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Tag Archives: gestational diabetes

One of Those Days

23 Jul

Well it would be dishonest if all I did here was just post about birth non-plans and shopping.

Because the truth is that day-to-day things sometimes really blow.

Today sucked. It’s not that anything specific happened. It was just one of those days, that have been getting more frequent lately where I just plain lost it.

I didn’t sleep properly, and I spent the entire day on edge.

Shmerson stayed home from work because he wasn’t feeling well, and instead of just taking care of him, there were bursts of taking care of him mixed with taking out my frustrations on him. Poor guy. And he wasn’t the only victim. Everyone I talked to today felt my wrath. I was short and unkind and I feel like shit about it, but I just couldn’t help it.

It’s as if I had a finite amount of patience, and that patience has run out.

I’m terrified that things may still go wrong, and yet I am SICK AND TIRED of being scared, even though I can’t stop it.

I’m worried all the time, and I’m SICK AND TIRED of being worried.

Plus – I would give anything right now for a slice of double cheese pizza followed by a hunk of chocolate cake.

I know I need to stick to the GD diet for the good of B5, but I am SICK AND TIRED of this stupid diet and eating the same freaking thing every day. I just want some freaking carbs. Like – real ones.

Days have just been dragging by at a snail’s pace. I feel like I want to DO things but I can’t without Shmerson here, and he’s only really free to do stuff on the weekends. So I spend all week just feeling stagnant. Like NOTHING is moving.

The only time I feel any sort of progress is on weekends when we actually get things ready for B5, and that doesn’t happen every weekend. And it’s like doing these little things makes the good stuff feel more real. But most of what I do is not getting ready. It’s just sitting around. Waiting, working, eating stupid diabetes-friendly food. Waiting some more.

Yesterday was the Jewish version of Valentine’s day. Shmerson jokingly tweeted: “On this day, what do you get the wife who’s not allowed anything?”

I LOLed. It’s funny because it’s true. And it’s also kind of sad for the same reason.

I am SICK AND TIRED of this. I know we’re in the home stretch, but each day feels like a month.

So today at around 6pm I had a mini meltdown and couldn’t stop crying for an hour. Poor Shmerson. I think he doesn’t quite know what to do with me any more. All he can do is tell me how little time there is left. But right now, for me, it seems like FOREVER.

Come what may – I want to be past this.

Truth be told – I want to see this little girl already, safe and sound and screaming her lungs out. Because I’m sick of seeing all the other possible outcomes and being terrified. I’m sick of the flashbacks. I’m sick of the worry. I’m sick of the uncertainty. I just want to KNOW already.

I AM SO OVER THIS.

I know there are only probably 4-6 weeks to go. I know that relative to “time served” that is nothing.

But right now it feels like everything.

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Bullets and Bunnies – Weekend Edition

