Tag Archives: charting

TTC – The Ultimate Aphrodesiac

22 Mar

When I first started this blog, Shmerson and I set down some very clear ground rules about what he was and wasn’t comfortable with, in terms of my blogging.

With his permission, I am breaking one of these ground rules. And just in time for ICLW! (welcome, newcomers!)

Shmerson has embraced the openness of this blog, so with his permission, and without further ado:

Sorry, I couldn’t help myself! Yay musical intros!

Look, a lot of us don’t talk about it openly, but after a few emails and chats with some of my fellow bloggers, I figured it was time to break this taboo.
Especially in light of some interesting revelations I’ve had in the last couple of weeks.

So, to start, let me give you guys some of my history. I’ll say it bluntly: I was a slut in high school. It was for all the wrong reasons. In hindsight, it was a defense mechanism to over compensate after surviving date rape. But I convinced myself that I loved sex. Even though I secretly hated it.
Around the time I turned 20, I kind of went in the opposite direction. I very rarely had casual sex, and even my more serious relationships were rocky when it came to sex.
This was not only because of trauma, but also about my (then) newly diagnosed “friend”, PCOS. I honestly think that this messed up my sex drive on a lot of levels.

Which brings me back to Shmerson. In the first 6 months of our relationship, when I was still taking BCP (before I realized they were evil evil things) we did it like rabbits. This is the nature of new relationships.
Then, like in every relationship, things tapered down a bit. Then they kind of went to hell. I think this has a bit to do with the fact that I stopped the evil BCP’s and also gained some weight, so my confidence was low, which of course means that my sex drive was low.
Me not feeling good about myself seriously messed up our sex life. And that made me feel even worse. Like I was a bad partner. How could I not have a sex drive? I love Shmerson, and he’s hot. What’s up with me?

I can’t even imagine the insecurities my poor man was feeling. I felt like shit about it for a long time.

Then we got married, and lost the birth control completely. All of the sudden, I wanted to do it, ALL THE TIME.
At the time I thought it was because I felt safe and better about myself now that we were married.
Boy – was that wrong.
Of course, after doing it like rabbits I got preggo REALLY FAST. And just like that –  my sex drive was gone again.
Then the Blighted Ovum happened and everything got shot to hell.
I didn’t feel sexy. I barely felt like a woman.
And guess when my sex drive made a comeback?
Two weeks after my first post D&C AF. Right when I got that positive OPK. For three days I was a sex machine.
Then I got preggo again. And miscarried again.
And what was bad before became much much worse.
I had a meltdown, and Shmerson felt completely insecure. He felt like I was no longer attracted to him, and he was afraid that our marriage was nothing more than a way for me to get a baby (he finally confessed this to me about a month ago. I felt like shit when he told me that, because I love him and it was the furthest thing from the truth).
But who could blame the poor guy for feeling like this? His wife had absolutely no sexual desire whatsoever.

And as bad as he felt, I felt even worse. I felt inadequate. As if something was truly seriously wrong with me. I WANTED to want to make love to him. I hated myself for not wanting to.

We’d spent the last few months talking openly about this (something which makes me eternally grateful for having such an amazing husband and having such an open and honest relationship with him). But things only got marginally better. Though I was feeling a bit better about myself, my sex drive was still in neutral.

I figured it was residual insecurities from the MC’s combined with Zoloft, which apparently is not good for the sex drive.

But truly – I had no clue what was going on.

I started talking to a few of my fellow MC bloggers in private about this, and I started seeing a pattern. They all felt the same way, and their sex lives were very similar to me and Shmerson’s. Positive OPK’s + TTC = renewed sex drive. The rest of the time – nada.
(don’t worry ladies, I won’t name names! This is strictly my TMI, though feel free to share in the comments).

Then a few different things happened all at once which finally made me make sense of all of this supposed sexual dysfunction. I’ll list them (because I love making lists!) and then tie them all together. So bare with me.

  1. Shmerson and I decided not to decide. In other words, we decided it was time to lose the condoms, but that I would not be taking any OPKs or charting. We decided to just take it easy for a few months and see what happens (for those of you who are new to this blog – my problem is recurrent M/C. Fortunately, conception has not been much of an issue for me. For the record, I am immensely thankful for this).
  2. Courtney posted this very interesting observation on her blog. Basically, she pointed out how science sucks because women only have a limited amount of eggs, whereas men generate new sperm all the time.
  3. AF showed up, and immediately after the red lady went away, I all of the sudden wanted to have sex ALL OF THE TIME.
  4. Yesterday Shmerson pointed something out – kind of a continuation of what Courtney was posting about. He pointed out how oftentimes in nature, females seek out the strongest partner to mate with, whereas the males are less picky.

It all comes down to this: us women want to procreate, and there are only a few fertile days for us each month, so we choose our sexy times more carefully, and our brain is basically our biggest sex organ. Men are fertile all the time so they want to procreate all the time.

I think you guys can basically do the math here. Women with fertility issues are even more eager to procreate, but also have the insecurities that come along with said fertility issues. So of course we only truly have a sex drive when we’re trying to make babies! It’s in our nature!

