Tag Archives: Conversations with myself

This is me NOT being self flagellating. No. Really. I swear.

28 Sep

Me: Our pants don’t fit anymore.

Me: I know. I’m ok with that. It’s a side-effect of the Cym.balta, and um, you know, the fact that we had surgery a month and a half ago. And that we’ve been pregnant 3 times in the last year.

Me: So? We’re fat. I want to hate us now. Can I hate us?

Me: Nope. Not doing that anymore. We are learning patience and forgiveness for not being perfect.

Me: Ok. So we’re not mad at ourselves for the fat thing?

Me: Nope.

Me: What about resolving to completely overhaul our eating habits NOW and do a 180? We should totally do that!

Me: Not gonna happen.

Me: But why? I love it when we do that!

Me: But then we fail and hate ourselves.

Me: So? That’s my favorite part!

Me: Not gonna happen.

Me: Ok. Fine. Can we be mad at ourselves for not going to yoga then?

Me: Nope. Things are too busy and crazy right now for that. it’s ok if we don’t go back to yoga for a while.

Me: Ok – how about the fact that we got home at 4pm today and did NOTHING and the house is a mess?

Me: Nope. It was a long day and we needed a break to veg and do nothing. Plus, there’s not much point in cleaning. We’re starting to pack next week so the house will be a wreck anyway.

Me: Oh come on! I need a reason to hate on us! I can’t stand this whole acceptance thing! It’s totally against everything we stand for!

Me: Not anymore sweetheart. We’re all content and at peace and shit.

Me: Come on, throw me a bone here!

Me: Fine. Here’s one: We’ve been really crappy at keeping up with the blogs this week. And it’s ICLW.

Me: Oh! Yep! We totally have! Yay! Can I flagellate us now?

Me: Fine. Go ahead.

Me: *jumps up and down with excitement and runs to grab the whip*

Me: We have a problem, seriously. Well – you do at least.

PS – Happy birthday BB! Love you!

PPS – Even though things are crazy, I’ll still have time for Group Therapy Thursday this week! Don’t just sit there –submit your question! 🙂

PPSS – Shana Tova to all of you Jewish-type people in blog land! Hope this year brings good news for all of us! And stuff! And things!

Virtual Treasure and Angry Birds

1 Aug

Me: Ahhhhhhh!!!!!

Me: Stop it.

Me: No! I’m freaking out!

Me: Stop it.

Me: Poof! I stopped it.

Me: Good.

Me: Dude, I didn’t really. Come on, you should know better. Can I go back to screaming now?

Me: No. Tell me what’s wrong.

Me: You know very well. We’re going in for surgery on Thursday. SURGERY!

Me: Thousands of people do it every day.

Me: Don’t care.

Me: It’s perfectly safe. You’ll be asleep the entire time.

Me: With a tube stuck down my throat! That’s not sleep. That’s torture!

Me: You won’t even know it’s there!

Me: Ahhhhhh!!!!!

Me: What now?

Me: I won’t even know it’s there! No control! Can we run away? Please?

Me: No. We’ve got to do this.

Me: Why?

Me: You know what we’ve been doing the last few days?

Me: Watching too much reality TV and feeling useless?

Me: Yes, that.

Me: What about it?

Me: We do that when we’re depressed or anxious.

Me: No shit, Sherlock.

Me: Now what has been the primary cause of this depression and anxiety?

Me: You being a pain in my ass?

Me: No. Try again.

Me: Me being a pain in your ass?

Me: That too. But dig deeper.

Me: The baby thing?

Me: Yes. The baby thing.

Me: What does that have to do with us getting cut open and being completely in other people’s control for HOURS? HOURS!!!!

Me: Breathe. Remember last month when we were TTC and sitting at home depressed because we were scared of another ectopic?

Me: Yeah. That sucked. But that How I Met Your Mother marathon was nice.

Me: Yes, that was nice. But you also spent a few too many hours hunting for virtual treasure on FB.

Me: That was fun!

Me: No it’s dumb. It’s a waste of our time and… Well, I would say energy but it mostly involves clicking.

Me: Ok. I’ll give you that.

Me: And the fact that we got three stars on all the levels of Angry Birds Seasons?

Me: It was awesome!

Me: No. It was unsatisfying. It was us being depressed.

Me: But the birds! And the piggies! And the golden eggs!

Me: You’re deluding yourself.

Me: So? What’s your point?

Me: My point is – get through this week. Make it to the lap. Get through it.

Me: But I don’t wanna!

Me: Do you want babies?

Me: Babies?

Me: Yes, babies.

Me: Babies! Babies! Babies! Babies!

Me: See now I’ve got your attention.

Me: Babies! Babies! Babies… huh?

Me: This will help us get the babies.

Me: Are you sure?

Me: No. But it’s a place to start.

Me: You promise we’ll be OK?

Me: I promise.

Me: And can we at least spend some of this week trying to get 3 stars on Angry Birds Rio?

Me: Yes. I’ll even let you hunt for some virtual treasure. But after that – to the lap we go!

Me: Ahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

Me: This is a lost cause….

Debbie Downer

20 Jul

A post over on Keiko’s blog prompted me to go sifting through my archives a bit. I’ve been kind of off lately in terms of my blogging mojo. I’ve been wondering about it quite a bit. I used to post about once a day. Now it’s down to about twice a week. And it’s not that things aren’t going on. I have a life outside of the blocked tube, and it used to be that every little blip in my life would get written up here in some form. So what happened?

I think I have a tendency toward extremes. A lot of talk at my therapist’s office lately has been aimed at this particular space. Not in a bad way, per se, but in terms of how it had taken over my life almost completely. For example, in regards to my career, instead of examining realistic options, I would always just go to “I wish I could just make a living off of my blog.” My social life – all bloggy friends. My communication with real life friends – through here as well. It was taking over every aspect of my life.

So naturally, because I am a woman of extremes, as soon as this was pointed out to me, I immediately stopped blogging. Which really, is just plain silly. Balance. It’s a good lesson, don’t you think? Wish I’d learn it sometime.

