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Tag Archives: two week wait

Get My A$$ to Vegas

8 Sep

5DPO. That’s right folks – I ovumalated!

10 days late, and on the tubeless side. So I’m really not getting my hopes up.

I’m generally doing ok. I’m just soooo sick and tired of this dance. I’m over it. For reals.

The only thing that is keeping me halfway sane is the fact that in exactly one month I will be at a $5 blackjack table in Vegas.

And if I’m not knocked up, I actually get to drink there.

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15th Verse, Pretty Much Same as the First

24 Jul

Me: AAAAHHHHHHH!

Me: Crapnuggets. What now?

Me: I have to pee on all the things!

Me: Um, we’re 4 DPO. And we popped from the left. Remember? No left tube? Chances slim? Ring a bell?

Me: We’ve always fallen on the low end of the stats. We totally will now. The baby psychic said so!

Me: Oh we’re back on that now.

Me: Yes! Must. Pee. On. Things!

Me: Is this how you’re going to be all week?

Me: Yeeeeeeeeeesssssssssss!!!!!

Me: Oh dear.

Me: Can we pee on stuff tomorrow morning?

Me: Let’s wait until 10 DPO. Ok?

Me: 6 DPO

Me: 9 DPO

Me: 7 DPO

Me: 8 DPO – and I’m not going any lower.

Me: Saturday! Saturday! Saturday!

Me: Are you a monster truck announcer now?

Me: Nope. But I wanted to sing some Rebecca Black, so count yourself lucky.

Me: Shoot me now.

Me: After we pee on stuff on Friday, Friday, gotta get down on –

Me: We agreed on SATURDAY.

Me: But Friday is so much catchier.

Me: Oy, no wonder my brain is mush.

Me: Sitting on the toilet seat, lookin at my pee sticks, gotta make my mind up, which stick should I taaaaake….

Me: Saturday.

Me: And Sunday comes after… waaaaards!

Me: I’m going away now.

Me: Suit yourself. It’s Friday Friday, gotta pee on stuff on Friday…

Me: Saturday.

Me: Mo’s looking forward to the weekend, weekend…

Me: *walks away slowly*

Notes To Self

3 Jun
  • Shaking an HPT like an etch-a-sketch will NOT magically make a second line appear. 
  • You don’t know when you ovulated so all is not necessarily lost. 
  • You really need to get on that post about the vacation, it’s far more amusing than your pee-stick obsession. 
  • Stop being depressed! It’s still early! Seriously! Stop that now!
  • If this cycle is a bust, make sure you monitor your ovulation properly next month so you don’t drive yourself crazy again. 
  • Have you noticed that you channel your anxiety into pee sticks? You should discuss that with your therapist tomorrow. For reals. 
  • You’re obsessing about pee sticks just by writing this post.
  • Shaking an HPT like an etch-a-sketch will not… STOP SHAKING THAT THING ALREADY!

An Addendum to My Previous Post

31 May

 

That is all.

To Pee or Not to Pee

31 May

Me: YAAAAAAAY!!!!!

Me: What are you so excited about?

Me: We’re back from vacation!

Me: How is that a GOOD thing?

Me: We get to pee on stuff!

Me: Um, not quite yet.

Me: Yes! We must pee on All the Things NOW!

Me: Nope.

Me: Why not?

Me: Because we’re not sure when we ovulated. At best, it was last Thursday. At worst, it was a couple of days ago. No pee stick will give us a BFP right now.

Me: Sure it can!

Me: Explain.

Me: Because I had the “I’m preggo” feeling.

Me: Yes, but even if we are preggo, it will still take a couple of days before anything shows up. A couple of days at best. More like 5 or 6.

Me: Nope! I’ve decided we fertilized last Thursday, and there’s been a cluster of cells digging into our ute ever since.

Me: That’s impossible.

Me: I will it to be so!

Me: That won’t make any difference.

Me: I have magic pee that makes two lines appear!

Me: Nope.

Me: We MUST pee! Now!

Me: We have one solitary Rolls Royce. I will not allow you to squander it on your silliness.

Me: Please?

Me: Nope.

Me: Pretty please?

Me: Try a popsicle stick.

Me: Pretty please with a cherry on top?

Me: I don’t like cherries.

Me: You suck.

Me: You can pee on some cherries.

Me: Gross.

(I promise I will post a vacation recap tomorrow. For now, I am in tired crazy town. Welcome!)

Debunking Two Week Wait Symptoms

23 May

EDIT:

Howdy new visitor! This post seems to be very popular on the google machines. If you found your way here because you’re suffering through the two week wait- hi! I feel your pain.

Before you read on please note that I am not a doctor. The post below was written with a tone of snark. Feel free to read it, though it’s just my opinion and nothing more. You’re even more welcome to click around the blog. I’m sure you’ll find my other posts way more enlightening than this, and some even kind of funny (and others debilitatingly sad, but such is life). Happy reading!

I think one thing that you get from being pregnant as often as I have is that you realize that what “they” say is true. Each pregnancy is different.

As much as we all like to obsessively seek out symptoms during the dreaded window between ovulation and AF, the fact is that most of it is useless self-torture.

