Well it would be dishonest if all I did here was just post about birth non-plans and shopping.
Because the truth is that day-to-day things sometimes really blow.
Today sucked. It’s not that anything specific happened. It was just one of those days, that have been getting more frequent lately where I just plain lost it.
I didn’t sleep properly, and I spent the entire day on edge.
Shmerson stayed home from work because he wasn’t feeling well, and instead of just taking care of him, there were bursts of taking care of him mixed with taking out my frustrations on him. Poor guy. And he wasn’t the only victim. Everyone I talked to today felt my wrath. I was short and unkind and I feel like shit about it, but I just couldn’t help it.
It’s as if I had a finite amount of patience, and that patience has run out.
I’m terrified that things may still go wrong, and yet I am SICK AND TIRED of being scared, even though I can’t stop it.
I’m worried all the time, and I’m SICK AND TIRED of being worried.
Plus – I would give anything right now for a slice of double cheese pizza followed by a hunk of chocolate cake.
I know I need to stick to the GD diet for the good of B5, but I am SICK AND TIRED of this stupid diet and eating the same freaking thing every day. I just want some freaking carbs. Like – real ones.
Days have just been dragging by at a snail’s pace. I feel like I want to DO things but I can’t without Shmerson here, and he’s only really free to do stuff on the weekends. So I spend all week just feeling stagnant. Like NOTHING is moving.
The only time I feel any sort of progress is on weekends when we actually get things ready for B5, and that doesn’t happen every weekend. And it’s like doing these little things makes the good stuff feel more real. But most of what I do is not getting ready. It’s just sitting around. Waiting, working, eating stupid diabetes-friendly food. Waiting some more.
Yesterday was the Jewish version of Valentine’s day. Shmerson jokingly tweeted: “On this day, what do you get the wife who’s not allowed anything?”
I LOLed. It’s funny because it’s true. And it’s also kind of sad for the same reason.
I am SICK AND TIRED of this. I know we’re in the home stretch, but each day feels like a month.
So today at around 6pm I had a mini meltdown and couldn’t stop crying for an hour. Poor Shmerson. I think he doesn’t quite know what to do with me any more. All he can do is tell me how little time there is left. But right now, for me, it seems like FOREVER.
Come what may – I want to be past this.
Truth be told – I want to see this little girl already, safe and sound and screaming her lungs out. Because I’m sick of seeing all the other possible outcomes and being terrified. I’m sick of the flashbacks. I’m sick of the worry. I’m sick of the uncertainty. I just want to KNOW already.
I AM SO OVER THIS.
I know there are only probably 4-6 weeks to go. I know that relative to “time served” that is nothing.
But right now it feels like everything.