A Stitchy Saga

12 Aug

Dear Amanda Bynes, 

I believe I just found out what it feels like to have someone “murder my vag.ina”. I wanted let you know that contrary to what you may think, this was not fun. In fact, it hurt like a mofo. It actually still does. And no, I don’t think it would have hurt any less if Drake had been the one doing the murdering.  Just thought I’d give you a head’s up. 



So I’ve been through an —- interesting —- 48 hours to say the least.

Let’s recap, shall we?

We arrived at L&D yesterday morning to get the cerclage removed. I was nervous, but mostly because of the small chance that cerclage removal  can cause labor.

Here’s what I thought was going to happen: We arrive, I get an NST, I go in to see a doc. The doc inserts a speculum, it hurts. The doc grabs the cerclage and removes it. It hurts a bit more. I have another NST, and go home.

That’s what everybody told me was going to happen. It never even occurred to me that it would go any differently. Which is weird, considering I’m so good at coming up with worst-case scenarios.

Here’s what actually happened:

B5 passes the NST with flying colors. We wait a while and the doc calls me in. Shmerson comes in with me. The doc inserts a speculum. It hurts like hell.

Then he tells me he can’t reach the stitch. No big deal, he says. We’ll just get a bigger speculum.

A bigger speculum arrives. The doc inserts it. It hurts like hell. He still can’t reach the stitch. Apparently, the Russian did too good a job. The thing is just too high up.

That’s when things get messy. Tools are tried. Another doctor is called in. Things are stretched and pulled. I writhe in pain (keep in mind this is all being done without any pain relief, because this is supposed to be a 2-minute simple procedure). At one point I have 2 doctors and one resident with some sort of tool/hand up in my lady bits.

Finally, after 45 minutes (!) they give up. There’s only one option: I come in the next day, go under general anesthesia, and have it removed that way.

So home we go. Needless to say I was freaking out. Granted, I’m used to general anesthesia by now, but for some reason the thought of it when I’m this far along just was not sitting well. Plus – I was terrified that all of the “stuff” they did down there would bring on labor and I would have to go in for a C-section because the freaking cerclage was still in there.

So I spent the whole day in bed, drinking lots of cold water. I did have a few contractions through the day, but they were not regular.

This morning we headed back to the hospital. They had an emergency section right as we got there which lead to a delay with all the day’s surgeries. I ended up waiting in a surgical gown for 3 hours with nothing to do except freak out. All while starving and parched since I wasn’t allowed anything since midnight. That was fun.

So then the surgeon comes in and tells me he would like to try again without anesthesia. I go along, because obviously – who wants general anesthesia? We go into a procedure room and the torture session begins.*

I won’t go into detail, but basically the surgeon manages to remove two pieces of the cerclage (after about half an hour of painful messing around up in my bits). But there is still one piece left. There is more digging. To say it hurts is the understatement of the century.

Finally, it’s decided to pull out the big guns. We’ll go into surgery, he’ll try one more thing with a fancy surgical tool, and if that doesn’t work, it’s general anesthesia for me.

So another room. Another 15 minutes of pain, pushing, and prodding. Finally, the doctor gives up and calls in the anesthesiologist. At this point I’m no longer nervous about going under. I’m relieved.

So ten minutes later I’m in recovery and that effing stitch is finally gone. They send me for an NST and B5 is fine.

Now I’m home, and everything is ok. Except of course that my vagi.na has been murdered. It hurts to sit. It hurts to pee. There is bleeding and bruising which hurts. It just all freaking hurts.

I guess this is good preparation for the damage that will be done during childbirth, right?

The one upside, is that now I’m a bit less eager for labor to start. My junk needs a while to recover before I try pushing a human out of it.

All in all, good times. And yet another reminder that I have no control. Over anything.

* Just to clarify: I’m not upset with the doctors at all. I know they had my best interest at heart with trying to avoid general anesthesia. 

24 Responses to “A Stitchy Saga”

  1. Melanie Early August 12, 2013 at 21:38 #

    That’s EXACTLY how my first removal went but they ended up giving me a spinal to take it out and I still have a piece left in buried…. my husband still feels it, even after 8 years, another stitch, and other babies. Battle scars I suppose, not a big deal. I still had vaginal deliveries with no complications so I’m hoping you do too. Also, I had to be induced for both my boys so no early deliveries for me! So excited for you! Can’t wait to hear. Take care!