Yep – I said it. TWW symptoms are total BS.

Oh yes Dramatic Chipmunk. I totally went there.

For the sake of argument, let’s break down the process, shall we?

A spike of a hormone called LH triggers ovulation. At that point the progesterone levels rise.

If after two weeks there is no pregnancy, the corpus luteum (basically the remains of your follicle on your ovary)  collapses, causing a sharp drop in progesterone and estrogen and triggering AF.

If a fertilized egg starts nestling in your ute, then it produces a hormone called HCG (AKA the dreaded/eagerly awaited Beta), which causes the corpus luteum to continue to produce the necessary hormones to sustain a pregnancy until the placenta is fully formed.

So science sez that up until HCG is introduced into the body, the hormone levels in the body are identical, whether egg met sperm or not. More importantly – all that HCG does in early pregnancy is just to tell the corpus luteum to keep producing progesterone. Which it was doing pre-implantation anyway.

So that’s the science of it.

The plain old logic of it is that progesterone spikes whether you’re knocked up or not. And progesterone is what is the known cause of early pregnancy symptoms.

So that nausea you’re feeling? Yep – could just be progesterone. Or something you had for dinner.

Swollen bre.asts? Progesterone.

Food cravings? Think back – how many times just before AF showed did you just NEED to have that bacon cheeseburger?

Mmmmmm…. Bacon cheeseburger…. *Drool*

So really? The first sign of pregnancy that is for sure a sign of pregnancy is a missed period. Period.

If two week wait symptoms were truly a “thing,” then they would be consistent with each pregnancy and with each woman, wouldn’t they?

There ya go.

But that doesn’t mean you should stop obsessing. After all how else will you keep your brain occupied once you ovulate?

I also pretty much know that despite going to all of this trouble to debunk this, I probably will too.

*sigh*

I Didn’t Pee!

10 Oct

Yep – I didn’t do it. Not even on a popsicle stick, as was suggested in the comments a couple of posts back. 🙂

7 DPO and I didn’t pee. Yay!!

Now, the question is – will I pee tomorrow?

Here’s the thing: I’ve been nauseous all day, and experiencing some major stabby pains up in my lady parts. I’m seriously hoping it’s a little one burrowing in where it’s supposed to. I’ve been feeling like crap all day, and I seriously think that apart from “the feeling” it’s the beginning of a pregnancy. So yeah – I’m tempted as hell to pee like there’s no tomorrow. But I don’t have any Rolls Royces  FRERs, and I know that I have some on the way courtesy of the lovely and amazing JM.

So yeah, I think I may hold off until they get here.

Let’s just hope they get here soon! No point in peeing on a VW bug when you can pee on a Rolls Royce, right?

But I’ll make one thing clear: If I see an implantation dip on my BBT chart tomorrow I’m totally going for it!

We shall see.

Bullets and Bunnies: The Rolls Royce of Pee-Sticks, and Our New Apartment

14 Sep

I figured this was a better title than “thought vomit”, since I end up using bullet points and posting cute bunnies anyway. May as well be clear about it, in the alliterative sense… 🙂

  • We got the results from our Karyotyping tests today. I’m relieved and happy to tell you all that both Shmerson and I are A-OK. All chromosomes are where they should be. One more thing to cross of the list of worries.
  • I’m exhausted! We finalized the deal on our old apartment last Thursday, and ever since we’ve been running around applying for mortgages, ordering renovations, picking out wood panel floors, and comparison shopping furniture. The decorating part is awesome, but everything else is a headache and a half. I haven’t had a chance to breathe, and barely a chance to sleep. I can’t wait until mid-october when we finally get to enjoy the fruits of all of this (and our new compounded interest debt. Though we won’t actually enjoy that, but I guess it comes with the territory. Ahh well). Also – I’m sorry I haven’t been able to reply to comments or catch up on your blogs! I promise I’ll be back in the land of the living soon. Or at least in time for Group Therapy Thursday so keep those questions coming! 🙂
  • My FRER’s came in the mail (finally!) last night. That’s First Response Early Result for you non-pee-stick-freak people. I swear, these things are the Rolls Royce of Pee Sticks. Of course I used one this morning (9DPO) and it was a BFN. The thing is, these pee sticks are so awesome I didn’t even care. Seriously. I have never seen a cleaner single line in my life. Today while furniture shopping, I spent a good 15 minutes praising their virtue to my (very confused) mom. She only looked at me funny, like, twice. Maybe three times. I don’t care. I love these things! No wonder they’re so expensive! I just wish they sold them here. In my stupidity, I only bought a two-pack, and I don’t want to waste the second one. It’s so pretty, I can’t bring myself to pee on it. That’s weird. I know. But here’s the bright side: I’m holding off on peeing until 12 DPO because of it. If AF doesn’t show up, then I’ll use it. If the bitch rears her ugly head, then I have another pretty little FRER for next month. I know all of this is weird. I don’t care. Spend enough time peeing on sticks and you’ll become a connoisseur, as  apparently I’ve now become. Next I’ll be examining them for fruity undertones and viscosity or something. I don’t care. These pee sticks are so awesome, they made the BFN less painful. Or maybe it’s just because I know it’s early, and I’m generally doing better with things. But still. FRERs. They are sooooo worth the money.
  • At the home improvement store today, I found glittery purple paint for kid’s rooms. I squeed like a 5 year old. I seriously want a girl (if a pregnancy ever manages to stick) just so I can cover her room with sparkly purple paint, faeries, and butterflies. Gender stereotypes be damned! I’d do my own bedroom that way- you know-if I wasn’t almost thirty one and married to a guy. Darn age and stuff. I wants me some sparkly purple!
  • Overall, I’m doing good but I’m fried. All of this budgeting and logistics is not my thing. I’m so glad I chose a career in the arts. I seriously don’t know how all those lawyers, bankers, accountants, etc. do it.
  • That’s all for today! But of course, I won’t let you guys go without a bunny. I keep my promises goshdarnit! So here ya go:

