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Tag Archives: random

Bullets and Bunnies: Not Thinking About the Date Edition

22 Jun
  • First of all – Wow! You guys are amazing. Your comments and feedback on my last post were just… Wow. You know what I found amazing? That a lot of you felt like you had been “doing it wrong” in leaving comments on those tragedies, and were questioning your support of women like me. And every one of you who wrote that sentiment is a woman who at least in my experience has been an amazing source of support. Just like us to be judgmental of ourselves, isn’t it? Give yourselves a bit more credit ladies!
  • I did want to clarify one thing: I don’t think saying “I’m sorry for your loss” is a bad thing, per se. I think my issue is more about “hit and run” support, and the undertone of pity that is felt in some people’s comments that I’ve come by. A few of you pointed out – and rightly so – that sometimes that’s all you can get out, and there are women who need that small gesture. I agree. If you can’t find the words, “I’m sorry for your loss” is a good place to begin. I echo your sentiments when I say that the best thing to do is to stick around afterward. It’s the ongoing support that means the most, and is most needed. 
  • Speaking of train-wrecks – did you guys see the dramz about this Courtney chick? What happened was a couple of days ago this woman who had only been blogging for a month or so announced that she had lost her two-month-old daughter in a car crash, after losing her first daughter to a cord incident at 37 weeks. She was called out as a fake and then deleted her blog. At first I was horrified that people were accusing her of faking. Then (before she had deleted the blog) I poked around in her archives. There were definite holes in the story. But the most disturbing thing was that less than 24 hours after her “rainbow” supposedly passed away, her timeline was updated to reflect it, as was her profile, and – well, everything. Plus she posted like 4 times in the first 24 hours after the “rainbow”‘s supposed passing. I don’t know about the rest of you babyloss moms out there, but that’s what clinched it for me. I could barely bring myself to post two sentences on the day Nadav passed. And it took forever for me to update everything else. I was barely coherent for days. It was all very fishy, and the deletion of the blog just cemented it. I wasn’t mad though. i just kind of felt sorry for this woman. I mean, who would WANT to be a part of this club? What do you guys think? 
  • Today was diet day one and ZOMG this is going to be hard. My cousin put me on a week of detox. Very few carbs, no sugar except through fruit, not much of anything really. I’ll get my carbs back eventually, though. I guess that’s an upside. I just hope this week o’ hell will reflect nicely on the scale next week. So far I’m having mad sugar withdrawal. 
  • I have been so in my head over the last week that my inbox is packed with emails that I haven’t answered. I want to, I just can’t bring myself to concentrate today. Same with the blogs. I’ve been such a crap commenter this week. Bad bad me. 
  • Honestly? I just want to get past today. 21 -ish more hours and this day will be behind me and hopefully things will be easier. 
  • Here are two bunnies to make up for the bullet points:
Ok – distract me! What have you all been up to?
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Where is My Mind

16 May

Me: Dude, you’re doing it again.

Me: Doing what?

Me: You know, that thing you do when you put yourself in a bubble and zone out and just completely lose touch with everything.

Me: I’m sorry, were you saying something?

Me: That was a joke, right?

Me: Mmm-hmm. Whatever.

Me: Seriously. Snap out of it.

Me: Out of what? I am perfectly fine thankyouverymuch.

Me: Um, we missed our therapist appointment yesterday.

Me: Yeah, so?

Me: Because we FORGOT.

Me: Eh, didn’t feel like talking about anything anyway.

Me: No, you were preoccupied with our uterus again.

Me: OK seriously though – I can’t help it! Our uterus is fascinating!

Me: *sigh* I need a vacation.

Me: Well you’re getting one in 9 days when we fly to Rhodes for our two year wedding anniversary.

Me: Thank goodness.

Me: Until then – it’s uterusapalooza!

Me: Not funny.

Me: It’s Ute Fest 2012!

Me: Yeah I get it.

Me: It’s Lady Parts Presents: An Ode to Our Internal Plumbing!

Me: Hmph.

Me: It’s a Fallopian Fiesta!

Me: Oh dear me.

Me: It’s a Hoping-For-Insemination Celebration!

Me: Did you think of these ahead of time and make a list?

Me: It’s an Egg-stravaganza!

Me: You’re beating a dead horse.

Me: It’s the premier of the critically acclaimed off-off-off-broadway one-uterus-show: I’ve Only Got One Tube, and Half My Sanity!

Me: Ok that one was at least accurate.

Me: It’s Uterus-Rockin-Eve!

Me: Ok now you lost me again.

Me: Uterusuterusuterusuterusuterusuterusuterusuterusuterus!!!!

Me: Le Sigh.

Bullets and Bunnies – Appropriate for the Holidays Edition

9 Apr
  • Haven’t done one of these in a while (and boy have things changed since the last one). I figured I was overdue for one, it being Easter and all. Even though I’m Jewish. But still. Plus- my thoughts are way too jumbled to make a full coherent post.
  • Passover was both fun and difficult. Fun because – well – it was fun. Difficult for obvious reasons. The should-have-beens and the could-have-beens haunted both me and Shmerson. I tried not to let it get to me too much, and only partially succeeded.
  • I think the hardest part of the Holiday was how Shmerson and I kept on fantasizing about how it would be when we had kids. It’s frustrating, but inevitable to think that way at this point.
  • With all of that, I’m kind of mad at myself for being so negative. “Could have been” or “may eventually be” isn’t what IS. And I can’t keep on dwelling on the past, or an imaginary future. I’m trying really hard to concentrate on that, but sometimes it’s difficult.
  • I’ve been a crappy commenter lately, and I’m really sorry. I’ve been keeping up with all of you, but I’ve been having a hard time jumping back into the conversation. I feel like I’d be spreading my bad Babyloss mojo on your blogs. I know it’s stupid. It’s just how I feel.
  • I’m also finding myself, for the first time, having a really hard time reading pregnant bloggers. It used to not bother me so much. Now just reading the word “pregnant” sends me spiraling. This is not good, I know. Another thing to work on.
  • Warning: TTC geekery ahead in the next few bullets.
  • AF showed up last week and I was actually relieved considering I was scared that things wouldn’t start up again.
  • Speaking of starting up again, I have another follow-up with The Russian on Wed. I’m less in a state of shock than I was during my first post-loss appointment so I’m going to bombard him with questions and demands requests.
  • I want an HSG to make sure everything healed up ok in there. The last thing we need is more ectopics.
  • I also want to discuss the option of getting an abdominal cerclage. For those of you who don’t know, that’s basically a cerclage that’s placed through abdominal surgery, usually before you even get pregnant. It stays there for life, and it means C-section births only. The success rate on them is really high. Usually from what I’ve read they only do them for women with two failed cerclages, but I don’t want to get that far. I’m hoping The Russian will be on board with this. Anyone out there have one placed? Would love to hear some stories so I have a clearer picture about them (success and failure).
  • I’ve also been thinking a lot about IVF. Technically my diagnosis is “Infertile” according to all of the papers, so my health provider may cover it. My reasoning is that it lowers our chances of ectopics, and, if we do go for it, I’d want to do genetic testing on the embabies so we could make sure we’re transferring healthy ones. Maybe it’s all a step too far though. I don’t know. I’ll ask the Russian what he thinks, and would love to know what you guys think as well. Is this just a random grab at control, or should I seriously consider this?
  • Wow, this is kind of a depressing return to Bullets and Bunnies isn’t it? Ok – how about a joke? Darn it. Can’t think of one. Give me a good one in the comments.
  • I got totally drunk last night for the first time in almost a year. It was fun. I take upsides where I can get them. 🙂
  • I feel fat. And I can’t stop eating chocolate. This does not make for a good combination.
  • More proof that I am a masochist: Grey’s Anatomy. Not going to spoil you guys on a continuing plot line here, but those of you who watch should get why I’m saying this.
  • I put in an order for my Undergrad transcripts. First step in getting the Art Therapy Master’s! Though I really should be  – like – on step five by now.
  • Wow, I’m really having a self-flagellation party today. Awesome sauce.
  • A few of you have mentioned that the blog isn’t showing up on your readers. It may be because of my move to .com, so update your links, and it should be ok.
  • So that was a bit of a bummer post, wasn’t it? Here are TWO bunnies to make up for it. Happy Easter and Happy Passover!

