Hanging Out at the Station

6 May

Bunny turned 8 months old on Monday.

And all around me, people who have given birth around the same time as me, or perhaps a little before or after, are either discussing, working on, or already pregnant with baby number 2.

When it was starting to be clear that my pregnancy with Bunny was going to have a happy ending, Shmerson and I had a discussion. He was worried that I would want to jump directly to baby number 2 after Bunny was born. He was afraid that no time would pass and I would feel the pressure – and pressure him – to start trying again.

I was pretty sure that within months I would want to go again. As much as he didn’t trust me, I didn’t trust myself either. And logically we both knew that if nothing else, my body needed time to recover.

So we made a deal: No discussing baby number 2 until Bunny was 18 months old. That felt like a really long time for me. I thought for sure that even with that promise, I would never actually be willing to wait that long. I assumed that by the time Bunny would be about 6 months old I’d be hiding the condoms and peeing on sticks.

Now that everyone around me is back on the Baby Crazy Train, I thought for sure I would want to hop on board with both feet. I was waiting to have that itch to go again.

Monday night was Israel’s Independence Day. It’s holidays like these that make me look back and reflect, and also look ahead.  We went to my parents’ place to get a good view of the fireworks. Bunny was asleep in the guest bedroom, and Shmerson and I hugged on the balcony and watched.

This time last year, we hadn’t quite reached viability yet. I was going absolutely stir crazy and I was TERRIFIED. Looking at those fireworks, I couldn’t quite believe how far we’d come.

There are days I still feel like she’s not real. That I just look at her in awe. That I feel like my head is about to explode because holy crap – this amazing creature is mine to keep.

So on Monday night as we watched the fireworks, I looked ahead to next year and did the math: a year from now Bunny would be 20 months old. That’s two months past the 18 month “green light”. Will I be pregnant again?

Then, it hit me like a ton of bricks: Will I even WANT to be pregnant again?

The truth is that the answer is “maybe not”.

When we first got on the Baby Crazy Train I wanted three kids. There are days I still think that I want 3. But then I do the math. I’m almost 34. 35 is considered advanced maternal age and we already needed some medical intervention to conceive Bunny. So if we want 3, we can’t really take our time about it.

And getting pregnant for me is just the beginning of an ongoing nightmare. How many tries will we need to make another baby stick?

And say that baby sticks – that means another cerclage. Most likely bed rest at least for part of the pregnancy (even if it’s voluntary and just for my sanity). 9 months of anxiety again.

And this time we have Bunny to think about.

When I put that all together – I’m not quite sure I want 3 any more. I’m not quite sure how much more I can handle.

My body and my soul have been through the ringer. I NEVER want to go back there again. I will never again spend 3.5 years straight either pregnant or trying to get pregnant in pursuit of a baby.

I can’t do that ever again.

Yes – I want to bring Bunny a little brother or sister. Yes, perhaps 2 more would be nice.

But will we even be able to make it happen?

And even if we can…

I want to enjoy my baby girl. We have to move and get some more stability and cut down our commute. I want to continue to get my body back. I want to continue to get to know myself. I want to get back to enjoying my husband and my marriage. I’m working very hard on getting a life right now and I’d like to keep it for a while.

All of those things are important. All of those things would be pushed aside in pursuit of number 2.

So on Monday night, as I contemplated where we’d be a year from now, I literally felt dread at the thought of being pregnant.

Dread. This is how much I’m NOT ready to think about number 2.

And I don’t think I’ve ever surprised myself more.

Even with everyone around me working on it. Even with my dwindling fertility and the ever-ticking biological clock.

Maybe when we hit 18 months I’ll be ready. Heck – maybe I’ll even be hungry for it by then.

But for the first time in a long time  – I’ve taken myself out of the race. I don’t  feel the pressure. I don’t feel like I want to play catch-up with anybody.

I have chosen not to hop on this Baby Crazy Train.

For now, I’ll hang out at the station and play a game of peek-a-boo with Bunny.

