hi Everyone. I’m still kind of in shock, but thank you everybody for your tweets, emails, comments, everything. I am incredibly grateful for all the love and support.
I think I’m still a bit in shock – but I also know I have some ‘splainin to do, so I may as well just spill it. The last day has been very WTF, and I’ve been writing this blog post in my head as I went along. I seriously don’t know where I would be if it weren’t for this blog and the women in it.
So now, without further ado, a recounting of the strangest 24 hours of my life. Yep, strange is the best word I can come up with. Though crazy works too.
Prelude:
April 5th, CD 28 – The red lady shows up, or so I think. She’s shorter than usual, but I don’t give that much thought. She also causes a heckuva lot of pain on my right side.
After that, Shmerson and I continue our TTC routine, feeling rather optimistic.
(Fake) CD 13 – I take an OPK. It comes out positive. I am feeling great. What a lie. Finally, ovulation smack dab in the middle of a cycle. Shmerson and I BD like there’s no tomorrow. I actually call people excited about the news.
(Fake) CD 14 – Another OPK. Another positive. Strange. Never happened to me before.
(Fake) CD 15 – Another OPK. Another positive. WTF?
Which brings us to yesterday at around 3pm.
3pm: excessive googling – “3 positive OPKs in a row”
3:15pm: decide my body is just taking it’s sweet time, and that’s why I haven’t seen any EWCM. Go to the bathroom to check out where that’s at. Find blood.
4:30 pm: I don’t know if I can recount the logic behind it now – but on a whim, I take an HPT. It’s a BFP. I immediately start crying. I know it’s over before it’s even started.
4:35pm: Shmerson has seen the BFP. I’m crying. We’re both at a loss about what to do. I call squish. She says get your ass to the emergency room or an emergency clinic (It’s passover – so all actual doctors offices are closed). I email Elphie. I try calling Court. too early in the states and canada.
4:45pm: As shmerson is googling emergency clinics, I try calling Dr. Twofer’s Cellphone. No answer. I leave a teary “I have no idea WTF is going on” voicemail.
5:20pm: Shmerson and I arrive at an emergency clinic.
6pm: Doctor sees me. Sends me to the emergency room.
6:30pm: I try calling Court again. This time she answers and manages to keep me calm as we wait. In the car on the way to the ER I mention to Shmerson that hey – I guess I was right after all. Court and Marie both mention that to me as well in later conversations. Great minds think alike.
7:00pm: Go in to see the on-call OB/GYN. She gives me a beta kit and tells me to pee in a cup. Faint BFP. US is given. She tells me she sees nothing. In the discharge papers I see something about a problem with the corpus luteum in my right ovary. I still have no idea what that means, but I’m sure I’ll be googling it like a maniac soon enough.
7:45pm: Dr. decides that because of my history, this is suspected ectopic. She decides to admit me.
8:00pm I get my blood drawn. Shmerson and I try to figure out what to do with the dogs, since we’re also watching my parents’ dog since they’re in china for a month. Great timing, mom.
8:15 pm We call everyone that needs to be called, and off he goes to take care of stuff. I stare blankly at nothing for a while.
9:00pm: Shmerson returns from dropping the dogs at a friend’s house, and comes bearing clothes, my laptop, and a cell charger. I get admitted to a room. I find out that the lab is closed and I will not be getting any beta results until the morning. This is going to be a long effing night. Nurse tells me I need to not eat or drink any more just in case I need a D&C in the morning. I haven’t eaten since 4pm. And I’m freaking thirsty.
9:15pm: Visiting hours are over, but the room, with two other beds is empty. I beg shmerson not to leave me alone. I hate hospitals. Did I mention this was gonna be a long effing night? No wireless internet on the ward. Thank god I got an iPhone (finally) a few days ago. I email Dr. Twofer. He actually works at this hospital. Maybe by some miracle he’ll be there in the morning.
10:00pm: I go back to the google machine. Shmerson and I start analyzing dates. Either I’m 6 weeks along, or by some miracle I ovulated on CD4 and this is a perfectly healthy, very early pregnancy. We hope for the latter, of course.
1:00am: I get a new roommate, which makes the nurse kick shmerson out. He finds a cot in the waiting room area and tries to crash there for a bit. I talk to the roommate. She’s nice. Three kids, all through C-section. Wants a fourth. Diagnosed with Secondary IF and in with a major pelvic infection. I put on my “I’m an expert” face and actually manage to cheer HER up for a while. She doesn’t know any IFers. I feel useful.
2:00am: still can’t sleep. Hop on skype with marie. She keeps me company for the next two hours.
4:00am: finally collapse.
7:00am: Shmerson is back in my room.