Bullets and Bunnies: Announcements Updates Stuff, and Things

15 Oct
  • Still feeling preggo as heck, but no betas yet. A couple of you asked in the comments, so here’s what the next week is going to look like: Because of the holidays here people are on vacation and schedules are wonky. So, right now, the plan is to get the first beta draw on Sunday morning, and then the second on tuesday. I haven’t been able to reach the Russian (he may be on vacation) yet, but I’ll try to get him to squeeze me in sometime this week (though it may still be early). If I can’t reach the Russian, I’ll bite the bullet and go in for a private consult with Twofer. It’ll cost more, but I want to get my butt next to an U/S ASAP. Speaking of – I’ve read some conflicting reports about this – any of you ladies know how soon I’ll be able to see a sac? I need to know the Shmembryo is in the right place, stat!
  • Group Therapy Thursday isn’t dead, but I’m cutting it down to once a month or so. I’ll probably stick to posting it on ICLW weeks, because the more feedback the better. That means the next one is coming up! Click over to the last post to submit your questions!
  • Now, an announcement: I know a lot of my readers are also bloggy friends and readers of Elphie’s blog, eggsandsperm.com . So Elphie’s due to go in for her C-Section in the beginning of November, and it’s only fitting that we throw her a virtual baby shower!! Yay!!! Here’s how you participate:
  1. Fill in this contact form: 

  2. If you have your own blog, then on Monday, October 24th, you will write a post about what Elphie’s journey to mommyhood has meant to you, and include a picture of your present to her little girl. I will provide you with Elphie’s contact info so you can mail her the present.
  3. If you don’t have your own blog, but still want to participate, you can email me your post and I will put it up here. I’ll contact everyone who is interested with more details.
  • That’s all for today. I’m off to collapse. Thank you everyone for your awesome support over the last couple of days. I’m feeling pretty calm right now. Let’s hope it lasts. In the meantime, here’s a bunny!  

Bullets and Bunnies – Redoux

5 Oct

I need a distraction from the craziness of the last 24 hours, so allow me to continue with our regularly scheduled programming:

  • My brain is so fried it may as well be a side dish at a drive thru. I don’t know if anyone ever told you all this, but buying an apartment is expensive and stressful! We’ve been running around like maniacs to get all of our paperwork done for the mortgage. If all goes to plan (which it rarely does), we should have the keys to our new place early next week, and we can get started on renovations. With the holidays here everything is a little wonky, but I’m hoping we’ll be in sometime in early November. I’m sorry I’ve been a bad bloggy friend in the last week. I’m just EXHAUSTED.
  • Clarification from our Rosh Hashana fiasco, because a couple of people asked: OPKs can act as HPTs, because LH, the hormone they detect, is very similar to HCG. You can read more about it at my favorite pee-stick bible. Oh, and just to be clear, I was relieved that it was a BFN. If it was positive at that point, it would have for certain been an ectopic, just like last time. It was one of the few times I was relieved to see a single solitary line.
  • In other news, I had “the feeling” again. In three pregnancies so far, I’ve never been wrong, here’s hoping the streak continues, and this time it sticks. I’m officially 3 days into the TWW. Will I be right again? We’ll know in a week or so, depending on how early I decide to pee on stuff. We shall see. Oh! Let’s have a poll! When should I pee?                                                                                                                            
    *Note: If you vote for 12DPO, I may listen to you guys, but I probably won’t. I um, like to pee on stuff, in case you hadn’t noticed. 🙂
  • On Sunday, I finished shopping for all of the new furniture for the new place, and I gots me some awesome deals. It was exhausting and stressful. This is like, real adult furniture! Plus, I couldn’t stop thinking about how kid-friendly my fabric choices needed to be, and I couldn’t stop imagining a bunch of little rugrats climbing all over the stuff. Once the decisions were made (and the stuff is gorgeous, I can’t wait to put it all in place and post pics), I was relieved, excited, and a little sad. Getting this house together has been really fun, but always marred with a little sadness and anxiety, because I know that I’m putting this place together for our kids, and they have yet to show up. Hopefully the pretty house will be motivation enough.
  • Funny furniture shopping anecdote: My mom and I spent two hours at a store trying to pick out the wood stain color for our dining set and living room furniture. We stared at an iPhone pic of the wood panel flooring I had picked out, and tried to figure out what would go best with it. Once we finally picked the color, we get in the car. My mom says something doesn’t quite feel right to her. She then proceeds to drive to the wood panel flooring place, and pick up a huge piece of flooring so we have a physical sample. After two hours of driving the furniture salesman crazy, we proceed BACK to the store, and my mom marches in carrying a three-foot wood-panel board. Just for context, my mom is about 5 feet tall and weighs about 100 pounds. This TINY woman marches up to the guy and we compare the wood stain with the panel. She was right – the colors were all wrong. So we picked new ones. I think the furniture guy thinks my mom is crazy. I just think she’s a darn good interior designer. Bonus for me!
  • Have you submitted your questions for Group Therapy Thursday yet? No? Well get on it, then!
  • The heavy heart demands a bunny, so I leave you with a particularly adorable one:

Bullets and Bunnies: The Rolls Royce of Pee-Sticks, and Our New Apartment

14 Sep

I figured this was a better title than “thought vomit”, since I end up using bullet points and posting cute bunnies anyway. May as well be clear about it, in the alliterative sense… 🙂

