You Don’t Get It

13 Aug

You don’t get that I can’t “insist on what’s important to me” during childbirth because I am at the mercy of gestational diabetes, and so even if I want things like delayed cord clamping, I may not get to have them if my baby’s health is at risk.

You don’t get that it’s not about “control over my feelings” because I have had a traumatic experience, and with trauma comes the complete and utter LACK OF CONTROL.

You don’t get that I don’t have anxiety. I have the COMPLETE AND UTTER TERROR that happens when you have gone through what I have been through.

You don’t get that with all of my petty worries, the fact is that I’m still not convinced I am getting an actual baby out of this whole ordeal, and not more heartache. Because all I have had is heartache, so I cannot envision something else.

You don’t get that things like cloth diapering, baby wearing, and exclusively breastfeeding are a blip on my radar compared with just WANTING A HEALTHY, LIVING BABY.

You don’t get that I could give two shits about “controlling my birth experience” and “avoiding induction” and “cascading interventions.” I just need my baby here. I don’t care what it takes to get her here.

You don’t get that as much as I appreciate your concern, your assvice is yet another reminder of all of the things I could have had if I had been blissfully ignorant and complication free. So all it does is isolate me even more.

I am not a normal pregnant woman. Just because you pushed a baby out of your lady bits with relative ease does not make you an authority on what I need or don’t need. Just because you had a couple of complications does not make you understand what I’ve been through. I am not a normal pregnant woman. I will never be. Because I know  – I mean I REALLY KNOW BECAUSE I’VE LIVED IT –  I know that things go wrong and life is a fragile miracle that is more elusive than most people can even grasp.

You don’t know what it feels like to have to count kicks at least three times a day just to reassure yourself that your baby is fine.

You don’t know what it feels like to have flashbacks of the day that your baby died. And I truly hope for you that you never will know that feeling.

You don’t know what it feels like to not only have the “normal” fears that come with childbirth, but also the fear that comes with having lost so much before.

So don’t assume. Don’t even try. I know you mean well, but all I see is what you’re really thinking: “Thank goodness this isn’t me.” And “I feel so sorry for her.”

I don’t need your pity. And I certainly, CERTAINLY don’t need your assvice.

25 Responses to “You Don’t Get It”

  1. Courtney August 13, 2013 at 23:20 #

    Bravo! I am SO TIRED of people thinking that since they birthed a certain way, that everyone can, and should want to, do it the same way! Some of us don’t fucking care HOW the baby gets here, and many of us feel that way without the trauma you’ve endured.

    Mo, it is perfectly fine to say, I just want her here and healthy – end of story.


  2. Karin August 13, 2013 at 23:40 #

    No pity here, just admiration for someone so brave to even risk it after everything… Counting the days Mo, counting them for you!

  3. slese1014 August 13, 2013 at 23:45 #

    No one gets it, even if they’ve had a similar experience….your experience was yours and yours alone. No one will ever understand what you’ve been through no matter what. I think it’s wonderful you’ve made it plain and clear what you want is a healthy baby screaming in your arms….that is after all the most important thing….good for you for laying it all out there….I agree with Courtney, BRAVO!!!

  4. Wannabemom August 13, 2013 at 23:52 #

    Fantastic post. SO right in all you’ve said.

  5. Amy August 14, 2013 at 00:30 #

  6. KeAnne August 14, 2013 at 01:06 #

    I agree w/ Courtney: bravo! You know, when our surro went into labor w/ D, I realized I had not prepared at all for labor. No birth plan, nothing. F wanted an epidural but beyond that, no plan. I think I didn’t prepare partly b/c of the reality that I wasn’t the one giving birth. But I also think that I didn’t plan b/c I didn’t want to think about it. I didn’t want to risk tempting fate when I had been holding my breath for 9 months & when I knew there was so much that could still go wrong. My ideal birth was a live baby. Breastfeeding? Wasn’t top of my list to think about. I guess what I am saying badly is that in a small way, I understand & get it.

    Thinking of you in the days to come and supporting you far afar.

  7. Donna August 14, 2013 at 02:35 #

    I wish I knew the right thing to say to give you some peace. Just a tiny bit. You’re right, no one gets it. I won’t pretend I have any clue. But you gave me amazing support throughout half my infertility by just sharing your thoughts here and on Bitter Infertiles. And I know the consequences of sharing like that have not always been good for you. So if nothing else I need to say “I support you”. However lame it sounds. I can’t wait ’til B5 is safe and sound in your arms. Just a little longer…

  8. JourneyGirl August 14, 2013 at 02:54 #

    Your right, I totally don’t get where you’ve been, I never would pretend that I do. I am, however, cheering for you, not pitying.

  9. steph50 August 14, 2013 at 06:37 #

    Thanks for writing this. No one can know how horrible an experience is until they go through it as well. You are one damn strong person and I admire you.

  10. Kristin August 14, 2013 at 07:05 #

    Preach on, Mo! While I can’t pretend to know what you feel, I do remember the complete disbelief that a real, live, take home baby would come out of my final pregnancy. I didn’t even believe it when they had me on the operating table. When he let out his first cry, I started crying so hard that my body was shaking and they had to pause what they were doing.

    Don’t let anyone minimize one iota of what you are feeling.

    Abiding with you now and always.

