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Tag Archives: POAS

Why Sticky Beans and Baby Dust are Stoopid

11 Oct

I’ve been meaning to rant about this for a while. I seriously don’t get the whole “sticky bean baby dust” thing.

First – let’s talk about the “sticky bean” issue. In the world of ectopics, not all beans should be sticky. In fact, a “sticky bean” in a tube means you get your tube removed. Plus – those early stage babies aren’t exactly bean-shaped, really. So why did they choose the word “bean” of all things? It could be a raspberry. Or a peanut. Or a lentil. Plus, what the hell is the deal with comparing babies to food? “My baby is the size of an orange! My baby is the size of a strawberry!”. Babies are not edible, people. Comparing them to fruit isn’t “cute”. It’s creepy.

And speaking of creepy – how creepy is the phrase “baby dust?” Seriously – think about it. Dust made of babies. That’s just morbid. Plus, doesn’t dust make things less sticky? ¬†So it kind of goes against the whole baby dust thing.. I get that it’s a play on “fairy dust” and all that, but once you analyze it, it really is pretty gross.

So please don’t wish me any of those things when I tell you the following news:

Yesterday, I saw a dip in my temps, so I peed on a VW and got a really faint line. So faint, we had to squint to see it. As Shmerson said it was definitely a BFP – a Blurry, Faint Possibility.

Today, at 9DPO, the line was clear as day.

I am officially knocked up.

And the little one is smart. It decided to show itself on the day we officially got the keys and started the renovation on our new place.

I’m cautiously optimistic.

No betas until Sunday because of the holidays over here. But I’m hoping that this early positive, along with the early ovulation, along with the no bleeding and a shit-ton of early symptoms is a good sign. None of the ectopics were like this.

*fingers crossed*

Please stay with me guys – I need you now more than ever.

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I Didn’t Pee!

10 Oct

Yep – I didn’t do it. Not even on a popsicle stick, as was suggested in the comments a couple of posts back. ūüôā

7 DPO and I didn’t pee. Yay!!

Now, the question is – will I pee tomorrow?

Here’s the thing: I’ve been nauseous all day, and experiencing some major stabby pains up in my lady parts. I’m seriously hoping it’s a little one burrowing in where it’s supposed to. I’ve been feeling like crap all day, and I seriously think that apart from “the feeling” it’s the beginning of a pregnancy. So yeah – I’m tempted as hell to pee like there’s no tomorrow. But I don’t have any Rolls Royces ¬†FRERs, and I know that I have some on the way courtesy of the lovely and amazing JM.

So yeah, I think I may hold off until they get here.

Let’s just hope they get here soon! No point in peeing on a VW bug when you can pee on a Rolls Royce, right?

But I’ll make one thing clear: If I see an implantation dip on my BBT chart tomorrow I’m totally going for it!

We shall see.

It Ain’t Over ‘Til the Red Lady Sings (only sometimes it’s not over then either)

17 Sep

So, of course I couldn’t hold back any longer. I used my second (and only remaining) Rolls Royce FRER this morning (I blame peer pressure! And JM! And Marie! But mostly my lack of will power when it comes to pee sticks). It was a BFN, and a couple of hours ago I started spotting. It’s all over, right?

Wrong. Allow me to share with you how ectopics can mess with a girl’s head:

Aunt Flo is about a day early, at least according to my 100 or so iPhone tracking apps (Ok, I only have two. But still).

So any of you guys remember what happened the last time the biyatch was early? No? Well, let me refresh your memory: It turned out to be implantation bleeding. And I was preggo without knowing it. And it was ectopic.

So yeah, looks like Niagara Falls coming out of my cootch is not enough to convince me that I am not knocked up.

***Note to Self: Book idea. Memoir. “Me and My Cootch, My Cootch and I – Tales of a Crazy Infertile” It could be a bestseller, don’t you think?

Ehem. Sorry. Anyway, if I’m not knocked up, that’s fine. Really. Things are so crazy with the new apartment it’s probably for the best. Plus, each time we’ve managed a knock-up on the first month of trying it’s ended badly. And implantation this late in the cycle has also always ended badly. Different is definitely good in this case.

So yeah, no tears or anything. My new sense of zen is proving itself (as are the new happy pills. Yay drugs!).

But the paranoia is there for sure. One day early = false negative until proven otherwise.

So yes, I will be peeing on a stick one last time tomorrow morning, just to be sure.

Better safe than sorry I say.

(Now I just need to figure out how to get a hold of more FRERs for next month. Quite the conundrum. If I were a drug addict, these things would be like – premium grade heroine or something. How can you go back to crack after that? And how inappropriate is this metaphor? I believe I have hit a new metaphor low.)

Have a fabulous weekend everyone!

Bullets and Bunnies: The Rolls Royce of Pee-Sticks, and Our New Apartment

14 Sep

I figured this was a better title than “thought vomit”, since I end up using bullet points and posting cute bunnies anyway. May as well be clear about it, in the alliterative sense… ūüôā

