Tag Archives: therapy

Did I Actually Agree to Do This?

13 Sep

10 DPO and I’m out this month. Not a surprise, because I popped on the tubeless side, but annoying nonetheless.

Now on to our too-scarce-as-of-late regularly scheduled blog post.

You all know how much I love my pee sticks. I sing songs to them, I nickname them affectionately, I hoard them, and shake them like etch-a-sketches when they don’t give me the result I want.  Lately my obsession has expanded into the realm of Fertility Friend, where I temp religiously and check my chart 4-5 times daily, obsessing over each spike and dip.

Yesterday, as I was eating some fattening food to try to temper my BFN disappointment I finally realized that I have a problem. I’m becoming this grotesque peeing charting and eating monster. I don’t like the look of who I am lately. Not one bit.

Today in my EMDR session, I brought it up to my therapist.

I don’t know how she did it folks, but somehow she convinced me to hand over all of my pee sticks the next time I see her, and in her presence I deleted the Fertility Friend app on my phone. She made me promise to pee on a stick if and only if my period is late, and to stop charting for the next three months.

In the throes of a lovely therapy session, I agreed.

I already have the shakes from this process dear readers. Withdrawal is settling in. Twice today already I’ve gone to my phone to look at my chart only to realize that there is no chart to look at. At least once I caught myself thinking about when my next date of expected ovulation is only to realize that I have no way of speculating.

My therapist wants me to try a few months of trying for a baby the way normal people do it. Baby makin’ sweet sweet lovin’ every other day with no aids. Oh the horror!

In short – she wants me to give up control.

Next week is Rosh Hashana – the Jewish New Year. In honor of the occasion we made a list of all of the things I need to let go of. Guilt, the need to constantly control, self loathing, and pee sticks.

Oh, pee sticks!

She asked me what charting and all this freaking peeing was truly giving me. I admitted that it was the illusion of control.

Of course – she pointed out that this is precisely the reason I need to give them up.

So I agreed. I’m doing it. No charting or peeing for the next three months.

Holy crapnuggets – what the hell am I supposed to do with all of this free time?

Now pardon me while I crawl into a corner and shake while in the fetal position.

Strands

26 Jun

Ok I’ll admit it: I haven’t been around because I’ve been wallowing. It’s been a hard week, between the due date and this freaking diet.

But let’s be honest, it’s mostly the due date. I’ve been doing my best not to think about it, but even when not thinking about it I’m pretty mopey. I’m really hoping this will pass soon. I’m sick and tired of feeling this way.

In AF news – there is no news. I’m finishing up the pills today and hopefully that will jump start things. The baby psychic  said July will be our month  (though granted I thought she meant last july). So here’s hoping my skepticism will be challenged this month, and that freaking psychic was right after all.

Seriously guys – I’m so over this.

Now to the point of this post. I apologize in advance if this gets rambly. I’m trying to figure it out myself.

So yesterday I was at the shrink’s.

It’s funny – since I decided to break up with her our sessions have been amazing. Just bringing up what my problems with her have been opened me up to actually talking openly again. I’m not saying I’m no longer considering leaving her. But for now – we’re making some amazing strides.

Anyway – a big revelation I’ve had about the way I operate is this:

I spend all of my time dealing with the day-to-day issues in my life almost to the point of obsession. Whether it’s pee sticks, or obsessing about a project – I think about the details of the present but never the big picture. At least not the present big picture.

I compare it to a ramble of thoughts swirling around a black hole. That black hole being who “I really am”, which is something I haven’t explored in a very long time, if ever.

The problem is that black hole. It’s not filled with things I love, because I’m not sure what I love any more. It’s not full of my dreams and aspirations, because I’m not sure what those are any more outside of a baby. It’s full of grief, loss, anxiety, depression, fatigue, and self-loathing, and that’s why I stay away from it.

When I try to put the pieces of my identity together I feel like I don’t have a strand to grasp. I feel empty.