  11. marwil August 14, 2013 at 12:10 #

    Yeah, a living screaming baby. How exactly it happens, well, the safest way please. You are right. No one can truly understand what you have been through, not even if having had a similar experience. That’s just how it is.

  12. Amy August 14, 2013 at 15:52 #

    I’m sorry anyone is saying or even implying these idiotic things to you. I hope my use of the word intervention in my comment on your last post wasn’t contributing to that assvice – if it came off that way I sincerely apologize, as the last thing I intend is to tell you how you should do this or that or the other – I realize all that is completely beside the point. I get as much as possible for someone who hasn’t lived your experiences (which is only in theory, at most) that it really doesn’t matter how B5 arrives, only that she does. No pity here; I continue to be extremely proud of how you are forging ahead. After only early losses, I couldn’t wrap my brain around the idea of pregnancy leading to a baby, so I can only guess that the disconnect is magnified by a bazillion after losing Nadav. You have every right to consider and discuss all these things if they work as distractions or attempts to make it all feel real, but by no means is that any kind of obligation to actually care about or give importance to the logistics of your daughter’s birth, and anyone who really thinks you don’t have bigger fish to fry is just as dumb as they come. I hope you aren’t inundated with any more useless assvice or pity. I am so proud of you.

  13. Connie August 14, 2013 at 16:08 #

    You are dealing with this exactly how I would think someone in your situation would. Phooey on birth plans, and hypno whatever, and “unnecessary” intervention… all you can and SHOULD focus on now is getting that little girl here safe and healthy no matter HOW it has to happen. You are entitled to your “freakouts”… you have EARNED them. Much love and good wishes.

    • Kathy August 14, 2013 at 18:35 #

      Amen to that, just what I was thinking…do whatever makes you feel comfortable and it will be the right thing.

  14. pjsarecomfyn August 14, 2013 at 19:03 #

    No assvice here, just get that sweet baby out so you can feel what a happy ending is like 🙂

  15. L August 14, 2013 at 19:05 #

    I walked my path and you walk yours.
    But please believe the vast majority of your readers are hoping desperately for your post about how your healthy daughter is keeping you awake all night and that it is joyous…as well as tiring.
    VERY best wishes and hopes constantly……

  16. Theresa August 14, 2013 at 22:13 #

    You go girl

  17. Meg August 14, 2013 at 23:21 #

    Hi, I’ve been reading your blog a long time, and although I’ve never commented, I’ve hoped and prayed right along side everyone else. The only thing that matters, The. Only. Thing. Is that you get your baby girl healthy in your arms. Don’t let anyone, ANYONE, try to tell you different. You are one of the most amazing women I have ever met (even if I’ve never really met you.) There is no pity coming from me, just awed admiration and crossed fingers for a positive outcome.

  18. theyellowblanket August 15, 2013 at 15:52 #

    Birth is about doing what makes sense/works/is rational/safe/medically necessary for you. I wish people would understand that!

  19. missohkay August 15, 2013 at 21:16 #

    You are a badass and the last person I would pity. I grieve with you and hold my breath with you and tentatively look forward to the “holy shit, now what?” post (because how could the aftermath not be anything but a huge (happy) shock to the system too?). You may not be in control but you know YOU better than anybody else and you’ll know what to do when the time comes and the non-assvice comes from professionals.

  20. kerry August 15, 2013 at 21:19 #

    The whole “birth plan” always made me giggle. I couldn’t have cared less how the baby got out, just got out safely. Period. Like I said before, I didn’t have ANYTHING set up at home because I never thought I’d leave the hospital with a real live baby. Thought really never even crossed my mind. My MIL had to run home, wash everything, set up the nursery, buy some diapers and got us some bottles. I never bothered to take any classes at the hospital (birthing–HA! breast feeing–what would I have to even feed?) and just focuses on the baby moving every hour every day.

    Looking back, probably should’ve at least bought on a book on how to take care of a baby after you bring it home–but honestly, Amazon delivers overnight, so there is really no reason to get ahead of yourself.

    I promise you, you are not alone. Even when you think you are at your craziest, there are others of us who have been there. You. Are. Almost. There. And then you will be able to breathe. For the first time in a very long time.

  21. Charlotte Staples August 17, 2013 at 06:25 #

    Having lost my daughter at 21 weeks due to a placental abruption I can say that pregnancy holds no innocent bliss for me anymore. Just mostly fear. I have a son, 4 1/2, healthy as an ox. But it feels like he is an anomaly since I had an early miscarriage before him. Birth plan? What is that? A live baby, crying with open eyes. Who gives a crap what leads to that? The effects left from my daughters traumatic birth make me question if I can ever be strong enough to try again. But I follow you, I hope for you and I learn strength and coping from you. You will hold this beautiful child of yours and the joy and healing will be immense. I have done it both ways- 24 hours of labor and an emergency C-section, a “natural” birth – I can say from heart IT DOES NOT MATTER. All that matters is the safe delivery of your child and the life that you will share together. Be strong! You are so very close to an overwhelming joy!

  22. BB August 18, 2013 at 02:56 #

    Honestly I don’t get why Anyone Ever makes comments to any pregnant woman about how they should birth, feed, or raise their children. I’m about done with women putting other women down for different choices. (& not all of us have the same choices). Women who talk like that are just insecure and need to feel superior by focusing on trivial things.
    I couldnt care less about the birth experience…yours or mine….because its the PARENTING experience that matters!!!

    You’re going to be a wonderful parent to B5!

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