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It’s Official

22 May

As of yesterday, I officially have Gestational Diabetes. Got my glucose monitor and all that fun stuff today.

I don’t even know how to react at this point.

Apart from being fucking terrified as usual, I mostly I feel guilt, because everyone was concerned this would happen. They tried to be tactful about it but the fact is this happened because I’m fat.

I can’t even describe the amount of guilt and self-flagellation going on in my head right now.

I’m hurting my baby and this time it is my fault.  Yes, I’ve been on bed rest for the last three months. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t have the chance to shut my effing mouth and just eat less.

I fucking hate this.

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28 Responses to “It’s Official”

  1. Jacky May 22, 2013 at 18:25 #

    Thin people also get gd. Don’t blame yourself. It is not within your control. It’s a nuisance but doable. I had it with both of mine. The best part was graham crackers! Hang in there. It’ll be worth it. Hugs!!!

    Jacky from maryland

  2. slese1014 May 22, 2013 at 18:34 #

    So I just got the call that my initial EARLY test is abnormal and I have to go in for a 3 hour test. I’ll be right there with you shortly I’m sure. I too am terrified of what this means for my baby and can’t help but beat myself up constantly for it. I know it’s relatively common, but still. I get it. This just adds one more high risk check point for me. So thinking good thoughts for you….and I hear you loud and clear.

    • Courtney May 22, 2013 at 22:01 #

      Well shit! I was hoping you’d pass. You still may – stay positive! 😉

  3. Wannabemom May 22, 2013 at 18:35 #

    Please don’t beat yourself up. Like Jacky said, even thin folks get GD. Blame the pcos, blame the bedrest… it was practically unavoidable. You have done everything to keep B5 safe and secure. And now you’ll manage the GD like the good momma you are. Big hugs.

  4. SRB May 22, 2013 at 18:38 #

    Boooooo! Hissssss!I fucking HATE this for you. ❤

  5. Julia May 22, 2013 at 19:12 #

    Please don’t blame yourself! You and B5 will get through all this! You are doing everything you can, go easy on yourself. I say this to myself everyday:
    “please be gentle with yourself”. Hang on!! Lots of prayers and good thoughts coming your way!!!

  6. SM May 22, 2013 at 19:15 #

    Even super thin, health nuts get GD. I fucking hate that you’re going through this but please know that you are a good mom. You’ve done everything in your power to keep B5 happy and safe and you’ll continue to do that even with GD. Sending love your way.

  7. Vero May 22, 2013 at 20:14 #

    I think a former olympic athlete was diagnosed with GD. Don’t blame yourself.

  8. Amy May 22, 2013 at 21:21 #

    Mo, darling…I’ve said it before, and here it is again:

    Please be kind and gentle to our friend, Mo. She’s been through a lot, has a lot on her plate, and needs some support.

    You’re going to be ok, girl. So is your baby. Gestational diabetes isn’t uncommon. Months of bed rest have not been your friend for so many reasons…and it’s all ok.

    Love you, girlfriend… ❤

  9. Courtneyanna May 22, 2013 at 21:26 #

    Hey lady, don’t kick yourself in the ass too much. It isnt like you can be out jogging around all afternoon… you’re on bed rest for the sobbing out the window. I know this absolutely sucks the big kahuna, but just think, you’re over halfway there, B5 is going to come, and this will all be behind you. My friend was thin and a runner and a health junkie and got GD with her pregnancy. And hey! You are doing the best you can with what you got and that’s all we can expect. You are doing a great job. Please dont beat yourself up. And besides, we’re all here for you. 🙂

  10. Belle May 22, 2013 at 21:53 #

    Hey now, that is my friend you are bad mouthing over there! Seriously, Mo, this is not your fault. I have read and known many women who were in great shape, exercised through pregnancy, ate like rabbits and still got GD. This is not your fault and in no way are you harming your baby intentionally. GD happens. It sucks and it’s no fun to measure out your pasta and it really sucks to prick your finger, but it can be controlled/treated and I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that you will work as hard as you can to take care of it from here on out. Hang in there, little mama, and remember that this is temporary and that B5 loves you no matter how your pancreas reacts to pregnancy. xoxo

