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Bullets and Bunnies: Stitchy Edition

8 Aug
  • We had a check up with the high-risk OB today (36 weeks, 2 days). B5’s tummy is measuring about 10 days behind but her head is right on track. The doc didn’t seem concerned about it, so I’m not going to be either. She’s gained about 300 grams in two weeks, and is now estimated at around 2.5 kg. That’s about 5.5 pounds for you Americans. She also passed her NST with flying colors.
  • I got the official referral to Labor & Delivery to get the cerclage out, and that’s happening this Sunday or Monday. Yipes! There’s only about a 5% chance that removal of it will cause labor, but I’m packing the hospital bag this weekend just in case. I’m also trying not to get my hopes up. It’s still a little early, and she’ll come out when she’s good and ready. So they say. So I keep trying to tell myself.
  • B5 is getting crowded in there.  A couple of days ago she pulled some ninja moves that hurt like a mofo. I told her sternly that I’m very happy that she’s so active, but would she please just come out already so I can see the ninja moves rather than feel them?
  • I seriously need this baby out already. I know we’re still kind of at the point where she’s most likely to do better inside then out, but the anxiety is killing me. I’m constantly obsessing, fretting, and worrying about what’s to come. I need her to be here, and be ok.  I’m practically full term, that should be enough. I need to see her, living and breathing in front of me.
  • Just so you understand how deep the crazy goes: The doc gives me the L&D referral to get the cerclage out. He says I could go anytime between now and whenever, really (which is actually encouraging and I guess means he’s fairly confident that she’s fully cooked).  You don’t need to make an appointment for a cerclage removal here, you just go into L&D in the morning with a referral and they get ‘er done. So I talked it over with Shmerson and we decided Sunday or Monday, depending on what’s going on with his work. Then I looked at the referral again and noticed the words “good for 24 hours” on it  (it’s an automatic thing with L&D referrals). And the referral has today’s date. So I go back into the doc’s office and point this out. He crosses out today’s date, puts in Sunday’s, and signs the paper where he changed it.  I leave the clinic, and then spend the next HOUR AND A HALF literally obsessed with worry that L&D won’t admit me because of a bad referral. I mean what if I come in and they don’t approve of the handwritten change? What if that’s ok, but we come in Monday and the referral is dated Sunday? Will they count that as 24 hours or will the date change screw it up? I finally CALL the hospital, describe the referral in detail, tell them when I’m thinking of coming in, and check whether they will accept it. Of course they said they would. I spent an hour and a half worried sick about it. Honestly, I’m still a little worried about it. Even though I’ve been told explicitly that it’s ok. Moral of the story: I literally cannot fathom things actually going right. They have gone wrong for so long that it’s much easier for me to just think that they will continue to go wrong. Even when I am told “this isn’t a problem”, I’m still afraid it will be a problem. This is not a good way to live through these next couple of weeks. My head is not a fun place to be, I assure you.
  • My belly button is in danger of becoming an outie. It’s getting very squished at this point. So Shmerson and I have given it a voice with which we dub it often, and decided that it is the perfect way to channel my feelings. An emoji emoticon has been chosen to properly represent the belly button’s constant sense of disdain toward the world. The Hebrew word for belly button is “poopik”. I have been texting  Shmerson regular updates during the day on Poopik’s emotional state.  “Poopik is worried”, “Poopik is bored”, and so forth. Today, Poopik has fluctuated between freaking out and proclaiming that “Poopik is not amused.” Which of course, it never is. It’s part of what makes Poopik Poopik.
  • That last paragraph made me realize just how far gone I really am. Poopik concurs, in case you were curious.
  • Ok, so a few of you guys have requested a bump pic. Since I’m fairly huge, I thought it was time I gave in and actually had Shmerson take a couple, as much as I hate getting my picture taken.  And posting a bump pic is still on my “stuff that freaks me out” list. But with the exception of this, I have not had one picture taken of myself this pregnancy, so I figured I should at least have a few, right? So here ya go (and yes I am wearing the same shirt as before since it’s practically the only one that fits at this point. Also, note the “I hate having my picture taken” faces I pull. Epic.):

bump1 bump2

  • I leave you all with bunnies and a promise to update once the stitch is removed. Poopik has spoken. Poopik out!

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Urgh

19 May

Just found out that I got a 169 on my 1 hour glucose tolerance test.  Of course I did.

I hate this. I feel like a beached whale and there’s barely anything I can do about it. And now I have to go in for the 3 hour test.

And considering we’ve always fallen on the ass-end of statistics, I’m thinking it’s not a stretch to believe that I’ll fail that one too and I’ll have Gestational Diabetes to contend with.

Ugh. Just urgh.