  • We got the results from our Karyotyping tests today. I’m relieved and happy to tell you all that both Shmerson and I are A-OK. All chromosomes are where they should be. One more thing to cross of the list of worries.
  • I’m exhausted! We finalized the deal on our old apartment last Thursday, and ever since we’ve been running around applying for mortgages, ordering renovations, picking out wood panel floors, and comparison shopping furniture. The decorating part is awesome, but everything else is a headache and a half. I haven’t had a chance to breathe, and barely a chance to sleep. I can’t wait until mid-october when we finally get to enjoy the fruits of all of this (and our new compounded interest debt. Though we won’t actually enjoy that, but I guess it comes with the territory. Ahh well). Also – I’m sorry I haven’t been able to reply to comments or catch up on your blogs! I promise I’ll be back in the land of the living soon. Or at least in time for Group Therapy Thursday¬†so keep those questions coming! ūüôā
  • My FRER’s came in the mail (finally!) last night. That’s First Response Early Result for you non-pee-stick-freak people. I swear, these things are the Rolls Royce of Pee Sticks. Of course I used one this morning (9DPO) and it was a BFN. The thing is, these pee sticks are so awesome I didn’t even care. Seriously. I have never seen a cleaner single line in my life. Today while furniture shopping, I spent a good 15 minutes praising their virtue to my (very confused) mom. She only looked at me funny, like, twice. Maybe three times. I don’t care. I love these things! No wonder they’re so expensive! I just wish they sold them here. In my stupidity, I only bought a two-pack, and I don’t want to waste the second one. It’s so pretty, I can’t bring myself to pee on it. That’s weird. I know. But here’s the bright side: I’m holding off on peeing until 12 DPO because of it. If AF doesn’t show up, then I’ll use it. If the bitch rears her ugly head, then I have another pretty little FRER for next month. I know all of this is weird. I don’t care. Spend enough time peeing on sticks and you’ll become a¬†connoisseur, as ¬†apparently I’ve now become. Next I’ll be examining them for fruity undertones and viscosity or something. I don’t care. These pee sticks are so awesome, they made the BFN less painful. Or maybe it’s just because I know it’s early, and I’m generally doing better with things. But still. FRERs. They are sooooo worth the money.
  • At the home improvement store today, I found glittery purple paint for kid’s rooms. I squeed like a 5 year old. I seriously want a girl (if a pregnancy ever manages to stick) just so I can cover her room with sparkly purple paint, faeries, and butterflies. Gender stereotypes be damned! I’d do my own bedroom that way- you know-if I wasn’t almost thirty one and married to a guy. Darn age and stuff. I wants me some sparkly purple!
  • Overall, I’m doing good but I’m fried. All of this budgeting and logistics is not my thing. I’m so glad I chose a career in the arts. I seriously don’t know how all those lawyers, bankers, accountants, etc. do it.
  • That’s all for today! But of course, I won’t let you guys go without a bunny. I keep my promises goshdarnit! So here ya go:

Wherein I Do My Impression of David Caruso’s Career

11 Sep

If you don’t get the reference in the title, please click here. (Really? Pilot episode of South Park? And you haven’t seen it? For shame.)

Or in other words:

IT’S MY TURN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(I’ll skip the taking a nosedive part for now. Hopefully that won’t happen. We’ll know more at around 9DPO.)

Ok. So I’m 7 DPO and I haven’t peed yet. As you probably know, this is a huge accomplishment. And I’m waiting until 9DPO. Honestly, I would tomorrow but my FRER’s, which I’ve been so curious to try, will only be arriving tomorrow evening so circumstance forces me to wait. Which is a good thing, I think. Probably.

I’ve been pretty good this TWW. I don’t think I had “the feeling” this time (but considering past experience, that’s probably a good thing), but my score on the scavenger hunt is pretty high. My boobs are sore, I’m feeling nauseous, and I almost puked today when my students had lunch because of the smell.

But it could be that I’m just feeling under the weather. We’ll see what happens in a couple of days. Not going too crazy in the meantime. Kind of.

Ok, I kind of am, but I don’t have much time to go crazy. Things have been nuts! I’m back to teaching, and we finally closed the sale of our current place on Thursday. Now we’re running around applying for mortgages, and I’m jumping head-first into renovations of the new place.

Heady-explode-y.

Heady explode-y helps with the TWW crazies for sure. But still:

Sorry that was gross. But I kind of feel like that guy right now. Ahh well.

But I’m rambling and getting off topic. (Surprising, I know.) Focus… Focus…

David Caruso.

No no. Quoting an episode of South Park making fun of David Caruso. Right. That’s where I was. I was at “It’s my turn!”

Saturday was my nephew’s 7th birthday party. I’d been dreading it. Every year, we go to this party, and see the same people. Last year, we were post-miscarriage #1, and just about to enter miscarriage #2 (though I didn’t know it at the time). Every child there made my uterus hurt. ¬†Made me want to cry.

This time, it was even harder. My brother is divorced, so I only really see my ex-SIL and her family at these birthday parties. My ex-SIL’s sister gave birth three months ago. She was married two months after Shmerson and I. She gave my nephew his first cousin. That stung. It stung even more to see her there with the baby.

But that wasn’t really the worst of it. I mostly stayed out of the fray, sitting on the side playing “Fruit Ninja” on my iPhone and detaching myself from the situation, because it was the best way I could come up with to deal. Still, my ex-SIL, her parents, and her sister were obviously aware of our current situation. They gave me the sideways, pity-look “how are you?” When they saw me. I shrugged it off. I joked.

Then her mother and my mom had this sort of grandmompetition, where my mom was congratulating her on becoming a grandma for the second time, and she was giving my mom all of these “oh! this and this couple just went through IVF!” BS lines. I knew my mom wasn’t enjoying the party. Because she knew I wasn’t enjoying the party and had no interest in IVF stories, thankyouverymuch.

But the worst of it came at the end. My ex-SIL’s sister came over to say goodbye. I once again congratulated her (hopefully genuinely) on her little boy. Then, she tilted her head once again, and said the two words I hate most in the Hebrew Language: Bekarov Etzlech.

This isn’t an easy phrase to translate. Kind of like “havaya metakenet“, this pair of words has a whole undertone of meaning. Literally, it means “you’re next.”

Culturally, it’s a world’s worth of pressure on your back.

For example: Your older brother is getting married. People come up to him and say “Mazel Tov”. They come up to you and say “Bekarov Etzlech”. And at the age of 24, and very much single, you feel depressed and have a few too many vodka-spiked lemonades as a result. (This didn’t really happen. Ok. It really did. I got smashed at my brother’s wedding. Sue me).

