Tag Archives: maury show

Stuff Infertiles Shouldn’t Watch: The Maury Show

25 Apr

So this blog has been a bit too heavy for my tastes lately, so I decided to resurrect one of my old favorites: “Stuff Infertiles Shouldn’t Watch!

For any veteran readers, you know that along with my love of quality programming like Dr. Who (reboot series of course) and How I Met Your Mother, I like to torture myself with trash TV on a fairly regular basis.

One particular instrument of torture has been a staple in the realm of “Mo TV” for over a decade.

The Maury Show.

Yep.

But not just any episode of the long-running trashy talk show. Oh no. I only watch the DNA test shows.

For those of you lucky enough to have never watched this show, let me break down an episode for you:

Maury brings out a guest. She is usually an upset “Baby Momma” who is going to prove that so-and-so is her baby daddy. Or said baby momma cheated on her boyfriend/partner/husband/fiancee/cousin with his roommate/cousin/best friend/brother and now she’s not sure who the baby daddy is.

After interviewing the woman, who is either bawling or livid, we cut to a taped segment, where the alleged baby daddy (or ABD) is “156% sure” that he’s not the baby daddy.

Said ABD stays backstage, with a live feed of him on the main stage on a giant video screen, and he shakes his head vigorously as the baby momma lays down her accusations/apologies. Usually at this point the baby momma gets really mad and runs at the video screen, yelling at the ABD, while forgetting that THIS IS NOT A TWO WAY SCREEN.

Sometimes the baby’s (or if we’re really lucky, babies) picture is put up alongside the ABD’s, and the baby momma points out facial traits that the baby and the ABD have in common, while the ABD counters that the baby’s “toes are too short” or their “hair is too curly” so there’s no way in heck he could be the father. In fact, he is now 237% sure that he is not the father, and Baby Momma is a slut.

This goes on for a good four or five minutes until the ABD (or sometimes ABDs) is brought on stage and some screaming starts, then Maury cuts off the proceedings. Like the splash title at the bottom of the screen says – The results are in!

The results are always delivered in Maury’s calm authoritative voice:

“When it comes to x-year-old crazyname mcbabypants, ABD, you ARE the father!”

Or, more often than you think:

“When it comes to x-year-old crazyname mcbabypants, ABD – you are NOT the father!”

Then there is more screaming (and surprisingly enough, push-ups on a fairly regular basis).

Aaaaand we cut to commercials.

This happens 5-6 times on every show.

And OMG, this stuff is like crack to me.

Let me enlighten you with some lessons I have learned from watching Maury deliver the news over the years:

1. Women are appallingly ignorant about their cycles. I mean, I know not every woman knows when she ovulates down to the minute like us infertiles do, but seriously, it’s insane. I can’t count the amount of times that 2-3 men have been brought on stage for the same baby, only to find out that NONE of them are actually the father. Do these women not know when they menstruate? Well it’s either that or they’re truly sluts. But I don’t like slut-shaming, so I’ll stick to “they don’t know how their cycles work.”

2. Apparently, Maury answers to several alternative names. Yep! Maury will answer to Murray, Mary, Murry, and once, I believe – Marvin. He doesn’t seem to mind because he’s cool like that.

3. Some parents are sadists when it comes to naming their babies. Some of my personal favorites have included: Veto (does this mean his mother is hoping for him to be the president someday? Either that or she doesn’t know how to spell. Or a sad, unfortunate combination of both), Karion (pronounced “carry-on”, which makes me wonder if he was conceived as part of a mile-high club gathering), and finally – twin girls Semage and Menage (seriously do these people not have the ability to do a google search? And picture this: the twins are now 18. A pervy guy introduces himself and finds out one of them is named Menage. You do the math).

4. The audience doesn’t really pay attention to the stories on the stage. Maury’s audience LOVES to participate, in the form of Oooooohs, Awwwwws, and Boooooos. However, they don’t always do it at the right moments. Sometimes the ABD is a good guy, who really really wants crazyname mcbabypants to be his. But the audience boos him anyway just because they’re so used to booing ABD’s, they can’t seem to help themselves. This leads to some blissfully awkward moments.

5. There is apparently an endless supply of women who don’t know who the father of their children is, and are willing to go on TV to find out. An average of 5 women per show, an average of 3 DNA shows per week, over something like 12 years. I’m not even going to attempt the math, my head is exploding.

6. People are stoopid. There was a woman on the show who had triplets, and the ABD actually said he was only the father of one of them. True story. Ok, actually it turns out that one time in 2008 they had a woman on the show with twins from two different dads. So a correction – these people are mostly stupid, but sometimes freaks of nature. 

7. People don’t understand the concept of “100%”. I am 481% sure of that.

8. I am a masochist. Do I really need to explain why?

I leave you with these prime examples of human intelligence:

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