Which is why I am SO FREAKING HAPPY  that I’m not charting this month. There’s no stupid science in the way. Who knows when the heck I’ll ovulate? So of course, I want to have sex with Shmerson ALL THE TIME. And I feel sexy all the time. Because I could be ovulating right now. I could ovulate tomorrow, or the day after. Or a week from now. And goshdarn it, I WANT TO MAKE A BABY! I am taking no chances.

It’s doing wonders for our sex life, not to mention our relationship in general. It’s like we’re falling in love all over again.

And the beauty of all of this? Shmerson gets it. He’s embracing it. He understands after our many talks, that my lack of sex drive had nothing to do with him, or my attraction to him.

It was the perfect storm of psychology and biology.

Just like our recent resurgence is the same – only with opposite results.

So – I don’t think I’m ever charting again. Seriously. If we’re having sex every 48 hours or so anyway, we’re bound to hit ovulation eventually in the next few months.

The only way this will change is under doctor’s orders. For now – letting go of that little bit of control is doing wonders for my self esteem, my marriage, and me and Shmerson’s sex life.

And please don’t take this as a “relax and it’ll happen” post. That’s not my point. My point is that I realized that science can sometimes get in the way of nature. And for those of us lucky enough to be able to rely on nature to conceive, I say – screw science!

For those of you out there who don’t need to chart for medical reasons, and are feeling that your sex lives are in a bit of a slump – try it. I really hope it does the same for you. Because trust me, this is awesome. I’m having some of the best sex of my life right now. (I’m sure Shmerson is doing the happy dance while reading this. Hemmo Shmerson! You is my love!)

In the context of the ALI community, I can’t believe I’m writing these next words, but, what the heck:

Yay biology!!! Screw you, modern science and pee-sticks!!

I Think I’ve Decided Not to Decide

24 Feb

I visited the obgyn today. For those who forgot and those who don’t know, this is only the second time I’ve seen him. We moved shortly after my second M/C, so I had to find someone new.

He came highly recommended by my cousin, and I really liked him the first time I met him. So I’m gonna stick with him, and therefore, he needs a name. I’ve decided to call him Dr. Blunt.  It was between that and Dr. Marshmallow (because he’s round and white haired and very sweet), but today set it in stone: He’s Dr Blunt.

Allow me to rewind. I’ve been in several conundrums over the last couple of weeks, or to put it in Englishing, I’ve been dilemma-ing about.

After your amazing comments and support on my last major conundrum post, I definitely let got of my guilt, and I want to share the TTC process with you guys.

But a few things have happened in the last few days that have kind of made things change around a bit.

First, was my appt. with the Harley Hottie on Monday. During our needle sticking session, I asked him when he thought would be a good time to start TTC again. He said a month, maybe two. But then he said: “or just don’t try and see what happens.”

Now – I know we all hate the “just relax and it’ll happen” line. It’s sucky. He was basically telling me that. So I wrote it off.

Last week, at Dr. Blood’s, he looked at my MTFHR results and said I don’t need to worry, that being a heterozygote is normal, and that docs that give meds for it are just over prescribing. It does no good, and has nothing to do with miscarrying early. If I was the other type (I think it’s called homozygote) then it would be a problem. Again, my answer was – screw that! I know better! I’m gonna insist on prescriptions! Yay control!

But then, today, I walked into Dr. Blunt’s office, having gone through all of the tests he ordered, armed with temps, too many visits to Dr. Go Ogle, and a bunch of demands. Yes, it was as if I was holding him hostage. “Check my luteal phase! Prescribe a mega-dose of folic acid and other anti-clotting meds! Give me an Ultra-sound! Wave a magic wand and miraculously make me have a healthy baby!” Not that demands really help in this case, because it’s not that I was holding his kids at gunpoint or anything. And even then, how would that help? Plus I would never do that even if it’s just metaphorically speaking (get back on topic, Mo, you’re rambling again!).

Aaaanyway….

After my list of demands, Dr. Blunt shut me down. He looked at me and said: “Do me a favor – I’m the doctor here, so why don’t you let me make the suggestions?”

I blushed. I felt so guilty. I apologized.

He said not to worry – that every woman in my situation comes in with the same list of demands.

I smiled, apologized again, and shut the hell up and let him talk.

And I asked: “so, what do we do?”

He said  “Nothing”.

Control-Freaky alarm alert! What the hell is this guy talking about?

He holds up my medical file. And shows me what he wrote during my first visit, and what he wrote down today.

First visit (loosely translated): will most likely need progesterone supplements. Send for clotting tests to rule out other problems.

Second visit: No clotting issues found. Patient will need progesterone supplements.

I look at him skeptically: “What? No blood tests?”

He says – “There’s nothing here that would indicate anything but a lack of progesterone. Trust me. I mean, if you want – I can send you for a bunch of blood tests. I promise you they will show nothing else”.

*Danger! Danger!*

“But what about the whole heterozygote thing? Shouldn’t I be taking something for that?”

