Tag Archives: RPL

Fear is an Unpredictable Biyatch

5 Dec

So three nights ago I had a nightmare. And last night as well. I won’t go into details, but it was about things going terribly wrong.

It’s been haunting me ever since. I haven’t been able to function.

The truth is I’ve been depressed for a couple of weeks now. I haven’t really been writing here, I’ve been keeping to myself in general. I haven’t been functioning.

And it’s all because of fear. The farther I get into this pregnancy the more frightened I am.

The truth is, I don’t have any more losses in me.

The truth is, that if something goes wrong, I don’t think I’ll be strong enough to make it through this time.

I’m tired. Not physically. Emotionally. I’m drained. I don’t have any more energy left for positivity. I’m out of hope.

I know this is ridiculous. Some of you may be reading this and thinking “Shut the fuck up, you’re 11 weeks pregnant!”

I know. I know.

But I think getting through the last few months has taken a lot out of me. Dragging week by week, scan to scan has gotten to me.

I’m tired.

I’m tired, and things have gone wrong for so long that I can’t even fathom them going right for a change. I just can’t.

All I can see in the future is heartbreak. And everyone around me telling me “This is it! Everything will work out this time!” is actually making things harder.

I can’t help thinking –  “what if it isn’t it? What if things go wrong again?”

Because that’s been my life for almost two years. Things going wrong.

How the hell can they actually go right?

I know half of you reading this probably hate me for being so negative. I know most of you think I’m being stupid.

I kind of think that way too. I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. I’m boring myself with all of this worry and listless lethargy. I want to freaking live my life already.

But somehow I can’t get out of this cycle. I just don’t know how to snap out of it.

I keep hoping that the next milestone will do it. The NT scan two days from now is no different. Crossing the 12 week threshold on friday is no different.

But will it actually get me out of this funk? I doubt it.

I know I’m the only one capable of pulling myself out of this. I just wish I knew how.

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