It Never Goes Away

3 Jul

So I’ve been silent for a while because I was stuck in a brand-spanking new anxiety bubble.

Looking back at it, it was a totally illogical hormonal meltdown. But when you’re in the middle of it, it just seems incredibly real.

Here’s how it started: Last Thursday during the day I felt B5 move a little less than usual. I was a bit worried, but the kick counts I did were fine. On Friday, we had our second childbirth class with our doula, and I mentioned it to her. She was very sweet, and told me what to do if I get really concerned about less movement. Basically: That if I need to, I shouldn’t be afraid to go to the ER to get checked out. Nobody would judge me for it.

At the same time, my blood sugar readings have been a bit high. Nothing too big – 5 points over what they should be on average. But that was there.

Something about those two incidents started getting me to panic (I honestly can’t put my finger on what it was). On Saturday B5 opened a circus in my ute, so I calmed down a bit. But then again on Sunday – quiet. Again – the kick counts were fine. Things were just – softer than usual. The same thing happened on Monday. I knew logically that there was no reason for me to worry. I spoke to the high-risk nurse on Monday as well because of my slightly high sugar readings, and she confirmed, everything is fine.

But then something kind of snapped. On Tuesday I freaked. The eff. Out. I did 3 kick counts in as many hours. I called everyone from my mom to the high-risk nurse crying hysterically. They all told me to just go to the ER, but I knew deep down that this was all in my head and there’s really no reason to spend 5 hours in an ER over this.

I just kept on running through terrible scenarios over and over. It wasn’t really the quieter movement, or the slightly high sugar readings. It was the PTSD and the hormones wreaking havoc on my psyche.

We had our first tour of an L&D ward last night, and on the way there, B5 decided to re-open the circus. Finally I breathed deeply again.

Do I regret not going to the ER? No. I know that nothing is actually wrong right now. My high-risk OB looked at my blood sugar numbers yesterday and didn’t think it was necessary to medicate. B5 has been showing off in my ute all day today.

I think that two things are happening: The first, is that this is all becoming very REAL. I’m less than 6 weeks away from getting my cerclage removed. That’s next month. That’s nuts. It just seems surreal to have come this far. The second is of course the residual PTSD from everything we’ve been through. I can’t think about labor without remembering the last time I went through it. And it’s time I start thinking about labor. I need to find a way to do it without bursting into tears.

So I’ve upped my therapist back to once a week, and I’m trying to work through all of this. Slowly but surely I’m regaining hold of sanity. Let’s just hope that it sticks around.

12 Responses to “It Never Goes Away”

  1. kerry July 3, 2013 at 20:52 #

    I am reliving my pregnancy through you and I am so so so sorry that you have to go through it like this. I can’t say its normal, but I promise you, you are not alone and are not the only one who spent an entire pregnancy basically holding her breath. I can’t say anything that will make it better, just know you are almost there and B5 will be with you before you know it. I know taking it one day at a time is so very hard, but its really the only way to get through it. Is there anyway you can start something to distract you? Maybe start with season 1 of The Sopranos? Or Glee? Or even Harry Potter? Anything that will take up a lot of your waking time and that you can get really involved in mentally.

    And I know they probably told you this, but as the baby gets bigger, it gets harder for it to move freely in such a small space, so the kick counts can trail slower in the 3T. My baby would be crazy probably every other day–but those off days I would make myself sick trying to get her to kick me back when I poked! They have to sleep sometimes too!!

  2. slese1014 July 3, 2013 at 22:05 #

    Nope, it never goes away. But you’re not alone in that either. I just sent my OB an email begging for insulin because my sugars are not where I want them to be. Screw what the OB wants, they’re not good enough for me and I don’t want to put my baby at risk. So yeah, I hear you on the panic attack thing. I’m quite a bit behind you, but I’m still hitting those moments where I feel a great deal of movement and then quiet and I start to freak. And I don’t even have half of what you’ve experienced in my background. Thinking of you….and I can’t believe the count down to cerclage removal is just 6 weeks…..HUGS!

  3. Courtney July 3, 2013 at 23:40 #

    You know, I’ve never considered what it would be like to labor for a baby after laboring for a lost first baby. The thought of it makes my heart ache a great deal. I can’t imagine how your heart feels having to be the person who has to do this. I bet there are days that you just wish to be put under until the baby is safely out.

    I hope that your labor, and preparations for labor, are as non-traumatic as possible for you. BUT, I know there will be lots of trauma, and for that, I am so sorry. Childbirth is traumatic in its own special ways, but add to it what you’ve been through, and I’m sure you’d just like to fast-forward to B5 being safely in your arms. I do hope there are peaceful moments for you during your birthing experience. You deserve some peaceful, happy moments.