This pair of words is even worse for an IFer or an RPLer. Literally you can say they mean “this will be you soon.” Bekarov meaning “soon” and etzlech meaning “with you”. It’s the “soon” part that’s the problem with me.

So I go say goodbye to my former SIL and her new baby, I tell her mazal tov, and she answers “Bekarov Etzlech.” I immediately give her the “Infertile stare of death” and she realizes just how wrong it was for her to say those two words to me. She didn’t mean it in a bad way, nobody does. I’ve found myself saying it to people sometimes too. It’s a saying with good intentions. But man, does it hurt in this context. I just wanted to tell her:

“Soon? Really? Because we’ve been at this for 15 months now, and three miscarriages in, I’m not so sure about the soon part. So please go take your baby and be all happy and leave me alone. I want to play Fruit Ninja and detach emotionally from the situation. Kthnxbye.”

It’s my turn. In two weeks I’ll be turning 31. On my 30th birthday I was pregnant with what would turn out to be my first ectopic. I want to be pregnant on my 31st birthday. And I want it to stick. So that in about 9 months, I can blissfully look at the people coming to congratulate us on our new baby and tell them, with a smug look on my face: “Bekarov Etzlech”. It’s. My. Turn.

Or maybe it isn’t. Maybe I won’t be knocked up this month. Or worse, maybe I will be knocked up but it will be another ectopic. Wouldn’t that be fun?

Urgh. Two more sleeps and I get to pee on some sticks and see where this 31st birthday will take me.

PS – Group Therapy Thursday was a raging success in my opinion! Can’t wait for the next one! Send those questions in!

Happy Pills, Pee Sticks, Babies, Crazies and General Randomness

26 Jul

So – I am absolutely exhausted, but I figured it was time for an update. So pardon me for the bullet points, but this is all a random jumble.

  • I resisted POAS the last couple of days (thanks for everybody’s feedback, BTW!). Today I saw the coveted EWCM so I ended up doing it, just because it’s only CD 14 and I haven’t O’d this early since I started tracking. It was positive, but one of those half dark lines, so I’m not completely sure where that falls. Even if it counts as negative, it means I’m close. Which makes me really happy. First, because I have no idea what side I’m popping from which will make resisting baby making much easier, and second, I think the progesterone, as torturous as it was, did some good stuff for my cycle. We’ll see on what CD the red lady shows up. I’m curious.
  • Dr. Happy Pills changed around my dosage last week, and that’s doing good things as well. He added Ati.van to the mix, and upped my zo.loft. It makes me hella tired, which is good, because I’m actually going to bed before 4am most nights. Downside: I don’t get to skype as much with my ET/PT time friends (sorry Marie!). Upside: I’m actually conscious before noon most days, and functioning waaaay better.
  • My house has become a train station. Ever since we advertised the place as being for sale, my phone has been ringing off the hook and we have people here all hours of the day. I would restrict it, but I want to get this place sold. The sooner we sell it, the sooner we’re in our new place. And I want to be in our new place. It’s time I get to some serious nesting action.
  • I’m suffering from a serious case of Harry Potter withdrawal. I had spent the last couple of weeks writing that series of columns¬†for keypulp, and now I’m in need of a fix. I’ll probably end up doing a review of the last film after all. As soon as I have time to breathe. Which I don’t right now.
  • I went to visit PM today and got to hold the little one for like half an hour as he slept. I think it was the most at peace I’ve felt in a very long time. I have a lot more to say about what I’m learning from her, but that’s for a longer, less rambly post. But in general, that kid is just so precious. I didn’t imagine I’d love him as much as I do. But I do. It’s not that I’m not a bit envious, because I am. But my awe and my love for PM and the kid completely overshadow that. I’m incredibly grateful. It’s teaching me a lot about this journey.
  • I’m looking for a full time job, outside of the house, because this whole work at home thing does not do good things for my psyche. So far, no luck, because there are very few content-driven companies in my city and I don’t want to commute. The funny thing is that the more I look for full time work, the more freelance jobs fall in my lap, plus a possible opportunity to actually get a feature film made just fell from the sky last week (I won’t talk about it more now – it’s still too early and the status of the project is up in the air, so I don’t want to jinx it). The Flying Spaghetti Monster has decided to lob meatballs at me or something. Things are WEIRD.
  • The thing is, this is the busiest I’ve been in MONTHS. As crazy as things are, I’m loving every minute, and it makes for a great distraction. I only find myself getting a case of the baby-crazies about once a day, which is NOTHING compared to a few weeks ago. There’s apparently something to this busy thing. I think I’m gonna keep going at it. Having a life – it’s not just for fertiles anymore!
  • Shmerson and I went in for karyotyping today. It will take a couple of months before we actually get results, but I’m happy we have one more test under our belt.
That’s about it. I’m going to bed, because I have yet another train station day tomorrow. Wed. is our lap consult, so I’ll update you guys with news on that. In the meantime, fare thee well. I am, to quote Shmerson: collapsedizing.

To Pee or Not to Pee, That is the Question

23 Jul

So as most of you know, we’re taking some time off of TTC until we get Ole’ Righty sorted out. Wed. is our consult with the Doc that Twofer recommended, and we’ll see whether we’re going straight to a lap, or do some things on the way.

Scary Funny anecdote: In his referral letter, Twofer accidentally wrote that my LEFT tube is partially blocked. Luckily I have the HSG films to prove otherwise, but I believe this little mix-up will force me to draw an arrow on my stomach with a magic marker pointing out the correct tube when the time comes. Gotta love paranoia.

But now I face an even bigger dilemma. Tomorrow I’ll be going to a pharmacy to pick up my monthly dose of extra strength vitamin D. I know that I will, like every pharmacy visit before it, stand in front of the OPK’s for several minutes, debating on whether to purchase a kit or not.