I used to log on every night, pop on some Florence and the Machine and just type type type away. Even when I didn’t know where I was going with a post. Even when I didn’t have any readers, this space was a place for me to work through stuff. Lately it hasn’t been.

Honestly? I think it’s because I’m not working through stuff in general. I mean, I’m trying, but there are things I just don’t want to confront right now. I’ve been genuinely concerned about my own emotional well-being, and instead of working on it, I’ve just been obsessing quietly about it in my head. Which isn’t really healthy at all, is it?

I guess because now I know people actually read my ranty little musings I’m afraid of being a downer. Which is so stupid, because that’s just how I am in real life – always afraid to burden others – and I came to this place as an outlet for my feelings, a place where I won’t feel like a burden to others.

So I’m officially giving myself permission to post even if I am a downer in the near future. I apologize in advance. I’m going through some stuff.

Though I promise to throw in an occasional animated gif or snarky rant. Because you guys deserve a little something for putting up with my current Debbie Downer status.

Coming up tomorrow: I’m going to Twofer’s office to beg for a (possibly) unnecessary surgical procedure! We’re gonna come to a decision about Ole’ righty this week. It’s time. The stabbing pains in my lower abdomen demand it. Do they make animated gifs for stabby pains? I’ll have to look into that.

In the meantime, here’s an unbalanced bunny. Cause bunnies are cute.

Until tomorrow!

Fallback Position

18 Jul

Me: I’m a little worried about our career.

Me: Baby! Baby! Baby!

Me: Stop it! I’m trying to have a serious conversation here!

Me: Baby! Baby! Baby! Leave me alone! I’m too busy imagining an inflated belly and shopping for baby clothes.

Me: But we have stuff to figure out. Money stuff, apartment stuff, future stuff.

Me: Nah – don’t think about that. Think about babies. Babies are cute!

Me: Dude, seriously – real life is calling. We have shit to do.

Me: Screw that. Can we watch some reality shows about preggos?

Me: No. We need to find a new job.

Me: I don’t wanna!

Me: We made a decision. It was a good decision. Now let’s get our shit together.

Me: No! Baby! Baby! Baby!

Me: I think I get it.

Me: You never get anything.

Me: No, seriously hear me out. Have you thought that perhaps you’re just so used to obsessing about a baby that you can’t fathom the idea that the next couple of months will be TTC-Frenzy free?

Me: *plugs ears* Lalalalalalalalala!!!!

Me: No more escaping from real life because of the baby thing! Come on! We can do this! It’s time to get a life.

Me: LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!!!

Me: I give up.

Me: *evil laugh*

Baby-Crazy 2 (Electric Boogaloo?)

11 Mar

Me: Hey! HEY! What are you doing?

Me: The happy dance! What – you have a problem with happy dances now?

Me: No – but I’m going through serious withdrawal over here. Why are you doing the happy dance all of the sudden?

Me: BABY! BABY! BABY! BABY! Aunt Flo’s about to leave, we’re no longer smoking. IT’S BABY TIME *does the electric slide*

Me: Ehem – um – don’t you remember that we’re supposed to feel trepidation and all that good stuff? You know? Not get our hopes up? Be afraid of having another miscarriage? Just in general – be scared out of our wits?

Me: yeah that’s your job. *Moonwalks*

Me: Can you at least do a dance that was invented after the 1980s?

Me: Okay!

Me: Oh dear.

Me: HEEEEEY MACARENA! AAAAAYE!

Me: Dude. Calm. The heck. Down.

Me: No! I refuse! I will continue to be delusional as long as I possibly can!

Me: Dude – we have to look at all our fears in this. You know – the possible complications, how we’re gonna support the kid if we manage to carry it to term – the trepidation, the uncertainty. The xanax withdrawal.

Me: Screw you! I am staying in the happy place as long as I possibly can. Now you can either join me or go away. Because I refuse to be in nicotine withdrawal AND be all worried about our next pregnancy ok? I am embracing my baby crazy. Now either embrace it along with me – or go away.

Me: But –

Me: Baby baby baby ooooh. Like baby baby oohhhh. We’re trying for a baby baby baby ohhhh….

Me: (OMG she’s singing Justin Bieber. this is bad)

Me:

Me: (ok – at least she’s back to No Doubt. Progress)

Me:

Me: NO! NO! ANYTHING BUT THE BIEBSTER AGAIN!

Me: Ok. I promise I’ll stop the Bieber

Me: Whew. Ok. good. Thanks.

Me: But – on one condition.

Me: It’s never easy with you – is it?

Me: BABY! BABY! BABY!

Me: What’s your condition?

Me: That’s it. Calm the heck down – just give us this little bit of joy. Then you can get back to your old mopey self. Come on!

Me: baby. baby. baby.

Me: I CAN’T HEAR YOU!!!!

Me: BABY! BABY! BABY!

Me: Ahh that’s better.

Me: (I guess I’ll let her win. Just this once).

You Are Now a Non-Smoker

8 Mar

Dear Me,

You have spent the last 5 months working hard to improve your life. It was hard at times, but today, you feel better than you have in years. You have finally become sensitive to your feelings, and to your body. You are taking care of yourself. You are calmer, and happier than you have been in years. You are moving your career forward at an amazing pace, with a newfound sense of motivation.

You are at the final hurdle. The one final act that will make you come full circle. No – things will not be perfect – life never is. But if you succeed in doing this one final thing – if you never smoke another cigarette in your life – you will officially be on the path to true health.

Whenever you want a cigarette from now on – please read the following reasons why you quit in the first place, so that you don’t fall back into the trap of this disgusting addiction, which has taken too big a part in your adult life.