  • We got the results from our Karyotyping tests today. I’m relieved and happy to tell you all that both Shmerson and I are A-OK. All chromosomes are where they should be. One more thing to cross of the list of worries.
  • I’m exhausted! We finalized the deal on our old apartment last Thursday, and ever since we’ve been running around applying for mortgages, ordering renovations, picking out wood panel floors, and comparison shopping furniture. The decorating part is awesome, but everything else is a headache and a half. I haven’t had a chance to breathe, and barely a chance to sleep. I can’t wait until mid-october when we finally get to enjoy the fruits of all of this (and our new compounded interest debt. Though we won’t actually enjoy that, but I guess it comes with the territory. Ahh well). Also – I’m sorry I haven’t been able to reply to comments or catch up on your blogs! I promise I’ll be back in the land of the living soon. Or at least in time for Group Therapy Thursday so keep those questions coming! 🙂
  • My FRER’s came in the mail (finally!) last night. That’s First Response Early Result for you non-pee-stick-freak people. I swear, these things are the Rolls Royce of Pee Sticks. Of course I used one this morning (9DPO) and it was a BFN. The thing is, these pee sticks are so awesome I didn’t even care. Seriously. I have never seen a cleaner single line in my life. Today while furniture shopping, I spent a good 15 minutes praising their virtue to my (very confused) mom. She only looked at me funny, like, twice. Maybe three times. I don’t care. I love these things! No wonder they’re so expensive! I just wish they sold them here. In my stupidity, I only bought a two-pack, and I don’t want to waste the second one. It’s so pretty, I can’t bring myself to pee on it. That’s weird. I know. But here’s the bright side: I’m holding off on peeing until 12 DPO because of it. If AF doesn’t show up, then I’ll use it. If the bitch rears her ugly head, then I have another pretty little FRER for next month. I know all of this is weird. I don’t care. Spend enough time peeing on sticks and you’ll become a connoisseur, as  apparently I’ve now become. Next I’ll be examining them for fruity undertones and viscosity or something. I don’t care. These pee sticks are so awesome, they made the BFN less painful. Or maybe it’s just because I know it’s early, and I’m generally doing better with things. But still. FRERs. They are sooooo worth the money.
  • At the home improvement store today, I found glittery purple paint for kid’s rooms. I squeed like a 5 year old. I seriously want a girl (if a pregnancy ever manages to stick) just so I can cover her room with sparkly purple paint, faeries, and butterflies. Gender stereotypes be damned! I’d do my own bedroom that way- you know-if I wasn’t almost thirty one and married to a guy. Darn age and stuff. I wants me some sparkly purple!
  • Overall, I’m doing good but I’m fried. All of this budgeting and logistics is not my thing. I’m so glad I chose a career in the arts. I seriously don’t know how all those lawyers, bankers, accountants, etc. do it.
  • That’s all for today! But of course, I won’t let you guys go without a bunny. I keep my promises goshdarnit! So here ya go:

Wherein I Do My Impression of David Caruso’s Career

11 Sep

If you don’t get the reference in the title, please click here. (Really? Pilot episode of South Park? And you haven’t seen it? For shame.)

Or in other words:

IT’S MY TURN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(I’ll skip the taking a nosedive part for now. Hopefully that won’t happen. We’ll know more at around 9DPO.)

Ok. So I’m 7 DPO and I haven’t peed yet. As you probably know, this is a huge accomplishment. And I’m waiting until 9DPO. Honestly, I would tomorrow but my FRER’s, which I’ve been so curious to try, will only be arriving tomorrow evening so circumstance forces me to wait. Which is a good thing, I think. Probably.

I’ve been pretty good this TWW. I don’t think I had “the feeling” this time (but considering past experience, that’s probably a good thing), but my score on the scavenger hunt is pretty high. My boobs are sore, I’m feeling nauseous, and I almost puked today when my students had lunch because of the smell.

But it could be that I’m just feeling under the weather. We’ll see what happens in a couple of days. Not going too crazy in the meantime. Kind of.

Ok, I kind of am, but I don’t have much time to go crazy. Things have been nuts! I’m back to teaching, and we finally closed the sale of our current place on Thursday. Now we’re running around applying for mortgages, and I’m jumping head-first into renovations of the new place.

Heady-explode-y.

Heady explode-y helps with the TWW crazies for sure. But still:

Sorry that was gross. But I kind of feel like that guy right now. Ahh well.

But I’m rambling and getting off topic. (Surprising, I know.) Focus… Focus…

David Caruso.

No no. Quoting an episode of South Park making fun of David Caruso. Right. That’s where I was. I was at “It’s my turn!”

Saturday was my nephew’s 7th birthday party. I’d been dreading it. Every year, we go to this party, and see the same people. Last year, we were post-miscarriage #1, and just about to enter miscarriage #2 (though I didn’t know it at the time). Every child there made my uterus hurt.  Made me want to cry.

This time, it was even harder. My brother is divorced, so I only really see my ex-SIL and her family at these birthday parties. My ex-SIL’s sister gave birth three months ago. She was married two months after Shmerson and I. She gave my nephew his first cousin. That stung. It stung even more to see her there with the baby.

But that wasn’t really the worst of it. I mostly stayed out of the fray, sitting on the side playing “Fruit Ninja” on my iPhone and detaching myself from the situation, because it was the best way I could come up with to deal. Still, my ex-SIL, her parents, and her sister were obviously aware of our current situation. They gave me the sideways, pity-look “how are you?” When they saw me. I shrugged it off. I joked.

Then her mother and my mom had this sort of grandmompetition, where my mom was congratulating her on becoming a grandma for the second time, and she was giving my mom all of these “oh! this and this couple just went through IVF!” BS lines. I knew my mom wasn’t enjoying the party. Because she knew I wasn’t enjoying the party and had no interest in IVF stories, thankyouverymuch.

But the worst of it came at the end. My ex-SIL’s sister came over to say goodbye. I once again congratulated her (hopefully genuinely) on her little boy. Then, she tilted her head once again, and said the two words I hate most in the Hebrew Language: Bekarov Etzlech.

This isn’t an easy phrase to translate. Kind of like “havaya metakenet“, this pair of words has a whole undertone of meaning. Literally, it means “you’re next.”

Culturally, it’s a world’s worth of pressure on your back.

For example: Your older brother is getting married. People come up to him and say “Mazel Tov”. They come up to you and say “Bekarov Etzlech”. And at the age of 24, and very much single, you feel depressed and have a few too many vodka-spiked lemonades as a result. (This didn’t really happen. Ok. It really did. I got smashed at my brother’s wedding. Sue me).

This pair of words is even worse for an IFer or an RPLer. Literally you can say they mean “this will be you soon.” Bekarov meaning “soon” and etzlech meaning “with you”. It’s the “soon” part that’s the problem with me.

So I go say goodbye to my former SIL and her new baby, I tell her mazal tov, and she answers “Bekarov Etzlech.” I immediately give her the “Infertile stare of death” and she realizes just how wrong it was for her to say those two words to me. She didn’t mean it in a bad way, nobody does. I’ve found myself saying it to people sometimes too. It’s a saying with good intentions. But man, does it hurt in this context. I just wanted to tell her:

“Soon? Really? Because we’ve been at this for 15 months now, and three miscarriages in, I’m not so sure about the soon part. So please go take your baby and be all happy and leave me alone. I want to play Fruit Ninja and detach emotionally from the situation. Kthnxbye.”