Moving On

30 Dec

Two weeks ago this blog turned two years old. At the time, it occurred to me that I probably should write something to commemorate the occasion, but nothing came to mind.

That’s when it hit me that it may be time for a change, and I started to think about the future of this space.

I realized that the reason I no longer write here is because this space doesn’t feel like it’s mine anymore.

I think this is because of few reasons. The first is the perceived etiquette and expectations that come with being a part of the ALI  community. Part of being in this community, as amazing as it is, is that there are certain conformities that you end up feeling obligated to adhere to. There is an unspoken sense that if you don’t adhere to this etiquette you will face a backlash. We don’t talk about it, but it’s there. Another issue is the “obligation” to update constantly about your cycles and treatments. I no longer feel te need to do those things, and that need to over-share is more than met on the podcast.

I admit I also have another underlying issue. A while ago I wrote here about rubber necking, and how for every three readers who come in to show you support,  with a history like mine, there will always be one looky-loo that comes here to see how far your train has gone off the rails.

This space is burdened with my history. I am in a place in my life right now where I have to look forward in order to survive and to maintain my sanity. I think the heavy weight that Nadav had left on this place doesn’t allow for that. For every person that comes here seeking out my successes, there is another who checks to see if I have failed yet. That may follow me to my new blog, but I know I will feel less burdened by it there.

This isn’t an indictment of this community. It’s human nature at its core. I’ve been guilty of that myself. Because of that I am acutely aware of this happening, and this knowledge, coupled with my history, makes it impossible to truly look ahead here.

I have been in the trenches for three years now, and blogging for two. Most of the women who I started this journey with have long since moved on to pregnancy and parenting. For me, a pregnancy is not the happy ending, and a happy ending has yet to come. I’m still fighting, but the fight has taken on a new shape, one that no longer feels like it fits into this community’s norms. Though I love the support that women in the ALI blogosphere show each other, I hate the pettiness that rears its ugly head here on occasion. The territorial nature that this community has taken on in the last year, also disturbs me.

And I’m going to be truly blunt about things, because you all know I never mince words: I am over it. Seriously. I’m sick of obsessing over pee sticks and temps. I just want to move on with my life.

And there’s Nadav. Always Nadav. Because of this space, my son left an impression on this world. That is because of all of you, and I am forever grateful for that. But this space is truly his. It is heavy with the weight of him. Blogging about anything else here has seemed petty and wrong to me. It never quite rang true. I have decided that I will respect that this place has become his. I would like it to stay that way.

So, my dear friends, I am moving on. I will not delete this space, but I will no longer update it. I will leave my ties to the ALI community at the podcast, which fulfills my own OCD needs and hopefully helps a few others on the way. I will leave everything else to the new space that I have created. I hope to reclaim my voice there.This new space will not be announced on the LFCA. It will not go on the Stirrup Queens’ blog roll. It will not have a TTC timeline, and my bio will not be made up of my medical history. Because I am so much more than that. And it’s time I start to rediscover it.

Fair warning: I will also not be sticking to the accepted ALI ettiquette. I will not worry about triggers or jealousies. I will not use abbreviations, I will not be updating it with the minutia of my lady parts. I want the “normals” to read it without feeling like they’re reading a foreign language. I want to write it not for any audience, but for myself. Though I reserve the right to stir up trouble there whenever I feel like it.

So please feel free to follow me there, but do so at your own risk, because it will be unapologetic.

If you don’t choose to come, I will not be hurt. I hope you continue to follow me on the podcast and subscribe to that blog and twitter feed to stay updated about new episodes, because I will probably not be updating my new space when a new ep is published.

This isn’t me abandoning this community. It’s simply reframing my relationship with it, something that has been a long time coming.

As I close up this, my final post on this blog, I’d like to thank each and every one of you. You held me up when my world collapsed. I would not have survived the last two years without you. I hope to see you around in my new digs, and on the podcast blog.

Thank you for supporting me. Thank you for loving my Nadav. Thank you for reading.

Love,

Mo

nadavnamelq

Episode 15!

18 Dec

Episode 15!

Our guest seriously blew my mind this week. Happy listening!

Episode 14!

11 Dec

Episode 14!

Happy listening everyone!

Episode 13!

5 Dec

Episode 13!

Happy listening!

In other news, HSG is scheduled for Thursday. I’ll check in with an update when I’ve got one.

Episode 12!

27 Nov

Episode 12!

Happy listening everybody!

Oh – and for those curious, I am indeed NOT one of those annoying women who get knocked up after one cycle of clom.id.

Just sitting around waiting for the red lady to sing.

FML

Episode 11

20 Nov

Episode 11

happy listening!

Do You Have What it Takes to Be a Bitter Infertile?

13 Nov

Do You Have What it Takes to Be a Bitter Infertile?

