Tag Archives: competition

Why Do I Keep Counting

18 May

The last year or so, there’s this thing I find myself doing constantly.


When I look at a mother and child on TV or in real life, and I hear both their ages, I automatically subtract and start judging.

“She was 28 when she had her first baby”

“She was 23…”

And so forth.

I can’t let go of it. I can’t let go of the fact that I have been on this path for three years. That if this pregnancy lasts, I will be a couple of weeks shy of my 33rd birthday when I have this baby.

I was supposed to be thirty for my first. Just barely thirty.

I rarely talk about my long-term goals when it comes to kids because the first one still seems out of reach. But the truth is, I wanted 3 kids, and now, I don’t know if that’s ever going to happen. With bed rest and me already being 2 years shy of advanced maternal age. We already needed clom.id to get this pregnancy, who knows what trouble we face if we want to get pregnant again. If I make it through this pregnancy, who knows how hard it will be to achieve and sustain a second one, let alone a third. I also promised myself and Shmerson at least a two year break if we make it through this pregnancy.

And I can’t ignore the fact that if all goes well, I’m going to be a first time mom at 33. That’s a helluva lot later than I was planning.

These last three years have taken my body, they’ve taken my identity, and they’ve taken my dream of a big family.

Women I started blogging with are already thinking about TTC number two and I’m still here, fighting to hang on to what will hopefully be number one.

And three years have gone just fighting for this.

I wish I didn’t feel the need to compare. I wish I didn’t feel like I was losing a race.

But I do feel that way, and I can’t seem to shake it.

I can’t seem to stop counting.

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