  1. Heart disease and high cholesterol run in your family. You already have high blood pressure as a result of your pack a day habit. You want to live a long healthy life. If you never smoke again – that is far more likely to happen. Within a few years, the tar and poison will completely leave your body. You have yet to do permanent damage. But if you return to smoking – you just might.
  2. You spend more money on cigarettes per month than you do on your therapist. When you and Shmerson wrote out your budget a few weeks ago – that is the exact amount of money you were missing. Now you will break even. And with the newfound energy that you have, you will soon be earning more.
  3. Your anxiety is caused by nicotine, not relieved by it. Just the mere thought of quitting has brought you to near panic attacks in the last few days, when you hadn’t had one in months. You’re afraid of dying? Here’s a way of assuring it will happen sooner rather than later: Keep on smoking. Oh? You don’t want that to happen? Ok. Take a xanax and shut the hell up.
  4. Remember right before your wedding? You went to the dentist and asked him to bleach your teeth. He said there was no point in doing that, since you’re still a smoker. Now you look at your wedding pics and feel terrible about your yellow teeth. In a few months you can go back to the dentist, get your teeth whitened, and this time it will stick.
  5. Remember that period of ten months where you were a non-smoker? Yes – the first couple of weeks were hard. But – do you also remember how much easier it was for you to wake up in the morning as a non-smoker once that crap was out of your body? How much more easily you slept? How shmerson complimented you on your complexion? And there were stressful times in the middle of that period. And you got though them just fine, thank you very much.
  6. You have had two miscarriages. There is a good chance that the reason for your second one was, amongst other things, your smoking. Do you remember the guilt you felt? The pain at the thought that your filthy habit may have in some way contributed to your loss? You may miscarry again. If that happens – and you are a non-smoker – you can be assured that this will not be your fault. You will not have to deal with endless hours of guilt and self-flagellation.
  7. You want to get pregnant. And soon. this means that you will have to quit anyway once you get a BFP. Do you really want the stress of quitting to come right along with the stress of early pregnancy? Of course not. So go do some sun salutations and get over yourself.
  8. Don’t think for a moment that you will go back to smoking once you give birth to a healthy baby. First of all – you want more than one – and do you really want to put yourself through torture again? Second of all – you are quitting not only because you want to have a healthy pregnancy. You are quitting because you are finally learning to respect your body. You deserve health. Yes you do. Don’t argue with me on that. That little panic you’re feeling? That’s that little voice in your head telling you that you are not good enough. You are. Get over yourself.
  9. Plus – don’t forget that children of parents who smoke are more likely to become smokers themselves. Just look at yourself. Both your parents were at one point smokers. Your mother still is. You and your brother would give them hell when you were kids. Now you are both pack-a-day smokers. Don’t do this to your future children.
  10. How many times have you taken a drag of a cigarette and had that creeping feeling: “you’re killing yourself slowly” you’ve felt it thousands of times. You will never have to have that feeling again.
  11. How many times have you felt uncomfortable about lighting up? Most of your friends are non-smokers. You will no longer feel the need to apologize for your filthy habit.
  12. How many times has Shmerson wanted to kiss you passionately and you pulled away – because you knew your mouth tasted like a filthy ashtray? This will never happen again. Isn’t that awesome?
  13. You are publishing this. Everybody will read it. If you fail – you will have hell to pay from the amazing women who come on here and support you every day. Don’t disappoint them.
  14. Shmerson loves you, and wants you to stick around for a very long time. He hates that you smoke. It hurts him. He is an amazing husband. He does not deserve to be hurt in this way.
  15. You are strong. This may be hard. But only for a few days. Maybe a couple of weeks. You’ve been to hell and back this past year. This is nothing compared to that. Remember to keep that in perspective.
  16. You’re quitting! Do you know what this means? This means that you can try to have a baby again! This is amazing news! Rejoice in it! Embrace it.
  17. As I’m writing this, future me, I am smoking a cigarette. It smells bad. I have a headache and it’s not making it any better. I’m coughing. It tastes terrible. You don’t need to smoke another one to prove that to yourself. You now have it in writing.

Tomorrow morning you will wake up a non-smoker. You are scared – but that is just your addiction talking. The other half of you is rejoicing. Embrace that.

You will be a non-smoker.  You will be a non-smoking mommy. You will love and respect your body. Because you deserve it. Whenever you have a weak moment – shut your eyes and think that a year from now – you could be holding a beautiful baby in your arms. And this is your first step. And even if that baby doesn’t come as fast as you’d like it too – you know you have done everything possible in your power to make it come. You will be guilt free, because you are smoke free.

Good Luck!

Love,

Me

Life Is Happening

7 Mar

Me: Hey! Over here! It’s blogging time!

Me: Wait! I’m watching “Top Model”

Me: What’s your deal with reality TV? Don’t you think you watch just a teeny-tiny bit too much of it?

Me: Shut up! You watch it too.

Me: Fine.

Me: So what are we blogging about?

Me: Good question.

Me: a) since when do you pay me compliments? And b) aren’t you supposed to be the one with all the answers?

Me: a) Shut up. and b) Shut up.

Me: Wait – wait – you’re bitter too? This is new.

Me: I’m not bitter. I just don’t have all of the answers all of the time. So what would you like to blog about?

Me: Dude, I don’t know. Nothing much happened today. Can we blog about how bad Tyra Banks’ French accent is?

Me: Um – sure – but that would take like – one sentence and you just said that. Don’t you have any more practical ideas?

Me: Since when am I the practical one? What’s up with you? I mean – not that I mind or anything – this indecisive version of you is rather intriguing. Definitely more fun. Hey! Whaddaya say we ditch the blogging and go chain smoke and eat junk food?

Me: Don’t push your luck.

Me: Darn it. I knew I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up.

Me: And why chain smoke?

Me: Cause we’re quitting tomorrow.

Me: Yes and…?

Me: Well – I’m freaking out about it!

Me: Chill. it’s for a good cause.

Me: Really? if we want it so badly – why did we almost have a panic attack just at the thought of it today?

Me: because it’s scary. It means LIFE IS HAPPENING

Me: Yes. And I would much rather crawl into a ball and watch stupid reality tv while chain smoking and chomping down on cheese fries. Mmmmm…. Cheese fries….

Me: I am not letting you win. We got over the potential panic attack today and we will get over it again tomorrow.

Me: *lights up*

Me: enjoy it while you can.

Me: oh we’ll see who wins this one. *puff*

Me: Dude – it ain’t gonna be you.

Me: don’t use that folksy language with me. You know you can’t pull it off.