Wherein I Do My Impression of David Caruso’s Career

11 Sep

If you don’t get the reference in the title, please click here. (Really? Pilot episode of South Park? And you haven’t seen it? For shame.)

Or in other words:

IT’S MY TURN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(I’ll skip the taking a nosedive part for now. Hopefully that won’t happen. We’ll know more at around 9DPO.)

Ok. So I’m 7 DPO and I haven’t peed yet. As you probably know, this is a huge accomplishment. And I’m waiting until 9DPO. Honestly, I would tomorrow but my FRER’s, which I’ve been so curious to try, will only be arriving tomorrow evening so circumstance forces me to wait. Which is a good thing, I think. Probably.

I’ve been pretty good this TWW. I don’t think I had “the feeling” this time (but considering past experience, that’s probably a good thing), but my score on the scavenger hunt is pretty high. My boobs are sore, I’m feeling nauseous, and I almost puked today when my students had lunch because of the smell.

But it could be that I’m just feeling under the weather. We’ll see what happens in a couple of days. Not going too crazy in the meantime. Kind of.

Ok, I kind of am, but I don’t have much time to go crazy. Things have been nuts! I’m back to teaching, and we finally closed the sale of our current place on Thursday. Now we’re running around applying for mortgages, and I’m jumping head-first into renovations of the new place.

Heady-explode-y.

Heady explode-y helps with the TWW crazies for sure. But still:

Sorry that was gross. But I kind of feel like that guy right now. Ahh well.

But I’m rambling and getting off topic. (Surprising, I know.) Focus… Focus…

David Caruso.

No no. Quoting an episode of South Park making fun of David Caruso. Right. That’s where I was. I was at “It’s my turn!”

Saturday was my nephew’s 7th birthday party. I’d been dreading it. Every year, we go to this party, and see the same people. Last year, we were post-miscarriage #1, and just about to enter miscarriage #2 (though I didn’t know it at the time). Every child there made my uterus hurt.  Made me want to cry.

This time, it was even harder. My brother is divorced, so I only really see my ex-SIL and her family at these birthday parties. My ex-SIL’s sister gave birth three months ago. She was married two months after Shmerson and I. She gave my nephew his first cousin. That stung. It stung even more to see her there with the baby.

But that wasn’t really the worst of it. I mostly stayed out of the fray, sitting on the side playing “Fruit Ninja” on my iPhone and detaching myself from the situation, because it was the best way I could come up with to deal. Still, my ex-SIL, her parents, and her sister were obviously aware of our current situation. They gave me the sideways, pity-look “how are you?” When they saw me. I shrugged it off. I joked.

Then her mother and my mom had this sort of grandmompetition, where my mom was congratulating her on becoming a grandma for the second time, and she was giving my mom all of these “oh! this and this couple just went through IVF!” BS lines. I knew my mom wasn’t enjoying the party. Because she knew I wasn’t enjoying the party and had no interest in IVF stories, thankyouverymuch.

But the worst of it came at the end. My ex-SIL’s sister came over to say goodbye. I once again congratulated her (hopefully genuinely) on her little boy. Then, she tilted her head once again, and said the two words I hate most in the Hebrew Language: Bekarov Etzlech.

This isn’t an easy phrase to translate. Kind of like “havaya metakenet“, this pair of words has a whole undertone of meaning. Literally, it means “you’re next.”

Culturally, it’s a world’s worth of pressure on your back.

For example: Your older brother is getting married. People come up to him and say “Mazel Tov”. They come up to you and say “Bekarov Etzlech”. And at the age of 24, and very much single, you feel depressed and have a few too many vodka-spiked lemonades as a result. (This didn’t really happen. Ok. It really did. I got smashed at my brother’s wedding. Sue me).

This pair of words is even worse for an IFer or an RPLer. Literally you can say they mean “this will be you soon.” Bekarov meaning “soon” and etzlech meaning “with you”. It’s the “soon” part that’s the problem with me.

So I go say goodbye to my former SIL and her new baby, I tell her mazal tov, and she answers “Bekarov Etzlech.” I immediately give her the “Infertile stare of death” and she realizes just how wrong it was for her to say those two words to me. She didn’t mean it in a bad way, nobody does. I’ve found myself saying it to people sometimes too. It’s a saying with good intentions. But man, does it hurt in this context. I just wanted to tell her:

“Soon? Really? Because we’ve been at this for 15 months now, and three miscarriages in, I’m not so sure about the soon part. So please go take your baby and be all happy and leave me alone. I want to play Fruit Ninja and detach emotionally from the situation. Kthnxbye.”

