Tag Archives: braxton hicks contractions

An Open Letter to Braxton Hicks

21 Aug

Dear Mr. Hicks (if that’s even your real name),

You are a sadistic bastard. I don’t know where you came up with the insane idea of fake contractions, but the whole concept proves that you are a sick, sick man.

And that whole thing about them not hurting, and just feeling like muscles tightening? You are a lying lier that lies. They hurt. They hurt like hell.

So the pain starts and I get my hopes up –  thinking “Ok! Maybe this is finally it!”

But then you’re all: “Ha ha! Screw you! That was just me and my fakety fake fake contractions! They’re not going to be regular or anything! No labor for you today!”

And then all I can do is sit around, and be frustrated.  Again

Seriously, what is your problem? What kind of twisted brain comes up with this? You’ve got issues.

Look, I get that my body needs to “rev up” for the real deal. I assume there was some sort of committee that somehow put you in charge of deciding how to get that to happen.

I’m also pretty sure that the committee is either corrupt or made up completely of men (who are most likely Republicans). Because your ideas are sadistic and stupid.

So eff you and your stupid fake contractions. I’m planning a huge protest against you. With signs and everything. Just as soon as I get this baby out of me.



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