Hitting a Wall

25 May

It started last night when the family was over for dinner and afterwards I pulled some watermelon out of the fridge and spent an hour staring at it longingly because I couldn’t eat it and everyone else could.

It dragged into today. The feeling that this is endless. That here again is yet ANOTHER thing I can’t do. I can’t leave the house. I can’t take a freaking walk. I can’t even eat some freaking fruit without there being consequences.

So today, 3 months to go seems endless. Seems like forever.

The worst part of this is is how much I hate being pregnant. How I want to be past this already – but I can’t wish that. I can’t let her come early, that would be awful. She needs to stay in there for another 11 and a half weeks at least.

It’s like a never-ending cycle of guilt over here. Guilt and feeling miserable because I’m freaking not allowed to do anything. And poor Shmerson, he has to live with this.

Everybody keeps on telling me this will be worth it in the end. I know that’s probably true. But right now everything just seems endless and sucky.

12 Responses to “Hitting a Wall”

  1. Courtney May 25, 2013 at 17:06 #

    It seems sucky because it is. You are having a very tough pregnancy, and one that even the most positive person probably couldn’t enjoy. All I can say is to hang in there. I think that’s all you can do right now is sit tight and wait for it to be done.

    Hugs to you!

  2. Amy May 25, 2013 at 18:14 #

    I wish I could press a fast forward button for you so this crappy, sucky, slow moving part could just be over already. All pregnancies, I think, require some measure of deprivation, but you are having to give up so many simple, normal things that otherwise would be useful for coping. For whatever it’s worth, I think you are doing a seriously amazing job of hanging in there. It will be worth it, but you shouldn’t be expected to have that be the first or even last thing that comes to mind about it right now. I hope you can find small ways to pamper yourself (I was obsessed with baths – is that off limits?) and try to find some tiny moments of joy here and there to keep you going. Love to you….

  3. sorrelen May 25, 2013 at 18:32 #

    It is sucky. It doesn’t seem it because it is it. I dealt with large weight gain and 8 weeks of bedrest. I about went insane. I feel for you. It is worth it. Doesn’t feel like it now. I spent over 3 years trying to get pregnant and I hated it. With a passion. I hated it enough that I don’t want to try for another. I felt guilty and ungrateful as well because other women wanted I had so desperately. It isn’t always puppies and rainbows. When B5 is here it won’t always be happy times either. Then there is the first time they smile at you. I wanted to be done early on as well. Don’t feel guilty. You’ve had a rough time both before and now.

    You can control the diabetes and then when B5 is here you can work on the weight gain. I’m 11 months in and still have 10 more pounds to lose from pregnancy weight gain. Then there is the 20 pounds from treatments that I gained from tryinjg to get pregnant to lose.

  4. Amy May 25, 2013 at 19:37 #

    I can’t imagine spending so much time on strict bed rest and having to also deal with the fears and anxiety loss brings without having good distractions, at least periodically. I’ve only been on modified bed rest for five days so far this time and have already had some really good cries…I think just because I don’t have my work to help distract me away from fear and sadness for most hours of the day. I feel blessed I can move about some, though.

    Have you reached out to any bed rest support groups? Maybe sidelines.org?

    Sending love from across the seas…

  5. Melanie May 25, 2013 at 19:41 #

    I hit wall as well this past pregnancy and also lived through the whole thing shrouded in worry. I didn’t really ever enjoy it. And there was def no “glow” unless you could see my unhappiness shining from within. For me, I learned it’s ok to be miserable about what pregnancy was doing to me and still be happy about the other little person being in there. I stopped feeling guilty about having mixed emotions and just accepted that despite all the drama it took to get there and how grateful I was, I was not ‘enjoying it’. Letting go of the guilt helped me focus on getting through day by day. Maybe try thinking about how you got through the infinitely tougher days after losing Nadav and how these days, though miserable, are a testament to having survived the former. Plus, as you’re just doing your best to survive pregnancy, baby is thriving in there. Take comfort in that if you can.
    Hang in there.

  6. tracyturn34 May 25, 2013 at 21:54 #

    Mo, I wish this pregnancy were easier for you. It sucks that you have to endure all this — bedrest, weight gain, GD. . . just a rotten deck of cards dealt you. But your blog readers have got your back; we’re here so that you can vent, rant, complain, bitch. . .whatever you need to do to survive this hard time. Personally, you are my hero (I don’t know if that helps you or not) because you are courageously pursuing your dreams and doing whatever it takes to get what your heart desires. That’s hard to do, but you have the guts to do it. So, stay with it. I’m sending you positive thoughts and hoping the next three months go by really fast so that B5 is in your arms, healthy & beautiful, and that the watermelon deprivation is a very distant memory.