It’s my turn. In two weeks I’ll be turning 31. On my 30th birthday I was pregnant with what would turn out to be my first ectopic. I want to be pregnant on my 31st birthday. And I want it to stick. So that in about 9 months, I can blissfully look at the people coming to congratulate us on our new baby and tell them, with a smug look on my face: “Bekarov Etzlech”. It’s. My. Turn.

Or maybe it isn’t. Maybe I won’t be knocked up this month. Or worse, maybe I will be knocked up but it will be another ectopic. Wouldn’t that be fun?

Urgh. Two more sleeps and I get to pee on some sticks and see where this 31st birthday will take me.

PS – Group Therapy Thursday was a raging success in my opinion! Can’t wait for the next one! Send those questions in!

I Dream of Pee Sticks

7 Jul

I think the only part I really like about the TWW is the pee sticks. I know they’re a money pit, but I find them strangely addictive. Especially when I get a second line. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I love it when my pee is magic! I mean, I’m only 9 DPO, and the chances of me getting that elusive second line even if Little Lefty made it are slim to none. Still I pee. I pee because I love.

Since 6DPO, when I first broke down and pulled out the HPT’s, I’ve been having some strange sleeping patterns, and some even stranger dreams. I’m attributing them to those lovely Progesterone Suppositories. Here’s what my mornings look like:

8am – wake up – look at the clock, see it’s way too early since I’d been up writing until 3am. I need to pee, but I hold off, knowing that I want as full a bladder as possible for the HPT. I grab a progesterone pill, stick it up my hoo-ha, and go back to sleep.

Then I dream about pee sticks. Seriously. This has happened every morning since I started testing.

Dream day one: For some reason, all I remember is that the HPT looked like a panty liner, and that the second elusive line appeared, and then disappeared.

Dream day two: Same as day one, weirdly enough.

Dream day three: HPT still looks like a panty liner. This time the second line sticks. Needless to say that when I woke up, I was utterly disappointed when I finally emptied my bladder on a pee stick and got yet another BFN.

Dream day four: Well, this one was interesting. The HPT actually looked like an HPT. I pee on the stick, but it’s not working. Somebody tells me I need to run the stick under a stream of water to make the test work. I do, and I get a BFP. For some reason I’m skeptical, though I know the water can’t be pregnant.

Once again, I wake up from this dream, hopeful that I have me some mad psychic skillz. Alas, I am shot down with another BFN.

Look, I’m pretty sure this cycle is a bust. I go in tomorrow morning for a Beta at 10 DPO, and if it’s still negative I’ll probably go again on Sunday just to be sure before I stop the progesterone. But I didn’t get the “feeling” this month, so I’m pretty sure I’m getting the blood drawn for nothing. Still, I want to be sure before I give AF the green light to grace me with her presence. And also, each time I’ve had the “feeling” it’s ended in miscarriage – so maybe I don’t really want those mad psychic skillz after all. Watch this space, I’ll keep you posted about the results!

And yes, in the meantime I will continue with the pee sticks. What can I say? It’s a passion of mine, and I fully intend to continue to pursue it!

Oh – and before I go, a shameless plug: have you seen my ongoing series on the harry potter films over on keypulp? You haven’t? Well, you should go check the first one out! The second should be up a bit later today, and I’ll be publishing one a day until the 8th movie is released next week. They are proof positive that I can be snarky about things other than my tubes for a change! Yay snark and Harry Potter geekdom!

Of Course I Did

4 Jul

Yep. I’m 7 DPO and I’ve already used up 2 of my pee sticks. Both BFN’s, of course. I mean, seriously, what am I thinking? I think the thing is I’ve always had BFP’s at around 10-11 DPO, but the only times I’ve tracked have been ectopics. So maybe it’s just wishful thinking, that if I’m knocked up and it’s a proper pregnancy, I’ll know sooner. Ahh well. Three more pee-stick mornings followed by a Beta blood test on Thursday, and then we’ll know for sure.

We interrupt this blog post for a message from our sponsor:

Are you an infertile? Do you spend all of your two week waits desperately searching for pregnancy symptoms? Well, have no fear – we’ve got a solution – especially tailored for you! Progesterone suppositories – all of the pregnancy symptoms, without an actual pregnancy needed!

Do you miss those days, before you started miscarrying, when you were crampy, bloated, tired, and nauseous? We know you do! Try our product! It’s a mind fuck all wrapped up in a gel encapsulated dose of hormones! You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll sleep, you’ll want to puke your guts out! Progesterone suppositories! All the pregnancy you could possibly hope for, without the promise of an embryo digging into your uterus!

Warning: progesterone suppositories do not in any way guarantee a pregnancy, nor do they guarantee carrying a baby to term. Sanity not included. 

Ehem. Right. Where was I?