13 Jul
  • So let’s start with I guess semi-bad news: I’ve officially been put on insulin. It’s only one shot at night, but there you go. Honestly? It didn’t upset me in the slightest. I’ve been fretting about my numbers and this is supposed to help make them stable. That’s a good thing. I think in the long run it will lead to less anxiety. Though I admit I do have a bit of anxiety around giving myself injections. But my numbers do seem to be evening out some, so I’m a bit calmer.
  • Today was the first day I can say we were truly “nesting”. There’s a lot of organizing to be done ahead of B5’s arrival and we’ve kind of been putting it off. Today we started in on it. We have two “extra” bedrooms. One has been the guest room/place-where-we-stick-our-clean-folded-laundry-because-we’re-too-lazy-to-put-it-away. The other has been the office/storage-room-that’s-so-messy-and-cramped-we-don’t-actually-use-it-as-an-office. We started cleaning out and organizing both. The “office” is going to become an office/guest room and the current guest room will be B5’s room. There’s a lot of moving of furniture, purging, and storage that needs to be done. Today I’m happy to say we threw away three garbage bags worth of stuff and moved a bunch of stuff to the storage room.
  • I also decided to tackle our main bathroom, which has just been really disorganized. There were LOTS of spare pee sticks to be put away and things just generally needed to be put in place. Really? The sheer amount of pee sticks was overwhelming (in case you’re curious I have 5 unused HPT’s, 50 OPK’s and 4 positive HPT’s from this pregnancy that I’ve been hoarding, and there were a lot of empty pee stick boxes there too for some reason). Apart from getting the other stuff organized, I just kind of organized all of the pee sticks in a pile in a corner of one of the cupboards for now. It’s a start, right? And hey – the bathroom looks really nice now and you can only find the pee sticks if you look really hard.
  • All in all it felt Ah-mazing to get started on all of this. Our home isn’t dirty (mostly thanks to the cleaning lady that comes every two weeks), but Shmerson and I both suck at organization  so it felt good to have things look like they are in their place for a change. I think we’ll need at least 2-3 more Saturdays to get it all under control, but I’m kind of loving the feeling of making progress.
  • Today I actually used the phrase “the baby’s room” for the first time. Freaky.
  • In other getting-our-shit-together-because-OMG-there-may-be-a-baby-here-soon news, we’ve hired a dog trainer for Luna. She’s a super-smart, wonderful dog, but has serious anxiety issues, which make her bark a lot and makes it hard to leave her home alone. The trainer is lovely and we’re starting to see some progress. I just hope Luna will take to B5 with love and not hostility. Hopefully the training will make a difference.
  • We had another hospital tour yesterday, which leaves one more to go before we make our decision. The last one (that we haven’t officially toured yet) is most likely what we’re going to go with based on a bunch of factors, but we wanted to see all 3 options before deciding. Yesterday’s tour was a bit of a nightmare because of one of the other preggos in the group. The woman was just screaming “I’m a stupid fertile”, which is saying something since she was obviously well-to-do and educated, and therefore probably not actually stupid. I wanted to punch her in the face. She kept asking stupid questions with this huge “look how cute I am” grin on her face. Oh – and she was there with her equally stupid friend who is also preggo and they kept whispering and giggling with each other. OMG I am so happy I opted for private child birth classes. I just know this was the kind of crap I would have had to deal with otherwise. Stupid fertile happy-go-lucky preggos make me hostile. It’s not pretty, but it’s just the way it is.
  • There has been an upside to buying all of the baby stuff. I’ve been trying positive visualizations in an effort to curb my anxiety and actually knowing what B5’s stuff looks like has really helped that, so it comes more easily now. That’s definitely a good thing.
  •  When this pregnancy is over I know I want to get on a good weight loss plan. But not before I eat ALL THE CAKE. Some donuts and pizza and croissants and sushi would also be amazing. Washed down with a nice strawberry daiquiri. But first, cake. Lots and lots of cake.GD sucks.
  • That’s about all the randomness I have for today. I leave you with this bunny. Hope everyone has a great weekend!

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Bullets and Bunnies: 30 Weeks Edition

25 Jun
  • I’m 30 weeks today. I really never thought we’d get here. Now that we’re here though – I’m grateful, but it’s a little harder than I imagined it would be. I’ve said here before that I’m not loving being pregnant, and that’s not changed. Luckily, physically I’m not suffering too much but I’m truly sick and tired of missing out on life due to all of the restrictions. 4 months of basically being on house arrest have taken their toll, and now with the added dietary restrictions I can barely enjoy the bit of respite I do get. We actually went out to a movie on Saturday and there was literally a 15 minute discussion about whether or not we can buy popcorn because of the GD. I really want my body back. I’ll happily wait until B5 is full-term mind you – and have no desire to evict her any earlier, but this crap is seriously getting old.
  • With that whole “I want my body back” thing though, I’m starting to realize that in fact, that probably will never happen. My stomach is stretch-mark-palooza, despite my loyally rubbing cocoa butter on it every night. I have fondly started calling it “the cream of lies” because really it does nothing. On one hand, I am kind of fond of these little marks, because it means my belly is growing, as is B5, but I’m a bit scared to think that once you get them, they never really go away. And mine are BAD.
  • These bullets are a bit complain-y aren’t they? I think I’m just in a mood today. I’m really ok and grateful and all that fun sunshine and unicorn fart crap, I swear. I just feel like kvetching.
  • So on with the kvetching! I am a hormonal mess. At least 4 times in the last week I’ve lost my shit over something trivial. And that’s without the random crying at things. We were watching the first Star Trek reboot the other night and I literally started bawling when they started the whole “Space… The final frontier” speech at the end of the film. I still have no idea why it made me cry, but I was a mess for a good 15 minutes.
  • I’m also a ball of anxiety. I feel like I’m not letting myself be anxious about B5 as much so my anxiety is therefore being channeled into ALL THE THINGS. Today I found myself spending a nice chunk of time worrying about things that are literally 5 years down the road. Then when I talked myself down from that, I got worried about Shmerson driving tonight after work because he’s tired. Then I started worrying about my cholesterol levels once this pregnancy is over. My brain is screwy, seriously. I’ve got enough to be worried about, I don’t get why I’m insisting on adding more.
  • One thing I’m genuinely concerned about is that my blood glucose levels have been borderline. My high-risk OB decided not to medicate the GD for now but I’m kind of questioning whether that’s the best thing. I’ve had some high readings this week (on average one meal a day and the rest is ok, and I don’t know what’s causing the high readings), and B5 is measuring on track, when before she was consistently 4-5 days behind. I know it’s silly to worry about measuring on track, but I can’t help but think that her growth spurt may have something to do with the GD, and the issue may get worse. Problem is, my next appointment isn’t for a couple of weeks, and I’m wondering what the occasional high readings will do until then, because I don’t want them to hurt her. Who wants to talk me down?
  • Ok enough kvetching. Time for a technical note: Google Reader is going away on July 1st, so anyone who follows me via the reader should find an alternative. If you don’t want a whole new blog-reading platform, then please do subscribe to the blog via email with the button on the top right of this page. If you’re still looking for an alternative, I’ve been using Netvibes. It’s a bit clunkier and it took me a while to get the settings right – but it’s been doing the job. Plus, I could import my entire reading list there, which was handy (though did require some reading up on exporting and importing RSS subscription lists).
  • On a totally unrelated note, I’m officially back on the crack that is “Toddlers and Tiaras” . I have no clue why I insist on inflicting this on myself, but there ya go.
  • So that’s about it. Sorry for the whiny post. I promise you guys I’m doing well, just going a bit stir-crazy and craving chocolate cake and ice cream. Here’s a bunny to make up for the kvetch:

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And Just Like That…

13 Jun

So something went wrong with dinner tonight and I had an unusually high blood sugar reading afterward.

Then I decided to google it to see if it was a big deal.

I found a site that seemed very informative with some nice comprehensive stuff about the condition. I made the mistake of reading it and it scared the eff out of me by getting into worst case scenarios which I didn’t really want to read (and I really don’t want to repeat here), and I’ve been avoiding like the plague. Yay me for being a genius and not stopping reading when I should have. Stupid Dr. Google.

And just like that, a switch went off in my head and all optimism got tossed out the window. I’m pretty much back to terrified and emotionally detached now.

Somebody talk me down, because this is no fun.

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This Whole Time Thing

29 May

Shmerson and I celebrated our 3 year anniversary on Monday. Unlike last year or the year before, where we had gone someplace extravagant for several days, this one was relatively low-key.

Anniversaries have been bittersweet for us, since most of our marriage has been marred with loss. My first miscarriage was barely two months after our wedding. This year was no exception. There was celebrating, and speculating, and also a bit of crying.

The interesting thing about the day was dinner. We had a long talk, and it was more or less the first time we had an extended conversation about B5, as not just an idea, but as our daughter. Questions of raising her – everything from internet etiquette to sleeping arrangements.

It was a wonderful hopeful conversation.

Of course I had a panic attack a little later, but I still think it was progress.

***

This GD thing is really effing with me. Well, not just the GD. Time in general.

I am soooo ready to get this over with. I sooo want this pregnancy to be over. Yet I know we need every single week now for her to grow. I know we need at least 11 more weeks.

Sometimes 11 weeks seem like nothing, and other times – most times – it feels endless. The tedium of GD, and having my day split up into 3-hour increments, and always having to figure out all of this food stuff is exhausting, and just makes everything seem longer.

We said we would wait until 28 weeks to start preparing for her arrival, but the truth is I’m eager to start doing everything now. Like maybe looking at cribs and debating the merits of a changing table will make the time pass by faster.

But more like – maybe it will make everything seem a bit more real.

I’m still terrified, but the fact is that there is a fairly good chance we have a baby girl entering our lives sometime in August or September (please please not a moment sooner).

Man that feels weird to type up. I’m probably going to pay for that with a panic attack later. Good times.

Does anyone have a time-speeder-upper-type-thing I could borrow?

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Hitting a Wall

25 May

It started last night when the family was over for dinner and afterwards I pulled some watermelon out of the fridge and spent an hour staring at it longingly because I couldn’t eat it and everyone else could.

It dragged into today. The feeling that this is endless. That here again is yet ANOTHER thing I can’t do. I can’t leave the house. I can’t take a freaking walk. I can’t even eat some freaking fruit without there being consequences.