8:00am: Blood Drawn for second Beta. Both Betas get sent to the lab.
9:30am: Get sent for second U/S. Nothing found. Doctor says there may be something there that looks like early implantation in the uterus, but he’s doubtful (in hindsight, I think it may have just been scarring from my first D&C last year). Wait for the betas and see what’s next.
10:30am: Dr. Twofer walks into my room. Yep – he is on call. He tells me he’ll be checking up on me. Thank god for Dr. Twofer. I finally feel relaxed enough to sleep a while. Hopefully by the time I wake up the betas will be back. Half asleep, I tell Shmerson that I’ve decided that I ovulated on CD 4 and this is an early pregnancy. I know I’m kidding myself. I don’t care.
12:00pm: No Betas yet. I’m getting pissed off and antsy. I’m thirsty and hungry too.
12:20pm: I go up to the nurse to see WTF is going on. She tells me there was no change in my betas and the Doc will be in soon. I ask her to update Dr. Twofer and go back to my room to tell Shmerson it’s over.
12:30pm: Doc finally shows up. Beta last night was 438. This morning it’s 436. They want to give me Methotrexate. I resist at first. Doc says he spoke with Dr. Twofer about it and they both agree it’s the best course of action to hopefully avoid rupture and surgery. I give in. Doc tells me they’ll be giving me the shot in a bit.
12:35pm: I collapse. I start crying and screaming. This lasts for about 10 minutes. The nurse walks in to ask what’s wrong. Shmerson tells her “this is the third time this has happened to us”. I continue to scream and cry. Shmerson cries a little too. He digs up a xanax from my bag and I take it.
12:45pm Dr. Twofer comes in again. Other Doc probably told him I was not happy about the Methotrexate. He tells me it’s the best option. That once my betas go back to zero I should call him and we’ll get a full scan of my tubes to see what’s up. He goes to shake my hand. I can’t because it’s covered in snot and tears. Why don’t they keep tissues in this freaking room?
12:50pm: I yell at the nurse to give me the freaking shot and get it over with so I can go home. She looks at me sympathetically. I tell her I feel like my body’s betrayed me. She gives me the usual “everything happens for a reason” mumbo-jumbo. She gives me the shot so we can – and I quote her – “kill it”. I cry a little more. Shmerson makes the calls to update everyone that needs to be updated.
1:30pm: I freaking want to go home. I feel ok so the nurse allows it. Tells me to keep an eye out for this and that side effect. Outpouring of support from you guys becomes a flood. I’m freaking tired.
3:30pm: I change the title of this blog again. My friend AK was right the other day. Project Baby is too cold. This sucks too much. Who knows what the right name is. For now, it’s bitter and I don’t care.
4:00pm: The dogs are back, we have some lunch, I collapse on the couch and fall asleep, though my phone continues to ring and my computer pings every 30 seconds with another thoughtful email or comment. I can’t thank you guys enough.
Epilogue:
Either I’m in denial or this is easier than it has been before. I don’t know. I think it is a bit easier. Mostly because of you guys. Also because it all happened so fast, I never actually got attached to the notion that I was pregnant. I think that’s a blessing.
Conclusions:
1) I should ALWAYS listen to my body. I’ve been having pain on and off in my right side for months. I should have insisted on some sort of scan. I’m sure that’s the obstruction that caused the ectopic.
2) I’m grateful to have the third time over and done with. This is hopefully a clean slate. Though I’m sure I’ll have moments of being completely pissed off and despondent over the next few days or weeks. Or whatever. I’m glad the third happened this way, and wasn’t dragged out.
3) I have the most amazing husband in the world.
4) My support system is huge. My friends “in real life” and my friends here. Total strangers who left a comment to show support. I am so lucky to have found this place.
5) I can’t believe I’m here. Lori over at RRSAHM, who recently went through unspeakable tragedy, wrote a few days ago how anxiety – the fear of an event – is oftentimes worse than the event itself. I think she’s right. I’m a three timer now. I need to update my story. My TTC timeline. Next ICLW, I will be writing “ectopic pregnancy” as one of the words describing this blog. It will become one of my “frequently used tags”. I use it for the first time in this post. This is my new reality. It sucks. But it’s not as bad as the anxiety I had predicted.
That’s about it guys. I’m gonna go order some dinner and cuddle with my husband and the dogs. I’m sorry if I don’t respond to the comments. I may be MIA for a few days, I may not. Who knows.
But I do know that you are all awesome. That every word you write here makes me feel just a little bit better.
Thank you all. i don’t know where I’d be without you.
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Tags: community, ectopic pregnancy, gratitude, Miscarriage, postaday2011, Wedded bliss