I Always Wanted 3 Kids

12 Nov

That’s what I told Shmerson tonight as we were wrapping up a meltdown by me which morphed into a semi-fight, which then morphed into a productive conversation.

We’ve made a lot of big decisions around here lately, but we’ve made them with little fanfare and even fewer “official declarations”.

I felt like we had to make it official.

Me: So do you think we’re ready for another kid?

Shmerson: Yes. I think we’re not ready now but we’ll be ready by the time we have the baby. That’s what happened with Lili.

Pause

Me: True. Who knows how long this will actually take, assuming it works.

Shmerson: But I don’t think I can do a third. 

Me: I didn’t think I could do a second up until a couple of months ago. 

Pause

Me: But I always wanted three. Having another one will make it three. 

Quiet.

He’s been visiting me a lot over the last few weeks. My baby boy. Maybe because I want to have a boy now.

Maybe because there’s a small part of me that’s terrified.

What if something goes wrong again? Am I really equipped to handle this?

Me: We need to find another name for a girl. We have a name for a boy ready but not another for a girl. 

Shmerson: You’re not even pregnant yet. 

Me: When I got pregnant with him, I wanted a girl. That’s been eating at me ever since. Lili had her name before he had his. He only got his name when we found out he was a boy. 

That can’t happen. If I get pregnant with a girl, she has to have a name in advance. She has to know that she is wanted. Even if I do want to give Lili a little brother. A little sister would be just as welcome, just as loved. We have to have a name. 

Shmerson: Ok, we’ll have a name. We’ll come up with a name.

Fuck. I guess we’re in this.

Fuck.

PS: Still not peeing on sticks or monitoring, so no need to throw stuff.

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8 Responses to “I Always Wanted 3 Kids”

  1. Courtney November 12, 2015 at 04:04 #

    I was insistent on having a name for Bryson for the exact same reason. Reading this gave me the chills and took me back to Hoq, a local restaurant, where I cried to Brian to please just figure out a name so he could feel as wanted and loved as Matthew did.

    When I started reading this post, my first thought was, ‘i bet she counts Nadav.”. 😊

    • Mo November 12, 2015 at 09:29 #

  2. jjiraffe November 13, 2015 at 00:13 #

    Lovely post. Hugs.

  3. Alissa S November 16, 2015 at 00:51 #

    Hey there friend. Glad for the update and I totally understand. We didn’t have names for the twins when they arrived and it was very stressful knowing they needed names in such a rushed way. We are also on the path to a second child, although I feel like it’s a bit silly of us. We have 3 kids. Some days it’s enough and some days it isn’t.

    • Mo November 16, 2015 at 03:50 #

      ❤ I don't think it's silly. I hope you guys make it to 4, and as smoothly as possible. xoxo

  4. Kristen November 18, 2015 at 00:00 #

    Love to you and fingers crossed all goes smoothly!

  5. Geochick November 21, 2015 at 20:33 #

    ((Hugs)) as you begin the journey again. It sucks to have to think about it rather than just “do it” like my at of the world.

  6. yael375 November 22, 2015 at 12:10 #

    Good luck! I was wondering when you would hit this point.

    I’m expecting #3 now… still kinda shocked it’s happening…

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