This is not a new thing. It started before the miscarriages. But the miscarriages threw it into sharp relief, because before – at least I had strands.

Now I have nothing, and I don’t know where to start.

Last night, my shrink asked a question that would finally give me a strand to grasp on to.

The question was:

“What if you don’t have a baby?”

I answered: “That isn’t an option.”

“I know that isn’t a real option. But I want you to think about it as an imaginary option. What would happen if you decide tomorrow that you will never have a child – not through adoption, or surrogacy, or pregnancy?”

“Well that’s a damn good question.”

So I’ve been mulling that over since then. I even talked it out with Shmerson a little bit.

Living child-free has never been a realistic option for us. But talking it over made me realize how different our decisions would be.

For example – I’m not sure if I’d be considering going back to school right now. Maybe eventually – but not necessarily now.

What would I do?

I don’t know. Make a lot of money so we could take that trip to Japan, or maybe make a movie.  Take better care of my body, I think. Make sure to go to a lot more rock concerts.

I’m still mulling all of this over. I never thought it would be so hard to pinpoint my true core desires and ambitions. But the grief and the longing for a child have taken over so much of my life that there has been no room left for anything else. I’ve been going through the motions for so long that I have no idea what drives me any more.

Hopefully though, this question is the start of something.

It’s a strand I can begin to unravel, and I guess that’s as good a place as any.

How to (Not Really) Break Up With Your Therapist

13 Jun

I emailed my shrink over the weekend telling her that I wanted to stop seeing her. Me0Me told me to do it so that I don’t drop a bomb on her in the session. I thought it was a good idea so I went for it.

I walked into the session already in tears. The truth is, I love this woman and I’m unendingly grateful for everything that she’s done for me over the last 4 years. She called me from New York the night before my first D&C to calm me down because I was afraid of general anesthesia. She kept tabs on me through every crisis. She is the one who helped me come to the realization that in the process of losing Nadav, I became a mother.

I feel an unbelievable sense of loyalty to her, so I broke down just at the thought of having this conversation with her.

Then it took an unexpected turn.

You see – here’s the thing about me when I’m in crisis: I go nuclear. I take drastic action. I can’t just “be” in a crisis. I have to act. No matter what.

That was the first thing she pointed out.

Don’t get me wrong, she said that I am free to leave her if I think that’s the best thing for me. But she also said something that made me sort of wake up: “I’m not leaving you. You can always come back here.”

We started talking, and I told her a few of the reasons I wanted to leave. For one – my need to explain everything IF related to her. Another – the fact that I’m treading water, and I feel like it’s taking all my energy just to do that. She helps me tread water but no more than that.

Then she said “Ok, you have every right to be angry with me.”

I immediately got defensive: “I’m not angry with you. I could never be angry with you!”

She asked me why. I told her because I love her too much and I’m grateful for what she’s done for me.

She countered that those things are not mutually exclusive. That love and anger inevitably go together, and it’s a good thing that they do.

Then she said: “Maybe you should look into that. You have anger at a lot of things, but you don’t let that anger out. Instead, you turn it inward on to yourself. No wonder you’re so tired.”

Heady-explode-y.

The fact is I felt guilty about wanting to leave her. Just like I feel guilty about all of my losses. Just like I feel guilty about everything.

And maybe that guilt is really just anger turned inward.

It makes sense. Because really, I’m pretty frakking pissed at the way my life’s been going. And yet all I do is wallow in self-loathing and guilt. Maybe feeling some anger will do good things.

In the end, she suggested that we keep on meeting while I look into alternative options. She doesn’t want me to be without support, and I think she’s right about that.

She assured me that whatever I finally decide, she will be with me 100%. She just wants me to “live” in that decision for a while.

And I think that’s a good thing. We’ll see.

***Stay tuned for tomorrow’s episode wherein I go to the Russian to ask for fertility drugs!***

(Thanks SRB for the inspiration!)

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