So. Bunny started day care.
The first day I dropped her off, I literally sat in the car, outside the day care center for AN HOUR AND A HALF crying like a baby. It brought every single anxiety I’ve been feeling to the surface.
I called my brother and he reminded me that my mother not letting us find our independence is a huge reason we’re both a bit messed up.
That thought and a mixture of emotional detachment and xan.ax got me through week one. It was clear that I was the one who needed adjusting. Bunny seemed to like it there. Shmerson (who did the majority of the dropping-off) commented on how he could hear her do her happy squeal as he was leaving.
Yes, she got home exhausted and I felt like I was completely missing out on her. But I knew it would get better.
They also started giving her solids. I’d done a small introduction to them, and I was totally on board with them taking the reigns.
Then – the tummy trouble started. I won’t go into detail – but it wasn’t pretty.
Then – Bunny literally started screaming just at the sight of a bottle and has been refusing food since Monday.
It was a perfect storm – starting solids, she had just finished cutting her first two teeth, some sort of virus which made her throat hurt, and her reflux is definitely worse.
I took her to the doctor on Tuesday. He said I just had to ride it out. He suggested I talk to the gastro specialist about the new eating issues.
I’ve been home with her ever since. Every bottle is a fight. She’s miserable. I’m miserable.
The gastro specialist got back to me today and I missed his call. Once I managed to call him back he didn’t have time to talk and just said we should switch meds. Though I didn’t get a chance to tell him she’s been crying just at the SIGHT of a bottle. But we’ll make the switch and hope for the best.
But in the meantime, she’s losing weight.
AND EVERYTHING IS FLOODING TO THE SURFACE
My mistrust of doctors. I’ve been told before that everything would be fine by a doctor then it wasn’t. I no longer believe everything will be fine.
My guilt at putting Bunny in day care.
My incredible anxiety that something bad will happen to her.
And on and on.
Oh – I’m also blaming the day care for making my baby sick. Even though I know it’s normal and it happens. I just want to pull her out of there. It’s a perfectly nice place. I just want her home with me.
It’s a perfectly nice place that I no longer trust because my daughter refuses to eat.
It’s a perfectly nice place that gets to enjoy my daughter for the majority of her awake and energetic day. While I do what – effing internet content? Some days it just doesn’t seem to be worth it.
Logically I know she needs to stay. I just don’t know how the hell I’m going to be able to drop her off on Monday without freaking out and/or calling every 3 minutes.
It’s been a miserable couple of days. I’m seriously afraid that the eating issue and other tummy issues are not just a virus and reflux but something worse. I’ve been avoiding Dr. Google like the plague. I’ve been crying. I’ve been worried. I’ve been anxious.
I hate this. Everything is flooding me. I’m completely overwhelmed with anxiety. And I know this is TERRIBLE for her. I need to fucking let go and relax.
But she’s not eating. And she’s in pain. And she’s paler than usual and I can tell she’s lost weight. And I feel helpless.
I hate this.