PPA Part 4 – Doctors

13 Apr

“Trust your gut.”

But how will I know if it’s something serious?

“Trust your gut. You know her best.”

(I know her best.)

(Of course I know her best.)

(I also know that I can’t trust my gut.)

So what are the warning signs?

“There aren’t any. Trust your gut.”


My gut tells me that doctors can’t be trusted.

My gut tells me that when doctors say “everything will be fine” nothing is fine and I lose my son.

My gut tells me to be afraid. Always be afraid. Always expect the worst. Always.

If I trusted my gut, I’d never take her to a doctor.

If I trusted my gut, I’d be at the doctor’s office twice a day.

Then there’s the history. She’s registered under my health care plan. Her medical history is my medical history.

5 pregnancies. One premature labor. High-risk pregnancy. No other living children.

So the pediatricians. They know. They know I’m scared. They know I’m anxious. So they don’t take me seriously.

But I’m trying to trust my gut. My baby’s not eating.

“Sometimes babies don’t eat.”

But she screams when she has a bottle in her mouth.

“Don’t overreact.”

I’m not overreacting.

“Here – try this formula”

It’s helping but it’s not enough.

“It is enough (stop being so anxious).”

It’s not enough. Should I take her to a specialist?

“Trust your gut.”

But how do I know that thee pediatricians aren’t right? That I’m not just being anxious?

“Trust your gut.”

But my gut is what makes me scared that it’s not just what I think it is – that it’s something 100 times worse. That even the specialist is wrong.

“The doctors say everything will be fine. The specialist gave her a prescription now. They say everything will be fine. ”

Fuck doctors. Doctors are not gods. Doctors can be wrong.

Doctors have been wrong.

Doctors have been so fucking wrong.

“So trust your gut.”

But my gut is even more wrong.

My gut is scared shitless. My heart is scared shitless. My head is scared shitless.

I’m scared shitless.

I’m her mommy. I’m supposed to know. Where does the fear stop and the knowing begin?

4 Responses to “PPA Part 4 – Doctors”

  1. justwedding April 14, 2014 at 06:25 #

    Reading this makes me so sad for you. You have been through more than one person should have to bear. It is not surprising that you didn’t emerge unscathed.

    I imagine you’ve already tried this, but counseling made a big difference to me when I was trying to move on after a trauma.

  2. journeyformybaby April 14, 2014 at 06:48 #

    Everyone always says this. I don’t trust doctors and I don’t trust myself. I can only trust God but I still might not like His answer. Its hard. Just do your best and try not to second guess yourself.

  3. jadooni April 14, 2014 at 11:09 #

    Hi. I feel the emotions in your post. I am a first time mommy and I know how it feels when we think there is something wrong. Yes, you really have to trust your gut plus try to consult some people who had babies too. They can share some tips here and there. It will just be up to you to weigh on which advice you will take. At least you will have someone to let out to. Also, try to find a doctor who you find very comfortable with. The one that makes you feel safe the moment you step in his/her clinic. That’s what I did. We tried a number of doctors and stuck to the one who treats us with care – the one who treats the baby like he is someone so important.:)

  4. lydiaseeks April 14, 2014 at 16:42 #

    These entries are so insanely powerful. Please keep writing about it, women need to see they aren’t alone when they go through things like this. Anxiety is a bitch.

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