Thanks to everyone for the reassuring comments on my last post. Good to know I’m not alone in the cramping department. I just hope some of them are implantation cramps. I want a BFP so badly this month. Just so if I have another loss I can get it over with already. Does that make any sense?

I know I’m being paranoid. I guess it’s because my “answers” aren’t really clear cut. I mean, there’s no proof that the second pregnancy was ectopic, so of course I’m still paranoid that I have a yet-undiagnosed condition and we have a long road still ahead. I guess we’ll know soon enough…

Not much else to report really, except that tomorrow Shmerson will be coming home! Finally! I’ll be spending the day being the happy housewife, finishing up the cleaning, and planning something yummy for dinner. Fun and happy times all around, 50’s style!

Hope all of you US-Americans had a happy 4th!

Change of Perspective

2 Jul

I know I’ve been silent, there’s nothing really to say. I’m here, I’m waiting. I’m waiting for Shmerson to come home already (three days to go!) I’m waiting to POAS, I’m waiting to see what’s next.

I do have something nice to share with you guys today, but before I get to it, I have a TMI question for my sisters in progesterone suppository land: I’ve been having some major cramping. Is that normal? I’m starting to be paranoid that it’s another little guy digging into my tube (I mean, of course, because cramping always equals ectopics right?). So yeah – any info on this would be awesome.

Now back to our regularly scheduled blog post.

I haven’t really written about it much on here, but I’ve been feeling like I’m in a state of crisis when it comes to my career. For those of you not in the know, I work from home, partly for my dad’s business, and partly as a freelance writer and content producer. I’ve been trying to move the “dad’s business” half from “partly” to non-existent for the last few months, and though there has been some level of success, I’ve been feeling really stuck. I like to call it “throwing the clutch while going uphill” for those of you that are stick shift savvy.

I just haven’t been able to get going on anything, and I’ve found it really frustrating, not to mention a whole new reason to self flagellate. And you all know how much I like doing that. I should write it down as a hobby on my FB profile I do it so much.

Anywho, yesterday I went over to a friend’s house who I haven’t seen in a while (hi Rolig!). The nice part about this blog is that it cancels out the need to give long detailed updates about the state of my tubes to my friends, so he was pretty much up to date (though I admit, quite a bit of discussion was had around my plumbing anyway). We delved in deeper and I shared with him my frustration with my career trajectory or more like the lack thereof.

Then I told him how mad at myself I was for not appreciating and building on what I have. I mean – I’m really very lucky. I have a steady paycheck, a happy marriage, a nice new home…

He stopped me in my tracks. He told me that none of those things were due to luck. They were because of me. And in fact, I should be darn proud of myself. He said that plenty of other women in my situation wouldn’t be able to hold it together as well as I am. Their marriages wouldn’t survive, they would definitely not be able to support a household. The fact that I’m functioning at all is a victory, and I should cut myself some slack.

I don’t know what it was about how he phrased it, but something about it made me feel better. Instead of “lay off, lord knows you deserve it,” or “you’ve had a difficult year, it’s ok that you’re not doing as much.” I got: “good for you, you’re doing awesome considering the circumstances.”  It was about what I was doing, instead of what I wasn’t.

And the fact that it was the second time I’d been told that in 24 hours (the other time was at dinner the night before with Squish, yay Squish!), well, it made me feel a heck of a lot better.

In fact – so much better that I actually managed to get stuff done today. I cleaned the house. I did 4 loads of laundry. I washed the dishes and even scrubbed the stove and cleaned the bathroom. And I plan on getting stuff done tomorrow as well.

It’s amazing what a change of perspective from a good friend (or two) can do to a girl. So I’m waiting, but for a change, I’m also getting ‘er done. Now if I could just get around to building myself a website and finding some more clients, I’ll be good to go. But you know what? It’s ok if I don’t. For now.

The Seven Hormonal IFer Dwarves

30 Jun

Yes folks! I’m resorting to stupid fairy tale puns!

I have entered the wonderful world of progesterone suppositories. I will spare you the graphic details, but basically,  this means there will be no scavenger hunts this time around, because of course, the extra hormones are making every day feel like preggo day, even though I’m sure I haven’t implanted yet (that’s assuming fertilization even happened, and Ole’ Lefty did her job – two very unproven assumptions).

So, instead of playing my usual round of “am I or aren’t I?” I have officially become the 7 hormonal IFer Dwarves:

Itchy

Angry

Crampy

Bloaty

Sleepy

Leaky

And of course…

(Self-Proclaimed Google) Doc

So since I can’t dwell on the hunt it’s time to once again place your bets dear readers (because I still need to keep myself amused)!

I am now officially 4 DPO.

When will I break down and POAS? Will I be strong and wait till 10 or 11 or even – gasp! 12 DPO? Will I show my usual weak will and break down at seven?

Go on, have a guess, you know you want to! If for no other reason than to keep me entertained (and we all know how important that is)!

Very Superstitious….

25 Jun

Ok – so Operation Ole’ Lefty  has hit a bump in the road, because the last OPK in the house was faulty, and it’s Friday night, and no pharmacies will be open until tomorrow. I think I may have seen a trace of EWCM this morning but I have no idea if Little Lefty has popped or not, which is of course contributing to my crazy. Good stuff all around.

