Tag Archives: day care

PPA Part 5 – Day Care

18 Apr

She’s six months old. It’s time.

I packed her clothes and labelled them. I wrote her name on her bottles with a sharpie.

It’s time.

I can’t be with her during the day while I work any more. She’s getting more active. She’s more of a handful. I need to work.

Burning the candle at both ends is becoming unbearable. I haven’t slept properly in weeks.

It’s time.

8am. I stand in the middle of the day care center. She’s in the small crib they’ve designated for her. I stand there next to her. I can’t go.

I start crying.

Great. Now I’m the weird crazy lady in the middle of the day care center crying.

I can’t go.

Crying becomes sobbing.

I’ve  been here for half an hour. I really need to go.

I can’t go.

But I really need to go.

The day care worker gently suggests I leave.

I can’t go.

She suggests I take her and try again another day.

I really have to go. She needs to be here. I have to go.

I go.

The car is parked outside. 8:30am.



I’ve been sitting in the car for 45 minutes. I really need to go.

But she’s in there. She’s in there without me.

I need to go.

She’s alone.

She’s not alone – she’s there with a lot of other babies.

She’s so quiet, they won’t notice when she needs something.

They will. They’ll notice. She knows how to cry when she really needs something.

They don’t have movement sensors on their cribs.

Fuck. Holy fuck.

It’s getting hard to breathe. I need to go. If I don’t go now I’ll run back in there and take her away from this place.

But they don’t have sensors.

Horrible, awful, unbearable images run through my head.

More than horrible. More than awful. More than unbearable. There are no words for this.

The quiet cry I’ve had going for the last 30 minutes starts to devolve into hysterics.

I put the car in reverse.

I need to pull off the band aid. I need to go.

Luckily home is close.

I drive away from her. Hysterics devolve into screaming in terror.

I park outside our house.

I need to get out of the car and go in the house.

9:30am. I need to go in the house.

I try to calm my breathing. I take a Xan.ax.

Just don’t think about the sensor. Don’t think about the sensor. Go in the house.


I go in the house.


1 Mar

9am – Get woken up by Shmerson after working until 2am – reluctantly drag my butt out of bed.

10am – Leave to run errands.

10:30am – Buy Bunny a few new clothes because most of her stuff is very winter, and days are gradually getting warmer.

11:15 am – Buy Bunny her first high chair.

11:45- Buy a blender stick to make baby food.

12:30 – Grocery shopping. Contemplate store bought rice cereal vs homemade.

1:30pm – Arrive home, give Bunny her bottle.

2:00pm – Shmerson starts putting together the high chair.

2:00pm – I finally – a month after she’s outgrown them – pack up all of Bunny’s 0-3 clothes. Decide that while I’m at it I should probably put together her day care bag, because she’s starting in two days.

2:30pm –  stare in wonder at the onesies that Bunny once drowned in and now don’t fit her any more.

4:00pm  – Finish everything. Decide we should take some family pictures.

4:15pm – Send Shmerson to sleep and decide that even though it’s late, we should try out the high chair and our fourth day of our first solid food – sweet potato.

4:30pm – realize this was a huge mistake, because Bunny is grumpy and tired. Give up, clean up.

4:45pm – Give Bunny a teething ring because she’s in pain. Two teeth coming in at the same time. Bunny falls asleep in my arms.

5:15pm – Bottle. We need bigger bottles because she’s starting to need more and when I put in the formula it literally touches the cover. It’s becoming harder to mix.

6:00pm – Bunny’s in pain. Spend an hour keeping her calm.

7:00pm – Let her play. She rolls over twice in her play gym.

8:00pm – Bedtime ritual. I decide to let Shmerson handle it. Don’t know why – but I need a night off.

9:00pm – Shmerson and I eat dinner and watch an oscar nominated movie

1:00am – I’m late with the dream feed because of the movie (that needed to be paused too often).  Bunny wakes up because of it. I feel guilty but let it go – I’m getting better at that.

I give her her bottle, singing her our usual bedtime medley to keep her in sleep mode:

Easy by Faith No More

Ironic by Alanis Morissette

Hey Jude by the Beatles

Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen

and finish off with her favorite – Let it Be.

