Tag Archives: relationships

Group Therapy Th- Um, Friday – Donor Eggs and Banana Hammocks

27 Jul

The Dark Knight Rises beckoned yesterday, but just because it’s Friday that doesn’t mean that we can’t do this, right? So let’s get this show on the road!

Dear Mo and the Group:

We’ve made the decision to go ahead with Egg Donation. Now the next point for us – which country to choose – stay at home, have a mahoosive long wait, but in an environment which maximises the knowledge the child has about where they come from, or go overseas, no wait, but only a limited amount of info about the donor available. Oh what to do! p.s. I prefer anonymous as I don’t want the child to abandon me in the future.  He prefers as much knowledge as possible to help the child know where they have come from.



 Well, I know I’m no DE expert – so I’m gonna let the commenters cover most of this (DE ladies – speak up!). Here’s my take on it though:

I think you and your husband do need to come to a consensus about how/if to disclose to the child that he/she was conceived via donor egg. That will make your decision a helluva lot easier.  On another note, I do have something else to say: I think you may be exaggerating when you say you “don’t want the child abandon you.” You’re  underestimating the power of nurture. Just like adoptive kids don’t “abandon” their adoptive parents. Give yourself some credit. Biology isn’t everything. I actually think it counts for very little in the big picture.

I think you may be skirting the true issue here: I don’t think you’ve forgiven yourself yet for the failed cycles. I think you may be viewing donor eggs as a failure on your part. I get it – I truly do – not having faith in your body, and as a result in yourself is a terrible place to be, and I’ve been there. Take a deep breath, and work on forgiving yourself. That will make the process a whole lot easier. Ok? Ok.

Dear Mo and the Group,

Since our loss earlier this year, we’ve had a falling out with my husband’s parents.  It took them nearly 3 months to visit after the loss and when they did, they didn’t talk about our baby.  When we showed them items from our baby, they avoided grieving with us and basically just left.  I appreciate that this was upsetting to them.  What’s more upsetting is that after my husband expressed how hurt he was by their reaction, they stopped calling.  They used to call 1x/week.  My husband and I are so hurt by this behaviour.  When my husband has called on special occasions (bless him, because frankly I couldn’t be bothered) they act like there is nothing wrong.  They never acknowledged us on Mother’s/Father’s day or on our due date.  I’m just not sure what to do.  I don’t have the energy to grieve, fight infertility and repair relationships with hurtful people.

 The Broken Daughter-In-Law

Oh, TBDIL- I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. Here’s what sucks about our kind of loss: It’s mostly ours. While it’s physical and tangible to us, not everyone will acknowledge what it truly is: Losing a child. I can’t say that your In-Laws are right here – because they’re certainly not. But my guess is that they don’t know how to treat you guys. Maybe your husband did explain that he was hurt – but did he explain why? Did he describe the pain you’re going through?

It’s up to you whether you want to do this or not, but I know this has helped me when it comes to my relationships: Because our kind of loss is so difficult to understand, if I see that someone close to me doesn’t “get it”, I take the time to explain it. To tell them how I feel. To explain that I gave birth, that I’m a mother with empty arms. I even sometimes tell them exactly what I need from them so they don’t feel helpless in the face of my sadness.

It’s not the right thing to do, but people sometimes step away when they don’t know how to deal. Sometimes you need to help them help you.

What do the rest of you guys think? Am I being too easy on the In-Laws?

Dear Mo and the Group,

Would you recommend club soda or bleach for cleaning tomato sauce out of a macrame?


Banana Hammock

Didn’t I say no cleaning questions? Because my answer would be dish soap and paper towels. That’s officially my answer to every cleaning question. Let me know how that works out for you! 😛

Dear Mo and the Group,

I am having a career dilema. I was accepted into a Masters in Social Work program in NYC and am slated to start this fall. However, in the past year or so I have started to wonder if this is a path I want to pursue and began researching nursing. I have taken a term of prerequisites for a nursing program and got all As. Now I have a month to make the final decision: Stay on the west coast and pursue Nursing (and hope I get into a program next year) or move back to NYC and start the MSW program. Any advice/opinions are apprecieated!


