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“Good Night Baby, I’m Sorry for Being a Crappy Mom”

2 Aug

That’s how I said good night to Bunny tonight.

I was up half the night with her last night. She was crying, she was running a fever. At 6am I finally got her to sleep. At 8am I handed her off to Shmerson and got 3 hours of sleep myself.

I’m in a bit of a tailspin.

We’re drowning in boxes. But really, that’s not the issue.

The issue is that I thought moving closer to work would have a bigger impact on Shmerson than it would on me.

Holy fuck was I wrong.

I realized it a couple of days ago. Basically, for the last 3.5 years I’d been living like a hermit. And moving – it was basically my re-entry into the land of the living.

When we moved away from Tel Aviv after my first miscarriage, I started working from home. As time went on, from one loss to another, I became more and more isolated.

We lived over an hour away from most of our friends, so I didn’t see them much. I would venture out a couple of times a week to teach, or for meetings, but that was basically it.

After losing Nadav keeping to myself became the easier option. I rarely ventured out. Lord knows I had a good excuse. Shmerson started working in Tel Aviv so he would come home late every night. Apart from my mom, I rarely saw anyone.

My isolation became complete once I got pregnant with Bunny and spent 6 months cultivating a dent in the couch.

And after she was born, it wasn’t much different. I would get up, and work, and pick her up from daycare, play with her for a couple of hours, and get her to sleep.

I would still spend about 80% of my waking hours alone. I didn’t have a car, I didn’t have any semblance of a social life. It was work, Bunny, work, Shmerson.

That’s it.

And last week we moved.

And now I’m in the office every day.

Rather than sitting in my PJs answering emails, I’m in the office. Surrounded by people.

ALL THE TIME

And at home we’re drowning in boxes. And I’m not even touching on the political situation, and my devolving sense of security because if I even acknowledged that I would lose my shit.

A couple of days ago I realized I was being short with Shmerson.

I realized that I had barely had 15 minutes to myself in over a week.

It’s not like work time was “me time” when I was at home. But there’s a difference when you’re constantly surrounded by people.

To illustrate the point: I had to do laundry over the weekend because I barely had 5 work-appropriate outfits to wear. That’s how rarely I ventured out.

I was a hermit living in a leper colony, and all of the sudden, I’m getting unleashed on society again.

All of this, and Bunny. The situation here has brought a lot of anxiety to the surface and I’ve hated leaving her every day.

It’s clear she loves her new day care. but she spent most of the week pretty much ignoring me. Not making a fuss when I came to pick her up, barely acknowledging me when she played at home.

I was starting to really be hurt by it. Even though I know these things happen. I was starting to think that I was doing something wrong.

Then Bunny didn’t sleep last night, and I still haven’t gotten 15 minutes to myself (until this moment).

Shmerson spent a large chunk of today unpacking and hauling boxes. So he left me to take a nap, and I gave Bunny her bath and put her to bed.

On bad days, it takes her about 40 minutes.

Today it took her almost two hours.

An hour in, I was already beginning to lose my patience. She kept half falling asleep, and then waking up again. Sometimes screaming, sometimes laughing, wanting to play.

And my patience was wearing thinner and thinner.

An hour an 20 minutes in I couldn’t take it any more. I woke up Shmerson and told him to take over.

As he took Bunny out of my arms and took over I kissed her good night and said “Good night Baby, I’m sorry for being a crappy mom.”

30 minutes later she was asleep.

And I’m here, typing this out. Feeling endlessly guilty. I should have found the patience. It’s not like I’m with her 24/7. In practice I only really spend 3 hours a day with her. I should have found the patience.

I feel like such a shitty mom. And so overwhelmed.

And rambling, and disorganized.

And that’s about it.

Sorry – I know this was all over the place.

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15 Responses to ““Good Night Baby, I’m Sorry for Being a Crappy Mom””

  1. April August 2, 2014 at 19:26 #

    You are not a crappy mom.

    It is a huge, huge adjustment to go from hermithood to people, people, all the time. Fifteen minutes is not enough for me, and you know it’s not enough for you. Take a good-sized chunk for yourself. It will help.

    It’s okay to feel this way. Really, it is. Just like it’s okay to feel that it’s not okay.

    I know you know these things, just like I do, but I need to hear them sometimes anyway.

    You’re not a crappy mom.

    • Mo August 2, 2014 at 20:51 #

      Thanks hon. I did need to hear that. :/

  2. kerryb August 2, 2014 at 19:30 #

    Anxiety + fussy baby + no sleep is already enough to bear, add in your current country situation, and well frankly, I don’t even know how you are handling it as well as you are. Please know you are filled with positive thoughts from over here!

    • Mo August 2, 2014 at 20:51 #

      Thanks!