    Ugh… I just ache for you. BUT, I’m also excited for you because B5 is happening and she’ll be here before you know it! It will be wonderful, Mo, but also let it be what it needs to be for you and Nadav. I’m sure you will visit with him several times as you labor for B5, and as hard as that will be, it will also be special for the two of you as well.

    Hugs, hugs, and more hugs to you!!!!

  4. jjiraffe July 3, 2013 at 23:46 #

    (((Hugs))) Glad you upped your therapist appointments, and you are doing all of the right things. I wish I had some good advice. I had major anxiety during the twins pregnancy at times and the best coping mechanism I had was attempting to read “Remembrance of Things Past” which was so freaking confusing that all of my attention had to go into deciphering a single sentence. So, maybe, Proust? Or not. 😉

  5. pjsarecomfyn July 4, 2013 at 01:32 #

    I can only slightly imagine what you are going through and what it will take to get through the next month. But you are so effing close! I am glad it won’t be much longer until this is all behind you and you can perhaps mark a big notch in your “moving towards getting past the PTSD” belt.

    I am sure birth will by no means be a heal-all, but B-5’s arrival will definitely be the first giant leap towards healing for the realz. Right now is probably more about moving past the fear rather than officially healing. So hurry up next few weeks! Let’s get this show on the road.

  6. Daryl July 4, 2013 at 03:27 #

    I wish I had some words of wisdom, but I don’t. Just know that I’m thinking of the three of you.

  7. SRB July 4, 2013 at 03:30 #

    I’m at such a loss for something worthy to say to acknowledge your feelings and your history…my heart both aches and soars for you. One of the (many) things that I have always admired about you is how well you know yourself and how you honour your emotional experiences as real and just, even if sometimes you don’t think so. The middle of the hill is the hardest part because you can see the top. You are past the middle…you won’t fall. We won’t let you. ❤

  8. chon July 4, 2013 at 14:17 #

    I can’t imagine what you’re going through. To be so close but so far. Keep staying strong. I need to see B5 in the onesie that says I’m with stupid :/ (grimace at bad joke) x

  9. Esperanza July 4, 2013 at 21:02 #

    Oh Mo. I’m so sorry. I wish you could get some peace. I know that won’t happen until your daughter is save in your arms, but I still wish it for you.

    I think it makes perfect sense that you’re more freaked out now that ever. You are so far along in your pregnancy and every day you experience your baby moving inside you, you become more invested and have more to lose. So it’s even though you’re so much closer to bringing home your healthy baby girl, and you’ve already overcome so many potential obstacles, you know what can happen and you know how devastating it will be. I can’t even imagine how hard it is to cope with the uncertainty when you have already been through so much.

    But you WILL get through this. You will. I don’t know how, but you’ll do it. No matter what happens you will survive. And you have every reason to believe you’ll be celebrating the birth of your daughter at the end of this thing.

    Abiding with you.

    • Amy July 5, 2013 at 18:32 #

      Oh, Sweetie…I can so relate. I *hated* that point in gestation where my little man would have a really active day followed by a really quiet day. I could have brought my home doppler with me everywhere, and that might have helped…a little. Every appointment I expected the world to come crashing down, but it didn’t. And then he started moving bigger…not necessarily more, but bigger, to let me know he was there.

      Gads, and then he was born, and the first week and a half I was consumed with fear that he would die of SIDS. No reason, no logic, just stupid PTSD soaked with new anxiety of actually having my rainbow here (plus a total lack of sleep). This is all just nuts, and the only way through it is actually to move through it. No escape, unfortunately.

      Holding you in my heart always…and so glad you’ve upped your therapy sessions. That did actually bring me some relief as well.


  10. Amy July 5, 2013 at 22:57 #

    Ohhh, Mo. I’m so sorry that you’re having your heart wrenched so badly. I wish I could make it go away, that there were anything any and all of us could do to make it easier, if even a little. I am so glad that B5 seems to know just when to have a wiggle fest to reassure you, but I don’t blame you at all for not being able to stop the thought train from running off the tracks in every other moment of quiet. I think you’re doing a marvelous job of keeping hold of the reality that all is actually well, even when your brain and hormones are making it feel like the opposite. Keep reaching out for reassurance from your doctor whenever you need it. If a trip to the ER is what it takes, so be it (but I’m glad you didn’t have to sit there for hours, too!).


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