It’s my turn. In two weeks I’ll be turning 31. On my 30th birthday I was pregnant with what would turn out to be my first ectopic. I want to be pregnant on my 31st birthday. And I want it to stick. So that in about 9 months, I can blissfully look at the people coming to congratulate us on our new baby and tell them, with a smug look on my face: “Bekarov Etzlech”. It’s. My. Turn.

Or maybe it isn’t. Maybe I won’t be knocked up this month. Or worse, maybe I will be knocked up but it will be another ectopic. Wouldn’t that be fun?

Urgh. Two more sleeps and I get to pee on some sticks and see where this 31st birthday will take me.

PS – Group Therapy Thursday was a raging success in my opinion! Can’t wait for the next one! Send those questions in!

Another Thought Vomit Post

4 Sep

Maybe it’s  just the way I roll lately. Or maybe it’s because I’ve had a long day on 4 hours sleep. Either way,  here come the bullets!

  • The stupid fake pregnancy “breast cancer awareness” meme caught me off guard. I only saw one post by a FB friend, and I was on the verge of tears, thinking she was preggo with her third child. I was so angry I shared every blog post I found about it. And some angry status updates. Let’s just put it this way: if anyone DIDN’T know I was a bitter infertile before, they sure as hell know now. And I don’t care at this point. How many women who are infertile due to breast cancer, would support this? And tell me, how the heck is this stupid meme helping find a cure for breast cancer? But why don’t you just go over and read Elphie’s post. She’s far more eloquent than I on the subject. I’m just pissed.
  • I got a +OPK yesterday. That’s CD 18, the earliest it’s been in a while. Methinks this is good news about my cycle. I’ve been worried about how late I’ve been popping lately. This makes me officially in the TWW. But I think I’m not going to go crazy this time. I have too much other stuff on my plate, plus – I promised Shmerson. We’ll see what the next week or so brings. I’m sure I’ll be peeing my heart out within the week, but that’s just because I’ll take any opportunity to pee on stuff.
  • Speaking of peeing on stuff – I went on an infertile shopping spree last week. I had to order something for my mom online when I saw a pop-up – Sale on his and her’s fertility tests! I couldn’t resist. I thought it was time Shmerson got his bodily fluids analyzed for a change. You know, just for the fun of it. Plus – it was half price! And then, two more pop-ups! Pre-seed and FRER HPT’s! It’s an infertile discount bonanza! I’ve never had the pleasure of peeing on a FRER , since they don’t sell them over here (did I mention they were on sale?)! I figure if I end up getting knocked up before this stuff ships, I can always do a giveaway. So don’t judge me, ok? Seriously, don’t. Ok, judge me a little. But keep in mind, if I do get knocked up and do a giveaway, judging me will seriously hurt your chances. Ok. Not really. Fine. Judge me.
  • I have gained weight in the last month. Not much, but enough so that my jeans are incredibly uncomfortable (the not-completely-healed-yet incisions from my lap have exacerbated the situation). So I’ve started to buy summer dresses. They are awesome (I like a nice breeze ’round my privates, thankyouverymuch). But I have to admit, I find myself looking at my profile in the mirror and imagining my stomach sticking out with a nice round bump under these dresses, and think to myself: “If I get knocked up it’s one less maternity item to buy! The bump would fit in here nicely!”. That’s not wrong at all. Right? Right?!?!
  • Looks like things are moving forward with the apartment. If all goes well (knock on wood) we’ll be ready to do a bit of remodeling on the new place within a month, and hopefully move in sometime in mid-late October. My mom’s an interior designer (lucky me, right?) and we’ve been starting to get price quotes and making plans. It’s really exciting. The thing is, every time I walk into this place I hear my future kids running around the empty rooms. It makes me incredibly happy, but also incredibly sad sometimes. I’m hoping the happy wins out when we move in.
  • I was totally honored that Mel put my post about sex on this week’s blog round up. The comments on the post, and the emails I’ve been getting as a result gave me an idea, and I want to know what you think about it: I’m thinking of starting something on the blog called “Group Therapy Thursdays”. It would go something like this: You guys send me questions about stuff that’s bugging you. Your sex life, relationships, IF issues, whatever. I post your questions here (anonymously of course), give my take on them, and then open them up for discussion in the comments. I think that despite the relative anonymity of the blogosphere, a lot of us still have “real-life” friends that read our blogs, or our husbands, or whatever, so we may sometimes feel restrained in what we write about and open up for discussion. This became very clear to me because of the responses to last week’s post.  This will give people a chance to discuss this stuff anonymously, and really delve into the taboos of our situations. Also – not every one of you guys is a blogger, so this would give you an opportunity to get some support and advice without having your own platform, and while remaining anonymous. Sort of like a “Dear Abby”, only with an emphasis on community feedback and discussion. So what do you guys think? Good idea? Bad idea? Let me know in the comments (yes Marie, this is totally a result of my recent addiction to the Savage Lovecast)!
So that’s it for today. My baby-crazies taking on the form of shopping sprees, facebook bitterness, and a crazy idea that I kind of like. What do you guys think? Judge me Let me know in the comments!
PS – I’m tempted to post a bunny. I won’t. But I’m tempted. Just sayin’.
PPS – Apparently, this is my 250th post! W00t w00t!

Buzz Buzz Buzz

24 Aug

This is a bullet point post. I do this not because I am lazy (well mostly not). I do this because, in the immortal words of someone: Heady-explodey. Today has been one of those days that I wish I had a pensieve. Stupid me being a stupid muggle. Ahh well.

So – it’s a list. I like lists. You like lists. Sometimes. I’m rambling. I’m tired. Buzz buzz. Here we go:

