That’s what I told Shmerson tonight as we were wrapping up a meltdown by me which morphed into a semi-fight, which then morphed into a productive conversation.
We’ve made a lot of big decisions around here lately, but we’ve made them with little fanfare and even fewer “official declarations”.
I felt like we had to make it official.
Me: So do you think we’re ready for another kid?
Shmerson: Yes. I think we’re not ready now but we’ll be ready by the time we have the baby. That’s what happened with Lili.
Me: True. Who knows how long this will actually take, assuming it works.
Shmerson: But I don’t think I can do a third.
Me: I didn’t think I could do a second up until a couple of months ago.
Me: But I always wanted three. Having another one will make it three.
He’s been visiting me a lot over the last few weeks. My baby boy. Maybe because I want to have a boy now.
Maybe because there’s a small part of me that’s terrified.
What if something goes wrong again? Am I really equipped to handle this?
Me: We need to find another name for a girl. We have a name for a boy ready but not another for a girl.
Shmerson: You’re not even pregnant yet.
Me: When I got pregnant with him, I wanted a girl. That’s been eating at me ever since. Lili had her name before he had his. He only got his name when we found out he was a boy.
That can’t happen. If I get pregnant with a girl, she has to have a name in advance. She has to know that she is wanted. Even if I do want to give Lili a little brother. A little sister would be just as welcome, just as loved. We have to have a name.
Shmerson: Ok, we’ll have a name. We’ll come up with a name.
Fuck. I guess we’re in this.
PS: Still not peeing on sticks or monitoring, so no need to throw stuff.