(Yes I know it’s an eclectic mix)

She polishes off the bottle. I put her in her crib but don’t want to stay. Shmerson goes in and makes sure she falls back asleep.

2:20am : I lose it. My baby girl is six months old this week. She starts day care in two days. She’s growing teeth. She’s learning how to eat solids. Time is speeding by. Too fast. I don’t want day care to start. I remember all the reasons we need to do it. But I don’t want it any more.

2:30am: Realize I spent most of the day emotionally detached because holy crap  – this is too much at once. I know this is all fun and exciting stuff. But this is it – this is the first time I truly start to let my baby girl grow, and be independent.

This is it. She’s too big. I can’t stay at home with her any more. I need to work. I need a sane schedule. No – WE need a sane schedule.

I’m so excited to see the person she’s growing up to be. But I’m already starting to miss things that just aren’t there any more.

I heard someone say this the other day (will find who and cite it soon):

Joy is grief turned inside out.*

Yep. Pretty much.

This was my Friday.

3:30am – I publish this post and wonder how the hell I’ll fall asleep tonight, and how to deal with tomorrow morning’s puffy, cried-out eyes.

Joy is grief turned inside out.


* I heard this quoted by author Jennifer Senior. The person who originally said it was psychiatrist George Valiant

Bullets on Bunny (see what I did there?): Holy Day Care Shortage Batman! Edition

21 Jan
  • Seriously guys – I have NO TIME. I’m really sorry for the disappearing act. I just got hired as a full-time employee rather than an outside contractor by the company I’ve been working for for the past year (yay!), and it’s awesome – but it’s not doing wonders for my work load, to say the least.
  • Which brings me to day care. Holy crap. Seriously. First of all, practically every place we’ve contacted doesn’t have any openings until September (!) which is of no help at all, considering there’s a slight chance we may not even be living here anymore in September. We’ve found ONE place that we visited on Friday, but I admit I’m having a bit of a freak out over it. How will I know if something there isn’t right? How will I know she’s being taken care of properly? Is it even possible for me to like anything that involves me not being with Bunny 24/7? We’re not planning on starting until March. But still – OMG this is too soon. We’re only going to do half days for now but I still am having a really hard time wrapping my head around it.
  • Plus – this shit’s expensive! So now I’m going to feel all sorts of pressure to “justify” the expense. I admit, it feels weird sending Bunny to day care when I work at home three days a week. I also know that it’s the best solution for my sanity. I need those few hours to GET SHIT DONE. I need a haircut. I need new glasses. We need to find a new apartment closer to work. And most importantly – I need to not be working until 1-2am every night.  It’s just hard no matter which way I look at it. The only upside is that I still have a month and a half to process it all. That is – assuming we actually decide this is the right place for Bunny. If that doesn’t happen – then we’re totally screwed. At least in the short term until we move. If we ever find the time to find a new place. Sigh.
  • I admit, I’ve been having a shitty week. One of Shmerson’s Twitter followers is in the process of losing her twins at 22 weeks. She reached out and I’ve been doing my best to support her, and I’m REALLY glad I can be there for her. Being able to help like this gives losing Nadav some meaning. But it’s making me think about him. A lot. Exactly a month from today will be two years. In a lot of ways it still feels so raw. This week he’s especially at the forefront of my thoughts.
  • On top of that, Bunny’s having a bit of a tough time. Some digestive issues (no poop talk, I promise), and I think her first tooth may be coming in because she’s been visibly in pain. I hate seeing that so much. I feel so helpless sometimes when I don’t know how to help her.
  • All of this is making me even more sleep deprived, which I think is kind of amplifying it all.
  • Ok, I didn’t mean to get whiny. Generally things are AMAZING. The new job has given me a real sense of stability after being a freelancer for so long, and I have this amazing little person in my life who makes me endlessly happy. We just need to take some steps to lighten the load on me a bit. We’ll get there in the end. Things are never perfect. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned is that everything is temporary – both good and bad.
  • So I’ll try to spend this week focusing on the good. (And attempting to ignore the copious amounts of caffeine I’ve been consuming. )
  • And enjoying every moment of my amazing little girl.


Hope all of you out there in bloggy-land are doing well! How are you all? Tell me in the comments!


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