  • Thank you all for your comments on yesterday’s post. I think we’re gonna go the try try again route. I don’t think I’ll regret this in the long run. The fact is, that there simply isn’t enough info about my past losses. If we have a fourth (FSM forbid), then we will either know it’s an ectopic and take out Ole’ Righty, and then go for IVF, or we’ll have more info and then go blow the $300 bucks. For now, just like the Russian said, we’ve done all that we can outside of experimental treatments. RPL is a biyatch.
  • So now I really want to try again. Like, NOW. And Shmerson is concerned that I’ll go batshit just like I did last time. He keeps on saying (and he is right) that I can’t just spend my time wishing for a baby, because if that’s where all of my energy is, I will have an inevitable crash once we do get our little one. I know he’s right. And I’m really making an effort to work on me a bit more. I don’t THINK I’ll freak out as much as I did last time. But I’m not sure.
  • On the other hand I hear the tick-tock. My cycles are gradually getting longer and I’m ovulating later. I know what this means – my PCOS is kicking in and it’s only a matter of time before I stop ovulating again. In fact, the Russian said that if we don’t get preggo within the next few months then we should start considering Clomid. So yeah – tick tock tick tock.
  • I also kind of feel like if we’re going to have a fourth loss, I just kind of want to get it over with. I don’t know if it’s healthy, but it’s how I feel.
  • I’m just afraid that I want this for all the wrong reasons. And in my crazy buzz-addled brain I keep thinking that the reason for my three losses is because we jumped in for the “wrong reasons”. Urgh. This is stupid. Luckily we have about a week and a half or so before a follie pops so we don’t have to decide yet. In fact, I’m thinking that we shouldn’t decided. Just kinda do it and see what happens (though knowing me I’ll still be using pee sticks like there’s no tomorrow).
  • Enough of the TTC stuff. Moving on:
  • I’m going to Dr. Happy Pills tomorrow, and insisting on changing my meds. They work, in that I’m better than I was after my brain broke back in November, but I feel like they’re band aids, and are not doing what they’re supposed to. He insisted on zoloft, which helps with the depression (most of the time) but causes increased anxiety. So he added xanax. Then the zoloft pooped out (it was a low dosage) so he upped it. Then I started having trouble sleeping, so he added ativan to the cocktail. Now I’m tired. All the time. And I feel completely unproductive 90% of the time, and anti-social. I think it’s time to wave bye bye to Zoloft. I don’t know what we’ll do though, since very few anti-depressants are ok with the preggo. And I assume I will eventually be preggo and I’d rather not be preggo and in happy pill withdrawal. Lexapro was a complete bust when we tried it. Now I have no idea what to do. I’m afraid to go off them completely because of the brain breaking thing, which was no fun. I like my brain unbroken thank you very much. Even if it makes things a little hazy. Urgh. We’ll see what he says tomorrow.
  • Bleeding Tulip has a great post about decision fatigue up on her blog. It has made me realize that I suffer from a new disease that I have just invented: Chronic Decision Fatigue Syndrome. I think I want to do something about that. No clue what, but there ya go.
  • I no longer fit properly into any of my jeans. This is a bad thing. Muffin tops abide and they must be destroyed. Something needs to be done about it. I’ve started by taking a page out of WWH‘s book and making low fat breakfast smoothies. Non-fat yogurt, with fruit, agave syrup, and spinach. Yes, spinach. You can’t taste it and it has vitamins and stuff. Today, I had one at 10am and wasn’t hungry again until 2pm. And even then, I wasn’t THAT hungry. I think this may be good. We’ll see.
  • I want to go back to yoga. But again, i can’t seem to get my ass off the couch. I hope some form of new happy pill will help with the getting off of the couch thing. That would be good.
  • I have now officially started playing “find the infertile” on every single reality show I watch. Married? Over thirty and no kids? Infertile. Looks over 40 and has a 2 year old? Infertile. Puts her children in beauty pageants that include fake tans? Well – that’s just crazy. Nothing to do with being infertile. Just putting it out there.
  • I think that’s enough of my buzz buzz for one night. But I’m throwing in a cute bunny for good measure. Note: I do not own bunnies. That’s Marie‘s department. And hers have magical psychic powers and jump up and down to answer my big existential questions (well I’m actually not sure about that, but I take her word for it because a) it funnies me and b) I have no visual proof to the contrary).

One of Marie’s bunnies telling me that everything will be ok. Artist’s rendering. Not to scale.

  • However, I do find bunnies unbelievably cute and they make me smile. So here are two more bunnies. In cups:



Not All There (Here, Actually)

20 Aug

You know what the problem is with this whole TTC break?

Taking a break does not make the baby-crazies go away (surprising, right? I know, totally.).

In fact, since losing Ole’ Lefty I believe my baby crazies have reached peak levels. We’re talking 9 on the richter scale. Code Red. We’re so high up we need oxygen masks.

You know how sometimes you read IF blogs, and the blogger writes about not being able to look at babies? And you feel for her, you really do, but yet you think to yourself – “eh, that’ll never be me!”

Well, here’s a warning to all you IFers in training. It could very well be you. I too was convinced there would never come a day when I would have serious problems looking at other people’s babies, talking about other people’s babies, or seeing preggo bellies.

Now I know better.

The last couple of weeks have been crazy on a lot of levels. But the baby crazy has ramped up to levels that I thought were unreachable.

I have now officially done the following (yay! It’s time for a list!)

  1. Avoided going to a birthday party because I knew there would be several preggos there (including the birthday girl), even though I truly love the birthday girl. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.
  2. Went to a family function where there was a six-month-old in attendance that I didn’t know was coming, and held back tears while watching the rest of my family coo over said six-month-old.
  3. At that same family function, told off two family members for telling me their “oh! I know this couple who went on vacation…” stories. Trying to explain to people that a vacation does not create neon arrows leading a fertilized egg to your uterus is hard work.
  4. Hid a preggo friend on FB. (Ok, she’s an acquaintance, so that’s ok right?)
  5. Had several crying fits that were completely unexplained, except that they immediately followed thoughts about babies, or seeing a really pregnant woman out in public. Or hearing about another person who just gave birth. Ok. I guess they’re not really unexplained.
  6. Playing rounds of “find the infertile” while watching reality TV. Toddlers and Tiaras is an awesome platform for that game, by the way. I highly recommend it for masochists. (Don’t worry! I’m totally gonna post about that one of these days!)
You always think “It’ll never be me.”
Then you find yourself in the middle of AF, sitting in a bathroom stall and blowing your nose while looking down at this month’s proof that once again, nine months from now, you will not be a mommy.
Over the last few weeks, I’ve been told by a bunch of different people how great a mom I would be. I know! Right? Maybe we should do something about it?
Alas – not yet. Shmerson and I have set some strict ground rules. Sanity, stability, and a second (or is it third at this point?) opinion from an RPL specialist before jumping back in.
I think I’m on the losing side of the sanity part of that checklist. I’m currently a few fries short of a happy meal.
Off my rocker.
A beer short of a six pack.
Nuttier than squirrel poo.
I’m going slightly mad.
I’m really ok though. I swear. (Shmerson, pay no attention to the baby crazy woman behind the curtain!)

Waiting for the Inevitable Night of Hell

17 Aug

Sorry I’ve been MIA for a while. It’s been a crazy week, and I’m suffering from a serious case of writer’s block. Don’t know if they’re related. Hopefully they are because I hate going so long without writing.

So I started spotting this morning, five days late, which I guess is understandable considering the lap. I’ve been teaching tenth graders all week so I’m exhausted, and today my body decided it was time to not like me any more.

Stabby pains every hour or so, a splitting headache, nausea, and so so so tired.

Since spotting started almost 12 hours ago, and Aunt Flo hasn’t gone full-on commando yet, I’m assuming the stabby pains are just a preview of the lovely day or two I have ahead of me.

I’m not looking forward to this, if the sporadic stabby pains are any indication of things to come.

I think I will get my behind to bed. But after some ice cream. It feels called for.

So does this bunny:

Wish me luck! Hopefully Aunt Flo will clean out not only my uterine lining, but my writer’s block. (Wow, did that come out gross? Sorry. Me incoherent.)

Happy Pills, Pee Sticks, Babies, Crazies and General Randomness

26 Jul

So – I am absolutely exhausted, but I figured it was time for an update. So pardon me for the bullet points, but this is all a random jumble.

