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33.

26 Sep

Yesterday was my 33rd birthday.

This is what 30 looked like (pregnancy #2).

This was 31 (about to get pregnant with Nadav, thinking the worst was behind me).

This was 32 (trying to achieve pregnancy #5, mourning, mourning, mourning Nadav).

On Tuesday night, I was feeling a little down. I understood that it was connected somehow to my birthday but I wasn’t quite sure how. Then I realized, it was just a bit of a sting. A hint of what should have been. 33 was not “supposed” to be the year I became a mother to a living child. That was “supposed” to happen at 30. I spent Tuesday missing Nadav, and reliving my first three losses again. It wasn’t horrible, just a heaviness that sort of sat on my shoulders for a while.

So the night before my 33rd birthday, I spent mourning what could have been.

But that mourning was short lived.

On the morning I turned 33 I left Bunny at home with her dad. I got in the car after not having driven for over 6 months. I went to the mall and to the supermarket. I went grocery shopping alone for the first time in months and months. I went window shopping for a dress for my brother-in-law’s wedding.

I walked around the shops for a while, browsing, mostly ignoring dresses and looking for something cute for Bunny. I didn’t buy her anything, but I casually looked around. It was nice.

When I was done shopping and was loading the groceries into the car it hit me like a ton of bricks. I had been out of the house for 2 hours. This was the longest I’d been away from Bunny since the day she was born. On the drive home I was singing a little happy song to myself. It had been two hours, and I was so excited to be seeing my daughter again. I realized how much I missed her and just wanted to see her little face.  The prospect of seeing her again made me feel like a giddy teenager.

When I walked in the house I didn’t care that one of my best friends had come to visit and was waiting for me with a present. I made a beeline for Bunny and kissed her all over. It took several minutes until I even acknowledged anyone else in the room, or the fact that there were groceries that were still waiting in the trunk of the car.

In the evening, my parents came over to watch Bunny so Shmerson and I could go out (thank you formula!). We headed to our favorite restaurant and ordered a bottle of Cava, which I attacked with appropriate relish after not having a drop of alcohol for ten months (and of course after calling to check on Bunny).

Sometime during dinner I went to the bathroom, and found myself looking in the mirror.

And it hit me.

I haven’t looked in the mirror – I mean REALLY looked in the mirror in over three years. Always in passing, never truly looking. I looked away for three years. I avoided myself. Always.

And yet over the past three weeks I’ve been looking in mirrors. Examining myself. Looking at myself holding Bunny. Even asking Shmerson to take the occasional picture of me with Bunny. Because I want pictures of us together. I’m supposed to hate getting my picture taken. Not so much any more. I look tired. I’m fat – there’s no getting around that fact. I have stretch marks up the wazoo. But that doesn’t really bother me that much. Because I also look vibrant. I look happy.

And when I look in the mirror, I no longer feel the urge to look away.

We enjoyed the restaurant, but we didn’t stay too long. As soon as the check was paid I didn’t want to linger. Yes, it was nice to be out. It was nice to be tipsy.

It was even nicer to be heading home to my daughter.

I got home and covered her in kisses. And cuddled her for hours.

meandbunny

 

This is what 33 looks like.

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28 Responses to “33.”

  1. Courtney September 26, 2013 at 19:57 #

    33 looks beautiful on you, Mo! Happy birthday!!!!

  2. JustHeather September 26, 2013 at 20:12 #

    Happy birthday, Mo! This sounds like 33 is a beautiful year for you.

  3. theyellowblanket September 26, 2013 at 20:24 #

    Happy Birthday, Mo! You just made me cry.

  4. Amanda P. September 26, 2013 at 20:34 #

    Happy birthday! 33 is looking absolutely perfect on you!

  5. nonsequiturchica September 26, 2013 at 20:45 #

    I can’t tell you how happy this post makes me because you are so HAPPY. Love it. Happy birthday!

  6. jaclyn September 26, 2013 at 20:46 #

    Happy birthday!!! xoxoxo

  7. slese1014 September 26, 2013 at 20:53 #

    Happy 33rd! I think this post needs a love button because it just makes me smile ear to ear. Snuggle up with Bunny and enjoy!!

  8. SRB September 26, 2013 at 21:00 #

    This is my favourite post of yours, ever. Many happy returns to you my friend. It’s wonderful to see you shine like this. XO

  9. Heather September 26, 2013 at 21:08 #

    Happy Birthday Mo! So happy for you.

  10. Amy September 26, 2013 at 21:11 #

    Happy birthday, dearie! You look marvelous! ❤

  11. Monica September 26, 2013 at 21:24 #

    Happy Birthday! In re-reading all three birthday posts…..the last line from your 32nd came true. Hope against hope that 33 is easier. I am so very happy for you that it is easier. Maybe not on the timeline you wanted – but you got your bunny!

  12. Amy September 26, 2013 at 22:14 #

    Happiest belated birthday to you, Mo!

  13. Low Fat LadyLowfatlady September 27, 2013 at 00:03 #

    Happy birthday! I am so glad you get to start enjoying life again 🙂

  14. pjsarecomfyn September 27, 2013 at 00:41 #

    Happy Birthday! Vibrant indeed!

  15. Daryl September 27, 2013 at 01:16 #

    Happy happy happy happy birthday, Mo!

  16. Theresa September 27, 2013 at 03:07 #

    33 looks awesome!

  17. Christina September 27, 2013 at 03:56 #

    33 suits you quite well. You can just see the love, joy and contentment in your face. I’m so very very happy for you all!

  18. psychsarah September 27, 2013 at 15:24 #

    Happy birthday! It’s so wonderful to read about your joy and love of Bunny-the best gift of all!

  19. Kathy September 27, 2013 at 18:13 #

    Happy 33rd Birthday ! You look beautiful and happy ! Cheers to a great year ahead filled with joy and new beginnings

  20. Mrs T September 27, 2013 at 20:03 #

    This post makes me so, so happy!

  21. Mrs T September 27, 2013 at 20:05 #

    Oh and I should add — it doesn’t wear off either! I am so excited to pick my daughter up from work every.single.day.

  22. Anne September 27, 2013 at 20:24 #

    Happy Birthday Mo! I have been a reader of yours for awhile, but your most recent posts have been bringing me to tears more than ones in the past. The joy and contentment from your posts is palpable. It radiates through your writing, is so long in the coming, and so well deserved. What a lucky baby Bunny is to have you as her mommy.

  23. jjiraffe September 27, 2013 at 20:50 #

    This post made my day. You look radiant with Bunny.

    Miss OhKay is right: it doesn’t wear off. I’m still thrilled to see the twins every day, and they’re almost 6.

  24. l September 27, 2013 at 21:09 #

    Not all 33 look like you … but YOU LOOK LIKE BABY & LOVE.

  25. alissa s September 28, 2013 at 05:19 #

    This made me tear up. You and bunny look so happy and content. I am looking forward to turning 33 next week with cooper in my arms. The first birthday in a long time where I have been happy about the year advancing. I wish you a happy birthday!

  26. loribeth September 29, 2013 at 17:14 #

    You look fabulous!! Happy birthday! 🙂

  27. marwil September 30, 2013 at 13:58 #

    Happy belated birthday!! So happy you finally got to celebrate with baby in your arms. Beautiful.

  28. Kristen October 4, 2013 at 23:00 #

    Happy Birthday!!! You look so beautiful!!!
    So sorry for the sadness associated with Nadav…

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