Nowhere to Hide

26 Aug

I’ve been debating for a few weeks about whether this is a safe space. I guess I’m posting this to test the waters. Am I safe here?

The truth is I’m currently not safe anywhere.

I thought this time would be easier. It’s not. It’s harder.

I’m just going to come right out and say it.

I’m 9.5 weeks pregnant. For those of you not following along this would be pregnancy number 6. With 1 living child.

The HSG did it. Just like with the Bunny. I guess all I needed was to get my pipes (well – pipe, actually. Singular.) cleaned out.

We’ve seen a heartbeat. It’s all in the right place.

I’m a mess.

I swear I thought having gone through on successful pregnancy would make this easier.

It’s so much harder. Now I know. I really know what it looks like on the other side. How much I really have to lose.

Last time I didn’t have a child. I didn’t have a full-time job that required me to show up at an office every day. I didn’t need to actually function.

I locked myself up in a house for 6 months. I didn’t talk to anyone. I just sat. And sat.

I can’t hide away in life, so I figured I should see what happens when I stop hiding here.

I’m fucking terrified.

21 Responses to “Nowhere to Hide”

  1. Mrs T August 27, 2016 at 00:11 #

    Hugs and congrats. I’ll pray to FSM for the boring-est pregnancy of all time ❤

    • Mo August 27, 2016 at 00:23 #

      From your mouth to FSM’s ears. Thank you 💜

  2. jjiraffe August 27, 2016 at 00:12 #

    Sending lots of love. And abiding with you during this time…

  3. April August 27, 2016 at 04:50 #

    You are your own worst enemy right now. We’re here because we care about you and support you. Much love.

  4. bette06254 August 27, 2016 at 05:21 #

    Congrats, hope everything goes well for you..

  5. Sian August 27, 2016 at 14:26 #

    Congratulations. Thinking of you for the next 7ish months going past quickly and uneventful for you.

  6. noemi August 27, 2016 at 20:09 #

    Congrats. I so hope this pregnancy has a happy ending. Abiding with you during this scary time.

  7. Amy August 27, 2016 at 20:27 #

    Oh, Mama. I completely understand. Congratulations on your special bean. I pray you get to meet him or her close to your due date, happy and healthy, after a physically easy pregnancy. Emotionally, yes. All of those things. Praying this remains your safe space, too. There is no winning in the world of infertility, babyloss or parenting rainbow babies. We will be judged from angles that don’t even make sense, our mental health issues overlooked or pishawed or belittled, our parenting difficulties and overwhelming, soul-crushing guilt over feeling occasionally stressed out and over-burdened (and ungrateful) looked at with disgust. Frankly, fuck ’em, until they’ve walked in our shoes. I hope some point when I’m really old and gray I will stop feeling like I’m existing in a special purgatory for heartbroken-yet-parenting mothers. ❤

    As for subsequent rainbow pregnancies, I get the fear. Also the detachment. We had to work really hard for our latest (donor egg) baby (who is five days old today), even though the actual process was physically less taxing on me. Pregnancy-wise, though, I was really sick (again) up until about 18 weeks, and felt both miserable/incredibly ungrateful and in limbo, waiting for things to go sideways. And they did, suddenly. at 34 weeks, severe preeclampsia, five days and six nights in the hospital, delivery of a preemie daughter, a three-year old rainbow at home still pissed at me for being gone so long (and breaking my heart daily). And a beautiful baby girl I am so in love with I can't stand it. Our last baby, ever. Even in labor, she felt like a stranger to me. I was emotionally detached the whole pregnancy, way different than with my son. We are now a family of six, with two babies here (well, one in the NICU), and two not. I am grateful for both of my living children (even though I never imagined – and didn't want to – go the IVF route). This ride/journey has pretty much sucked, though…nine years of suckage and heartbreak, with opening of joy in the sky…and I'm thrilled to be leaving the family-building chapter of my life in the dust. If menopause wants to visit my 42-year old body now, bring it on. I won't fight it.

    Love to you, Mo…

  8. Kerstin August 27, 2016 at 21:53 #

    I, too, would be so scared. I would want to go to sleep and wake up at my due date, or better, after, with a crying baby in my arms. I would constantly think that this fetus is another version of my living and breathing child and would fiercly want to protect it, without knowing how. I would go fucking MAD inside.

    So yes, as far as I am concerned this is your safe space.

  9. Ms. Future PharmD August 27, 2016 at 22:14 #

    I too spent months hiding when we expected Little Monster and now with work and a staff I couldn’t even be sick in private. Sheesh, I can’t even TTC in private because of my job’s nature and needing time off for testing and such. Abiding with you in the terror and sneaky joy.

  10. sangela71 August 28, 2016 at 00:59 #

    Congratulations on your pregnancy. I hope you are able to find some peace of mind and have a happy and healthy nine months.

  11. nonsequiturchica August 28, 2016 at 03:57 #

    Congratulations! Sending good thoughts your way for an easy, uneventful, and quick pregnancy. (For what it is worth, my pregnancy with my son (now 6 weeks old) seemed to go by much quicker than my daughters because you simply have less time to worry when you already have a kid at home).

  12. Baby crazy August 28, 2016 at 12:03 #

    Congratulations! Wishing you all the best and an uneventful next few months xx

  13. Lise August 28, 2016 at 14:20 #

    Congratulations and lots of supportive thoughts ❤️ I know all too well how hard it is. In my second (successful) pregnancy there was nowhere to hide…I had to take care of my older daughter, leave her in daycare, I had to work. To make things worse everyone knew I was pregnant after what felt like two seconds since I had hyperemesis and started showing much earlier than the first time. And everyone assumed I must be this relaxed, been there done that type of mom since it was not my first. I was not, I was just as much an anxious mess as the first time. I knew the risks all too well.

    I wish you a boring and uneventful pregnancy!

  14. notundecided August 28, 2016 at 18:46 #

    I’m sorry it’s so hard, and I hope this place is always safe for you, as it should be. So much love to you…you can do the hard things! And when you can’t, that is OKAY.

  15. Karin August 28, 2016 at 23:20 #

    Totally understand. You got this! Congrats and prayers for an uneventful pregnancy.

  16. SRB August 31, 2016 at 18:44 #

    Mazel tov to you and yours, Mo. Sending you vibezzzzz of strength and calm over the long weeks and months to come. ❤

  17. Kristen September 8, 2016 at 21:11 #

    Congratulations and much love to you…sorry this is so hard…hugs and please post here… XO

  18. ceecee867 September 22, 2016 at 20:03 #

    Sending nothing but good vibes, prayers, and positive thoughts your way 🙂

  19. someday-soon October 12, 2016 at 19:19 #

    Sending lots of positive thoughts your way and hope everything is going well!

  20. Fertility Doll November 21, 2016 at 02:40 #

    Such amazing news to discover! Congratulations!

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