Never for a moment did I think 4 months would pass in silence here.
Or maybe I did.
This space lies dormant as my life is a wonderful whirlwind of challenges, triumphs, travel, and motherhood.
Are things perfect? Not even close. I struggle daily as my career has gone from zero to sixty, and I find myself leaving Bunny far more often than I ever thought I would.
I struggle to understand my role as a mother, both amidst my ambitious, careerist nature, and the legacy of loss that has brought me to my wonderful little girl. I originally wrote “baby girl” but she’s not really a baby anymore.
I would post 100 pictures of her here. But she’s too big now. It no longer feels right. She has found her own identity.
As have I.
I have re-embraced my drive and ambition and “leaned in” with all of my might. At the same time, trying to push away the demon that is my ingrained image of what a mother is supposed to be. One who only has her children, and nothing else. That is what I grew up with and I am working like hell to break loose of it.
I am carving out a path that is far different than the one my mother demonstrated. That of an equal partnership, equal parenting, and being a strong, ambitious mother who is building a career.
I can only hope that what I’m modeling for my daughter will be an inspiration and not a hindrance. I assume, like all parents, I’ll most likely be responsible for hours of therapy sessions and countless issues. I have to be ok with that. Because every parent messes up their kid. They just do it differently than their parents before them.
I’m muddling through it, working on embracing motherhood. Working through the anxiety of being different and trying to balance it all. Working through what it means to raise my daughter, while being who I am naturally, but also recognizing the fight and legacy of loss that brought her into my life.
And coming into my own.
For the first time – most likely ever – I feel comfortable in my own skin. I feel absolutely grateful for what I have, and I’m trying to embrace this contentment.
My mother-in-law commented today that I keep on losing weight.
I told her I actually haven’t lost a gram.
Maybe it just re-distributed?
Nope. I’m the same size. Everything fits the same.
So what’s changed?
I hold myself up – just a little higher.
And everything I have at this exact moment? It would not have happened without everything that had come before it – for better, for worse.
Will I return here more often? If I were a betting woman, I’d say yes. But not yet. Not quite.
There will be a moment, sometime in the future, when we will decide it’s time to try to make us a family of four.
And when we decide to jump back into that freezing ocean, I hope this place will continue to be a warm retreat.
And I hope some of you will still be around.
In the meantime, we are basking in the sun, and embracing chaos, routine, and contentment.
I wish all of you the same. I’ll see you again soon.