Me: Fine. My dear self, you are going to be on the losing end of this battle. In 24 hours we will smoke our last cigarette. Ever. That’s it. Done. Over. Finite Incatatum.

Me: *puff*

Me: *cough*

Me: *takes a drag*

Me: yeah – I think that’s enough for tonight.

Pfff

3 Mar

Me: We should really post something

Me: *yawn*

Me: But stuff happened! And things too!

Me: Sleepy.

Me: I feel like we’ve had this conversation before.

Me: Yes – because you’re a nag.

Me: Hey! That was mean

Me: pffff

Me: What does that mean?

Me: You know – it’s like 😛 only not smiling and making fart-like noises

Me: I can’t believe you just said fart-like noises. And how is that pfffff?

Me: I don’t know. Leave me alone. I’m tired.

Me: *Pointing* Look! A double rainbow!

Me: Where?!? *runs away*

Ok – now that we’ve gotten rid of her. Today was a pretty great day. Nothing specific. Just got some amazing chocolate in the mail (thanks, Marie!), and had a quiet evening at home with the hubby.

Plus, of course, there was a good therapy session followed by an appointment with the Harley Hottie. So yeah. Good stuff. Things looking up.

But I am beat.

Me: *Runs back* Hey! You lied! There wasn’t a double rainbow!

Me: *whispers* Shoot. We’re not going to be able to pull that one again.

Me: Did you say something?

Me: Eh-hem. No.

Me: yawn. Can we go to bed now?

Me: Fine. But let me finish watching idol first.

Me: Ok. I can live with Idol.

Me: At least we agree on something.

I didn’t mean to blog right now, really!

25 Feb

Me: What the frak is your deal?

Me: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Me: Didn’t we tell Courtney on skype that we were going to pop on an episode of Law and Order and get some flippin’ sleep? Like, two hours ago?

Me: Um, yeah. So – your point?

Me: My point is that we keep on doing this! What’s so difficult about going to bed when you start yawning and feeling sleepy?

Me: I dunno. It was a crazy day and I was fried.

Me: Well so was I! So why the frak aren’t we GOING TO SLEEP?

Me: Well, for one thing, we’re blogging right now.

Me: Ha ha. Very funny.

Me: It’s one of my many talents.

Me: Oh shut the frak up and let’s go to bed.

Me:Why are you using frak? Battlestar Galactica withdrawal again?

Me: Don’t change the subject! Go. To. Sleep!

Me: But I don’t wanna! I wanna play stupid games on facebook!

Me: No – you want to get a good night’s sleep because we have a writing deadline coming up in FOUR DAYS and we’ve been so swamped with work that we haven’t had a chance to do a rewrite.

Me; Look! my pumpkins are ready to harvest!

Me: Look! my eyes are droopy!

Me: oh – I just hit “like” and got free seeds! yay!

Me: you are lame.

Me: *click click click*

Me: Hey! Look over there! It’s a cute bunny! *points away from the computer*

Me: Bunny? Did you say bunny? Where? *goes away to look for the non-existent bunny*

Me: *Snores*

 

Deep Thoughts

23 Feb

I’m completely exhausted, probably a combo of too many carbs and looking at databases all day (yeah, I had to do that again. yay!), and the fact that I’ve had on this stupid BP monitoring cuff on me all day. It’s hella-annoying, and it’s the second time I’ve had to do this in the last two months because the first time the machine went all wonky and the readings weren’t accurate. So yay! I have the pleasure of having to keep my left arm still every half hour while a gizmo makes vibrator-type-noises and cuts off my circulation. Fun times!

So I’m keeping up with my post a day, but this is going to most likely be incoherent, silly, and a little strange. Trysts into my effed-up mind usually are.

So – here is a list of random thoughts going through my head lately:

  1. Why is it that even though I have been eating relatively healthy over the past couple of months, I still find myself wanting a doughnut, like, once a day? I mean, I love doughnuts, and I admit they’re hard to get a hold of here – but I think I’m going a bit overboard. Confession – I did manage to locate and buy a chocolate and sprinkle covered doughnut today. Hopefully that should keep me covered for a while. Mmmm…. Doughnuts. 
  2. I don’t know why, but each time I see a reality show with “the next great” whatever in the title I feel compelled to watch it. This month it’s been “The next great baker” and “Oprah’s search for the next great pimp of kohl’s products”. Wait. That title can’t be right… I honestly believe that if they made a reality show titled “The next great water boiler” I would watch and root for the guy who makes the mistake of sitting and watching the pot. Ok, now I’m really not making any sense.
  3. I love cooking with garlic, but I hate the way it makes my hands smell. I feel like it takes days to wash off. This is a problem because we go through about 3 heads of garlic a week with my recipes, and I don’t like being smelly. Though it is useful for keeping imaginary vampires at bay.
  4. I watch a lot of TV – mostly in the background while I’m doing other stuff (one of the pluses of working from home). I still don’t understand, however, despite my ample tv watching options, why I continue to put myself through the torture that is S&i! My Dad Says. I just heard they’re probably renewing it for another season. Why oh why CBS? And worse – why oh why me?
  5. My nephew started singing “Baby Baby Ohh” or whatever that Justin Bieber song is over the weekend. He’s six and he doesn’t speak a lick of English. Then today I find a headline on an Israeli news site about JB’s new haircut. Yes, a HEADLINE. About a teeny-bopper’s haircut. I believe this officially means that Bieber Fever has gone global. Now, if someone can please explain to me why that is, I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks.
  6. It’s a crappy cell phone pic, but due to popular demand, here is the giant earring I recently blogged about: 
  7. It’s huge, it’s fabulous, it’s gaudy, there aren’t two of them (as in the other ear is usually adorned by a simple, silver flower or butterfly stud), and I love it. I am apparently obsessed with huge epic jewelry. In case you’re curious, it’s a clip on, because putting that thing in a hole would most likely tear my ear off, and it reaches past my shoulder.
  8. We have been living in our new/old apartment for almost four months now. There are still 4 boxes which have not been unpacked, and I don’t think we’ve done even one decent clean up of the place. I know it’s terrible. I think it’s because we know we’ll be moving out soon (though we haven’t started looking for a new place yet). But still, Shmerson and I need to do a clean-a-thon, stat.
  9. I went to see the Harley Hottie yesterday and I mentioned my blog in passing. At the end of the needle-sticking session he asked me for the address, because apparently he likes blogs. I gave it to him, and had no choice but to admit the nickname I came up with for him. He blushed, it was cute. Since I gave him the blog address I’ve noticed an unusually high amount of hits on that post. Methinks HH is showing off. :-). Even if he isn’t, it would be very adorable if he was. (HH, if you’re reading this, when I see you on wed. let’s pretend this post never happened, k? Ok.)
  10. Pause for temporary loss of circulation in my left arm… and… we’re back!
  11. I think I’m done. But you know what sucks? I was totally planning on going to bed right after posting this, and now my tired has gone away. I hate when that happens. I think I’ll attempt to sleep anyway by popping an ep of law and order on the computer. It usually does the trick. Let’s just hope that my circulation getting cut off every half an hour will not impede my beauty sleep.
  12. I didn’t manage to get a wink of sleep the last time I had this gizmo attached to my arm, so wish me luck!
  13. What’s my deal with numbering everything? I am anything but organized (except when it comes to weddings), and yet I am constantly compelled to make lists on this blog. Isn’t that weird? (It’s like we’re looking at Wayne’s basement, only that’s not Waynes basement!)
  14. Courtney, those last parentheses were a welcome back gift especially for you.
  15. I really am just about done now.
  16. No, really I am.
  17. I just like to keep on numbering stuff.
  18. So I’ll go until 20, because that seems nice and round.
  19. Why is it that when I wrote “nice and round” I immediately thought that it sounded dirty?
  20. Ok – that last one is proof that I need to get my gizmoed-up ass to bed.
  21. Good night!
  22. Ok – 22 then. That’ll do.