  7. K May 26, 2013 at 02:28 #

    Oh Mo, I’m so sorry. I was in denial about my GD diagnosis for a couple of weeks, even refused the 3 hr test because I both felt that I wasnt true GD but would need to change my diet regardless, plus if I really did have GD I couldn’t understand why I should chug 100 g of glucose. I’ve since come to terms with it and have reached a happy medium regarding what I can and cannot eat. I don’t think watermelon is off limits, just make sure you don’t eat it in the morning, as that is when we are most insulin resistant.
    I actually started out pretty thin, so don’t beat yourself up about your weight. The fact that you have pcos pretty much guarantees GD, in my opinion. I don’t know what you have access to in israel but I’ve found boost glucose control drinks and glucerna to be a godsend (spaghetti-monster-send). I often mix it half and half with unsweetened vanilla flavoured almond milk, which is extremely low in carbs and calories but quite filling.
    Also, I eat 2 or 3 of those kind nut bars every day – the chocolate and sea salt ones only have 5 g of sugar and barely make my sugar levels rise. Switching to whole wheat bread makes a huge difference. White bread is the diabetic’s cryptonite. Obviously don’t have the bread for breakfast. I can’t keep my morning 1 hr levels under 140 if I touch bread of any kind.
    Salads with chicken and FULL fat dressing ie ranch, are your friend, even bacon. Cheese, nuts and unsweetened yoghurt are too. Russell stovers and weight watchers make excellent sugar free chocolate truffles (can you get those?). Try to surround yourself with tasty things you can eat, and never let your fridge and pantry go empty because that’s when you’ll cheat.
    I’ve given my husband explicit instructions that, upon having the baby, I want an assortment of cheesecake factory offerings IMMEDIATELY. Counting down now 3 more weeks until I’m due.

  8. chon May 26, 2013 at 02:36 #

    Whilst being stuck at home would now be a good time to bring bitter infertiles back?

    • Amy May 27, 2013 at 16:30 #

      Ooh, I would love this, too. Or even if you could dig into why I can still not get the first four episodes to download. I have been re-listening to the other ones, but I am sure I am missing out on some good stuff from the first four!

  9. slese1014 May 26, 2013 at 03:36 #

    I’m right there with you. Literally, officially by 5 effing points on the GD bus. Not thrilled about it, but I know in the end holding my healthy baby in my arms will make the challenges worth it. You’ve been given the short stick on this pregnancy stuff and pretty much had everything thrown at you. But you keep going. Even if it means breakdowns here and there. I wish there was a way to make this all go away and give you a cake walk pregnancy. Unfortunately, all I can do is be here for you and cheer you on. HUGS!

  10. ozifrog May 26, 2013 at 14:02 #

    Start making a labour ward menu plan. (I will never forget my sushi plate, banoffee pie and champagne fest). I know how totally sucky it is, but that breastfeeding calorie burn makes for some great catch up time on missed watermelon, chocolate and cheese…..just go with the perverse thrill of controlling those numbers & it will end, and in a way it helps fight the bedrest weight gain.

    I still have little “f$&? That was hard & it cost me a lot of heartache” moments, so I guess I’d say whilst it is totally worth sucking it up, it still takes time to get past everything, even with that perfect bundle of joy finally at home. I know your experience is different and harder thn mine, but in my case the “relief” took me time, so be kind to yourself…everyone makes you feel like that baby is a magic wand that instantly dissolves all the months (years) of crap…not my experience…it comes, but it comes gradually, I think all that time of sort of holding your breath it takes a while to learn to just breathe in and out again.

  11. Alissa May 26, 2013 at 18:08 #

    I can feel your frustration and I’m sorry you are going through this. I know it must be so so hard to be so limited. Just keep thinking of new things to get you through and keep you sane. Ask other diabetics what they use to satiate those cravings and keep writing. Pregnancy is so different for everyone and it can be really hard. My sis hates being pregnant, but she tells me that it’s all so worth it to her. I know this time is more than sucky, but you will be done with it at some point and get to see your little daughter’s sweet face. And if you are able to B/F there is a great way to burn calories, I lost weight that way (while I was able to) and I do not lose weight easily.

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