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Tag Archives: facebook

The Big Reveal

12 Jan

So Shmerson and I have decided to announce the pregnancy on Facebook.

Here’s a list of reasons why (I love lists!):

  1. This pregnancy has been filled with nothing but worry and drama. Shmerson and I both feel the need to do at least one “normal” thing and actually get to celebrate this a little.
  2. Looking at it from the other side, though I hated finding out about pregnancies through Facebook, I preferred to get the info as an official announcement, and not as a series of indecipherable comments on a person’s wall or getting slapped in the face by a baby bump photo. Shmerson and I will be attending several weddings in the next few months, so it will be inevitable that I get tagged with a bump. I’d rather reveal on my terms.
  3. I think that if I share the news sensitively enough, it may not hurt the closet IFers on my friends list.

So that’s the kicker. I need to find a kind way to say it, without an overshare (because really, my grad school screenwriting professor doesn’t need to know about my three miscarriages), but with a hint toward our struggle so that any closet IFer would understand.

I admit, I’ve been thinking about this for months, and of course, dear readers, I need your help! Here are the status update options I’ve come up with:

(yay! Another list!)

  1. It’s been a bumpy two year ride to get here, but I am happy and grateful to announce that we are expecting a baby boy this June. There’s a rocky road still ahead, so please keep us in your thoughts while we fight to make it there safely!
  2. I am grateful and humbled to announce that after a lot of heartache, we are expecting a baby boy to make his arrival in June of this year. My thoughts are with all of the couples still struggling with infertility and pregnancy loss, and I hope all of your wishes come true soon.
  3. This is the humorous approach: I embed “pregnant women are smug” and write: I promise, I’m not like that. Grateful for the upcoming arrival of our baby boy, due this June.

I know the first two are ultra-sensitive, but they still somewhat feel like TMI. But maybe I’m wrong? Is the third option good? Should I just scrap it all and write in all caps (as has been suggested here several times in the comments, originate by MissOhkay) “I’M KNOCKED UP! SEE YA LATER, BARREN BITCHES!” or something? Do you have any better ideas? I’m sure you do, so lay them on me.

Help!

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More Facebook Action – In Defense of Infertiles

6 Sep

So – for those of you who don’t read Elphie’s blog, please check over there for some context. In short, her very eloquent post about the problem with the so called “breast cancer awareness game” received some pretty nasty comments from some ignorant people. People were calling those of us offended by this game “selfish”. Accusing us of not being able to be happy for our pregnant/mommy friends.

I’ve decided to take this discussion as an opportunity to explain why it is that women with fertility issues have problems with FB pregnancy announcements. And trust me, this has nothing to do with being selfish. In fact – it’s quite the opposite.

In the year and three months since my first pregnancy, I’ve seen pregnancy announcement after pregnancy announcement. I’ve seen birth announcements. I’ve seen pictures of happy mothers and fathers holding their newborns. These have come from my friends and acquaintances. On every one of those announcements I gave a hearty congrats. In some cases, when possible, I went to visit baby and mom in the hospital. In one case, I even spent several days keeping a friend company while she was going crazy, because she was overdue and getting VERY uncomfortable.

I did all of those things happily. I was happy for them.

I was sad for me. Sad because each one of these kids was a potential playmate for my lost children. Sad because I could have had that happy announcement five months ago. And again 3 months ago. And again three months from now. I would be holding on to a huge bump now. Or holding my child. Their happiness is a reminder of my losses. Of my sadness.

So I rejoice with them. But in the privacy of my own home, in front of my computer screen, I have every right to cry. They don’t see my tears. They don’t see my sadness. Some of them, who know my situation, are sensitive enough to acknowledge it and allow me to show them my sadness. But most either don’t know, or, frankly, don’t care. That is their right.

Just like it is my right to cry in the privacy of my own home when I am reminded of my losses by a barrage of happy baby pictures. I don’t complain about those much. I’m sure I’ll be the same when hopefully I bring my own baby home. That is their right. Just as it will be mine some day.

