Owning It

26 Jun

Never for a moment did I think 4 months would pass in silence here.

Or maybe I did.

This space lies dormant as my life is a wonderful whirlwind of challenges, triumphs, travel, and motherhood.

Are things perfect? Not even close. I struggle daily as my career has gone from zero to sixty, and I find myself leaving Bunny far more often than I ever thought I would.

I struggle to understand my role as a mother, both amidst my ambitious, careerist nature, and the legacy of loss that has brought me to my wonderful little girl. I originally wrote “baby girl” but she’s not really a baby anymore.

I would post 100 pictures of her here. But she’s too big now. It no longer feels right. She has found her own identity.

As have I.

I have re-embraced my drive and ambition and “leaned in” with all of my might. At the same time, trying to push away the demon that is my ingrained image of what a mother is supposed to be. One who only has her children, and nothing else. That is what I grew up with and I am working like hell to break loose of it.

I am carving out a path that is far different than the one my mother demonstrated. That of an equal partnership, equal parenting, and being a strong, ambitious mother who is building a career.

I can only hope that what I’m modeling for my daughter will be an inspiration and not a hindrance. I assume, like all parents, I’ll most likely be responsible for hours of therapy sessions and countless issues.  I have to be ok with that. Because every parent messes up their kid. They just do it differently than their parents before them.

I’m muddling through it, working on embracing motherhood. Working through the anxiety of being different and trying to balance it all. Working through what it means to raise my daughter, while being who I am naturally, but also recognizing the fight and legacy of loss that brought her into my life.

And coming into my own.

For the first time – most likely ever – I feel comfortable in my own skin. I feel absolutely grateful for what I have, and I’m trying to embrace this contentment.

My mother-in-law commented today that I keep on losing weight.

I told her I actually haven’t lost a gram.

Maybe it just re-distributed?

Nope. I’m the same size. Everything fits the same.

So what’s changed?

I hold myself up – just a little higher.

And everything I have at this exact moment? It would not have happened without everything that had come before it – for better, for worse.

Will I return here more often? If I were a betting woman, I’d say yes. But not yet. Not quite.

There will be a moment, sometime in the future, when we will decide it’s time to try to make us a family of four.

And when we decide to jump back into that freezing ocean, I hope this place will continue to be a warm retreat.

And I hope some of you will still be around.

In the meantime, we are basking in the sun, and embracing chaos, routine, and contentment.

I wish all of you the same. I’ll see you again soon.

 

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13 Responses to “Owning It”

  1. Steph Mignon June 26, 2015 at 01:43 #

    This is an absolutely gorgeous post! I love your voice mama! And I’m sure your daughter will be proud and in her own way, probably already is. 🙂

  2. Angel June 26, 2015 at 01:57 #

    All is as it should be, dear Mo. Part of the support is cheering for you to move beyond the impossible battle to a good, content, happy place. Hopefully many of us are also doing that too.

    You are not meant to live in this place- you were meant for the sun! And that doesn’t diminish the value and magic of this special place one bit. We’ll be here when and if we’re needed.

  3. Courtney June 26, 2015 at 03:02 #

    Once life takes off, it’s hard to keep up on even the things that were most important to us at one time. I’m thrilled to hear that things are so awesome… You sound so happy!!!

    See you when we see you!

  4. Shelley June 26, 2015 at 04:17 #

    Just beautiful. Love you guys. Enjoy it all!

  5. Arwen June 26, 2015 at 08:20 #

    You are incredible! And if you need a good article on why your career is hugely important this is a great read if you haven’t already seen it:
    Having a working mother works for daughters

    http://gu.com/p/4a4qy?CMP=Share_AndroidApp_Copy to clipboard

  6. TeeJay June 26, 2015 at 16:46 #

    I totally had chills reading this. And I’d be lying if I said I didn’t get a bit teary-eyed. It’s so good to hear from you and to know that you are finding your way. I also worry about being a working mother and leaving my daughter for 11 hours a day. It’s a tough balance for sure. I grew up with a SAH step-mom but my bio mom did not work out of the home, either. There’s definitely a sense of guilt that comes along with that but what part of parenting does not make us feel guilty, right? I can’t wait to hear from you more regularly, when you are ready. I miss you and I know the rest of the readers do, too.

  7. jjiraffe June 26, 2015 at 19:21 #

    I totally get and relate to this post. I miss your voice and your kickass writing, but completely understand why you’ve been absent: you’ve been rocking it! Keep on keeping on…

  8. sangela71 June 27, 2015 at 01:57 #

    Good to read this post and to hear that things are going well!

  9. Daryl June 28, 2015 at 16:02 #

    Love this! This space is yours, to use as you need, and I’m so happy you don’t need it right now!

  10. Mrs T June 29, 2015 at 17:50 #

    I am thrilled that your mojo is back. I remember when you blogged about your creative passions and your hope that you could find them again, and you have! I know motherhood and working hard is a difficult combo, but I’m glad you’re owning it!

  11. Lise July 12, 2015 at 12:20 #

    I miss your posts but I love that you are finding your way with both your career and your family life!

  12. Jo July 22, 2015 at 22:23 #

    I’m just dipping my toes back into the ART blogosphere and I found this. It sums up everything I’m feeling perfectly. Thank you.

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