“A lot of doctors prescribe something for it. It’s a waste of medication. It’s just to calm the woman down. 40% of women are heterozygotes. It has nothing to do with miscarrying in the first trimester. But if you want, I can prescribe it, just to make you feel better. It probably won’t though.”

I KNOW this guy’s a great obgyn. My cousin had three high risk pregnancies that produced 3 healthy kids because of this guy.

I try to quiet the control freaky alarm bells.

“So what does this mean?”

“This means that you and your husband start trying whenever you want, and once you get that second line you call me immediately and we get you on progesterone, which will hopefully be all that’s needed to help you carry a baby to term”

“That’s all?”

“Yep”.

“Really?”

“Yep.”

Dumbfounded, I thank Dr. Blunt and walk out of his office.

I was expecting a barrage of tests. I was expecting several more weeks of uncertainty. I was expecting a long line of prescriptions. In short, I was doing what I always do – looking for drama where there isn’t any.

So I went back to what Dr. Blood and the Harley Hottie were saying.

They were saying what we all hate to hear. “Just calm down, it’ll happen.”

Now I know for most of you guys it’s not that easy. But like I’ve said here before, it’s obviously not the getting preggo that’s my problem. It’s the staying preggo.

So maybe, in my case, I should actually embrace that dreaded saying?

I kind of feel like I’m circling around my point here. Let me get down to the nitty gritty:

I’ve been making kind of a big deal about when we start to TTC. As in, I know that we’ll most likely get preggo quickly so I have to be ABSOLUTELY SURE before we try.

And that decision has been stressing me out. I’ve talked about it with shmerson. I’ve talked about it with my therapist. I’ve been going through every possible scenario in my head. If we start in march, then this and this will happen. If we start in april, then bla bla bla. Etc, etc.

The thing is that this “conception date” thing is only set in stone if I make sure it’s set in stone. If I continue monitoring my temps, if I continue to POAS, if I continue to count my cycle days.

So all of the sudden it hit me: “What if I decide not to decide?”

Which basically means – I quit two things: Smoking and tracking my cycle.

What if, once I quit smoking (March 7th people! Mark your calendars!), we lose the condoms, and just – have sex?

I don’t remember the last time Shmerson and I have just had sex, without thinking about timing, whether we need a condom, bla bla bla.

How great would it be for our relationship to just let that go? To just have sex for the sake of having sex, like most married couples do, and if that second line shows up, it shows up?

On one hand, it’s me avoiding making the decision.

On the other, well, it’s me avoiding the decision. Letting go of control. That’s major. It’s something i need to do.

It will be more challenging to me than, well, anything really. This means no pretending. No secret OPK’s, no TWW. Just – going with the flow and seeing what happens.

Of course, I’m assuming there will be some speculating on my part around when AF is supposed to come around. There will be phantom symptoms, there will be HPT’s taken.

But no official “TTC”. No sexy-time marathons during ovulation. No looking at the iphone app that tracks my cycle. Stopping my FF membership. Putting away the thermometer.

Since this seems like a scarier prospect than making a concrete decision, I sort of feel like it’s the way to go. Does that make sense?

As in – quit smoking, and then just lose the condom and make sweet lovin to your hubby whenever the heck you feel like it, and if the sperm happens to meet the egg, then good for us. I’m assuming that after a few months of this, if I don’t get a BFP, I’ll probably start tracking again. But for now, maybe it’s the right move?

I’m a heathen, and yet for some reason my instinct is telling me to let fate decide. I feel like it’s the right move for my marriage, and also in terms of my life choices.

It’s weird because this has all come to me in the last few hours. I’ve already talked it over with Shmerson, of course, and he’s on board. But this is me making a quick decision. Which is also sometimes bad, and I’ve been trying to avoid doing that. On the other hand, it feels like a difficult one to make, and yet the right one to make.

I don’t know ladies – what do you think? Is this a cop-out or a healthy decision?

Yay! and huh?

20 Feb

So – I’m happy to report that we are FINALLY back online after almost a week of living in the stone age.

That’s the “Yay!” part.

The “huh?” part is actually a call to analyze my temps – so anyone who’s not in the midst of baby-craziness, my apologies. I’m planning an epic post later tonight along with an big announcement! (I know, you must be shaking with excitement already). So yes, all of you non-baby-crazies are welcome to check back later.

Now – my fellow charters: I’m not done charting my first month, but I’m already suspecting a luteal phase issue.

Here’s my chart for the month so far:

CD 17 and no rise in temps, no CM – nada.

And my cycles are usually between 28-30 days.

I know I’m jumping the gun a bit here – but the thing is, my last M/C I ovulated on day 20. So…

I have an appt. with my gyno in two days and I want to bring this to him and go “see? It’s my luteal phase! hit me with progesterone! (right? it’s progesterone that you need with a shortened luteal phase?)”

But I’m a bit nervous that he’ll look at me like I’m nuts and say that you can’t tell a thing after less than a month of charting.

So, my charting friends – thoughts? Opinions?

Or in short – huh?

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