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This Whole Time Thing

29 May

Shmerson and I celebrated our 3 year anniversary on Monday. Unlike last year or the year before, where we had gone someplace extravagant for several days, this one was relatively low-key.

Anniversaries have been bittersweet for us, since most of our marriage has been marred with loss. My first miscarriage was barely two months after our wedding. This year was no exception. There was celebrating, and speculating, and also a bit of crying.

The interesting thing about the day was dinner. We had a long talk, and it was more or less the first time we had an extended conversation about B5, as not just an idea, but as our daughter. Questions of raising her – everything from internet etiquette to sleeping arrangements.

It was a wonderful hopeful conversation.

Of course I had a panic attack a little later, but I still think it was progress.

***

This GD thing is really effing with me. Well, not just the GD. Time in general.

I am soooo ready to get this over with. I sooo want this pregnancy to be over. Yet I know we need every single week now for her to grow. I know we need at least 11 more weeks.

Sometimes 11 weeks seem like nothing, and other times – most times – it feels endless. The tedium of GD, and having my day split up into 3-hour increments, and always having to figure out all of this food stuff is exhausting, and just makes everything seem longer.

We said we would wait until 28 weeks to start preparing for her arrival, but the truth is I’m eager to start doing everything now. Like maybe looking at cribs and debating the merits of a changing table will make the time pass by faster.

But more like – maybe it will make everything seem a bit more real.

I’m still terrified, but the fact is that there is a fairly good chance we have a baby girl entering our lives sometime in August or September (please please not a moment sooner).

Man that feels weird to type up. I’m probably going to pay for that with a panic attack later. Good times.

Does anyone have a time-speeder-upper-type-thing I could borrow?

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12 Responses to “This Whole Time Thing”

  1. Courtney May 30, 2013 at 00:06 #

    This post makes me smile!

    Happy anniversary!!

  2. L May 30, 2013 at 00:13 #

    Yes! Preparing may or may not make the time go faster, but it will make you focus more on BABY and less on DISASTER. Possibly getting used to acting like there will be a baby soon will help take the emotional charge out of every act of planning. And you know that should the worst occur (spaghetti monster forbid), not having looked at cribs will not be of any comfort at all.

  3. Karin May 30, 2013 at 00:30 #

    You are rocking along… Sending lots of love!!

  4. me0me May 30, 2013 at 02:16 #

    Oh Mo, preparing is so your thing! I hope that with every new conversation, thought, and specific plan, the panic attacks will become less frequent and less full-on. I think plans for your daughter and for your parenting style are so so so important, and I think now is a great time to start working on them – I think they might even make you wish it was more than 11 weeks at some points.

  5. Moriah Halsett May 30, 2013 at 09:41 #

    I am so EXCITED to come here and find new post. I have been following for a while and was sad when you stopped posting. I would check once a week hoping you would be back. I am so glad to read that you and B5 are hanging in there. Sending positive vibes your way. So excited your back.

  6. Amy May 30, 2013 at 15:10 #

    Go for it, Mo. The panic attacks are completely understandable (though I wish you didn’t have them), but perhaps after each effort at preparation, the attack will be smaller and smaller, until it is more anticipation than anxiety. I hope eleven or more weeks fly by once you start digging into the fun stuff!

  7. RelaxedNoMore May 30, 2013 at 16:08 #

    Happy anniversary! 😀
    And yes, do start preparing! It will at least help pass the time, and hopefully make everything more real. B5, September is a wonderful month to be born!

  8. nelipotting June 1, 2013 at 00:40 #

    Oh my goodness! I have missed you! I had no idea you started blogging again, and I just went back and read every post since you said you were done. LOL. So excited for you!!! I hope you don’t pay with a panic attack for being hopeful, but I understand that feeling. The vulnerability of being excited or hopeful. I totally think you should start planning and preparing, even if it’s just making decisions in your head until you’re feeling up to actually purchasing baby stuff… I was on bed rest for 3 months with toxemia, and oh how you’re bringing back awful awful memories. Really, planning and obsessing was the only way I got through it. Happy anniversary! And welcome back!!!! (Oh and I’ve changed blogs, I used to be Coco, but that space got invaded by unwelcomes.)

  9. Meg June 1, 2013 at 22:31 #

    If you find a time speeder upper can you loan it to me? I’m only 8 weeks pregnant. Since it took us 18 months and a miscarriage to reach this point I’m just petrified all the time. I keep telling myself just four more weeks and then we will be out of the first trimester and ill feel more “safe”, but I know that’s a lie. I’ll be petrified until the moment they plunk a baby into my arms. It just sucks. But reading your blog helps me, I am so pulling for you!

  10. Robin June 3, 2013 at 15:50 #

    I’m really proud that you are even considering planning, I think that’s a huge deal! My husband and I lost a son last September. He was born at 24 weeks, and lived for only 4 days. Now, I’m pregnant again and literally want NOTHING baby related in my house until we are safe and home from the hospital. People think I’m nuts and keep telling me that I HAVE to plan and have to buy at least some things, but I just refuse. We had bought a crib and changing table like a week before I ended up delivering last year and now my mind links that with his death. Like somehow I caused him to come early by being too prepared.

    The point is, I think its amazing that you can plan, and I hope with all of my heart that things work out this time around!

  11. mrs. brightside June 4, 2013 at 04:46 #

    Mo, I am so so happy for you. I’m so sorry it’s taken me this long to get a comment in, but I have been reading recently with earnest and cautious excitement. You are on your way, friend. I hesitate to give advice, but here goes for what it’s worth, coming from a place of totally understanding your feelings, but also having a few regrets in hindsight…

    I was so scared during my pregnancy (uh, understatement much). I wouldn’t say that I didn’t enjoy it – I did allow myself to take in the experience of being pregnant, to feel grateful for every movement and every moment of being with my baby. But I just COULD NOT allow my brain to make the leap to having a baby at the end of it. Which meant I was pretty ill prepared. I had some things, we took a few classes, but hadn’t read any baby books, hadn’t nested, hadn’t mentally prepared myself for the parenting challenges that lie ahead. And it’s hard. I spent 3 years hating anyone who said that, silently seething “you think having a baby is hard? try on this shit!!” But now I get it. The sense of responsibility and wanting to do right by this little guy is just so powerful, and the first few weeks so disabling and humbling, that I STILL feel like I’m playing catchup with how to best care for this babe of ever-changing needs.

    So my hope for you, as scary and fate-testing as it seems, is that you allow yourself to plan and prepare and set yourself up for the most amazing experiences with your daughter as a new mom, because you’re going to get there, I just know it.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. What Preparing Means | Mommy Odyssey - June 5, 2013

    […] plus a few comments on my last post made me realize that this whole decision to “prepare” kind of needs clarification. For […]

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