Indecisive in Oregon

Oh that’s a tough one IIO. My question to you would be – what do you love? I have a feeling it’s nursing from what you wrote. If that’s the case, stick to it.

Here’s something I have to remind myself constantly because I tend to forget it: No decision is set in stone. Life paths often go off track, or change courses, and you always have the right to change your mind. Uprooting your life to move to New York for a program that you’re unsure about seems a bit extreme. If you got in once, you will be able to get in again if/when you’re more sure of yourself. For now – pursue your passion.

Dear Mo and the Group,

I have always had a very difficult time having an orgasm, and never through penetration. I have heard about, read about, and have gone in search of the elusive g-spot. My husband even went on a “g spot safari” and no luck. I am wondering if I was born without one. Can anyone tell me a fool proof way to know if I have one or not, and if so, find that bugger?

 – Orgasmically Challenged

Most women can’t have the big O through regular intercourse. That’s a fact. It’s not by any means a failure on your part. So my take on this is – if you can’t have it on the inside, make sure you get it on the outside every single time. I would go for a two step process here.

The first – purchase a toy. I would recommend a pocket rocket. They’re inexpensive, and very Jr. Varsity as far as toys go. Experiment with it on your outer bits. Then once you get a groove on with it on your own, start incorporating it into your bedroom routine. Once that’s down and you’re getting in the groove, I am also a big proponent of the vib.ra.ting co.ck ri.ng. You’ll never go hungry again! Or something!

Ladies – any other insight?

Dear Mo and the Group,

I had infertility, then a son by IVF (3 years ago), then a recent unexpected pregnancy which ended in a 13 week miscarriage (trisomy.) While I had thought I was ok with no more kids (when it wasn’t really possible), having a surprise pregnancy opened up old wounds and I’m struggling now. Problems are- husband doesn’t want more AT ALL and since we both work full-time, and are high stress people, I don’t think our family could handle kid #2 well (should it happen). Also, I’m 37, last m/c from trisomy- so I’m scared of all that happening again. Question- how do I resolve this painful longing in my life when logically, it seems like a no-brainer? My husband is scheduled for vasectomy this fall… so my ‘window’ for trying is coming to a close. (He’s only waiting as it is to make me feel better (should I decide I HAVE to try again!))

– Totally Vacillating and Not Happy About It

Ohhhh- that’s a tough one TVNHAI. First of all, I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I know as well as anybody that one of the first instincts after a loss is to want to get pregnant again IMMEDIATELY. That is not, however, always the right thing to do. The question is – is your longing for a second child colored by your loss, or was it there all along? If it’s always been there, then you should definitely give it another shot, if your husband is willing to go along with it. If this is colored by the loss, take another month. Take a step back and take care of yourself a bit. That should be your first, second, and third priority right now. As for a second child in that circumstance – maybe. But only when your head is at least partially cleared of that grief.

Dear Mo and the Group,

What are your thoughts or opinion on reconciling a marriage, mid-divorce, with a history of infidelity? My husband and I have been separated for seven months, I filed for a divorce several months ago and have decided (not 100%), that I want my marriage to work. Since the separation, he has been involved with someone else. He has apologized for this and stated he only did it bc he thought we were over. He has since ended things with her and days he’s ready to be committed to being a husband and a father.. Oh, did I mention we have three boys under three and he only saw them a dozen times during our separation. I want to trust him again and I have strong beliefs on the sanctity of marriage but I’m scared. Help!!

– Separated and Confused

Oh SC, this is so hard! If there weren’t kids involved I would unceremoniously say get rid of the excess baggage and move on. I’m sure that you would do the same much more easily if that were the case.

On the other hand, your husband doesn’t seem to really be making an effort here. A good mommy is a happy mommy, and I have a feeling your happiness isn’t really on the top of this guy’s list.

I’m not personally a child of divorce, but I have plenty of friends who have said that in the long run, they are glad their parents separated. I also have some friends who grew up in homes with loveless marriages and have serious commitment issues as a result.

In the end – whatever decision you make – don’t forget that your happiness is key to these kids happiness.

What do you guys think?

Have at it in the comments – tell me where I went terribly wrong!

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