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Birthday Boy

21 Feb

This week I’ve been teetering between being on the verge of tears and working so much I don’t have to think or feel.

Yesterday at the office, work was no longer enough. I locked myself in a room and cried until I couldn’t any more.

Lucky my little corner of the open space hides my face.

He’s been moody. Blaming work stress, but we both know that’s an excuse.

She’s been clingy. Maybe she’s taking her cues off of me and him. Maybe it’s because I went away for five days and she’s still recovering from that. Maybe it’s because she’s cutting another tooth.

Last night she woke up crying and I went in to comfort her. I started singing, but my voice broke. I cried and cried until he heard me and came in to take her.

This afternoon as he slept, we played. Puzzles. Play dough. Dr. Seuss. Looking at her through a fog. Smiling, but not present.

It was my turn to read her stories and put her to bed. But he did it. I didn’t think I could manage it.

She wakes up crying. Once. Twice. Three times. When he goes in, she yells “momma”. When I go in she yells “aba”. Always both of us. One is not enough tonight.

The fourth time she’s burning up. He asks her if her mouth hurts. She points at it and says “mouth”. We give her something to break the fever. Put her back down in her bed.

Up she goes again. Five times. Six times. She’s feeling better now. But is too wide awake.

The seventh time comes and she’s screaming.

“Maybe I should just take her to our bed and let her fall asleep on me?”

“That hardly works any more.”

I insist.

“Well, nothing else is working.”

“Will you be ok?”

“I think so.”

I go in and pick up my baby girl. She’s red and raw with tears. I take her to our room. She calms.

I hold her on me. She rolls next to me. I put my arms around her and start to rock gently.

“Shhhhhh”

She gently starts whispering a song to herself about the rain. She claps her hands quietly. She strokes my face.

“Shhhhh”

Her breathing slows.

As February 20th ends and the 21st begins, she grabs my finger with her tiny hand and whispers “momma” as she finally drifts off to sleep.

I whisper back.

“Lili.”

I put her back in her bed. Deep in slumber. Quiet.

1am on February 21st and the tears come back again.

Not sure if they’re happy or sad. Not sure if they’re for her, for me, for her father.

But I am sure of one thing.

They are always for him.

Happy third birthday, precious boy.

These tears I’ve cried
I’ve cried 1000 oceans
And if it seems
I’m floating in the darkness
Well, I can’t believe that I would keep
Keep you from flying
And I would cry 1000 more
If that’s what it takes
To sail you home
Sail you home
Sail you home

I’m aware what the rules are
But you know that I will run
You know that I will follow you
Over silbury hill
Through the solar field
You know that I will follow you

And if I find you
Will you still remeber
Playing at trains
Or does this litte blue ball
Just fade away
Over silbury hill
Through the solar field
You know that I will follow you
I’m aware what the rules are
But you know that I will run
You know that I will follow you

These tears I’ve cried
I’ve cried 1000 oceans
And if it seems
I’m floating in the darkness
Well I can’t believe that I would keep
Keep you from flying
So I will cry 1000 more
If that’s what it takes
To sail you home
Sail you home
Sail you home
Sail
Sail you home

nadav

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17 Responses to “Birthday Boy”

  1. Angel February 21, 2015 at 03:20 #

    Crying sad Momma tears for you and your sweet boy, Mo. He is not forgotten.

  2. Karin February 21, 2015 at 03:28 #

    happy birthday Nadav. Keep an eye on your mommy, daddy, and baby sister… They need you now more than ever. Sending hugs and prayers from across the ocean.

  3. Amy February 21, 2015 at 03:59 #

    Hugs, friend. Peace. Love for Nadav. Prayers for gentleness. These birthdays are so very hard, even when we have their siblings to love on in person. 💗

  4. Will CarryOn February 21, 2015 at 05:36 #

    My heart aches with you. You’ve captured the pain, the grief and everything in between that stays with us even as time goes on. Thinking of you, Nadav, and your whole family.

  5. Steph Mignon February 21, 2015 at 06:49 #

    Heart wrenchingly sad. :/ Sending you strength.

  6. Alissa February 21, 2015 at 10:15 #

    Always thinking of you and Nadav. This was a beautiful post and one I feel deep in my heart. I am nearing 3.5 years and still feel the pangs of longing. Hugs to you M.

  7. Daryl February 21, 2015 at 13:07 #

    Love and light to you, friend. To all of you.

  8. Courtney February 21, 2015 at 15:24 #

    Three years. It still feels like yesterday – it certainly doesn’t feel like three years. I think of you guys often during the month of February. Hugs.

  9. Mrs T February 21, 2015 at 15:39 #

    Oh poor sweet family. Remembering Nadav with you.

  10. nickeecoco February 21, 2015 at 17:53 #

    Happy birthday to sweet Nadav. Thinking of you all today and praying for calm and peace during this very difficult time of year.

  11. Theresa February 21, 2015 at 19:04 #

    HUGS HUGS HUGS

  12. Katie February 21, 2015 at 22:15 #

    I remember.

    I remember Nadav. The pain I felt for him. For you.

    Not knowing what to say and wanted to say something to ease some of your pain. I don’t know what I said. I still don’t know what to say.

    Except I remember. And I still hurt for you.

  13. notundecided February 22, 2015 at 00:04 #

    Remembering with you as well. I hope you find things and moments here and there to soften the pain, though I know somewhat better than to wish it all away for you. Nadav will never leave our hearts, either, though I know he inhabits yours in a way I can’t quite truly understand. Abiding with you, and wishing we could do more. xoxox

  14. noemi February 22, 2015 at 08:04 #

    {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

  15. Christina W February 22, 2015 at 15:59 #

    Happy birthday, Nadav. How it really been 3 years? So glad you can take comfort in Lilli.

  16. Kristen February 23, 2015 at 23:16 #

    Love to you and your precious son.

  17. jjiraffe February 26, 2015 at 17:22 #

    Sob. Remembering Nadav now, and always.

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