We’re not trying this month for sure. But I’m concerned because I ovulated so late in my last cycle (CD 22), and kind of feel like maybe I should keep track of things, just so I have all of the information. Plus, you know, I pee because I love.

So – what do you think? To pee or not to pee?

Here are a couple of cute bunnies to keep you company while you think about it:

 

I Dream of Pee Sticks

7 Jul

I think the only part I really like about the TWW is the pee sticks. I know they’re a money pit, but I find them strangely addictive. Especially when I get a second line. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I love it when my pee is magic! I mean, I’m only 9 DPO, and the chances of me getting that elusive second line even if Little Lefty made it are slim to none. Still I pee. I pee because I love.

Since 6DPO, when I first broke down and pulled out the HPT’s, I’ve been having some strange sleeping patterns, and some even stranger dreams. I’m attributing them to those lovely Progesterone Suppositories. Here’s what my mornings look like:

8am – wake up – look at the clock, see it’s way too early since I’d been up writing until 3am. I need to pee, but I hold off, knowing that I want as full a bladder as possible for the HPT. I grab a progesterone pill, stick it up my hoo-ha, and go back to sleep.

Then I dream about pee sticks. Seriously. This has happened every morning since I started testing.

Dream day one: For some reason, all I remember is that the HPT looked like a panty liner, and that the second elusive line appeared, and then disappeared.

Dream day two: Same as day one, weirdly enough.

Dream day three: HPT still looks like a panty liner. This time the second line sticks. Needless to say that when I woke up, I was utterly disappointed when I finally emptied my bladder on a pee stick and got yet another BFN.

Dream day four: Well, this one was interesting. The HPT actually looked like an HPT. I pee on the stick, but it’s not working. Somebody tells me I need to run the stick under a stream of water to make the test work. I do, and I get a BFP. For some reason I’m skeptical, though I know the water can’t be pregnant.

Once again, I wake up from this dream, hopeful that I have me some mad psychic skillz. Alas, I am shot down with another BFN.

Look, I’m pretty sure this cycle is a bust. I go in tomorrow morning for a Beta at 10 DPO, and if it’s still negative I’ll probably go again on Sunday just to be sure before I stop the progesterone. But I didn’t get the “feeling” this month, so I’m pretty sure I’m getting the blood drawn for nothing. Still, I want to be sure before I give AF the green light to grace me with her presence. And also, each time I’ve had the “feeling” it’s ended in miscarriage – so maybe I don’t really want those mad psychic skillz after all. Watch this space, I’ll keep you posted about the results!

And yes, in the meantime I will continue with the pee sticks. What can I say? It’s a passion of mine, and I fully intend to continue to pursue it!

Oh – and before I go, a shameless plug: have you seen my ongoing series on the harry potter films over on keypulp? You haven’t? Well, you should go check the first one out! The second should be up a bit later today, and I’ll be publishing one a day until the 8th movie is released next week. They are proof positive that I can be snarky about things other than my tubes for a change! Yay snark and Harry Potter geekdom!

Of Course I Did

4 Jul

Yep. I’m 7 DPO and I’ve already used up 2 of my pee sticks. Both BFN’s, of course. I mean, seriously, what am I thinking? I think the thing is I’ve always had BFP’s at around 10-11 DPO, but the only times I’ve tracked have been ectopics. So maybe it’s just wishful thinking, that if I’m knocked up and it’s a proper pregnancy, I’ll know sooner. Ahh well. Three more pee-stick mornings followed by a Beta blood test on Thursday, and then we’ll know for sure.

We interrupt this blog post for a message from our sponsor:

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Warning: progesterone suppositories do not in any way guarantee a pregnancy, nor do they guarantee carrying a baby to term. Sanity not included. 

Ehem. Right. Where was I?

Thanks to everyone for the reassuring comments on my last post. Good to know I’m not alone in the cramping department. I just hope some of them are implantation cramps. I want a BFP so badly this month. Just so if I have another loss I can get it over with already. Does that make any sense?

I know I’m being paranoid. I guess it’s because my “answers” aren’t really clear cut. I mean, there’s no proof that the second pregnancy was ectopic, so of course I’m still paranoid that I have a yet-undiagnosed condition and we have a long road still ahead. I guess we’ll know soon enough…

Not much else to report really, except that tomorrow Shmerson will be coming home! Finally! I’ll be spending the day being the happy housewife, finishing up the cleaning, and planning something yummy for dinner. Fun and happy times all around, 50’s style!

Hope all of you US-Americans had a happy 4th!

My Shmerson is the Bestest!

26 Jun

Quick one today because I’m exhausted!

So – Shmerson is still away at reserve duty. And here’s the kicker – tomorrow I was supposed to go in and make the deposit and sign the contract on the apartment we are going to buy. Alone. ūüė¶

I had a crappy stressful day today (I won’t go into detail now – too exhausted) and then to top things off – I got a + OPK this afternoon.

I literally broke down. As if it wasn’t bad enough that Shmerson couldn’t be there with me tomorrow morning, there’s no way that even his krypton-born swimmers would survive 5 days. So I knew that this cycle was a complete bust.

I called Shmerson up BAWLING. He managed to calm me down, a little, but not much.

Then 5 minutes after I hung up with him he called me back – he told his commander the situation and… Drumroll…

He’s coming home tomorrow at precisely 8am for about 5 hours – we will sign the contract and make the deposit TOGETHER and hopefully lil lefty will hang on just a little before she pops and we may get a chance this cycle after all!

Making a baby right after putting a deposit down on our new home – wouldn’t that be just perfect?

Cross your fingers guys! Let’s all send restraining energies to little lefty! You’re already a couple of days late. You already waited till CD 20. Please just hang on till CD 21 ok? Be a good little eggie. I promise you’ll get enough progesterone courtesy of the lovely little pills waiting in the bathroom cupboard. So take your time, k?