But it’s not my lot in life yet. Now I’m faced with my losses, and nothing more. So yes, a picture of a baby, in certain emotional states will send me off the edge. Other times I’m ok. I don’t comment on their photos and say that they have no right to post them. I “like” them as often as anybody else. Because that is the part I show – the part that is genuinely happy for those newly minted parents.

So why is this stupid meme different? Because it’s cruel. Not only to women in my situation. To every mislead friend and family member. But yes, especially to people suffering from infertility.

Because seeing one pregnancy or birth announcement a week on average is enough. Seeing ten at once, not knowing the true motives behind it, is enough to send anyone in my situation over the edge. That’s a reminder of my losses ten times over. All at once. I didn’t comment on these “announcements” cursing the “new soon-to-be-mommies” out. I took a moment to breathe, and to cry, and braced myself. Ready to congratulate them all.

And then I found out they were fake. Each and every one of them. So all of that emotional turmoil was for nothing. For a stupid meme that is supposedly “to raise breast cancer awareness” but doesn’t send anyone to a foundation. Doesn’t give any helpful information. In fact, it doesn’t even have the word “breast” in it.

I’m not mad at the women who posted it. I’m sure they meant well. I’m sure they did it all in good fun.

But that doesn’t make THE SITUATION any less offensive. It’s not the individual act, but rather the collective effect of it. It did NOTHING for breast cancer awareness. What it did was make 1 in every 16 women cry. Or at least feel a little stinging pain in her chest. It’s the RANDOMNESS of this, and the UNINTENDED cruelty of it that is offensive. It’s the MISGUIDED intentions behind it. That’s what is causing the uproar.

It has nothing to do with my or my fellow infertiles’ “bitterness” or “selfishness”. We did not choose our situation. We are women (and men) desperately wanting to have children, being reminded on a minute-by-minute basis of the failure of our own bodies, and having to put on a strong happy face to the world.

We don’t begrudge our friends their happiness. We mourn our own struggles. We are not “bitter” about our friends’ luck. We are jealous sometimes, yes. But even this is something we don’t share, because we know it’s not our friends’ fault that we are infertile, or having repeat miscarriages.

So we smile. We click on “like”. We congratulate and go to baby showers and attend the bris, and come to the hospital with flowers and chocolate.

But it is our right to mourn our losses quietly when we go home. And it’s our right to be offended and hurt by a barrage of fake pregnancies. Because for us it is a cruel joke. Crueler than it would be for the potential grandmother who sees her daughter’s status and cries tears of joy before finding out it was for “breast cancer awareness”. Or the sister who was offended because she wasn’t told in person of this “pregnancy”. It’s crueler because for us, it stung to begin with. And to find out that it was for nothing makes it sting all the more.

Again – I don’t blame the individuals who posted this. I’m sure they thought nothing of it at the time.

However, I reserve my right to be angry at the collective situation. And that’s not selfish. That’s self-preservation.

The Facebook Miscarriage Announcement

19 Mar

Note – I’ve noticed lately that a lot of women have come to this post after googling “How to announce a miscarriage on facebook”. If you are one of those women, I’m sorry for your loss and for how you have come to this blog. Please know that you’re not alone. There is a huge community of women out there – including myself, who have been through a loss and have come out safely on the other side. Please feel free to contact me using the link above if you feel like you need support. I will be happy to point you in the right direction.

The following post is meant to be satirical, although, if you manage to get some good tips from it, even better. 🙂

And now, without further ado – the original post. 

Ok – so practically every single one of the wonderful ALI bloggers that I follow has, at least once, posted about her bitterness of seeing happy-go-lucky preggo announcements on facebook.

I myself have been guilty of that on several occasions.

Since Shmerson and I have been back on the TTC wagon, I’ve given a lot of thought as to when, how, and to whom I announce the pregnancy when it happens.