I met PM tonight – who is herself about to pop in a different way, she’s due next week! – and she was telling me about how she’s not bringing any baby stuff into the house until the little one comes out healthy. I totally get it, and it got me thinking about the weird little superstitions and crap I’ve been trying to hang my hat on for the last couple of weeks. It’s amazing what Infertility can do to an atheist, seriously.

So – since I’m on a bit of a roll with the list-making – here are the crazy things I’ve been latching onto in an attempt to convince myself that I will be knocked up this month and the little one will nestle itself in the correct spot. Yay lists!

  1. My mother is convinced that once we move into a decent apartment, I’ll finally have a healthy pregnancy. We’ve actually found a place and we’re hopefully closing the deal on Monday (more on that soon!). I’m trying to go along with that theory.
  2. There have been a lot of butterflies around me lately. I keep on noticing them. For some reason I’ve fixated on that.
  3. The baby psychic said we would find out about a girl in July. Yes, I’m resorting to baby psychics again. You’d think I’d learned my lesson by now.
  4. If I get preggo now, it means an april baby. 4 is my lucky number. (I know – I’m totally stretching here)
  5. it means I would hit the second trimester on my birthday. That would be an awesome birthday present.
Ok that’s basically it. I’m grasping at straws, I know. Desperate times… I’m still hoping I’ll be able to feel it if it happens, like I have before, but who knows.
Anybody else find themselves grasping at straws and stupid superstitions to get your hope going? Share in the comments!

The List

24 Jun

Well, Shmerson came home for a blissful 10 hours. Oatmeal chocolate chip cookies were baked, shrimp and spinach basil Gnocchi was cooked, a couple of “deposits” were made happily, much cuddling was had, and now he’s gone for almost two weeks.

After the second “deposit” Shmerson and I gave my eggs and his swimmers a nice little talking to. We explained to his guys that they have to swim to the left, and they have to hang out for a while. We explained to little lefty that she needs to pop soon, and go down Ole’ Lefty to meet the swimmers. Hopefully they were listening.

I’m up against two torturous weeks now. I know saying the word “torturous” may be a bit melodramatic, but so be it. I HATE it when Shmerson’s away. I have a really hard time caring for myself when he’s not around – something that I know I need to change. I think if anything, that’s going to be my mission for these next two weeks, ignore the fact that I’m on my TWW and concentrate on things like actually cooking myself meals, meeting friends, cleaning the house, and getting some work done.

I went to Dr. Happy Pills today and he upped my zoloft dosage, because it’s been evident that right now it’s not completely doing the trick. Hopefully that will help me in this endeavor.

For now – I’m obsessively using OPK’s, hoping that Shmerson’s little guys survive until my follie decides to pop, and everything goes smoothly. Most of my regular readers know I like to make lists, so I’ve decided to share with you my list of things that need to go right for us to actually come out with a baby from this month. I’ve italicized milestones that we’ve never reached before for easy understanding, and because I’m cool and organized like that. Now – on to the list! Yay lists!

  1. Shmerson’s super swimmers need to survive until my follie pops.
  2. This means that my follie better pop in the next 24-48 hours.
  3. Little Lefty needs to go down Ole’ Lefty, and meet the swimmers, to create an actual embryo.
  4. Embryo needs to nestle in properly, in the uterus.
  5. Betas need to double properly.
  6. We need to see a heartbeat.
  7. We need to make it past 8 weeks.
  8. We need to make it to the second trimester
  9. We need the scans to show a healthy baby.
  10. We need the baby to hang out in my uterus hopefully for a full nine months. 
  11. The baby needs to come out healthy and whole. 
  12. I need to stay healthy and whole. 
I know there are plenty of other milestones on the way that I’ve missed. Right now I’m hoping we make it to number 4. Then I’ll hope to make it to 5. If we’re lucky, we’ll hit six and seven. Hopefully from there I’ll be able to breathe just a little bit.
I realized the other day that I’ve been pregnant 3 times, and I’ve never once seen a heartbeat. I hope I get to someday, and hopefully someday soon.
Sometimes I close my eyes and fantasize about what will happen when I finally go into labor one day. I imagine the nurse asking me which pregnancy this is for me. I’ll answer it’s the fourth. She’ll smile and tell me that I must be an old pro. I’ll tell her it’s my first child and make her squirm. For some reason I’ve been liking the idea of making others squirm lately. Don’t know why. I just hope that it really will be the fourth, and we won’t have to say 5th, 6th, 7th, and so on. I don’t know how much more strength I have for this.
But for right now all I can do is convince myself that Nachos for both lunch and dinner are not a healthy nutritional decision, and that staring at the second line on the OPK won’t magically make it darker.
That, at least, would be progress.

25 Dollars (Canadian)

29 Apr

First – an update for those interested: my Betas are down to 82. That’s a nice steady decline and I’m pretty relieved things are going in a downward trajectory. I’ll get bloodwork again probably this tuesday and hopefully they’ll be down to zero by then. Then Shmerson and I can head on over to Dr. Twofer’s office and start tackling this biyatch. Yes. I’m in a very “I’m over it” mood about the whole thing. And I’m cool with that.

