I Always Wanted 3 Kids

12 Nov

That’s what I told Shmerson tonight as we were wrapping up a meltdown by me which morphed into a semi-fight, which then morphed into a productive conversation.

We’ve made a lot of big decisions around here lately, but we’ve made them with little fanfare and even fewer “official declarations”.

I felt like we had to make it official.

Me: So do you think we’re ready for another kid?

Shmerson: Yes. I think we’re not ready now but we’ll be ready by the time we have the baby. That’s what happened with Lili.

Pause

Me: True. Who knows how long this will actually take, assuming it works.

Shmerson: But I don’t think I can do a third. 

Me: I didn’t think I could do a second up until a couple of months ago. 

Pause

Me: But I always wanted three. Having another one will make it three. 

Quiet.

He’s been visiting me a lot over the last few weeks. My baby boy. Maybe because I want to have a boy now.

Maybe because there’s a small part of me that’s terrified.

What if something goes wrong again? Am I really equipped to handle this?

Me: We need to find another name for a girl. We have a name for a boy ready but not another for a girl. 

Shmerson: You’re not even pregnant yet. 

Me: When I got pregnant with him, I wanted a girl. That’s been eating at me ever since. Lili had her name before he had his. He only got his name when we found out he was a boy. 

That can’t happen. If I get pregnant with a girl, she has to have a name in advance. She has to know that she is wanted. Even if I do want to give Lili a little brother. A little sister would be just as welcome, just as loved. We have to have a name. 

Shmerson: Ok, we’ll have a name. We’ll come up with a name.

Fuck. I guess we’re in this.

Fuck.

PS: Still not peeing on sticks or monitoring, so no need to throw stuff.

8 Responses to “I Always Wanted 3 Kids”

  1. Courtney at 04:04 #

    I was insistent on having a name for Bryson for the exact same reason. Reading this gave me the chills and took me back to Hoq, a local restaurant, where I cried to Brian to please just figure out a name so he could feel as wanted and loved as Matthew did.

    When I started reading this post, my first thought was, ‘i bet she counts Nadav.”. 😊

  2. jjiraffe at 00:13 #

    Lovely post. Hugs.

  3. Alissa S at 00:51 #

    Hey there friend. Glad for the update and I totally understand. We didn’t have names for the twins when they arrived and it was very stressful knowing they needed names in such a rushed way. We are also on the path to a second child, although I feel like it’s a bit silly of us. We have 3 kids. Some days it’s enough and some days it isn’t.

    • Mo at 03:50 #

      ❤ I don't think it's silly. I hope you guys make it to 4, and as smoothly as possible. xoxo

  4. Kristen at 00:00 #

    Love to you and fingers crossed all goes smoothly!

  5. Geochick at 20:33 #

    ((Hugs)) as you begin the journey again. It sucks to have to think about it rather than just “do it” like my at of the world.

  6. yael375 at 12:10 #

    Good luck! I was wondering when you would hit this point.

    I’m expecting #3 now… still kinda shocked it’s happening…

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