(wow that was just a bit too cutesy. sorry about that)

Everybody! Think restraint! Hang on there little one!

Isn’t my husband the bestest husband ever?

PS – once the contract is signed and the deposit is made I promise I will give more details on the place. For now, the atheist continues to be superstitious and I don’t want to jinx it!

The List

24 Jun

Well, Shmerson came home for a blissful 10 hours. Oatmeal chocolate chip cookies were baked, shrimp and spinach basil Gnocchi was cooked, a couple of “deposits” were made happily, much cuddling was had, and now he’s gone for almost two weeks.

After the second “deposit” Shmerson and I gave my eggs and his swimmers a nice little talking to. We explained to his guys that they have to swim to the left, and they have to hang out for a while. We explained to little lefty that she needs to pop soon, and go down Ole’ Lefty to meet the swimmers. Hopefully they were listening.

I’m up against two torturous weeks now. I know saying the word “torturous” may be a bit melodramatic, but so be it. I HATE it when Shmerson’s away. I have a really hard time caring for myself when he’s not around – something that I know I need to change. I think if anything, that’s going to be my mission for these next two weeks, ignore the fact that I’m on my TWW and concentrate on things like actually cooking myself meals, meeting friends, cleaning the house, and getting some work done.

I went to Dr. Happy Pills today and he upped my zoloft dosage, because it’s been evident that right now it’s not completely doing the trick. Hopefully that will help me in this endeavor.

For now – I’m obsessively using OPK’s, hoping that Shmerson’s little guys survive until my follie decides to pop, and everything goes smoothly. Most of my regular readers know I like to make lists, so I’ve decided to share with you my list of things that need to go right for us to actually come out with a baby from this month. I’ve italicized milestones that we’ve never reached before for easy understanding, and because I’m cool and organized like that. Now – on to the list! Yay lists!

  1. Shmerson’s super swimmers need to survive until my follie pops.
  2. This means that my follie better pop in the next 24-48 hours.
  3. Little Lefty needs to go down Ole’ Lefty, and meet the swimmers, to create an actual embryo.
  4. Embryo needs to nestle in properly, in the uterus.
  5. Betas need to double properly.
  6. We need to see a heartbeat.
  7. We need to make it past 8 weeks.
  8. We need to make it to the second trimester
  9. We need the scans to show a healthy baby.
  10. We need the baby to hang out in my uterus hopefully for a full nine months. 
  11. The baby needs to come out healthy and whole. 
  12. I need to stay healthy and whole. 
I know there are plenty of other milestones on the way that I’ve missed. Right now I’m hoping we make it to number 4. Then I’ll hope to make it to 5. If we’re lucky, we’ll hit six and seven. Hopefully from there I’ll be able to breathe just a little bit.
I realized the other day that I’ve been pregnant 3 times, and I’ve never once seen a heartbeat. I hope I get to someday, and hopefully someday soon.
Sometimes I close my eyes and fantasize about what will happen when I finally go into labor one day. I imagine the nurse asking me which pregnancy this is for me. I’ll answer it’s the fourth. She’ll smile and tell me that I must be an old pro. I’ll tell her it’s my first child and make her squirm. For some reason I’ve been liking the idea of making others squirm lately. Don’t know why. I just hope that it really will be the fourth, and we won’t have to say 5th, 6th, 7th, and so on. I don’t know how much more strength I have for this.
But for right now all I can do is convince myself that Nachos for both lunch and dinner are not a healthy nutritional decision, and that staring at the second line on the OPK won’t magically make it darker.
That, at least, would be progress.

My Body Likes Me Again!

18 Apr

I owe Kristin a longer post and a huge thank you, but I’m exhausted, and I had to shout this from the rooftops.

I got a positive OPK. On CD 13. That means I ovulate on CD 14. For the first time ever my body is acting by the book.

This is huge!

In honor of the next 24 hours, I would like to share a song:

I’m definitely NOT catholic. You all know I’m a heathen. But still – can I get a w00t w00t?!?!?

Thank you Monty Python, for your words of wisdom!

Not Knocked Up – And Happy About It

5 Apr

Ok – so the red lady has yet to sing, but she’s due tomorrow and I got yet another BFN today. I know I’m out this cycle.

And guess what? I’m happy about it!

“Happy?” you ask. “How can you be happy about a BFN?”

Here’s the thing. I’m a bit mad that I’m not as clairvoyant as I thought. But on the other hand, I’ve been walking around during this TWW with a huge sense of unease. I was having a hard time pinpointing why, but I had this general feeling that Dr. Blunt wasn’t taking me seriously. Now, don’t get me wrong, I like the guy, but I think he, like most doctors over here, is set up so that he only gets serious after 3 miscarriages.

Both me – and Shmerson it turns out – have been walking around these last two weeks waiting for a BFP, and also for the inevitable Miscarriage that we were both sure would follow.

Then last night, I ran across this post via LFCA. This woman has been through multiple miscarriages, and she basically wrote up a survivor’s guide. Most of what she said was not news to me, but one message came across loud and clear: why go through more heartache waiting for another loss? Insist on all the tests NOW!

It struck a chord with me. So I let that message stew in my head for a bit. Then this morning I remembered something, and smacked myself upside the head. How did I not think of this sooner?

Three years ago, just as Shmerson and I were starting our relationship, someone recommended that I go see a doctor who is not only an OB/GYN, but also an Endocrinologist (he’s the only one in the country who is both, which means he’s an expert in women just like me). I went to him back then, and without even reading my medical history he knew immediately that I had PCOS and could predict half my history just by looking at me.

At the time, there was not much he could do. But he said: When you want to have babies, come back and we’ll see what we can do.

I left there feeling like this guy knew his shit.

Now, mind you, Dr. Twofer (yes, that is what I’ve decided to call him), does not work with the universal health care system here and is a bit pricey.

