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One of Those Days

23 Jul

Well it would be dishonest if all I did here was just post about birth non-plans and shopping.

Because the truth is that day-to-day things sometimes really blow.

Today sucked. It’s not that anything specific happened. It was just one of those days, that have been getting more frequent lately where I just plain lost it.

I didn’t sleep properly, and I spent the entire day on edge.

Shmerson stayed home from work because he wasn’t feeling well, and instead of just taking care of him, there were bursts of taking care of him mixed with taking out my frustrations on him. Poor guy. And he wasn’t the only victim. Everyone I talked to today felt my wrath. I was short and unkind and I feel like shit about it, but I just couldn’t help it.

It’s as if I had a finite amount of patience, and that patience has run out.

I’m terrified that things may still go wrong, and yet I am SICK AND TIRED of being scared, even though I can’t stop it.

I’m worried all the time, and I’m SICK AND TIRED of being worried.

Plus – I would give anything right now for a slice of double cheese pizza followed by a hunk of chocolate cake.

I know I need to stick to the GD diet for the good of B5, but I am SICK AND TIRED of this stupid diet and eating the same freaking thing every day. I just want some freaking carbs. Like – real ones.

Days have just been dragging by at a snail’s pace. I feel like I want to DO things but I can’t without Shmerson here, and he’s only really free to do stuff on the weekends. So I spend all week just feeling stagnant. Like NOTHING is moving.

The only time I feel any sort of progress is on weekends when we actually get things ready for B5, and that doesn’t happen every weekend. And it’s like doing these little things makes the good stuff feel more real. But most of what I do is not getting ready. It’s just sitting around. Waiting, working, eating stupid diabetes-friendly food. Waiting some more.

Yesterday was the Jewish version of Valentine’s day. Shmerson jokingly tweeted: “On this day, what do you get the wife who’s not allowed anything?”

I LOLed. It’s funny because it’s true. And it’s also kind of sad for the same reason.

I am SICK AND TIRED of this. I know we’re in the home stretch, but each day feels like a month.

So today at around 6pm I had a mini meltdown and couldn’t stop crying for an hour. Poor Shmerson. I think he doesn’t quite know what to do with me any more. All he can do is tell me how little time there is left. But right now, for me, it seems like FOREVER.

Come what may – I want to be past this.

Truth be told – I want to see this little girl already, safe and sound and screaming her lungs out. Because I’m sick of seeing all the other possible outcomes and being terrified. I’m sick of the flashbacks. I’m sick of the worry. I’m sick of the uncertainty. I just want to KNOW already.

I AM SO OVER THIS.

I know there are only probably 4-6 weeks to go. I know that relative to “time served” that is nothing.

But right now it feels like everything.

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7 Responses to “One of Those Days”

  1. Amy July 23, 2013 at 23:43 #

    I’m so sorry today has sucked. I can see how this is a very tricky time period. The time you have left is, like you said, not that long compared to time served…yet four to six weeks seems like an eternity in some ways. It’s not four to six days. It’s still a decent chunk of time and being so restricted in so many ways for so long is bound to have worn you down mentally and emotionally. I wish I had a suggestion for some kind of self-talk strategy that would help, but all I can come up with is to cut yourself some slack if at all possible. You have been maintaining really well for a helluva long time already, so I think you are more than allowed to freak out, break down, and just plain hate that it’s been so hard. This has been SO FUCKING HARD, and it still IS hard, and you’re still doing it anyway. Sometimes just showing up has to be enough, and showing up only to be able to do or eat or accomplish very much is more than enough for today. You’re doing enough every day and you ARE enough. I hope tomorrow is much better.

  2. Hurricane Laura July 23, 2013 at 23:44 #

    I went through this same restless, over-it phase and I couldn’t eat anything or do much of anything either. What I really wanted was a giant margarita and a night out like I used to have in my 20s – dancing, carefree, fun. I just wanted a night off from being a scared pregnant woman at the end of 2 years of infertility and loss. Since I couldn’t do any of that stuff, I just listened to the loudest, rudest music I could get my hands on. Gangsta rap. Big 1970s hair metal. Beth Ditto’s big, awesome voice singing Gossip songs. Whitesnake’s “Here I Go Again.” It was silly, really, but it made me feel better – I’d sing really loudly in my car or in bed, and just get it out. It was my way of giving myself permission to take a break from the anxiety and slip into an old version of myself for a few hours, just for relief. My own private primal scream.

  3. pjsarecomfyn July 24, 2013 at 00:04 #

    Well first off I am so proud of you for sticking to your GD diet even when it is the absolute last thing in the world you want to do…Second of all, fuck you GD diet and the horse you rode in on….does that make you laugh? I hope so.

    I am sorry that you had a rough day. I am sorry you are tired of being worried and scared, but you are still worried and scared. I wish time could fast forward for you.

    I know Schmerson is going to continue being a very understanding, patient, loving partner and won’t even remember this day in a few months from now.

    All I can tell you is, this is all going to be worth it…..so so very worth it! So screw this shitty day and focus on tomorrow being way better.

  4. marwil July 25, 2013 at 12:50 #

    Sending hugs. This situation must be really hard and I think it would be strange if you wouldn’t hit the I’M SO OVER THIS phase. Thinking of you lots.

  5. mylifeisaboutthejourney July 25, 2013 at 13:40 #

    I can totally relate to the craving carbs, being sick of counting them, and eating the same freaking things every day (i.e. eggs, cheese, salad, peanut butter)! I had GD, too, and one of the first things that I did after I gave birth was make my sister buy me a huge designer chocolate cupcake with cream filling. I ate that thing so fast… Hang in there girl. This too shall pass!

  6. Louisa July 25, 2013 at 16:40 #

    Crap I’m so sorry you are struggling and I wish I could give you a hug. This too shall pass but I totally understand why it seems like it won’t.

  7. Alissa July 26, 2013 at 06:55 #

    I can only imagine how you are feeling stuck at home eating diet food. Ugh. I’m sorry hon. If we could only skip to the end right? Hang in there as best as you can and maybe look up some new recipes online – find something new and yummy to eat? I would keep you distracted if I could, but since I am not even on the same continent, just know I am thinking of you and B5. And just think…maybe she will come earlier than 40 weeks like C did. I will pray it’s still full term, but it could happen that you don’t have 6 weeks left.

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