  2. missohkay August 12, 2013 at 21:41 #

    Ooooouch and cringe. Your story-telling abilities are too good. My blessings upon your lady bits. ❤

  3. Kate @ Infertile First Mom August 12, 2013 at 22:04 #

    OMV (as my friends and I like to say… Thats Oh My Vagina);) Given the general pain and soreness in that area during late pregnancy, that really really must have hurt! Wow. I’m glad it’s out and hope you have some time to heal up a bit before the main event… But not too much time cause I know you’re probably ready!

  4. Kathy August 12, 2013 at 22:05 #

    On another upside, those stitches were never going to come out by accident !

  5. Claudine August 12, 2013 at 22:15 #

    I have been following you for ages. Ouch is all I can say. I had my baby 2.5 years ago. I had a cerclage placed at 13 weeks. I also had a scheduled C Section. They decided to wait until after the section to remove the cerclage. I guess I should be thankful they waited. It took them 40 minutes to get the thing out. Thankfully, little babe was out and I couldn’t feel a thing since the spinal was still in effect. My husband was the only one freaking out since he was waiting in recovery and the doctor told him it would only be five minutes.
    Good luck…I am eagerly checking your blog for pics of B5!

  6. Amy August 12, 2013 at 22:51 #

    Er. Mah. Gerd. That’s pretty horrific. I hope things stay calm for a while and your recovery is quick, yet just in time to let B5 arrive not too soon, not too late, with as little or as much intervention as you prefer!

  7. pjsarecomfyn August 12, 2013 at 23:23 #

    Yikes dude….glad it is out, but it just sounds like a horrible experience all around.

  8. Courtney August 12, 2013 at 23:29 #

    Ummm,, I have no words other than – hang in there.

    (That sounded just dreadful. I’m sorry you had to endure that.)

  9. slese1014 August 12, 2013 at 23:38 #

    holy shit…I can’t even imagine…good for you for surviving all of that…I probably would have cried general anesthesia after the bigger speculum went in….Now we just wait for B5….so excited for you!!!

  10. AK August 12, 2013 at 23:52 #

    DUDE. That’s some crazy crap. And you know about crazy crap. LOVE YOU. Rest up.

  11. RelaxedNoMore August 13, 2013 at 00:05 #

    Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Speedy recovery to you and your lady bits!

  12. chon August 13, 2013 at 01:11 #

    ouch ouch ouch I am sitting here with my legs crossed and a grimace. ouch.

  13. Daryl August 13, 2013 at 01:40 #

    Oh, your poor vag. I hope she heals up just in time to welcome B5!

  14. jjiraffe August 13, 2013 at 08:36 #


    That sounds incredibly painful and awful, Mo. I am so sorry you had to go through that!!!


  15. ozifrog August 13, 2013 at 15:12 #

    Oh crapola. You poor love. It doesn’t get easier, does it? Smooth sailing from here xx

  16. Heather August 13, 2013 at 16:51 #

    Omg that just sounds awful. Please get better! I also think you need a break before the birth.

  17. Louisa August 13, 2013 at 17:04 #

    OUCHY!!!!!! So very sorry you had to go through that.

  18. theyellowblanket August 13, 2013 at 19:05 #

    Owwwww! So sorry, Mo!

  19. nonsequiturchica August 13, 2013 at 19:20 #

    Yikes. That sounds quite painful.

  20. L August 13, 2013 at 21:59 #

    Holy Horrors! SO sorry. Amazed you did not kick doctors in face or neither regions from the sheer pain. Childbirth may be easy comparatively. Fingers crossed for all three of you, I am so glad you are going to be a mommy!

  21. Alissa S August 14, 2013 at 03:59 #

    You are a brave woman. That sounds so painful. I would be totally finished with the docs after that first bout. But I am glad things came together in the end so you can be that much closer to your little lady. I am on pins and needles!

  22. marwil August 14, 2013 at 11:57 #

    Oh wow, that sounds just awful. So sorry it was so painful for you. Hope you heal quickly and before baby arrive. Thinking of you.

  23. psychsarah August 14, 2013 at 15:09 #

    Just trying to imagine the agony. I hope all goes smoothly from here on out. Unreal.


  1. Bullets and Bunnies – Sick and Tired Edition | Mommy Odyssey - August 19, 2013

    […] see the Russian while waiting for my high-risk OB appointment last week.  I told him that he did too good a job with my cerclage. He laughed and said “at this rate, you’ll go to 42 weeks”. Not […]

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