  • I resisted POAS the last couple of days (thanks for everybody’s feedback, BTW!). Today I saw the coveted EWCM so I ended up doing it, just because it’s only CD 14 and I haven’t O’d this early since I started tracking. It was positive, but one of those half dark lines, so I’m not completely sure where that falls. Even if it counts as negative, it means I’m close. Which makes me really happy. First, because I have no idea what side I’m popping from which will make resisting baby making much easier, and second, I think the progesterone, as torturous as it was, did some good stuff for my cycle. We’ll see on what CD the red lady shows up. I’m curious.
  • Dr. Happy Pills changed around my dosage last week, and that’s doing good things as well. He added Ati.van to the mix, and upped my zo.loft. It makes me hella tired, which is good, because I’m actually going to bed before 4am most nights. Downside: I don’t get to skype as much with my ET/PT time friends (sorry Marie!). Upside: I’m actually conscious before noon most days, and functioning waaaay better.
  • My house has become a train station. Ever since we advertised the place as being for sale, my phone has been ringing off the hook and we have people here all hours of the day. I would restrict it, but I want to get this place sold. The sooner we sell it, the sooner we’re in our new place. And I want to be in our new place. It’s time I get to some serious nesting action.
  • I’m suffering from a serious case of Harry Potter withdrawal. I had spent the last couple of weeks writing that series of columns for keypulp, and now I’m in need of a fix. I’ll probably end up doing a review of the last film after all. As soon as I have time to breathe. Which I don’t right now.
  • I went to visit PM today and got to hold the little one for like half an hour as he slept. I think it was the most at peace I’ve felt in a very long time. I have a lot more to say about what I’m learning from her, but that’s for a longer, less rambly post. But in general, that kid is just so precious. I didn’t imagine I’d love him as much as I do. But I do. It’s not that I’m not a bit envious, because I am. But my awe and my love for PM and the kid completely overshadow that. I’m incredibly grateful. It’s teaching me a lot about this journey.
  • I’m looking for a full time job, outside of the house, because this whole work at home thing does not do good things for my psyche. So far, no luck, because there are very few content-driven companies in my city and I don’t want to commute. The funny thing is that the more I look for full time work, the more freelance jobs fall in my lap, plus a possible opportunity to actually get a feature film made just fell from the sky last week (I won’t talk about it more now – it’s still too early and the status of the project is up in the air, so I don’t want to jinx it). The Flying Spaghetti Monster has decided to lob meatballs at me or something. Things are WEIRD.
  • The thing is, this is the busiest I’ve been in MONTHS. As crazy as things are, I’m loving every minute, and it makes for a great distraction. I only find myself getting a case of the baby-crazies about once a day, which is NOTHING compared to a few weeks ago. There’s apparently something to this busy thing. I think I’m gonna keep going at it. Having a life – it’s not just for fertiles anymore!
  • Shmerson and I went in for karyotyping today. It will take a couple of months before we actually get results, but I’m happy we have one more test under our belt.
That’s about it. I’m going to bed, because I have yet another train station day tomorrow. Wed. is our lap consult, so I’ll update you guys with news on that. In the meantime, fare thee well. I am, to quote Shmerson: collapsedizing.

*Insert Witty Title with the Word “Lap” in it Here*

21 Jul

I was going to title this post “Lap it Up.” But really, that is hella lame. Jump in my lap? Nope. Ahh well, I guess there just isn’t enough in the world of laproscopic surgery humor and/or puns. I should work on that.

So as you may have already guessed, Twofer was very clear cut today. There was no need to beg. Two minutes into the appointment he said very clearly: “Well, I guess the next step would be a lap surgery to figure out the source of the pain and remove the tube while they’re at it.”

He referred me to a really good gyno surgeon, and we have an appointment with him next Wed. Bing bang boom. Done.

Well, not really. There is the whole issue of my PARALYZING FEAR OF GENERAL ANESTHESIA. So when we’re there on Wed, I’m definitely going to explore all of the options before signing on the lap dotted line. But even with the anesthesia fear I felt a certain lightness after leaving twofer today. I think that we made the right decision by addressing this issue with some more serious medical intervention. I’ll keep you all posted.

On an unrelated note – it’s Marie’s Birthday today! If you feel like it, and you should – go over to her blog and wish her a happy birthday!

Marie – over the past 6 months you have become one of my closest friends. It’s almost surreal to think that we’ve never actually met face to face, because I feel like we’ve known each other forever. I love you to bits, and if I could I would fly over to you to give you a huge birthday hug. But I can’t, so I’ll make due with another cute bunny gif:

Have an amazing birthday hon. Wish I could be there to celebrate with you in person!

Road Map

19 Jun

Frontal View. Image not to scale.

Hopefully this will somehow be useful. Or I’m just desperate. Whatever.

The Atheist Prays (and other musings on existential crises)

17 Jun

So I’ve been really down the last couple of days. I’m still pretty sure about our decision to count on Ole’ Lefty, but I feel like I’m already preparing myself for the next inevitable loss. I mean – my luck has been so crappy thus far – I highly doubt I’ll catch a break. The bottom line is I’m scared out of my wits.

I spent the day going back and forth in my head about this decision. Debating. Discussing. There was even an emergency call to my shrink to talk it over with her, in which as usual, she dropped some wisdom and perspective on my ass. Basically, she said I’m upset not because of the decision, but rather because neither decision is ideal. She also pointed out that on a lot of levels, what we have is good news, because my body has been deemed healthy enough for us to try again naturally. A wise woman indeed.

But all of that didn’t do much to allay my fears. I keep on googling incessantly to try to figure out what the chances are of a left side ovulation going into the right tube. And Dr. Google is failing me miserably.

I’ve written here quite a bit about my general heathenism. I have a serious issue with organized religion, and I don’t really know what I believe in. I would categorize myself as an atheist, yet today, I found myself trying to bargain with god, or fate or the universe, or something.

It was toward the end of my yoga class, where I’ve been avoiding twists due to the fact that my right side is still sore from the HSG (is that normal, BTW?).

We were sitting in a sort of meditation and I found myself speaking to the heavens:

“God, or Universe, or Fate, or whatever you are – please make this work. Please let me get pregnant through the correct tube and let this baby stick. I promise that if you do I’ll believe in you. Please prove to me that there is something out there by granting me this one humble request.”

This whole bargaining thing kind of caught me off guard. I surprised myself with this internal monologue. But Twofer’s words keep on echoing in my head: “God owes you one.” And “all you can really do at this point is pray.”

My shrink and I have been talking quite a bit about how this whole repeat miscarriage thing is a manifestation of this ongoing existential crisis that I’ve had for as long as I can remember.

At the age of 8, I realized that I was going to die, and that I didn’t believe in God, and I had my first ever panic attack right there on the spot (just like any normal 8 year old, right?).

Since then, I’ve been plagued with anxiety and a constant search for some sort of comfort or spiritual direction, with no luck. I’m a born skeptic. This may sound pompous, but I’m too smart for my own good. I out-smart myself all the time and go into fits of circular logic.

I know I’m kind of rambling here. But I do have a point – I think.