Urgh

18 Feb

Me: I want my internet back!

Me: you know, this would be the moment where I’m supposed to tell you that it’s healthy that you’re disconnected for a while, and it’s not so bad. It’s only till sunday.

Me: Me want internet! Me want internet now!

Me: you realize that this means we either have to hang out at the parents’ or at cafes?

Me: I don’t care! INTERNET! INTERNET!

Me: and you’re so excited when you’re finally online we can’t concentrate enough to write a decent blog post.

Me: Um – we can’t concentrate because we have either our parents or some waiter breathing down our necks. But it’s worth it!  INTERNET! INTERNET!

Me: Yeah, I’m kidding myself. INTERNET! INTERNET! INTERNET!

Me: I’m glad you’re finally seeing things my way. INTERNET! INTERNET! INTERNET!

Me: (for some reason I have a feeling that letting her win will come back to bite me in the ass).

Me: did you say something?

Me: Um – no! of course not! INTERNET! INTERNET! INTERNET!

Editor’s note: we promise to be back with our regularly scheduled blog posts on Sunday. Until then you will have to put up with our endless whining. Our sincerest apologies.

Three Weeks! Get Off Your Freakin’ Butt!

8 Feb

Ok – a conversation with myself is coming up, but first, two non-related things that I wanted to share with you and don’t justify a whole separate post.

1) I made an appointment today with a tattoo artist for March 1st. I’m really excited about it, actually. It really feels right to do this. Though the poor guy answering the phone was a bit freaked out by how adamant I was to get this precise date. Ahh well, I guess they don’t get many recurrent miscarriers wanting to memorialize their lost babies on their intended due date.

Aaaand moving on to a lighter note:

2) warning – this is a cute story but a: it’s most likely NSFW, so read fast b: if you are a guy who is reading this, well, skip over this next part because it is TMI (I’m talking to you, big brother o’mine! Me0me, rolig, you can probably handle it).

So inspired by a post Elphaba put up a while ago I am using sanitary pads now in lieu of tampons. Just so you understand this in context – I even used to sleep with tampons. This is how much I hated pads. But when Aunt Flo showed up this week I decided to give the napkins a whirl. It’s been a bit awkward to say the least.

So I get out of the shower and realize I didn’t bring underwear with me. I ask shmerson to bring me a pair so that I can put on a pad and not “drip all over the floor”.

He answers: Gross.

I answer: Listen – that stuff coming out of my hooch is the same stuff your child will be made in, so you better learn to love it.

After nearly choking on his apple juice, he mentions that it was rather remarkable that I can say that to him without feeling embarrassed (as in – hey we’re a pretty cool couple to be that open with each other). I said – ha! I’ll go even better! I’ll post it on my blog! I believe he was skeptical that I was actually going to do it. (thank goodness this thing is anonymous).

Not sure how much he’s going to like reading about this in the morning. (Shmerson I love you, you love me – now learn to love my many discharges).

Ok big bro – you can start reading from here.

Now on to the main event…..

Me: You do realize that you have three weeks to go before that big development grant deadline?

Me: mmmhmmm.

Me: hey! Listen up!

Me: mmmm what? Oh, sorry I had a long day and I was watching scrubs. What were you saying?

Me: urgh. I was saying that there are three weeks to go before we have to turn in a five page synopsis, and you promised me that we would spend the weekend watching “Go”, “Rashomon” and “The Usual Suspects” for some inspiration on story structure.

Me; yeah, so? we’ve seen them already. Me tired. Me want to watch Zach Braff making silly faces.

Me: We watched them ages ago, and we need to watch them in context. And we need to get this thing written! Come on – we actually have a good shot at this grant if we get this done. It’s for a movie AIMED AT TEENAGERS. This is what we do, remember? It’s our thing. Now get off your scrubs kick and go watch some Kirosawa!

Me: But it’s Japanese and black and white. Bo-ring!

Me: It’s a masterpiece. you know that. What’s your deal?

Me: *whiny* I don’t wanna write!

Me: You’re writing right now.

Me: yeah, but this doesn’t count. This isn’t my career.

Me: ahh – I get it.

Me: What – the joke Zach Braff just said? of course you do – it’s kind of easy. he’s imagining chocolate land, and turk is there, so he breaks off turk’s hand and eats it….