So now – on to our regularly scheduled blog post:

Ok. I’m about to confess something. The story I am about to tell will not put me in a very good light. In fact – you will most likely feel the need to mock me continuously, and question my intelligence and decision making from now on.

It begins way back toward the end of March, when I was in my first official post-second-miscarriage two week wait. For those of you who remember, I was driving myself up the wall, making up fake games, and pretty much going crazy just waiting for the day when I could finally pee on a freakin’ stick.

Oh – I was so innocent then. Little did I know that there was a fertilized egg finding a nesting place very far away from where it needed to be. The word “ectopic” was not really in my vocabulary. At least not up front.

Ahh – the good old days.

Ehem. Ok. So – I was going crazy, and during this crazy, one of the bloggers I read regularly shared the story of her experience with a certain online baby psychic.

Yes. You read right. Baby Psychic.

I will not link back to the post, nor will I mention this particular baby psychic’s name, because I admit I’m not going to be very nice to her in this post. But I’m sure some of you at least know who I’m talking about.

Ok – so this blogger was the third in a list of bloggers that had paid money via paypal for this baby psychic to tell them when their babies would be born, their sex, and what kind of people they would grow up to be.

I admit – I was looking for a string of hope. I was looking for a fast forward button. I was looking for something to hang my hat on (or my uterus. whatever.).

Plus – I had about 30 bucks lying around in a paypal account that I never use.

So – on a dark and stormy night, as Shmerson was downstairs snoring away, I headed over to the baby psychic’s website.

First  – this psychic brags about her track record being 80%. I know for a fact she was only off by two months for one blogger I follow. So – I somehow on a lark convince myself that if nothing else – the woman has statistics on her side.

There were several packages to choose from. The “standard” package cost 10 dollars (canadian) and would give you one baby prediction. As in – the next baby to come, no more, no less.

The next level cost – well, I forget how much – but would give you two babies.

There were a few more options – and then I hit paydirt. “The deluxe family package”.

Ms. Baby Psychic will give me information on up to four (!) future children PLUS as an added bonus answer any other questions I have.

I was sorely tempted:

Me: Come on! We have 30 bucks lying around in a paypal account! Let’s do this!

Me: Um, no.

Me: But answers! We want answers! We need to know stuff!

Me: This is a baby psychic.

Me: yes but –

Me: A. BABY. PSYCHIC.

Me: yes but –

Me: An ONLINE BABY PSYCHIC

Me: Oh  come on – just give us this! Admit it! I know you’re curious.

Me: Yes. I admit I’m curious.

Me: So- let’s just do this! it’s only 25 dollars (canadian)!

Me: Oh – you want the DELUXE PACKAGE?

Me: Well, duh. We want four kids don’t we? Plus – we’ve got 30 dollars (american) in this account! It was meant to be!

Me: But –

Me: Come on just do it!

Me: Fine.

And that’s how at 3 o’clock in the morning, on a stormy March night, I paid 25 dollars (canadian) to an online baby psychic.

The baby psychic got back to me and announced that she would have my prediction done by april 26th. And so she did.

On the morning of April 27th, I wake up to find my prediction in my inbox.

I won’t share it with you here.

Because guess what? It’s complete and total BS!

Not what she said.Well, most likely also what she said. But mostly the fact that I was in such a control freaky place that a small part of me actually thought that getting a prediction from an online baby psychic would give me a sense of control.

Plus – she only predicted I’d have two kids. And Shmerson and I want three or four. And the 25 dollar (canadian) package was for up to four kids! I totally could have gone for the cheaper package and gotten the same BS! What a racket!

I’m having three or four kids. And screw you baby psychic for saying otherwise!

Ok – I’ll give you one of her predictions: She predicted a baby girl, which will either be born or found out about in July. I’ll keep you posted if that happens. I actually really hope it does. But I was hoping that before I spent 25 dollars (canadian).

But I will count that purely as coincidence if she’s right. Either that or she found this blog and is basing everything on that. In that case – hi baby psychic!

All in all though – I have to say it was money well spent. It only took 25 dollars (canadian) – and an ectopic pregnancy –  to teach me that I may as well enjoy the ride, because not even a baby psychic will be able to make me feel like I have control over this situation.

So yes. Perhaps the best 25 dollars (canadian. ok I took this joke too far) I’ve ever spent. But for completely unexpected reasons.

April 4th: BF…. N.

4 Apr

So – my pee is not magic. At least not yet.

To be honest, I don’t think it’s gonna be.

I woke up early this morning feeling pukey for no good reason. I POAS and got the negative. I probably got an upset stomach on set yesterday or something.

Later in the morning, I had to go in to get some blood tests done, and I tried to persuade the lab tech to give me a Beta workup, but alas, stupid universal healthcare doesn’t allow you to randomly ask lab techs for blood tests without a doctor’s referral. Who’d have thunk it?

Anywho, I am still gonna POAS tomorrow, but I don’t have my hopes up at this point. Looks like it’s another month for us.

Here’s the thing, if that is the case, I’m actually pretty fine with it. You know what does annoy me though? The fact that I am not as clairvoyant as I thought.