  11. Angel May 22, 2013 at 21:57 #

    Stop. Cease. Desist. Now!!
    1. GD is not caused by poor diet. You did not do this to yourself. I ate sticks and leaves my whole effing pregnancy and still got GD.
    2. You have not harmed the baby. Uncontrolled GD could harm the baby- so you’ll follow protocol. You’ll eat what they tell you, take whatever meds you need to…and the baby will be fine. This is controllable. She is fine. Hear me? Fine. I promise.
    3. Check out the GD boards on Baby Center- I especially liked the Board that started in March 2010. Lots of very helpful ladies there with lots of good info and food ideas. I’m Texacali Mama on there if you want tips or ideas on things you can eat that don’t taste like cardboard.
    4. Be kind to yourself. None of this is your fault. Not the loss, not the heartbreak, not the GD. Do something nurturing for yourself today. Please!
    Continued prayers and much lovez

    • chon May 23, 2013 at 04:55 #

      Agree 100% I know many super skinny healthy pregnant people who got GD. My SIL was one. It’s just another shitty crappy thing but like IF not your fault.

  12. Courtney May 22, 2013 at 21:58 #

    OK OK… let’s just stop with the self blame, shall we? Mo, this sucks beyond suckage, but seriously – what is one to do? Sure, you could have worked your ass off getting into shape prior to pregnancy, but that’s hard to do when you’re dealing with the loss of a prior baby. That shit takes time, and putting your body first just wasn’t in the cards for you – and that’s OK! I’m glad you put your mind first, being perfectly honest. And you’re not doing harm to the B5 – that is why they test so early – so that they can catch it before you do do harm to the baby. You are not a bad mother, you are not a failure of a pregnant person, you are not a bad person. You are a woman who has been through more than most people will go through in a lifetime, you comforted yourself with food (I JUST finished a donut myself – it’s been a rough week!), and you got GD. It happens. I’m not trying to give you excuses here, but these are real REASONS for the state you’re in.

    No one reading this thinks this is really your fault. It would be your fault if you said, “I am pregnant and I am going to eat for 2 and get all plump because I’m pregnant and I can, dammit!” But you didn’t do that. You started out heavier for obvious reasons (been there before, my friend!), you were put on bed rest, and you soothed your soul once in a while with food. I wouldn’t call that fault or blame.

    I’m not going to sit here and let you blame yourself. Well, I guess I will because I can’t do anything about you blaming yourself, but I’m not going to sit here and blame you too.

    🙂

  13. Amy May 22, 2013 at 22:04 #

    Not. Your. Fault. NOT. I hate this for you. Please try not to blame yourself, though I know how impossible that can be (so don’t also blame yourself for blaming yourself when you can’t help it, if that makes any sense). I hope the monitor gives you some feeling of control over the whole thing, and that it stays easily manageable.

  14. robin May 22, 2013 at 22:12 #

    I don’t think GD has to do entirely with what you eat. Except that once you get it you have to watch what you eat. But I don’t think eating ice cream when you’re pregnant can cause GD. Some people are unfortunately more likely to get it for a variety of reasons. But it is something that can be monitored now that you know that’s what’s going on, as if you needed yet another thing to monitor. 😦

    This is not your fault.

  15. Amanda E. Perrine (@amandaea129) May 22, 2013 at 22:23 #

    I want to echo what everyone else said about this not being your fault. According to the dietitian I saw when I was diagnosed with GD, having PCOS means you are very likely to get GD. Everyone I know besides myself (and now you) who have GD were skinny, skinny ladies. The women I know who ate like crap and gained 50, 75, etc. pounds didn’t get it. Even though a lot of OBs seem to think weight causes this, there actually isn’t any proof of that and many countries don’t even consider GD an actual disease.