Me: Yo! stop changing the subject! You are terrified aren’t you?

Me: Of Zach Braff? Nahh he’s pretty cute.

Me: No – you are terrified of getting back to writing real stuff. Movies. You know – those things they screen  in public, and they have your name on them right where it says “written and directed by..”

Me: Oh, yeah. That.

Me: come on, admit it. You’re scared.

Me: ok. fine. I’m close to peeing my pants here.

Me: Well get over it!

Me: Easier said than done, homeskillet.

Me: We can’t pull that nickname off.

Me: Ok fine. Stil….

Me: let’s just admit we’re terrified and take it one step at a time. Will you agree to watch Rashomon tomorrow?

Me: no. Black and white. Subtitles. Blech.

Me: Ok fine. Let’s start small. “Go” has drugs and partying. Light an fluffy. No subtitles. Can we start with that? No writing. Just research. And I’ll even let you eat some oreos.

Me: with milk?

Me: yes.

Me: Ok. Deal.

PS – I just noticed that this is my hundredth post! Woohoo! yay me!! 🙂

The Upside of 2 Miscarriages

7 Feb

Yes – your eyes are not deceiving you. I’m four months after the 2nd MC, and less than a month away from my first due date. There’s been a lot of bitching, yearning, wishing, and moaning on this blog, but I think it’s time to look at the upside. I’m not a “glass half full” person usually, but since I’m making a huge effort to improve my life, I want to see what this half full thing is all about for a change. So here we go – the upside of having 2 miscarriages:

1) Anesthesia Shmanesthesia!

My first pregnancy was a blighted ovum, and I needed a D&C under general anesthesia. I had never had to have that in my life, and it scared the crap out of me. Now that I’ve been through it once, I know that I’ll feel better about it if I have to go through it again.

2) From on the fence to all aboard

Shmerson and I decided to TTC together, but when I got my first BFP, he seemed a bit apprehensive and unsure about it all. After the first MC, he realized how much he really wanted to, and was ready to be, a father.

3) Love Thy Body

I never really took good care of myself. Smoking, caffeine, not exercising enough, yo-yo weight loss and gain. I was never really “connected” to my body. Even before getting pregnant for the first time, it was an issue I was contending with. Going through this has made me take a serious look at how I treat my body, and has made me work on treating it better. So far, I’ve cut my caffeine intake in half, I go to yoga 2-3 times a week, and I have a plan in place to quit smoking for good. I’ve had blood tests done for the first time in about a decade, and I’m very aware of every message my body sends me. It means I spend just a bit too much time on Dr. Go Ogle, but I am treating my body with respect for the first time in my life, more or less.

4) De-nile is once again only a river in Egypt (current political situation notwithstanding)

Hitting the inevitable wall of my existential crisis has made me deal with my mental health issues properly for the first time. I’m more aware of my mood swings, I’m taking care of what I can from a happy-pill perspective, but more importantly, I am, for the first time examining what lies beneath my anxiety and depression.

5) Hi life, nice to meet you!

I have learned that quick decisions will most likely lead to heartbreak and regret, and I understand the importance of thinking small. Not every decision has to be one that changes my life, and not every decision has to come from a place of pure practicality or pure fantasy. In short – I’m finally living my own life, rather than imagining another one while living something that is making me unhappy.

Even more importantly, I have stopped denying myself the pleasure that is spending time with the people I love. My family, and my amazing friends who have stuck by me through all of this (I know you’re reading this – I love you guys!)

6) Scenes from a Marriage

I have not been a picnic during these last 7 months. And shmerson and I have only been married for 8. This basically means that most of the first year of our marriage will always be remembered as one of the most difficult times in my life, and his as well, I’m sure. However, the fact that we’re still together, we’re still honest with each other, we still take care of each other, and we still love each other proves that we can get through almost anything and make it to the other side together.

7) Me, meet Me. It’s time you got to know each other.

Me: remember when we used to be completely detached from our feelings?

Me: yeah, that kinda sucked for us.

Me: yep. it did.

Me: it still kind of sucks because sometimes I’m not sure if we’re making decisions for ourselves or for the approval of the people around us.

Me: That’s true. But at least now we’re looking into it. That’s progress.

Me: Good point.

Me: Hey! look at that! We finally agree on something!

Me: *sneaks off to watch “16 and pregnant”*

Me: hey – come back here! We’re not done blogging yet.

Me: right. Ok.

8 ) Embracing the Process, Finding Perspective

I’m in a battle every day. For my sanity, for my identity, for my future, and for my family. I’m fighting to regain myself. I’m fighting to re-build myself, brick by brick. It’s a battle, but within that I have a new sense of perspective. I have always been a drama queen. Now that I know what real drama is, my imaginary dramas very rarely take over my life. It’s a battle I’m embracing. It’s a battle I’m celebrating. I’ve discovered strength I never believed I had, and I am beginning to accept and forgive my weaknesses.

9) This Blog O’mine, These Ladies O’mine

As a person who has been introducing herself as a writer/director for the last decade or so, I admit, I’ve done very little writing in the last few years. I lost my passion for it. This blog, which was started from a place of darkness and despair, has now rekindled my passion for writing. I look forward to every word I write and publish here. I have small moments of victory when I know I’ve come up with something funny or profound. But more importantly, I am teaching myself to create without judgement. I publish my crappy posts. I publish my good posts. I don’t judge myself, I just write.

About two weeks into this blog, when I thought I was only writing for myself and a tiny handful of friends, SLC from Holy Crap! commented on one of my posts. I thought to myself “who is this chick and how the heck did she find me?”, and then I thought “thank goodness that she did.” She was my doorway into the amazing community and support that I have found here. She was my first shoulder, my first light at the end of the tunnel, and the first person in the world I found who just “got it.” I will always be grateful to her for this, and I am so happy to say that beyond this blog, I have found her as a true friend for life. (sorry lady, you’re stuck with me and you know it!)

And she was just the first. She was my foot in the door.