Click on the link to find out!

Episode 10!

6 Nov

Far lighter than episode nine, I promise. 🙂

Happy listening – and for all you US Americans out there – GO VOTE!

 

Episode 10!.

Episode 9

31 Oct

Episode 9.

Babylost

24 Oct

A couple of notes first:

No new ep of the podcast this week due to jet-lagginess, hung-over-ness, and nauseousness, but we’ll be back next week with a vengeance (ness)?

And I’m back from the States! It was an awesome trip all around.

But that’s not what I want to write about today. Well, kind of.

On the last day in New York, just as we were about to fly home, I lost it.

Because the fact is that I wasn’t supposed to be on that trip. I was supposed to be home caring for my baby boy.

As amazing as the trip was, my life was supposed to be on a different path.

Grief is a lonely feeling. And though I know that a lot of people mourned Nadav, I still feel very much alone. It’s not for lack of support. i am feel very loved both here and in the rest of my life.

It’s just that I’m the one with empty arms. I’m the one who carried him.

I’m sure most of you have noticed that this space has been very empty as of late. I’ve been giving a lot of thought as to why that is. Why I keep reading your blogs but not commenting, why I can’t bring myself to write here as often as I used to.

And I think it has to do with this lonely space that I’m in. I don’t write here because when I’m not distracting myself with the day-to-day of my life, all I have to say is how sad I am. How empty I feel. And I don’t want to write about that, because writing about it doesn’t make it any better. And I promised myself that this space would not become just about that. I don’t want it to be that.

I think I’m just in a place where I need to keep most of this internal, so I hope you’ll all forgive me if my posts here continue to be sporadic for the next little while. I’ll be back here when I have something original to say, I promise.

In the meantime, please keep listening to the podcast. The girls and I love doing it, and we love that you listen.

And please be patient with me while I work through this.

Love to all of you.

Episode 8!

17 Oct

Publishing this from Philly!

Will be back online this Sunday. In the meantime, happy listening!

Episode 8!.

Episode 7!

10 Oct

Greetings from sunny Las Vegas!

We are having a wonderful time! hopefully I’ll be able to catch you all up soon.

In the meantime, Shelley, Cristy, and the awesome Rebecca from waiting for little feet put together a great episode!

Check it out. 🙂

 

Episode 7!.

Episode 6!

2 Oct

Things are crazy with getting ready for our trip to the states. Will update in a bit.

In the meantime, enjoy the show!

Episode 6!.

 

Episode 5

26 Sep

Episode 5.

Crappy Birthday to Me

25 Sep

So today I’m 32 years old.

It’s also Yom Kippur eve, which means that at 5pm today everything closed down, and no cars were on the streets. Needless to say, the drunken celebration was last night and today all I have is quiet.

I generally love Yom Kippur. I don’t fast, I don’t go to services – but the quiet that falls on the entire country is beautiful to me.

Since no cars are on the road, kids ride their bikes in the middle of the street and everyone walks to some central place in the city and just hangs out for most of the night.

Today though, I couldn’t enjoy walking in the middle of the road. I couldn’t enjoy this rare bit of quiet.

All I could do was think about the fact that today I turn 32, and he was supposed to be here with me.

Shmerson and I would have taken him out in his stroller, and walked around, taking in the quiet and the kids on their bikes.

I would have held him as my mother brought out the cake, and he would have helped me blow out the candle. He would have been three months old.

So today, instead of quiet I feel the emptiness of what would have been.

And hope against all hope that next year – 33 – will be easier.

Grief, Birthdays, and Pee Sticks

21 Sep

So the truth is that giving up the illusion of control comes with some consequences.

These last few days I’ve been thinking about Nadav. A lot.

I’ve once again been sucked into the if-only-I-had-done wormhole. Replaying those last couple of weeks in my mind. Thinking about what I could have done differently.

My 32nd birthday is this coming Tuesday. I spent my 30th pregnant, and technically my 31st pregnant with Nadav (though he was just a follie at the time).

Now I’m going to be 32 and I’m still in the same place, only carrying a few extra pounds and the grief of losing my baby boy.

Yes, things are better than they were.

But the second I gave up obsessing over getting pregnant again I went back to obsessing about my son. Apparently those fucking pee sticks were taking up space, pushing thoughts of Nadav further into the dark regions of my brain. Now that there is no white noise the clarity of grief is back.

I just hope that this time it doesn’t stay around for too long.

My headspace is a mess today. I want to write more but I can’t come up with a single coherent thought.

So this will have to do for now.

Episode 4!

18 Sep

Episode 4!

Our best one yet if I do say so myself. 🙂

Episode Three!

10 Sep

Episode Three!

Happy listening everyone!

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