A Daunting Prospect

7 Jun

At dinner tonight, I had a long talk with my brother.

He basically told me that I’ve been doing a huge disservice to B5 by treating this pregnancy like a disease.

He pointed out – rightly so – that thinking about this pregnancy in strictly medical terms is losing an opportunity to embrace this baby and to start parenting her.

As much as I tend to forget this, I am not sick. I am perfectly healthy and pregnant.

Most people talk to their babies in utero, sing to them, bond with them in different ways.

We haven’t been doing that at all. We both barely talk to her. We barely acknowledge her.

But it’s not just that. It’s the fact that I’m always unhappy as well. She’s got to feel that, even if in the smallest way, that’s not fair to her.

I had been really looking forward to the childbirth class that we were supposed to have today, because I was hoping it would make all of this more “real” for both of us. But the doula got held up at a birth, so that didn’t happen.

I surprised myself with how disappointed I was. I hadn’t realized how badly I needed for this to be more “real”.

But my brother helped me understand that we don’t need a childbirth class to bond with B5. Like he said, we just have to start doing it.

So tonight I had Shmerson pull out a book and read to her. She kicked and moved around the whole time. It was very cool, and I was a bit teary through the whole thing.

Then of course afterwards the familiar anxiety started to take over.

But I pushed it away.

My brother is right – I’m already a mom. It’s time I start acting like one and start embracing my baby. I have absolutely nothing to lose by doing it, and everything to gain in the long run.

It’s a daunting, anxiety-ridden prospect. But it’s not B5’s fault that we’ve been through so much loss and trauma. She shouldn’t suffer or have less of us because of it.

We need to celebrate her, and make room for her in our life.

So Shmerson and I are both going to try. As hard as it is, we have to embrace this baby as her own little being, alive and kicking.

It would be unfair to do anything else.

Now let’s hope we can actually pull it off without freaking out.

15 Responses to “A Daunting Prospect”

  1. chon June 7, 2013 at 23:33 #

    I just fell in love with your brother.

  2. Fertility Doll June 7, 2013 at 23:40 #

    Beautiful post. I agree – embrace! What a wise brother you have.

  3. Melanie June 7, 2013 at 23:41 #

    This is a great post and I’m so happy to hear your feelings on this. I’m not sure how I got to this mindset in my pregnancy with Nathan, but one day I said to myself and him “it’s true that there are no guarantees, I may lose you like I did your brother and our only time together may be with you in utero, so I’m going to make the most of our time together.” It’s morbid but it worked for us and hubby as well. That was around the time we found out gender as well so that helped a ton. At that point, I talked to Nathan constantly in my belly, about everything, even when I was stressed I explained it to him and made a conscious effort to take a break and just “be” with him. I wrote him poems, sang songs at the top of my lungs in the car (i’m a terrible singer), put lots of bass and stereo on in the car and house, tickled him all over, explained yummy food I was eating/coming down the pipe to him and how much he would like it. We even got an elective early 4D ultrasound at 26 weeks to bond because we truly held tight to the fact that our only time with him may be short and when he was in my belly. So somehow hope, reality, fear, sadness, excitement, love, and bonding all lived in the same space with us those 9 months. Somehow it made it easier. Sometimes we didn’t feel any better at all and just hoped it would benefit him somehow. We still delayed purchasing things until the end and all that jazz though. I’m always glad to see your posts, good, bad, or ugly because at least you are writing about it and getting it out. Those of us who have been through it (and many others) are rooting for you every step of the way.

  4. Wannabemom June 7, 2013 at 23:42 #

    I think this is good advice and I’m glad you are able to take those tiny, scary steps to completely embracing your daughter. But don’t beat yourself up. She’s been none-the-wiser. She knows you love her bc of all the things you have been doing to be healthy and keep her safe. The way you’ve been coping is normal for someone who has survived as many losses as you have.

  5. SRB June 8, 2013 at 00:49 #

    This made my heart sing. Positively soar.

  6. me0me June 8, 2013 at 01:12 #

    Go Mo’s brother!!! I was actually breathing a sigh of relief reading this. I think your little one is going to be very lucky to have your brother as her uncle – on top of the wonderful parents that you and your husband are going to be. So so glad you’re here, and the freaking out that will occur will not really be that different from that which most other parents go through. Yeah, time to embrace incoming normality 🙂

  7. Courtney June 8, 2013 at 05:20 #

    Your brother is very wise! I love that you read B5 a book tonight!

  8. Jem June 8, 2013 at 06:26 #

    Catching up on blogs and was delighted to see you are pregnant again. And even more happy that you’ve decided to be happy about it too.

  9. Justine June 8, 2013 at 14:05 #

    This is so, so hard. And don’t beat yourself up for what you are not able to do. Try to connect, yes. And let her help you. My daughter’s name is Noa, which means “movement” … she was very active in utero, and I think it was partly because she was trying to help me connect, to let me know that she wasn’t going anywhere. It took me a long time to fall in love. Until weeks after she was born. It was risky. Sometimes I still distance myself. But she is a persistent little soul. I know that yours is, too.

  10. Daryl June 8, 2013 at 23:11 #

    Bravo for pushing through your anxiety and letting yourself bond with your little girl! I hope with time, the freak-outs are fewer and less intense.

  11. Lise June 8, 2013 at 23:23 #

    Your brother seems great and you totally deserve to enjoy your pregnancy and bond with B5. I used to tell myself when I was pregnant that if something would go wrong, I wouldn’t be more sad just because I had been hopeful for a minute (or bought some baby clothes or whatever).

    However, I get a little annoyed about the additional guilt that comes with those constant cheery comments about having “happy thoughts” because your baby will feel your pain. It’s the same guilt I got when people said that I should “just relax and stay positive” and I would get pregnant. Honestly, I have seen no evidence that either of those things are true. And even though I was miserable for most of my pregnancy my daughter is a beautiful and happy baby. I don’t think I spent many seconds actually bonding (unless you count paranoid kick counts every hour) but our bond was instant the moment she was born.

    I guess what I want to say is that if you can connect with B5 now that’s great, but you will be fine even if the bonding part is difficult now. You will be great parents!

  12. firstcomes June 9, 2013 at 13:08 #

    I am so glad to read that b5 is alive and kicking! I’ve been anxiously checking back to see of you had posted anything since your April 28th post announcing that you were back on the blog but I was both disappointed that you hadn’t updated but hopefully assuming things were going ok for you and B5. Turns out I’m just a fucking idiot and I had bookmarked that single post rather than your actual blog!!!! Gahhh! Looks like I’ve got some back reading to do!

    So so so glad that you are starting to bond with her, your brother is totally right!

  13. Lisa @ hapahopes June 10, 2013 at 01:55 #

    This sounds great, Mo. Really amazing and great. 🙂

  14. pjsarecomfyn June 13, 2013 at 23:48 #

    Glad you are making this happen. Keep at it. She’s just itching to hear your voice.

  15. Alissa June 16, 2013 at 21:38 #

    I’m so glad you are moving forward Mo. This is such a relief. I know too well the hesitancy that comes with a rainbow baby and it’s huge when you can get past the wall. Your brother is so right and I am happy to hear you are trying to get to know your baby girl.

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