I really thought I was connected to my body. I really believed in that “feeling”. If I’m wrong, well, that’s what really sucks.

Urgh.

Big Fat Not Yet You Idiot

2 Apr

So – I broke down and POAS this morning. It was with Shmerson’s blessing (under the condition that if I get a BFN I wait until the 4th), and with a test that said it could detect as early as 10 DPO, which is where I’m at right now.

Surprise surprise – it was a BFN. I’m not disappointed, because I kind of figured it would be. I just needed to feed the raging control freak monster within that can’t have a smoke so needs to pee on sticks.

So now it’s a matter of waiting until the 4th.

I’m still taking part in the scavenger hunt, and today, I nearly had a seizure when I wiped and found a bit of brown spotting. So I have not yet given up hope. But I’m trying to not get my hopes up either, because I’m on the losing end in terms of most of the symptoms.

I’ve been contemplating how I will react in case this potentially false negative becomes an actual negative.

In all honesty – I have no clue. I assume I will be incredibly depressed. Because of this, and since we’re all about thinking ahead in this TWW – I’ve decided to make up a list of the upside if I get a BFN this month. This way, if and when aunt flo shows up, I can look at this list and hopefully realize there are some good things.

  1. Another month of fun sexy-time with Shmerson.
  2. It will give me a chance to make an appt. with my gyno and express my concerns about progesterone only after a BFP – and address some of the quiet fears that have been sneaking up on me during this last month.
  3. It means that we will not have a baby in December – meaning that the kid won’t have to deal with being the youngest/oldest in his/her class.
  4. I can go get my hair done next week before a wedding, without fear of inhaling hair dye chemicals.
  5. It gives me and Shmerson at least one more month to plan out our living situation.
  6. It gives me at least one more month to stabilize my career.

Ok – since I don’t drink and I’ve cut down my caffeine permanently – these are the only things I’ve really been able to come up with. Have any additions? Comment away!

The Pregnancy Symptom Scavenger Hunt

31 Mar

Hello Contestants! Welcome to the Pregnancy Symptom Scavenger Hunt! Feeling a bit on edge during your Two Week Wait? Well have no fear! Our scavenger hunt is good for hours upon hours of control-freaky fun!

Just look for the following items. Obsessively. For each item, you get a point! And at the end of the Two Week Wait? Well, don’t let me spoil it for you. Read on!

The Pregnancy Symptom Scavenger Hunt Item List

Item 1: Nausea. Intermittent nausea does not count and will penalize the contestant in the form of repeated google searches made by her of “how nauseous were you right after implantation?”

Item 2: Darkened Areolas. Must be definitively darker than usual. Contestant resorting to flashing her boobs to her husband and asking his opinion on the relative brown-ness of said areolas will immediately be disqualified from this point.

Item 3: Fatigue. Must be definitive fatigue. Cannot be confused with nicotine withdrawal or normal insomnia symptoms. Husband mentioning “you were this tired last time too” is a good indication, and may count in contestant’s favor.

Item 4: CM. The creator of this scavenger hunt has no idea what type of CM is supposed to happen immediately after implantation, despite repeated google searches for “what does your cervical mucus look like in the first trimester” and “CM after implantation”. There’s a chance it may be thick and milky, or non-existent. Give yourself a point for either of those. If you come up with a definitive answer and submit it to the scavenger hunt creator, give yourself 2 points.

Item 5: Implantation Pain. Should be definitive, preferably accompanied by some form of implantation bleeding. Frequent google searches for “what does implantation feel like” followed by an in depth analysis as to what precisely the contestant has had for dinner and whether it has made her gassy, results in immediate disqualification from the point.

Item 6: Implantation Bleeding: Yes, it only happens in 20-30% of women, therefore competitor with no bleeding will not be disqualified, but rather given one sympathy point. Warning: Staring at toilet paper after wiping at 7 DPO will not magically make pink/brown discharge appear.

Item 7: Cravings. Craving carbs and chocolate does not count, so you may as well let it go.

Item 8: Frequent Urination. Drinking more than usual will result in immediate disqualification. Urination patterns of the last year will be examined in depth and frequently, in order to determine whether frequency has increased. Inconclusive answers will not count in favor of the contestant.

Item 9: Dizziness. Spinning around and around in a circle to create said dizziness will result in immediate disqualification.

Item 10: Mood Swings. Contestants who suffer from excessive mood swings on a regular basis regardless of pregnancy will immediately be disqualified from this point.

Item 11: Positive Pregnancy Test. Results of the scavenger hunt will not be revealed to contestants unless they turn in a Home Pregnancy Test with two clear lines showing. No evaporation lines will be accepted, so don’t try to fool us. Any contestants with a single line followed by signs of a red discharge lovingly known as aunt flo will automatically be banned from the scavenger hunt for a period of 14-20 days, depending on the length of their cycle and general ovulation patterns. After said waiting period, and proof of repeated sex with their significant others, contestants are welcome to re-submit items for consideration.

Winner of the Scavenger Hunt gets up to 9 months of anxiety, followed by a take-home baby*

*Baby not guaranteed

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