From there came Elphaba (aka the funniest and one of the most profound writers I have ever had the pleasure of reading, not to mention an all-around awesome chick), Bodega Bliss (my sister from another mother), Marie (my voice of reason, who always gives the best advice ever), Hemlock (the “can you please stop writing everything that’s going on in my head?” lady), Kristin (my purple-haired, generous role model for supporting other women in our little community), Missohkay (my ray of hope in the face of  being not exactly IF) and so so so many other amazing women (it would take dozens of posts to mention  all of you, but know that you are loved, and man, is this feeling like an oscar speech or what? I’d like to thank the Academy while I’m at it). These women, you amazing women, who make me laugh, make me cry, and most of all, make me feel like I am not alone – to say that you are awesome, amazing, inspiring, and all-around spectacular is an understatement.

I never really believed that something as simple as a blog would make me discover a whole new community. Would make me feel so loved. You ladies will forever mean the world to me. Sorry I’m gushing. It happens on occasion. You all do it too sometimes so there. 🙂

10) When the day finally comes….

That I hold a baby in my arms, that will be mine, no matter what journey Shmerson and I take to get there, I will truly and fully appreciate the miracle. I will fully understand and acknowledge, and feel eternally grateful to hold that blessing in my arms.

I guess the glass is even a bit more than half full.

sleepy time?

30 Jan

Me: Why are you making us blog? I’m soo sooo soooooo tired!

Me: Well, we have to post once a day, remember?

Me: what did we sign that in blood or something?

Me: No but we promised ourselves.

Me: *yawn*

Me: plus we have to thank Elphaba for giving us a bloscar!

Me: She’ll wait. We just spent 12 hours at a screenwriting master seminar on 3 hours sleep, and we have to do it all again tomorrow. Please please let us sleep!

Me: Ok – you can now, because we’ve made this a post and gotten it out of the way.

Me: Then why are we sill having this discussion? *yawn*

Me: beats me.

Me: Ok. Piss off then. Me sleep now.  *snore*

Me: Great now she’s snoring..

Me: *snore*

16 reasons why I should hate “16 and pregnant”

28 Jan

1) The very cheesy, very clearly scripted voice over. “I wanted to fit into my prom dress! Boy, this baby is turning out to be much more trouble than I thought it would be.”

2) Lines like “this baby is turning out to be much more trouble than I thought it would be.”

3) Kids coming from effed up homes that are bringing their own kids into the same effed up situation.

4) people staying in obviously loveless, sometimes semi-abusive relationships.

5) preggo girls in cute cheerleader outfits

6) preggo girls trying on prom dresses (see reasons 1 and 2)

7) freaked out teen dads saying things like “chillax” I always hated the word “chillax”, and now I hate it even more.

8 ) seeing super fertile fame hungry girls not appreciating how fertile they are

9) People with names like “Ocean” and “Cowboy”. Those are their real names. Really.

10) Incompetent fathers playing video games instead of changing diapers.

11) Big pregnant bellies

12) stupid parents not teaching their kids about birth control

13) stupid parents not supporting their kids’ (very wise) decision to give a baby up for adoption

14) Moms and their daughters being pregnant at the same time (that’s just wrong on so many levels)

15) knowing that these girls’ parents actually consented to having their children filmed

16) the supposed “educational value” of the show which has the pretense of saying “teen pregnancy is bad” but actually says “hey look kids! get pregnant and we’ll put you on TV!”

And yet I still watch it. It’s like crack.

Me: I thought we had a deal.

Me: Screw you and let me torture myself in peace.

Me: But that means you’re torturing me too!

Me: so? You’re annoying.

Career Day Freak Out

23 Jan

Ok – so some of you know that I’ve been slowly and quietly taking steps to cut the metaphorical chord with my dad and leave the family business.
I haven’t posted much about it in a while because it’s been sort of a slow simmer, but tomorrow (actually, like, 5 hours from now at this point) is kind of a huge day, and I have been quietly freaking out about it for the last 48 hours.
At first I thought it was yet another side effect of upping the zoloft dose. But no – I really think I’m just hella-scared.
Freak-out symptom number one: I realize that I have absolutely no appropriate clothes to wear, and obsess about it in my head for several hours. finally settle on a compromised ensemble that says both “quirky” and “professional” and am hoping for the best.
Freak out symptom two: I get detached, stare at mindless programming for several hours. This happens immediately after printing out two copies of my resume.
Freak out symptom three: I start googling “zoloft side effects” again.
Symptom four: despite the lovely little xanax I took a few hours ago, I have an anxiety attack while in the shower.
then I proceed to slipping on the last stair on the way down to bed, hurt my hip joint, and am now convinced that I’m going to limp into my meetings tomorrow looking like a freaking mess.
this was the point where I decided to “blog it out”

so what am I so jittery about, you ask?
Well – that’s the extremely stupid part. I’m nervous about 2 meetings, both of which would have been a piece of cake for the old me, but are now terrifying for the “What the heck am I going to do with my life” brand spanking new me.

Meeting number one:
There’s a community center in my town that does after school film programs for high school students. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about pursuing teaching for a bit to get my creative juices flowing, so since it’s the middle of the school year, I sent these guys my resume. I actually studied there for a while in high school. It’s a very cool place.
So last week they give me a call, hella-impressed with me (not bragging, it’s just what happened). The woman actually asked me “you do know you’re applying to teach high school kids, right?”
I said “yes! it’s exactly what I want to do right now!”
(which I guess is sort of a lie since i have no idea what i want to do but oh well).
So she was psyched, and I’m meeting up with them at 9:30 am (that would be about 7 hours from now, and I’m not even close to asleep. Very very bad me).
This would be a piece of cake meeting for me usually. Same with…
Meeting number 2:
There’s a headhunter that specializes in placing film and media people. She’s very exclusive and selective. My old boss recommended I get in touch and so I did. Once again, I received a gushing call that was hella-impressed with my credentials.
I’m meeting up with her tomorrow to discuss my goals and see what kind of gigs she can hook me up with.
Again – this should all be a piece of cake for me. I eat these kinds of meetings for breakfast.
WHY THE HELL AM I FREAKING OUT?
Me: it’s because you’re convinced that these meetings will forever seal your future. It’s a symptom of anxiety.
Me: But what if they will? Or what if they don’t like me? Or even worse – what if they do and I get a job and I end up being stuck there forever and never pursuing my dream?
Me: Um – do you even know what your dream is? You know, except the whole baby thing?
Me: well, no. And that’s freaking me out too!
Me: Calm the heck down. it’s ok. remember what our therapist said. You build a house brick by brick.
Me: But that means that there’s no roof yet! What if it rains? What if my necklace clashes with the tunic I picked out? What if they’re offended by the purple tights?
Me: what if you calm the heck down and go to sleep already so you don’t show up with bags under your eyes?
Me: Yeah, that’s not gonna happen.

