Tag Archives: Uncategorized

Honey – is it normal to just – listen to the radio?

28 Dec

Hi there Zoloft!

Thanks for kicking in. Took you a while.

The hubby and I were driving to tel aviv today. At one point I asked him – well, you can tell from the title of this post what I asked him.

Hubby: What?

Me: You know – like, sometimes, is it normal to just sit and listen to what people on the radio are saying and not think of other things at the same time as you’re listening to them?

Hubby: Um, yeah….

Hi me! Welcome to normal.

I described it to a friend of mine today. It’s as if for 13 years (!) someone has been telling me that the sky is green, and one day I just stick my head out the window and open my eyes and the sky is… blue.

Mind you, being the control freak that I am – I didn’t completely embrace it. In fact, it freaked me out. Think about it like this – if for thirteen years you had a buzzing in your ear, it would become something that you’re used to. And perhaps – when that buzzing disappeared, you’d think something went wrong with your hearing.

IT IS SO FREAKIN’ WEIRD!!

I had a few moments where the anxiety was in the back of my mind (at this point purely the psychological type) and was telling me – panic attack! you should be having a panic attack!

And I admit it came close to it – but in the end, I was fine. I am fine so far.

I actually had fun today. For the first time since my honeymoon six months ago – I had fun.

I guess I just need to get used to this new normal.

Weird!

I am so incredibly sick of feeling this way

26 Dec

Today was a two xanax day. The first because I was nervous to find out the blood test results, and the second was because I met a up with a friend and any and all talk about the future became completely overwhelming (I have more to post about this meet-up, but will do it another time).

I called my mom and told her that my B12 levels were within the norm. Then I started crying.

Yep – this means that I need to find medication that works for me. This means that there isn’t a magical answer and cure for what ails me.

I also called my aunt and cried to her for a while.

They both said basically the same thing;

Just snap out of it. Everything is fine. You’re driving yourself up the wall. Get over it – start taking care of yourself and you’ll be ok. You’re exaggerating. Calm down.

Well – thank you so much for that! I just need to snap out of it! Of course! How did I not think of that sooner? I mean *snap!* here we go! I’m all better! Thanks for the great advice mom and aunt!

I know they meant well. I don’t blame them. I just… well, I just can’t seem to do it.

I so want to not feel this way anymore. I so want to have energy, and to function and to feel ambition and hope constantly – not just in sporadic waves.

But I don’t. I’m not. And it sucks. And I want it to stop sucking.

Please oh please can things stop sucking now?

No Easy Answers

26 Dec

B12 is normal.

Life is complicated.

Darn it.

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