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An Open Letter to Braxton Hicks

21 Aug

Dear Mr. Hicks (if that’s even your real name),

You are a sadistic bastard. I don’t know where you came up with the insane idea of fake contractions, but the whole concept proves that you are a sick, sick man.

And that whole thing about them not hurting, and just feeling like muscles tightening? You are a lying lier that lies. They hurt. They hurt like hell.

So the pain starts and I get my hopes up –  thinking “Ok! Maybe this is finally it!”

But then you’re all: “Ha ha! Screw you! That was just me and my fakety fake fake contractions! They’re not going to be regular or anything! No labor for you today!”

And then all I can do is sit around, and be frustrated.  Again

Seriously, what is your problem? What kind of twisted brain comes up with this? You’ve got issues.

Look, I get that my body needs to “rev up” for the real deal. I assume there was some sort of committee that somehow put you in charge of deciding how to get that to happen.

I’m also pretty sure that the committee is either corrupt or made up completely of men (who are most likely Republicans). Because your ideas are sadistic and stupid.

So eff you and your stupid fake contractions. I’m planning a huge protest against you. With signs and everything. Just as soon as I get this baby out of me.

Sincerely,

Mo

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16 Responses to “An Open Letter to Braxton Hicks”

  1. Kathryn August 21, 2013 at 15:12 #

    Well, if it makes you feel better… I sort of think of them as real contractions that are softening your cervix and dilating you a little… they are necessary and going to make labor much easier … in fact, it’s going to be a breeze! (that’s what I’m saying anyway) but, I get it, it’s not “go time” contractions. They fake you out and you have to wait around more days for la bebe. Come on B5! 🙂

  2. Kate August 21, 2013 at 15:29 #

    I wanna march with signs too! BH can suck it. (Maybe that’s what my sign will say)
    I remember the frustration well. I’m sorry you’re going through it now.

  3. Wannabemom August 21, 2013 at 15:38 #

    Soon, grasshopper, soon. xo

  4. Donna August 21, 2013 at 16:04 #

    If you’re this far along and they hurt that much, then I think you totally get to call them “real” contractions. You may not actually be in “labor”, but whatever, if they feel real, they are. Seriously I had them for a full week with my first and they never felt different when they were real. Those are thems! Doctors and their semantics. So annoying!

  5. Erin August 21, 2013 at 18:56 #

    Ok I am REALLY late to this party but HOLY CRAP YOU ARE PREGNANT!! Somehow when Google reader went bye-bye and I transferred to a different reader, your blog got majorly lost in translation — the new reader held on to a site that was just mommyodyssey.com. So I’d thought for all this time that you just hadn’t been blogging! I have some MAJOR catching up to do. I am so thrilled for you and can’t believe you’re about to have a little girl! Just made my day. 🙂

    • Mo August 21, 2013 at 19:00 #

      Aww thanks Erin! I did walk away for a bit and my domain got stolen, which I’m sure is part of it. Glad you found your way back! 🙂

  6. expectantmummy August 21, 2013 at 19:56 #

    Reblogged this on expectant mummy and commented:
    brilliant!

  7. expectantmummy August 21, 2013 at 19:58 #

    Feeling your fakety fake fake pain 😦 2 hospital admissions and a host of painkillers later and still nothing 😦 *Paints protest signs* xxxx

  8. 4n6princess August 21, 2013 at 21:58 #

    I’ve read your blog for a really long time but I’ve never commented. I figured by the time that darling little girl gets here, you may not have a lot of time to blog so I wanted to send my best wishes for y’all! You’ve had such a long and hard road. I was so thrilled when I got that subscription email saying B5 was on her way. And throughout your pregnancy, I’ve been so excited to hear a flurry of good news with every email. I am most looking forward to the posts about not getting any sleep, blowouts and funny stories 🙂 My best advice for labor is this, they say you cannot have water. Fuck that noise! Do not be afraid to threaten, bribe and maim Shmerson for water. The nurses are gonna be all, oh here’s some ice chips. And you are gonna be like, I will CUT EVERYONE IN HERE IF SOMEONE DOES NOT GIVE ME A BIG ASS GLASS OF WATER. So wait until the nurse is distracted and have Shmerson put some water in that ice chip cup! Then drink it real fast and pretend you have no idea how you got that water. 😉

    Good luck and I guess saying break a leg would be weird so…break your water? You will rock labor and delivery! ❤

  9. Theresa August 21, 2013 at 22:51 #

    Ugh. I had those from week 22 on. Granted mine didn’t hurt but damn they were a pain.in.the.ass. Here’s hoping its a sign of b5 coming soon

  10. Erin August 21, 2013 at 23:50 #

    I love that even in the midst of all of this, you are still able to write funny, witty, make me laugh out load posts. On my best day with no anxiety, no pain, and the ability to focus completely I am not able to do that. If I wore hats I’d take it off to you…. but I don’t look good in hats so I’m gonna have to find something else to take off to you 🙂

  11. ozifrog August 22, 2013 at 13:23 #

    Mo, two days of that “braxton hicks kicked up a notch” was the start of my actual labour…so here’s hoping this is also the case for you. I sat around and watched the Olympics almost all night…. Not sure what’s kicking around on tele for you!?!

  12. Keisha August 22, 2013 at 15:18 #

    I had that for a week before actual labor kicked in. I felt like it helped prepare me for what it was going to feel like. Good luck, Mo! It sounds like you are getting close. I can’t wait to hear that you are holding your little girl in your arms.
    P.S. I’m Cristy’s friend, “Maggie”. ❤

  13. Yael August 22, 2013 at 22:14 #

    I think when you have the painful braxton hicks, you are making progress…that’s part of how some women end up with short labors (don’t freak out….it will be what it will be,and it will be okay)…we love you!

  14. Christina Williams August 23, 2013 at 05:34 #

    Hey, now. Those could be totally legit contractions. See prodromal labor (http://thebirthteacher.blogspot.com/2008/12/prodromal-labor.html). It’s likely just really really early labor. Right?

    Sorry they are soo annoying, but they are doing something. And Yay for mucus plug?!

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Nope. | Mommy Odyssey - August 26, 2013

    […] Braxton Hicks stopped showing up a couple of days ago. The […]

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