  3. Amy August 2, 2014 at 20:43 #

    Hey, friend. I’m a few months ahead of you in this parenting-a-babe-after-loss-with-anxiety thing, and I fully get where you are (well, except for the physical safety part…we’re quite safe where I live). I was losing my mind, no patience ever, and overwhelmed with guilt. Telling my DH I needed help never worked. He just didn’t get it. What has helped, in addition to getting to work from home twice a week (although with kiddo at home, so not anxiety/stress free), has been a voluntary reduction in work hours. I chose a day mid-week when my kiddo is in daycare. Even though I still get up at the same time as every other day, still shower, dress and drive him 35 minutes to daycare (right by my office), I get the remainder of that day – until I have to leave to pick him up – to myself. It’s been a life saver. I actually just weaned myself off of Pa.xil (possibly a mistake since this is Aliya and Bennett’s 3rd anniversary week, but so far, so good). There are still days that are overwhelming, but nothing like before. Sure, I’ve taken a financial hit, but so far it’s worth it. I’m doing it through the end of the year, and then I’ll reevaluate. Could either telecommuting 1 or 2 days, or cutting hours back on a day that Bunny is in daycare, work for you? (The other huge help was sleep training baby. With few exceptions, he’s slept 11-12 hours every night since. Naps sometimes (like tight this second) can be a different story.)

    • Mo August 2, 2014 at 20:50 #

      Hi hon,
      I think maybe going back to telecommuting once a week may end up being the right solution. But it just feels so WEIRD to do that when I’m literally a ten minute walk away. I’ll have to see how it goes. Thanks for the support. Hang in there this week! Email me if you need to talk.

  4. Karin August 2, 2014 at 21:42 #

    If you are a crappy mom, that makes me to worst. I have two almost 5 year olds, a wonderful hubs, supportive sister, awesome job and boss. I lose my shit daily, and I don’t have to live with half the craziness you do since I am in the US. Every day I tell myself I will do better, I won’t yell. All I want is five minutes to myself. I am a horrible mom but I love my kids, same as you. Hope it helps knowing you are not alone.

  5. Heather August 2, 2014 at 21:56 #

    Ah, mommy guilt. It never ends, does it?
    And by the way I’m sorry that you are going through this hard time of being surrounded by people without much time for yourself. Sending hugs.

  6. Daryl August 3, 2014 at 03:35 #

    I think I have thought and/or said those very words at least once a day since baby girl was born. And even though I know it’s not true, it feels true at that moment. And nothing feels worse. I’m sorry you’re dealing with so many stressful things all at once. I hope things settle down soon. And if you can figure out a way to get a few extra minutes to yourself, even better. I just wanted to let you know that even though you’re a great mom, you’re not alone in feeling just the opposite sometimes.

  7. journeyformybaby August 3, 2014 at 04:06 #

    We all have those days! I wrote a post recently about mommy guilt. It’s really hard not to have it! Sometimes you just need a moment to your self. It’s not that you feel you have had too much time with baby, it’s just too much time without a break from life and other people. Try not to beat yourself up over it. You are a good mom, doing your best in the circumstances that you are in right now.

  8. Stacey August 3, 2014 at 05:15 #

    Been there!

  9. expectantmummy August 3, 2014 at 12:16 #

    The guilt of being a mummy, it’s there as soon as we conceive and it never ever ever goes away, if it did then we’d be shitty mum’s because we wouldn’t care. You are a wonderful mum big hugs xxx

  10. Theresa August 3, 2014 at 14:50 #

    Hey, I get it. Sometimes I spend all day at work, and people (and other peoples kids) and I Get home and think about how I look forward to the twins bedtime….and then I feel guilty. (((HUGS)))) You are NOT a bad mom.

  11. Alissa S August 4, 2014 at 04:44 #

    Nope, you are not alone. I lose patience with C every day. He obviously acts out more around me than anyone else and it hurts my feelings. My mom is always saying,”he never does that with me”, and I’m like…thanks.
    He is growing more and more defiant and taunts the dog, both of which drive me to yell. I hate yelling. You aren’t the only one who needs that time to yourself to calm your shit. It means you are a GOOD mom that you know your limits and ask for help. It’s better than wearing yourself thin and taking it out on Bunny. We all get overwhelmed with motherhood and life stress. Just do your best and when you think you have been ‘a crappy mommy’, make it up to her later. She won’t even remember it.

    Hugs.

  12. jjiraffe August 4, 2014 at 06:02 #

    You’re an awesome mom, going through a huge and stressful transition coupled with being in the middle of a terrifying political situation. That is so stressful!

    (((hugs)))) You are a rock star mom powering through tough stuff. Be kind to yourself.

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