I wish I could have faith. I wish I could just plug my nose and dive in and be sure that everything will be alright, because “God owes us one.”

But instead, I’m back to Einstein. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome. Statistically, I’ve already been screwed in every way possible. there’s only a 5% chance of infection from a D&C, and I fell into that percentile. There’s like – what? a 1% chance of an ectopic? Check. About a 40% chance of a repeat ectopic? Double check. Not to mention that there’s only a 15% chance every month for a woman to get pregnant and somehow Shmerson’s super sperm have managed twice to swim up a partially blocked tube and knock me up against all odds on the first month out of the gate, not to mention his first bulls-eye which led to the Blighted Ovum.

So – the chances of Ole’ Lefty not picking up the egg from my left ovary and it swimming over to Righty instead are most likely slim. But I’m apparently a freak of nature. Statistics count for nothing.

So all I have left is prayer. And that’s kind of a crappy place to be when you’re an atheist who has been in a constant existential crisis for over two decades.

Today I sat there and begged the universe for proof of some meaning. I bargained. I hoped beyond all hope that there was something – anything – listening.

I wish I was a believer. Maybe then all of this would make sense on some level.

But for now, I’m stuck somewhere between Einstein and the Flying Spaghetti Monster, sitting in a Yoga class, begging for some faith, and making deals with someone or something that I generally don’t think actually exists.

Maybe that’s the definition of insanity.

The AF Betting Pool (With Prizes!)

2 Jun

Ok folks. Aunt Flo has officially decided to be a bitch. Every iphone app and calculation has indicated that she should have arrived sometime today. So far, no sign. No sign of my body gearing up for her either.

So – I’ve decided that instead of torturing myself, I would make this into a fun game for you guys! With prizes!

We IFers love analyzing these things! So away we go!

Here’s how this will work:

I will give you the ins and outs of my cycle.

You will post an educated guess in the comments as to when you think AF will show up.

In order to keep it fair and ensure only one winner, your guess has to be in a 6 hour range. For example, your guess should look something like this: Friday Morning, June 3rd, some time between 10am and 4pm. Keep in mind this is MY local time. I’m currently writing this at 11:30pm on Thursday night. That’s 7 hours ahead of NY, 10 hours ahead of LA, etc.

You cannot repeat a guess that someone has already posted.

Now – for the fun part! The prize!

Whoever gets it right will receive a yummy package of Israeli chocolate. And trust me, Israeli chocolate is amazing.

For my Israeli readers – have no fear! you can participate too! If you win, I’ll take you out for some chocolate cake!

So here are the stats along with all the down and dirty details:

My post- miscarriage betas were down to 4 on May 3rd. I’m assuming they zeroed out about 24 hours later.

On May 2nd, something that looked and felt like AF came, and stayed for 4 days, so I assume that’s when my uterus realized I was no longer preggo.

Positive OPK showed up on May 22nd. I usually ovulate around CD 18-20, and my cycles are between 28-30 days long. They have never been longer. Usually they’re 29 days on the dot. (or they have been since the first pregnancy last year).

BDing was done, but at 4DPO with protection. (yes, “you’re preggo” is a legitimate guess as well, though I assume it will put you at a lower chance of winning the prize).

OK all! Have at it! I will update this post with a winner as soon as the bitch shows up! (yes, I have ceased to play nice). Don’t worry, if you win, I’ll also email you, so you don’t have to keep checking this page.

Have fun!

A Letter to an Old Friend

31 May

Dear Aunt Flo,

I know that in most cases I’m not very nice to you. I sometimes cry when you show up, or I curse because of all the cramping and the bloating and stuff that you cause. I’m really truly very sorry about that. I promise that I’ll make an effort to be nicer to you in the future.

But listen – just this once, I really need you to put your bitterness aside and cut me a break. I just need you to show up a couple of days early. Just a couple of days before my little iphone app is predicting that you’ll come.

Because if you don’t, then I’ll have to wait with that HSG, and probably go through hell trying to reschedule it, and well, that would suck.

Look – I’m sure you’re gonna hurt like a mofo this month, because you always do after a miscarriage. Unfortunately I already know that.

But I forgive you in advance. I don’t care how much you hurt me, please just come to visit a couple of days early. I can take the abuse. I promise not to get mad if you get all heavy on me. I promise to feed you chocolate and burgers if you call for it. I promise only to go to yoga if you deem it appropriate. I promise only to use sanitary pads and let you flow freely and do your thing.

Just do me this one solid, OK? Just this once. Cut a girl some slack, will you? I mean, I’m only human.

Remember the good times. How I’ve stuck up for you in the past. I’ve even told my husband that he needs to learn to love you because you’re made up of the stuff that will eventually, hopefully hold his baby. So let’s hang on to those good times, ok? Say you miss me and come over early. Not by much. Just a day or two.

Thanks in advance!

Your Friend (really! I swear! Be mine too!),

Mo

My Response Letter to PETA

7 Apr

I’m in a crappy mood today. So I’m sure you can all guess how happy I was to receive what was obviously a form letter from PETA regarding the protest email I sent them yesterday. (For those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about – click here)

So, I won’t copy and past their stupid form letter here, but it was basically them telling me that it’s legitimate that men get vasectomies, that I should just adopt, oh – and they asked me to donate money to them! Lovely.

They signed it “the PETA staff”

Thanks guys. Real personable of you.

So – since I’m in complete and total hostile bitch mode today, I figured, what the hell – I may as well take out my hostilities on these assholes.

So before I reveal my – ehem – polite letter to them, let me suggest some choice viewing in the form of a rather scathing expose on PETA done by the show Penn & Teller: Bullshit a couple of years back. Check out part one here and the rest can be found on that sidebar.

Anyway – without further ado, my hormonal bitchy response:

Dear PETA Staff,

Thank you for the form letter, which I assume you have sent out to the hundreds if not thousands of angry women who have contacted you in the last 24 hours. I’m sure the copying and pasting is getting very tiring for your mouse hand.

Unfortunately, you are ignorant of the point we as a community are trying to make.

Give away as many vasectomies as you’d like.

Just don’t do it to “honor” Infertility awareness week.

I suggest that if you are so passionate about the issue of animal adoption, next time you want to create a buzz,  offer to help a childless couple adopt.

I would love to take in an abandoned and neglected child, and give them the love and the home they need.

That process however, costs about as much as it would to feed and clothe that child for about a decade, and alas, I don’t have access to those kinds of funds, and therefore hold on to hope that my currently unfriendly and barren uterus will eventually be able to hold on to a baby that I have created, so that I have an outlet for that love sometime before I rob a bank.

Countless  Infertile women spend their days in shame and darkness, and you making light of their medical condition doesn’t make things any better for them, and makes you look like ignorant bastards.

If you’re so concerned about the overpopulation of the planet, why don’t you mandate all of your pregnant employees to have abortions?

Because that’s about as sensitive and intelligent as your vasectomy campaign. And I’m sure all of your female employees will go right along with it because of their lofty ideals.

You people are a bunch of freaks. I don’t know why anybody supports you at this point. I hope you enjoy alienating some of the biggest animal lovers on the planet because of your sensationalism and ignorance.