But this morning I remembered him, and I said to myself – what’s more important? The money, or the knowledge that you’ve truly done everything you can?

So I talked to Shmerson, and my mom, and with the promise that my parents will help us cover some of the cost, I have set up an appointment for me and Shmerson this coming Sunday evening.

I can’t believe I’m about to say this:

I am so incredibly happy to have a BFN. I get to insist on getting some answers. i don’t need to have another two week wait feeling helpless. If there’s something that can be done, this man will help us do it. If there has been a stone left unturned, we will now insist on looking under it.

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I think the universe likes me. Thanks Universe!

***UPDATE: 2 hours after posting this I started spotting. It’s over, the red lady has sung, and I am relieved. How weird is that?

April 4th: BF…. N.

4 Apr

So – my pee is not magic. At least not yet.

To be honest, I don’t think it’s gonna be.

I woke up early this morning feeling pukey for no good reason. I POAS and got the negative. I probably got an upset stomach on set yesterday or something.

Later in the morning, I had to go in to get some blood tests done, and I tried to persuade the lab tech to give me a Beta workup, but alas, stupid universal healthcare doesn’t allow you to randomly ask lab techs for blood tests without a doctor’s referral. Who’d have thunk it?

Anywho, I am still gonna POAS tomorrow, but I don’t have my hopes up at this point. Looks like it’s another month for us.

Here’s the thing, if that is the case, I’m actually pretty fine with it. You know what does annoy me though? The fact that I am not as clairvoyant as I thought.

I really thought I was connected to my body. I really believed in that “feeling”. If I’m wrong, well, that’s what really sucks.

Urgh.

Big Fat Not Yet You Idiot

2 Apr

So – I broke down and POAS this morning. It was with Shmerson’s blessing (under the condition that if I get a BFN I wait until the 4th), and with a test that said it could detect as early as 10 DPO, which is where I’m at right now.

Surprise surprise – it was a BFN. I’m not disappointed, because I kind of figured it would be. I just needed to feed the raging control freak monster within that can’t have a smoke so needs to pee on sticks.

So now it’s a matter of waiting until the 4th.

I’m still taking part in the scavenger hunt, and today, I nearly had a seizure when I wiped and found a bit of brown spotting. So I have not yet given up hope. But I’m trying to not get my hopes up either, because I’m on the losing end in terms of most of the symptoms.

I’ve been contemplating how I will react in case this potentially false negative becomes an actual negative.

In all honesty – I have no clue. I assume I will be incredibly depressed. Because of this, and since we’re all about thinking ahead in this TWW – I’ve decided to make up a list of the upside if I get a BFN this month. This way, if and when aunt flo shows up, I can look at this list and hopefully realize there are some good things.

  1. Another month of fun sexy-time with Shmerson.
  2. It will give me a chance to make an appt. with my gyno and express my concerns about progesterone only after a BFP – and address some of the quiet fears that have been sneaking up on me during this last month.
  3. It means that we will not have a baby in December – meaning that the kid won’t have to deal with being the youngest/oldest in his/her class.
  4. I can go get my hair done next week before a wedding, without fear of inhaling hair dye chemicals.
  5. It gives me and Shmerson at least one more month to plan out our living situation.
  6. It gives me at least one more month to stabilize my career.

Ok – since I don’t drink and I’ve cut down my caffeine permanently – these are the only things I’ve really been able to come up with. Have any additions? Comment away!

Effin TWW

27 Mar

I know I’ve been a bit absent over the last couple of days. Part of it was because I was genuinely busy, but the other part was about me retreating into myself for a bit and getting all OCD on my own ass (see yesterday’s post as the tip of the iceberg).

I seriously don’t know how you ladies manage it. Elphie, Court – every one of my readers who was/is TTC for months – I admire your strength. I don’t know how I’d be able to handle it. I’m seriously going batshit crazy. I spend all day doing the math in my head. Did it happen? How long ago? When the hell can I POAS already? I was talking about it with one of my Teaching Assistants today and she said – don’t worry – you only have a week to go. I smiled, nodded, and like, half an hour later I said – wait – what’s the date today? I don’t have a week! Yes. I was dwelling on the conversation for that long. I truly feel lucky for having it so easy thus far when it comes to sperm meeting egg. I don’t know if I could handle months of this feeling. Hats off to you guys, seriously.

BTW – Shmerson and I took heed of all of your comments yesterday. I gave Shmerson all of the HPTs in the house, and he will hide them until April 4th, AKA 10 DPO, two days before AF is due.

I’ve been taking in all of your warnings about being disappointed by a false BFN. But don’t worry, knowing me and my history, I will continue to POAS every morning until AF shows up or until I get a BFP. Disappointment will only come in the form of the red lady. She’s the only BFN I find reliable.

Because I think for me it’s not about the BFP.

It’s about getting the BFP over with already.

I know some of you ladies probably hate me for saying this. I’ve been looking at it from every which way – and I think that’s what it comes down to.

I want to be in the second trimester. NOW. The past few days I’ve been closing my eyes, imagining the worst-case scenario – another loss. Imagining how I would handle it. Knowing the support system I have in place, knowing everything I know now.

I would still break. I know I would break. And it would take me quite a while to put myself back together again.

So I keep thinking to myself, if I’m gonna have another loss, I want to get it over with. Like pulling off a band aid, or jumping into a freezing pool. I want to know. I want to control it.

I don’t know what I want.

Wait – I do. I want it to be April 4th.

Effin’ TWW.

Taking Bets: TTC Math

26 Mar

Days until AF is due: 11

DPO: no idea, because I’m not tracking – but my guess is 2

If fertilization happened, days until egg is implanted: 8-10 (also a guess-timation)

Days I want to wait until I POAS: 0

Days until I know I will try to talk myself into thinking I can POAS with proper results (even though they probably won’t be proper): 7

Days I should actually wait until I POAS: 12

Days I will probably wait until I POAS if I can stand it: 10

I’m officially taking bets: How long will I hold out?