    Follow the diet, check your sugars and you and B5 will be fine. I’m 39 weeks and the baby is on the smaller side of average and growing like he’s supposed too. The most annoying part is because of the GD and my weight, they are inducing my on his due date just to be sure everything is okay.

    Be kind to yourself. This is nothing you did or could have stopped from occurring. PCOS is the gift that keeps on giving, unfortunately.

    readingeachpage.blogspot.com

  16. RelaxedNoMore May 22, 2013 at 22:58 #

    This sucks.
    Let me chime in with the others: it’s not your fault! It wasn’t my fault that I got gestational hypertension (and mild gestosis 4 days before the due date), and it’s not your fault that you got GD. Shit like that just happens and has nothing to do with being overweight or anything. You caught it in time and B5 will be fine!

  17. conceptionchronicles May 23, 2013 at 00:38 #

    Plenty of “skinny” people get GD. It is not your fault. This too shall pass, and you won’teven think about it when your baby is in your arms!!!

  18. tracyturn34 May 23, 2013 at 00:41 #

    Mo, sending love, support, and positive thoughts! The doctors and you will be able to manage this. It’s not ideal, for sure, but everybody’s got your back. I’m going to keep praying for you & B5.

  19. Daryl May 23, 2013 at 01:18 #

    I hate that you have one more thing to worry about, but there’s no way you could be blamed for this. It happens to a lot of women, and it’s not because you did or didn’t do any particular thing. Try not to beat yourself up about it. Monitor it closely, as I know you will, and B5 will be just fine. Sending you lots of love.

  20. Kate @ Infertile First Mom May 23, 2013 at 03:39 #

    A very wise woman (my sister and mother of three) once told a panicking, third trimester me…” Keep your eyes on the prize.” Good advice. This sucks but its not your fault and its not gonna hurt that precious baby you’re making. Thinking of you as you clear yet another hurdle in this amazing(ly painful) journey.

  21. marwil May 23, 2013 at 10:34 #

    Sending hugs. I hate it for you that you have to go through this as well. Many wise words above. It’s so hard not to put blame on ourselves, but know that this can happen in every pregnancy even if you eat healthy, work-out and so on.

  22. Artistmouse May 23, 2013 at 15:16 #

    I have to echo the sentiments of the wonderful ladies that have commented before me. Don’t beat yourself up about this! One of my coworkers was an avid runner and worked out throughout most of her pregnancy and ended up with GD. I never have high blood pressure and ended up with pre-eclampsia at the end of my pregnancy. The important thing is now you know and can focus on managing it. Don’t look back and play what-if…you can’t change it and sadly, stuff just happens. But I’m sure you’re tired of it happening to you. Big hugs and we’re all here for you.

  23. Kristin May 23, 2013 at 15:29 #

    Honey, GD did NOT happen because you are overweight. GD happens to people of all sizes. {{{Hugs}}}

  24. pjsarecomfyn May 24, 2013 at 01:42 #

    Dude stay calm. My anorexic looking friend had GD. Her baby was perfectly fine and healthy. You are going to have many more opportunities to feel guilty and self-flagullate….so try to give yourself a break on this one.

  25. Anna May 27, 2013 at 03:50 #

    I know I’m like four days late here but agreeing with everyone else. This is NOT your fault.

  26. Tamika May 28, 2013 at 02:32 #

    Well, this sucks, but it’s far from being your fault! One minor silver lining, maybe you can distract yourself for a little while each day now that you have sticks to play with again. And it can be a way to feel a little more in control again. When TTC, I obsess over pee sticks (just like I know you did :), and then when I got pregnant, I obsessed over my blood testing sticks. It gave me something to do on bed rest. We also obsessed over the food scale, weighing out portions by grams. Now that I am TTC again, I hope to God that I don’t get GD again, but I think I will be testing from day one whether I have to or not.

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