And I’m just fine with that.

You may now pick your jaw up off the floor.

7 Responses to “Hanging Out at the Station”

  1. Amy May 7, 2014 at 01:16 #

    No shock or judgment here, maybe because I can relate. This parentin after IF and loss thing is something that nothin could have prepared me for, and it’s freaking tough. My PPA doesn’t help, but I’m only just getting to the point if even being willing to talk about the maybes. Asher is 10.5 months old. I’m 40. It took IVF to get this guy with my diminished ovarian reserve, and it’s very questionable whether we’d even get a single viable embryo another time, like we did this time. And emotionally, I’m not sure I can handle the near-constant fear in anothe pregnancy, and all the interventions…plus – and I know many parents wonder this, even non-loss parents – but would another child take away from Asher and my love for him? More questions than answers, to be sure…but as a start, I’m working on dropping the 20+ pounds I’ve been shielding myself with so that if we decide to TTC again, my physical body would be ready.

  2. Trisha May 7, 2014 at 02:25 #

    Ah there is so much about this post that I feel I could have written myself. I SO badly want to give my Muppet a brother or sister but at the same time I am so scared of getting back into that dark place that I was during our journey to get her. I don’t ever want to neglect her because I’m too busy worrying about yet another pregnancy that may or may not work.

    I think it is so important right now to just concentrate on how you are feeling. If the thought of another pregnancy brings dread then you are obviously not ready. You will know when the time is right. Just enjoy every moment with Bunny. You deserve so much happiness and peace.

  3. Courtney May 7, 2014 at 05:10 #

    I can’t say I blame you. I’ve been thinking long and hard about this for us lately – the idea of #3. As I learn more about my uterine situation, I sort of wonder if I even want to go down that route. Do I want to spend all of those months worrying that at any moment, we could have a rupture? And you’re absolutely right – you have Bunny to think about. I have my boys to think about. How would I handle bed rest, or an early hospitalization and baby in the NICU with two boys at home? It may just not make sense.

    But then there’s the want for another. It’s a hard feeling to fight.

    Thinking of you… and so glad you’re at the station. I wish I was young like you (you ARE young) and could take some time to think more about it.

  4. pjsarecomfyn May 7, 2014 at 18:34 #

    It makes perfect sense to me. Your past before Bunny and Bunny’s pregnancy was really traumatic. I think I would be in the same boat. I agree, wait a year and see how you feel. It would be too much with Bunny so little and then you’d be worried about the pregnancy and feel guilty for not being able to devot as much to her. Take your time. Biological clock, schmiological clock…that kind of works.. you have enough going on, just keep enjoying it.

  5. Lise May 7, 2014 at 21:40 #

    I feel exactly the same way. I was so sure that I would already be stressed out about getting pregnant again by now, but honestly I just want to enjoy my beautiful girl. I’m already 35 and needed IVF to get pregnant so I guess I should hurry up but I’m really not ready right now.

  6. Alissa S May 8, 2014 at 05:33 #

    I am right there with ya my friend. Besides my age and the ticking clock I am in no hurry. I feel so many of the feelings you are experiencing. We have decided now that C is 16 months that June will be the start of non-prevention, but I have no sense of urgency right now. If no magical conception happens in a few months, I will think about trying harder…but I need to stay sane for my family. There is too much at risk right now. I would love to give Coop a sibling, but not if it means ruining what we have. I’m with you 100%.

    • Yael May 12, 2014 at 11:00 #

      we’ve been not preventing since ds was born, and as such I have had another miscarriage already since…Ds is still nursing at least 2x a day and he is not ready to wean. I won’t wean for a new baby until it is for sure/actually alive … I refuse to go back for the last frozen embryos till ds is at least 2 (and I have to wean first)…but am hoping for a natural one before then…I would love to get it in the window where he is 2 and I’m not yet 40– but it’s only a 3 month window (so obviously the odds are way against me)…

      Good for you for resisting the pressure…

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