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A Few Guidelines

20 Aug

Ok guys I will start by saying that I love you all, and your comments are a huge source of strength for me, truly.

But I’ve had a few comments lately that make me feel the need to address you all as a whole, because going one by one here does not seem to cut it.

So please take a moment to put up with my bitter.

I am an RPLer with severe PTSD. I am currently in what is probably the most anxiety-ridden part of this very anxiety-filled pregnancy. I have written here more than once about how hard it is for me to deal. The smallest thing right now sends me into a tailspin that involves crying and sometimes hours of obsessing and worry.

I know you are all trying to be supportive, and that’s awesome, but some of you have been writing out words and scenarios in the comments that are triggering to me. So now, rather than going into a blog comment looking forward to getting a bit of bloggy love, I’m starting to dread what I will read.

This is my space, and I need it for my sanity right now. Please help me keep it safe. Here’s how:

No matter the context please refrain from using the “s” word – I’m not going to type it out here, because typing it out will give me a panic attack. It ends in “th”. It’s what happened to Nadav. I can’t read it, no matter the context. So don’t use it. Also any combination of words that mean the same as that word. It’s just bad all around.

Please do not go into detail about your fears of what “could have happened” to your baby or any other baby. I know what can go wrong. Long diatribes and descriptions about what can go wrong is the last thing I need to read right now. I have enough of that running through my head as it is.

Please don’t tell me that I’m doing something wrong unless you truly think I am endangering B5. The mere hint that my doctors are stearing me the wrong way is enough to send me into a tailspin right now. I have to trust them, otherwise I have nothing.

Please do keep sharing your stories and experiences. Just please think twice before writing out detailed worst-case scenarios. I can’t read those right now. I just can’t.

Don’t think I’m ungrateful. I truly love all of you. But I’ve had 3 panic attacks today because of comments on my own blog. I really need to protect myself right now. I’m sorry.

Even though I initially approved some of them, I’ve now deleted all the comments that were a trigger. Sorry to those of you I deleted, I just have to protect myself here. I know you all meant well, and I’m not mad or anything. Please don’t stop reading or showing your support, it truly does mean the world to me. I just need a little eggshell walking right now, ok? Ok.

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32 Responses to “A Few Guidelines”

  1. Karin August 20, 2013 at 01:46 #

    One word… Hugs!

  2. missohkay August 20, 2013 at 01:47 #

    I would be terrified in your position too. I hope everyone can understand and support your guidelines. Sending lots of love to the whole Shmerson family.

  3. Courtney August 20, 2013 at 01:57 #

    Hugs and love, my friend!

    B5 will be here before you know it! Looking forward to meeting her and to your instant relief once she is here! You need some peace!

  4. Haley August 20, 2013 at 02:10 #

    Thinking of you often! Hang in there. Pump up the jam, pump it up… Sorry it just came to me and I shared.

    • Mo August 20, 2013 at 02:11 #

      Lol. Glad you did!

  5. KeAnne August 20, 2013 at 02:21 #

    Hugs to you & sending love to you & your family.

  6. JourneyGirl August 20, 2013 at 03:05 #

    Fair enough, you’ve gotta do what you can to get through. I like to help and support people but I literally can think of nothing helpful for this situation, so unfortunately all I have is a platitude, hoping that time goes fast, B5 is safe and you get to meet her soon.

  7. deedeesoapoperation August 20, 2013 at 03:17 #

    Sending you some love! I read your blog religiously but don’t really comment BECAUSE I’m afraid something I say could be hurtful on accident! So helpful to have a few guidelines to follow.

  8. steph50 August 20, 2013 at 04:26 #

    Good for you for speaking up! Big hugs!

  9. Esperanza August 20, 2013 at 04:32 #

    Sorry. I was definitely one of the comments that have you a panic attack. I’m really sorry. I’ll keep my big mouth shut until B5 has arrived safely.

    • Mo August 20, 2013 at 06:05 #

      Hey E. no need to shut anything. Just like I said, its just about being a bit more careful with me for the time being

  10. slese1014 August 20, 2013 at 05:00 #

    Oh honey…I’m so sorry…Sending you all the positive thoughts I can…Here’s to B5 making a happy appearance soon!! Love to you….and good for you for taking care of yourself. It’s one of the most admirable things about you….

  11. Trisha August 20, 2013 at 05:34 #

    I love you Mo. You remind me so much of myself it is not even funny. I just want you to know how much I admire you. That is all.