Oh – and fuck you.

Sincerely,

Me

Ahh – I love the smell of flame emails in the morning (especially when I’m in raging hormonal bitch mode).

And the Winner Is…..!

25 Mar

Actually – yesterday’s poll was too close to call between Squish and Me0Me. How fun is it to have a tie between my girl BFF and my boy BFF?!? So guess what? You get both of them! Starting with my boy BFF! Me0Me – take it away!

Hi!

A clarification first: Mo and I have always signed our emails to each other ‘me’, and ‘me’ was unfortunately either too short or taken in wordpress when I came aboard the odyssey, so I stuck a 0 and added another me. Hence the weird nick.

Mo’s note: he jumped on board the comments before I could give him an appropriate fake name. Bad me!

Mo and I have known each other for 16 years now. We met as we were both in our slutty phases, as well as putting the best of our energies into The Rocky Horror Picture Show and into making friendships that would last a lifetime (more than you would believe). It’s safe to say that in some ways we know each other better than anyone else.

I’ve been on a self discovery journey of my own in the past few months, something that started around the time this blog went up, oddly – or predictably, seeing how Mo and I seem to share life transitions – enough, and the other night I saw a meeting of our roads in my head.

I was coming home on the subway, talking to a guy who’s singing with me in an opera, and he was really nice. This was after a rehearsal for “Carmen” during which another guy singer was also really nice to me. Now, this all probably seems very normal, but I don’t really have guy friends. In fact, other than one gay friend that I used to be involved with before we (actually!) became really good friends, I really don’t have relationships with men other than the one I’m married to (love you Bubi!). So after nice subway guy switches trains and I stay on I start pondering why this is and I realize – I’m a competitive S.O.B. I know this. I rarely show it to the people around me, but inside my head, either I’m the best at what I’m doing at any given moment, or I’m kind of a loser and I should really stop what I’m doing.

Being gay, I automatically have a handicap, if you will, on masculinity. I’m not culturally supposed to be as much of a man as a straight guy. Taking into account the vast chauvinistic roots in our culture that I believe are only slightly less rooted than the homophobic ones (remind me again, why is it that when a man is called/labeled anything feminine it’s funny/demeaning yet when a woman is called/labeled anything masculine it’s cool/elevating?) I will always be, on some cultural level, less than the straight man I’m interacting with.

And then I thought of Mo’s jealousy post, and suddenly it dawned on me. My masculine “handicap” is not unlike the feminine “handicap” that a woman dealing with IF/MC is dealing with internally. How can it not be difficult to face someone who is, because of simple existential facts, “better” than you for reasons you can’t control?

I had never directly confronted feelings of jealousy toward heterosexual men, but there it was, an inferiority complex just looking me in the face!

The good thing about all this is that it was hitting me because of the nice things that were happening that I wasn’t used to – in fact, that Monday evening’s rehearsal and subway ride serve as a kind of havaya metakenet for me. Seeing that I can talk to another guy without having to deal with sexuality, with singers’ competitiveness, with cultural inferiority. As one human being to another. Because we do each have our own journey.

We all go through and make our special life story. There are times at which it’s tough to disconnect ourselves, our selves, from the annoying, chauvinistic, judging lens on our inner all-seeing all-judging eye. But maybe, if we remember (and the big spaghetti monster in the sky knows that’s a whole journey by itself) that the cultural biases we’ve been raised with our only that – cultural biases, things we don’t wholly approve of – we have a better chance of enjoying the journey.

People on TV I Want to be Friends With

20 Mar
I’m in a bit of a silly, useless mood today (I’m actually listening to Bon Jovi out of some strange sense of nostalgia. This is a bad sign). Soooo I figured I was overdue for a silly useless post.
In case you don’t know (though it’s kind of hard not to notice) I’m a bit of a TV junkie. Since I work from home, I end up watching a LOT of stuff in the background while I’m doing other stuff.
But there are some shows, and some characters, and some people, who will always make me ignore whatever I’m working on in favor of fantasizing about our fictional friendship/romance/uncomfortable conversation/all of the above.
So, since I love me some lists, here’s one of people on TV I want to be friends with!
Fictional:
  1. Abed from “Community”
  2. Lorelai from “Gilmore Girls”
  3. Phoebe from “Friends”
  4. Pacey from “Dawson’s Creek” (I actually wanted to marry him at one point. Then I met shmerson. Oh, and before that, I realized that you can’t marry fictional characters).
  5. Chandler from “Friends” (see Pacey above)
  6. Hurley from “Lost”
  7. Liz Lemon from “30 Rock”
  8. Jim from “The Office” (see Pacey and Chandler)
  9. Lilly from “How I met your Mother”
  10. Barney from “How I Met your Mother” (I know he’s an ass – but I don’t care!)
  11. Leonard from “The Big Bang Theory”
  12. Cameron from Modern Family
  13. Miranda Bailey from Grey’s Anatomy
  14. Jack from Will and Grace
  15. Angel from “Angel” and “Buffy”
  16. Willow from “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” (look at that! Alyson Hannigan made it on here twice! Good for her!)
  17. Xander from “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” (see Chandler, Pacey, and Jim, above)
  18. Fred from “Angel”
  19. Lorne from “Angel”
  20. Wilson from”House”
  21. Chuck from “Chuck” (see Xander, Chandler, Pacey, and Jim above)
  22. Seth Cohen from “The O.C.” (see Chuck,  Xander, Chandler, Pacey… well you get the point. I like geeks. I married one. Duh)
  23. Veronica from “Veronica Mars”
  24. Mercedes from “Glee”
  25. J.D. from “Scrubs”

I could probably go on and on. But 25 seems like a nice round number, no?

Real People (this means people who go on TV as themselves, not actors playing characters):

  1. Jon Stewart (Also wanted to marry him at some point. Then found out he was spoken for. Major heartbreak ensued).
  2. Stephen Colbert
  3. Rachel Maddow
  4. John Oliver
  5. Ricky Gervais
  6. Bill Maher
  7. Joel McHale
  8. Conan Obrien
  9. Oprah – because who wouldn’t want to be friends with her?
  10. Boston Rob
  11. Gordon Ramsay (yes I know he’s an ass. But did you see how the man COOKS?)
  12. Alton Brown (he is my cooking guru forever and always)
  13. Dr. Drew (yes, he is smug. But I know he will most likely come in handy in the future. In fact, he would probably come in handy now, too.)
  14. Jeff Probst
  15. Jimmy Fallon (see Jon Stewart, only I got married first)
  16. Seth Meyers (see Jimmy Fallon)

I’m not adding actors here because really, this post is too long already, and that could go on for a while, and I think Shmerson’s head would explode with the sheer amount of lewd comments I would make (I’m talking to you – Johnny Depp, Joseph Gordon Levitt, and Paul Rudd! Consider yourselves warned! Yum.).

Ok – I believe this is my cue to turn off the Bon Jovi and go to bed.

Or at least turn off the Bon Jovi. Reminder: I am no longer 13 years old.

 

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