So today, 3 months to go seems endless. Seems like forever.

The worst part of this is is how much I hate being pregnant. How I want to be past this already – but I can’t wish that. I can’t let her come early, that would be awful. She needs to stay in there for another 11 and a half weeks at least.

It’s like a never-ending cycle of guilt over here. Guilt and feeling miserable because I’m freaking not allowed to do anything. And poor Shmerson, he has to live with this.

Everybody keeps on telling me this will be worth it in the end. I know that’s probably true. But right now everything just seems endless and sucky.

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Sugar Withdrawal

23 May

So first of all – thank you everyone. Your comments on my last post were amazing.

Things have been slowly sinking in, today being the first day of the new GD regimen. Here are some conclusions, pardon the bullets:

  • Always read instructions on your glucose meter. It took me 5 pricks to get a reading this morning, all because I thought the nurse’s training was enough, and I didn’t bother to read the meter instructions. It was a bloodbath. A funny, comedy of errors type of bloodbath, but a bloodbath nonetheless. My fingers don’t like me anymore as a result.
  • Squish pointed out some smart things to me yesterday (that were echoed in the comments). This is exactly the type of control-freaky stuff that I love. I have numbers and regimens to deal with, and that totally feeds into my control-freak nature. So that’s a plus. I have numbers to obsess over! Yay! Or something!
  • When I mentioned the increased C-Section rate with GD to her, Squish wisely pointed out that since my last labor and birth were traumatic beyond words, maybe something that is the polar opposite (i.e. a C-Section rather than a natural birth) would be a good experience for us. Even healing. It’s not that I want a C-Section, in fact, that’s one of the things I LEAST WANT EVER. But thinking about it that way makes that option feel far less daunting. Does that make any sense?
  • This actually means I get to see my high-risk OB more often. That means more cervix measurements and ultrasounds. That is always a good thing in my book.
  • I did A LOT of reading and asked A LOT of questions yesterday. I was purposefully looking for things that would endanger B5. I wanted to know the worst-case scenario. I now understand that the worst-case scenario here isn’t that bad. As long as I manage this, she should be fine. All the warnings I saw were only if the condition went untreated, and I plan on treating the hell out of it. I’ve never looked so hard for disaster ever without finding it. This time I didn’t find it. So that is a huge relief.
  • I really need to wrap my head around this viability thing. I’m still acting and thinking as if we haven’t hit that point. I’m still feeling like things could easily go terribly wrong, even though the odds are way more in our favor this time. I’m hoping this will go away in time, because I’m sick and tired of being terrified.
  • I don’t think I realized just how much sugar and how many carbs I was ingesting in a given day. I thought that at least in the last month or so I started eating healthier. I was wrong.
  • Sugar withdrawal is a bitch. Seriously. I’ve been craving sweet stuff all day. And B5 has been much less active today as things even out. I even pulled out the doppler at one point because she was too still for my tastes. I guess we both have to get used to this no-sugar thing.
  • Three months and I can have chocolate again. Only three months.
  • I bought the “I’m With Stupid” maternity shirt last night, as sort of a “fuck you universe” statement. It is officially the first true piece of maternity clothing I have ever purchased (I’ve been making due with tunics, stretchy dresses and plus-size). I hope nothing explodes or catches fire as a result. I’ll keep you guys posted.
  • GD sucks, but I think we’ll manage.

 

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It’s Official

22 May

As of yesterday, I officially have Gestational Diabetes. Got my glucose monitor and all that fun stuff today.

I don’t even know how to react at this point.

Apart from being fucking terrified as usual, I mostly I feel guilt, because everyone was concerned this would happen. They tried to be tactful about it but the fact is this happened because I’m fat.

I can’t even describe the amount of guilt and self-flagellation going on in my head right now.

I’m hurting my baby and this time it is my fault.  Yes, I’ve been on bed rest for the last three months. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t have the chance to shut my effing mouth and just eat less.

I fucking hate this.

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Urgh

19 May

Just found out that I got a 169 on my 1 hour glucose tolerance test.  Of course I did.

I hate this. I feel like a beached whale and there’s barely anything I can do about it. And now I have to go in for the 3 hour test.

And considering we’ve always fallen on the ass-end of statistics, I’m thinking it’s not a stretch to believe that I’ll fail that one too and I’ll have Gestational Diabetes to contend with.

Ugh. Just urgh.

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