  12. Kristin August 20, 2013 at 05:38 #

    Love, prayer, and {{{hugs}}}, my friend. I can only imagine the fear and anxiety you feel. My best guess is that what I went through is a fraction of the fear you’ve felt…but, I made it and you will too. Can’t wait to hear the good news about B5.

  13. chon August 20, 2013 at 11:40 #

    I wanted to say something funny to lighten the mood (in times if stress I crack jokes) but instead I’m going to suggest Israeli chocolate, Ryan Gosling and maybe start tuning B5 into some faith no more. Ok? X

    • chon August 20, 2013 at 18:24 #

      I woke at 2am and realised you can’t have chocolate. That’s so unfair.

      • Mo August 20, 2013 at 18:29 #

        Lol. Yes, yes it is.

        • chon August 21, 2013 at 01:57 #

          I actually woke and sat straight up in bed as well. You are stalking my dreams lady.

          • Mo August 21, 2013 at 04:34 #

            Wow, I hope that only in non-creepy ways!

  14. Jenny F. Scientist, PhD August 20, 2013 at 13:59 #

    Look, I’m just some random person on the internet, but I am also sending you lots of love, affection, happy thoughts of bunnies and rainbows, and virtual chocolate.

  15. Lise August 20, 2013 at 15:40 #

    Just want you to know that I’m really, really wishing all the best or you! Come on B5, it’s time to come out!

  16. Louisa August 20, 2013 at 16:19 #

    Hoping you will get to meet you beautiful baby girl soon and that everything goes smoothly. Hang in there Mo we are all cheering you on!

  17. Donna August 20, 2013 at 16:19 #

    Yay, I love guidelines! I’m very good at following rules 🙂 Really hoping you’re feeling the love and that you are enjoying being able to be up and about a bit more. You’re gonna have your sweet cuddle bunny safely in your arms in no time!

  18. RelaxedNoMore August 20, 2013 at 16:20 #

    Hugs to you, and a timemachine if I had one!

  19. psychsarah August 20, 2013 at 17:20 #

    Thinking good thoughts for you, Shmerson and B5. Wish there was more to say than that.

  20. Kim August 20, 2013 at 20:03 #

    sending only positive thoughts and prayers your way.

  21. Erin @ Will CarryOn August 20, 2013 at 20:12 #

    “I really need to protect myself right now.” Of course you do, and that’s nothing that you need to feel sorry about. Thinking about your entire family and sending you thoughts of strength and calm.

  22. beruriah August 20, 2013 at 20:38 #

    I haven’t really said much here, because I worry that my experience won’t be of any help, since you’re not yet on the other side (but you will be soon!).

    But….let me say, I had a hell of an experience getting the cerclage out the first time. Much like what you described. I’m sorry. 😦 My next pregnancy, it popped right out. So if you hope, would like to do this again, it’s not guaranteed to be the same.

    Now, to labor. I *did* have a panic attack during my labor with Samuel, who I sometimes call the “boy who lived.” The pain brought it on. I was trying to soldier through without an epidural. The pain wasn’t anything extraordinary for labor, it was just that I could not stop thinking about the last time I had that pain. I was fortunate in that I realized what I was doing before it was too late, and I took the pain meds. That helped me feel in control, able to think clearly and comprehend what was happening without the double assault of pain and flashbacks. I also made sure (or at least my husband and OB did) that EVERYONE who came into the room knew about my preterm labor and death of our first born, and thus there were no fake sunshiny, “oh this is your first” or worse, “How is your one year old?” comments.

    My labor with Samuel was tremendously healing. Nothing can bring back Nadav, or erase those memories. But my hope for you is that B5 will enter the world as easily as possible and that you’ll look back on her first moments with all the joy in the world.

  23. pjsarecomfyn August 21, 2013 at 00:13 #

    Late in the game it is hard not to internalize everything. Your brain is already in such a frenzy. So instead of a comment my suggestion to you is to do some silly dancing and then take a long nap 🙂

  24. theyellowblanket August 21, 2013 at 00:27 #

    Thinking of you daily, Mo!

  25. Kathy August 21, 2013 at 13:18 #

    Won’t be long now…hoping the wait goes quickly !

  26. Kristen August 21, 2013 at 21:05 #

    I think you are doing the exact right thing asking for help avoiding triggers. I had (have) PTSD in a different context and avoiding the triggers is KEY, even now, going on 9 years after the fact. I figure it will be a life-long thing for me but it is SO IMPORTANT to my sanity.
    Also, just recently started reading again after realizing you hadn’t totally abandoned this blog…so thrilled for you and so glad to get to share in what is to shortly come!
    Much love XOXO

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