On facebook, my initial instinct told me to wait until the second trimester, and then write something like: “After two devastating losses, Shmerson and I are happy to announce that I have finally made it into my second trimester safely. Wish us luck!”

But here’s the thing  – publicly, Shmerson and I have started to be huge advocates for NOT waiting. For breaking the silence around miscarriage. For sharing so others won’t feel like they’re alone. Shmerson wrote very openly about it on facebook. I’m not quite there yet because I have a lot of professional contacts on there. But honestly, for the last couple of weeks I’ve been toying with the idea of just sharing a link to this blog, without privacy settings and kind of just going: Ha! In your face bitches! I lost two babies!

Or something.

The only reason I don’t do this is actually due to the fact that I speak very openly here about my depression and anxiety, and I don’t want that publicized to future employers.

So yeah – posting the blog publicly – a problem.

But my miscarriages?

Well – I really do feel like screaming it from the rooftops. I’ve had two losses! I was (and still am) heartbroken!

Though I know at this point it’s a bit late for this.

On the other hand – what if I break the taboo completely? What if – as soon as i get a BFP I post a status that says:

Preggo for the third time after two losses. Hopefully this time it sticks. Cross your fingers for me!

Four weeks along.

Why the hell not? I admit it’s very tempting and kind of rebellious. I mean, I’ll obviously be posting about my BFP on here. So why the hell not on FB? Why not shatter the taboo? It seems like an interesting social experiment. Just to see what people will say in the comments. (though if anyone tells me they’re praying for me and those other losses happened for a reason I will unceremoniously remove them from my friends list).

But let’s say I do that. Inevitably, that thought process  brings me to a much darker place. Say this next BFP doesn’t stick. That means I have to actually announce my miscarriage on facebook.

So – in the spirit of this, inspired by this, and egged on by this, here are ten ways to announce a miscarriage on facebook (now with extra humor, denial, and cynicism!)

***WARNING: some of the following is highly inappropriate and some people may find it offensive or hurtful. I have let my bitter flag fly. Consider yourself warned.

  1. The Casual Approach: Yeah – so I’m not knocked up anymore. Thought you should know. Kthnxbye
  2. The April Fool’s Day Status Update: We safely made it to the second trimester! Psych! April fool! I actually lost the baby last week.
  3. The “Borrowing a Cliche while starting a betting pool” Approach:Three miscarriages down – who knows how many to go? Come on – we’re taking bets! Whoever guesses correctly will get to change a poopy diaper for me once I actually manage to carry a baby to term! (On second thought, I should probably think of a more attractive prize for the winner)
  4. The Charlie Sheen Approach: Nope – that wasn’t tiger’s blood coming out of my cooch! (I know that one was a bit much. Sorry, I couldn’t help myself).
  5. The “You Lucky Fertiles Suck” Approach: Had another miscarriage. Anyone with a child who wants to tell me “everything will happen in good time” is welcome to step up so I can punch them in the face!
  6. The Wayne’s World Approach: I’ve just been told I will carry this baby to term! NOT! And monkeys might fly out of my butt! (But no babies will be flying out of my uterus any time soon!)
  7. The Bad Pun Approach: Well – There goes another pregnancy down the drain…
  8. The Roundabout Approach: I am happy to announce that I am back to smoking a pack a day, and I can have as much caffeine as I want!
  9. The Posting of Pee Sticks, Redoux: Take a picture of your BFP, and date it with a magic marker. Then once the HCG is out of your system, take a picture of a BFN and date it as well. The smart people will figure it out.
  10. The Ultrasound Annoucement, Redoux (Inspired by Elphie’s #2): This one is specific to Blighted ovums. Post the ultrasound pic, with a big red arrow pointing to the empty sac. In case your pool of friends is particularly challenged, write “Doesn’t that Empty Sac look just like me?” above said red arrow.

Well – those are mine. Feel free to post your ideas in the comments!

Let cynicism and bitterness reign supreme!

(was that a cheesy line or did I live up to my promise from yesterday?)

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