Read it. Love it. Bookmark it.

12 Mar

I’ve kind of been at a loss as to what to write about today. I’m all over the place. Still jonesing for a smoke, (haven’t broken down though – so yay me!) and not really feeling eloquent.

Then I hopped on twitter and it hit me. It’s time I wax poetic about the most awesome site ever invented – peeonastick.com .

I finally joined twitter a couple of weeks ago (yeah, I know, welcome to the 21st century and all that good stuff). Since I joined, I have – in reply to several people’s hopeless pleas for help – tweeted the following:

@SomeOtherWomanWithTheBabyCrazies: I don’t know. But check out peeonastick.com. Read it. Love it. Bookmark it.

This has usually been in response to tweets such as: “check out this opk pic – can anyone tell me what this means?”

Or – “got a CLEAR second line on my hpt. WTF?”

And so on, and so forth.

My saga with this wonderful site started way before I joined this blogoverse. In those innocent days before my second miscarriage when I still thought I could control freak my problems away. I became obsessed with pee sticks. It was the one thing that gave me a sense of control after the first loss.

A completely misguided sense – but a sense of one nonetheless.

During this month of obsessive peeing and dipping – very early on in the month, I discovered this site, and in it, found my online soulmate.

The woman who put it together is even more obsessed with POAS than I am (was. trying to get over it). And this woman doesn’t even suffer from IF of any kind! She just – well – she likes peeing on stuff I guess.

She has done everything you possibly can do when it comes to HPTs and OPKs. She’s put them through the ringer.

Leaving your pee out for 24 hours to see if the HCG sticks around? Done.

Seeing if OPKs can work like HPTs? Done.

Seeing if it’s possible to RE-USE an HPT? Done.

Using BREAST MILK on pee sticks? Done.

Making a handy-dandy chart outlining what tests are good and which are notoriously bad? Done and done.

All of it with pictures, graphic descriptions, and very educational explanations. Especially for our reading/peeing pleasure.

If you have a question about a line on a pee stick – this woman’s site has the answer.

During my Pee stick obsession, I began to use OPK’s like tea leaves. Not just to predict ovulation – but to confirm pregnancy, make sure my hpts were not messed up and sometimes, well – sometimes I just used the opk’s to satisfy my endless need to control stuff.

Yeah – I think it’s a good thing I’ve decided to let those go this time around.

You know – I often wonder what it is about POAS that is so addictive?

Confession time: The first time I got a positive HPT I took an additional 5 tests. yes. that makes a total of 6 HPTs. All taken in the course of a few hours. By the third positive I believed the freakin test – but it’s like I couldn’t stop.

I found myself doing the same thing with positive OPKs. Once I got that second line I just wanted to make it magically appear again and again.

I think that’s the crux of my POAS addiction. That feeling of “look! I made a second line appear! My pee is magic!”

Yes – for me it’s not about timing the BD to get preggo. It’s not about CD 30, after two weeks of hell, hoping that a freaking stick will make me happy.

Nope. It’s about my all powerful magic pee making another line appear.

(Though to be honest – I’m sure a positive HPT is also a pretty big part of it. But still! Magic pee!)

So – I’ll say it again. Peeonastick.com Read it. Love it. Bookmark it.

I Think I’ve Decided Not to Decide

24 Feb

I visited the obgyn today. For those who forgot and those who don’t know, this is only the second time I’ve seen him. We moved shortly after my second M/C, so I had to find someone new.

He came highly recommended by my cousin, and I really liked him the first time I met him. So I’m gonna stick with him, and therefore, he needs a name. I’ve decided to call him Dr. Blunt. ¬†It was between that and Dr. Marshmallow (because he’s round and white haired and very sweet), but today set it in stone: He’s Dr Blunt.

Allow me to rewind. I’ve been in several conundrums over the last couple of weeks, or to put it in Englishing, I’ve been dilemma-ing about.

After your amazing comments and support on my last major conundrum post, I definitely let got of my guilt, and I want to share the TTC process with you guys.

But a few things have happened in the last few days that have kind of made things change around a bit.

First, was my appt. with the Harley Hottie on Monday. During our needle sticking session, I asked him when he thought would be a good time to start TTC again. He said a month, maybe two. But then he said: “or just don’t try and see what happens.”

Now – I know we all hate the “just relax and it’ll happen” line. It’s sucky. He was basically telling me that. So I wrote it off.

Last week, at Dr. Blood’s, he looked at my MTFHR results and said I don’t need to worry, that being a heterozygote is normal, and that docs that give meds for it are just over prescribing. It does no good, and has nothing to do with miscarrying early. If I was the other type (I think it’s called homozygote) then it would be a problem. Again, my answer was – screw that! I know better! I’m gonna insist on prescriptions! Yay control!

But then, today, I walked into Dr. Blunt’s office, having gone through all of the tests he ordered, armed with temps, too many visits to Dr. Go Ogle, and a bunch of demands. Yes, it was as if I was holding him hostage. “Check my luteal phase! Prescribe a mega-dose of folic acid and other anti-clotting meds! Give me an Ultra-sound! Wave a magic wand and miraculously make me have a healthy baby!” Not that demands really help in this case, because it’s not that I was holding his kids at gunpoint or anything. And even then, how would that help? Plus I would never do that even if it’s just metaphorically speaking (get back on topic, Mo, you’re rambling again!).

Aaaanyway….

After my list of demands, Dr. Blunt shut me down. He looked at me and said: “Do me a favor – I’m the doctor here, so why don’t you let me make the suggestions?”

I blushed. I felt so guilty. I apologized.

He said not to worry – that every woman in my situation comes in with the same list of demands.

