I sit here and type this as my little baby boy lies down next to me and coos.
M*a*t*a*n was born safe and healthy on March 16th. I can’t wait to find out what kind of person he will grow up to be.
We’re slowly adjusting to being a family of 4, and remembering what it’s like to care for a newborn – we’re both a bit rusty since it’s been 3.5 years.
I’d be lying if I said things weren’t complex. With a little boy here and one gone. But the best thing we can do for him is to let him stand on his own. And this is what we’re doing.
This blog has had a few false endings. I’ve signed off only to come back. But I really think this time I’m done for good. We’re done growing our family and I’ve moved on to other ways of venting and expressing myself, and that’s ok.
It seems right to end it here.
But know that I’m leaving a light on. There are women who still find this blog through late night google searches involving miscarriage and loss. I want this to be here as a resource. I want this place to stand as a source for help and (hopefully) inspiration, and also as a way to preserve the memory of the little boy we lost 5 years ago.
I feel like this needs more context. Some grand gesture put together in prose. But I’m at a loss. I think it’s truly because I simply don’t need this space as an outlet anymore. It was an amazing place to build. It saved my life more than once. It started friendships that I cherish to this day.
But it’s time to let it go.
I don’t like looking at my life in terms of happy endings. And this isn’t one. It’s the beginning of a new chapter, and the end of another. I look forward to the next big adventure.
Thank you for reading. Thank you for standing by me. Thank you for everything.