Oy.

Dude, Seriously?

22 Jan

Yeah I call myself dude sometimes. I like the word “dude”. Could be from all of those years living in California – though I’m sure that the whole “calling myself dude” thing is a bit detrimental to my whole re-claiming my femininity kick. Ahh well.

Me: 16 and pregnant is a stupid stupid show. Why are we watching it?

Me: Um – morbid curiosity?

Me: Ok – that’s good for one episode. But six in a row? We have better things to do with our time.

Me: Well we were cooking and doing laundry at the same time.

Me: Ok – then we have better things to watch. Like American Idol, or Chuck, or Community….

Me: But this show makes me feel both bitter and superior at the same time! ‘sall good, dude, really.

Me: ehem – no it’s not.

Me: Ok – I admit it kind of gets me upset to see these incompetent and irresponsible children being miraculously fertile and not understanding the meaning of the word “condom”.

Me; yes, go on, you’re on the right track.

Me: But I like making fun of them!

Me: ehem – remember – I’m in your head with you. You can’t fool me.

Me: oh, right, yeah, I forgot about that.

Me: You’re not making fun of them. You are bitterly jealous.

Me: I’m not bitter.

Me: Don’t lie.

Me: Really! I’m not!

Me: Dude, seriously.

Me: Ok fine. I’m bitter.

Me: there we go. Progress.

Me: Ok – but can watch just one more episode?

Me: no. you’re making us miserable.

Me: Pretty please with a cherry on top?

Me: No. I command you to stop it and go watch Chuck.

Me: You’re not the boss of me!

Me: Actually I am.

Me: Aren’t we supposed to be like, equal or something?

Me: no. You are irrational and self-destructive.

Me: *pout* But I make good oatmeal chocolate chip cookies.

Me: nope- WE do. Stop hogging all the credit.

Me: Fine you’re still not the boss of me.

Me: Ok I’m not – but I’m gonna win this one so you might as well give up.

Me: No! Never! Yay watching teenaged girls destroy their lives!

Me: No. Boo. Yay watching camera hogging delusional people sing off-key in front of Steven Tyler!

Me: Oh – Steven Tyler?

Me: yes.

Me: will you let me bake some of those cookies too?

Me: No. But we can have some low-fat microwave popcorn.

Me: Dude, you suck.

Me: you’ll thank me later.

Me: Yeah, we’ll see about that.

I’m a pee-stick-a-holic

18 Jan

Ok I’ll start with a confession. Last week, during a visit to a pharmacy, I picked up a package of OPK’s.

I know, I know – Bad Me! For shame!

(but in my defense they were on sale)

I told Shmerson about buying them, but I swore to him that they would not be used until we officially go back to TTC.

Shmerson, I know you’re reading this – you have married a weak willed pee-stick-a-holic. I’m sorry and I love you.

I justified it to myself thusly:

Me: Well, if you’re going to start TTC again in a month or two then it’s probably a good idea to re-acquaint yourself with your cycles.

Me: Oh! Yay! We finally agree on something! This is a good idea!

Me: Why thank you. We’re not being unhealthy at all.

Me: Nope. Not at all.

So off I went to POAS. I admit, I kind of missed it. It really does give one a sense of control.

(OPK negative BTW – but there is a faint line so I’m assuming the surge should come in a few days).

But I’m not sure if this is such a good idea. These darn pee-sticks are part of what started the trouble in the first place.

What do you guys think? Should I POAS to get to know my cycle again, or am I just trying to control everything too much again and I’m on a slippery slope?

Mood swing much?

17 Jan

Me: So – what do you want to blog about today?

Me: Don’t know, don’t care. Whatever.

Me: I was really hoping we could talk about the way we swing between hope and hopelessness.

Me: uh huh. sure.

Me: you know, and then our instinct is like “hey! just get pregnant again!” and our voice of reason tells us not to?

Me: yeah dude whatever I’m bored.

Me: shut up!

Me: No seriously, we’re starting to repeat ourselves

Me: yes, well that’s how we feel.

Me: don’t care. feel like we may as well just put on a really annoying song on repeat. That would be more interesting to me at this point.

Me: come on, don’t give up! Remember? this is a healing process and all that good crap.

Me: yeah, dude, whatever I just want to get on with my life.

Me: You disappoint me.

Me:

Me: Really? Resorting to that, are we?

Me: Hey Mickey you’re so fine you’re so fine you blow my mind hey mickey! Hey Mickey!

Me: Oh shut up and go to bed already. We’ll continue this tomorrow.

Me; fine. Whatevs.

A confession

7 Jan

My name is mommyodyssey and I’m a baby-holic.

It’s been approximately two minutes since the last time I’ve fantasized about having a huge belly and wearing a novelty t-shirt.

I spend a lot of time worrying about taking care of myself and getting better and all. However, I want a baby. Like. Now.

I realize that this is not a healthy addiction. I understand that I must make peace with myself before trying again.

But when I close my eyes, and search for hope – all I see is me – huge, hormonal, and happy – picking out cribs. And then holding the baby in my arms.

I “practice cook” for my future kids, thinking about how to adjust the recipes so they love them.

I make home made chicken fingers and spaghetti once a week because I know that when my daughter(s) will finally discover the magical time that is PMS they’ll ask me to cook it for them because it will be their comfort food.

I read articles on parenting.

I see a little kid walking down the street and I smile at them. I can’t help it.

But I know it’s not time yet.

Darn you – voice of reason! I know I need to let you win here – but just for the record  – YOU SUCK!

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