I smiled, apologized again, and shut the hell up and let him talk.

And I asked: “so, what do we do?”

He said ¬†“Nothing”.

Control-Freaky alarm alert! What the hell is this guy talking about?

He holds up my medical file. And shows me what he wrote during my first visit, and what he wrote down today.

First visit (loosely translated): will most likely need progesterone supplements. Send for clotting tests to rule out other problems.

Second visit: No clotting issues found. Patient will need progesterone supplements.

I look at him skeptically: “What? No blood tests?”

He says – “There’s nothing here that would indicate anything but a lack of progesterone. Trust me. I mean, if you want – I can send you for a bunch of blood tests. I promise you they will show nothing else”.

*Danger! Danger!*

“But what about the whole heterozygote thing? Shouldn’t I be taking something for that?”

“A lot of doctors prescribe something for it. It’s a waste of medication. It’s just to calm the woman down. 40% of women are heterozygotes. It has nothing to do with miscarrying in the first trimester. But if you want, I can prescribe it, just to make you feel better. It probably won’t though.”

I KNOW this guy’s a great obgyn. My cousin had three high risk pregnancies that produced 3 healthy kids because of this guy.

I try to quiet the control freaky alarm bells.

“So what does this mean?”

“This means that you and your husband start trying whenever you want, and once you get that second line you call me immediately and we get you on progesterone, which will hopefully be all that’s needed to help you carry a baby to term”

“That’s all?”

“Yep”.

“Really?”

“Yep.”

Dumbfounded, I thank Dr. Blunt and walk out of his office.

I was expecting a barrage of tests. I was expecting several more weeks of uncertainty. I was expecting a long line of prescriptions. In short, I was doing what I always do – looking for drama where there isn’t any.

So I went back to what Dr. Blood and the Harley Hottie were saying.

They were saying what we all hate to hear. “Just calm down, it’ll happen.”

Now I know for most of you guys it’s not that easy. But like I’ve said here before, it’s obviously not the getting preggo that’s my problem. It’s the staying preggo.

So maybe, in my case, I should actually embrace that dreaded saying?

I kind of feel like I’m circling around my point here. Let me get down to the nitty gritty:

I’ve been making kind of a big deal about when we start to TTC. As in, I know that we’ll most likely get preggo quickly so I have to be ABSOLUTELY SURE before we try.

And that decision has been stressing me out. I’ve talked about it with shmerson. I’ve talked about it with my therapist. I’ve been going through every possible scenario in my head. If we start in march, then this and this will happen. If we start in april, then bla bla bla. Etc, etc.

The thing is that this “conception date” thing is only set in stone if I make sure it’s set in stone. If I continue monitoring my temps, if I continue to POAS, if I continue to count my cycle days.

So all of the sudden it hit me: “What if I decide not to decide?”

Which basically means – I quit two things: Smoking and tracking my cycle.

What if, once I quit smoking (March 7th people! Mark your calendars!), we lose the condoms, and just – have sex?

I don’t remember the last time Shmerson and I have just had sex, without thinking about timing, whether we need a condom, bla bla bla.

How great would it be for our relationship to just let that go? To just have sex for the sake of having sex, like most married couples do, and if that second line shows up, it shows up?

On one hand, it’s me avoiding making the decision.

On the other, well, it’s me avoiding the decision. Letting go of control. That’s major. It’s something i need to do.

It will be more challenging to me than, well, anything really. This means no pretending. No secret OPK’s, no TWW. Just – going with the flow and seeing what happens.

Of course, I’m assuming there will be some speculating on my part around when AF is supposed to come around. There will be phantom symptoms, there will be HPT’s taken.

But no official “TTC”. No sexy-time marathons during ovulation. No looking at the iphone app that tracks my cycle. Stopping my FF membership. Putting away the thermometer.

Since this seems like a scarier prospect than making a concrete decision, I sort of feel like it’s the way to go. Does that make sense?

As in – quit smoking, and then just lose the condom and make sweet lovin to your hubby whenever the heck you feel like it, and if the sperm happens to meet the egg, then good for us.¬†I’m assuming that after a few months of this, if I don’t get a BFP, I’ll probably start tracking again. But for now, maybe it’s the right move?

I’m a heathen, and yet for some reason my instinct is telling me to let fate decide. I feel like it’s the right move for my marriage, and also in terms of my life choices.

It’s weird because this has all come to me in the last few hours. I’ve already talked it over with Shmerson, of course, and he’s on board. But this is me making a quick decision. Which is also sometimes bad, and I’ve been trying to avoid doing that. On the other hand, it feels like a difficult one to make, and yet the right one to make.

I don’t know ladies – what do you think? Is this a cop-out or a healthy decision?

I’m a pee-stick-a-holic

18 Jan

Ok I’ll start with a confession. Last week, during a visit to a pharmacy, I picked up a package of OPK’s.

I know, I know – Bad Me! For shame!

(but in my defense they were on sale)

I told Shmerson about buying them, but I swore to him that they would not be used until we officially go back to TTC.

Shmerson, I know you’re reading this – you have married a weak willed pee-stick-a-holic. I’m sorry and I love you.

I justified it to myself thusly:

Me: Well, if you’re going to start TTC again in a month or two then it’s probably a good idea to re-acquaint yourself with your cycles.

Me: Oh! Yay! We finally agree on something! This is a good idea!

Me: Why thank you. We’re not being unhealthy at all.

Me: Nope. Not at all.

So off I went to POAS. I admit, I kind of missed it. It really does give one a sense of control.

(OPK negative BTW – but there is a faint line so I’m assuming the surge should come in a few days).

But I’m not sure if this is such a good idea. These darn pee-sticks are part of what started the trouble in the first place.

What do you guys think? Should I POAS to get to know my cycle again, or am I just trying to control everything too much again and I’m on a slippery slope?

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