The Double-Edged ‘V’ Word

14 May

Ok – I never thought that viability would be a clear-cut transition, as in one minute I’m an anxiety ball and the next the queen of zen. That didn’t happen and I didn’t expect it to.

Yeah – today we reached viability. Yesterday we had our second Level II scan.

And how am I feeling? Weird.


Your comments on my last post kind of shook me, I admit.

Don’t get me wrong – I am unendingly grateful for your support but they were all so cheery. It scared the crap out of me. Am I really ready to be cheery?

There’s a huge part of me that is feeling better. But that’s what’s scary. Feeling better means getting more attached. Getting more attached means having more at stake if something were (FSM forbid) to go wrong.

Shmerson is now more anxious than ever.  He’s been hovering and scolding me to take it easy. And me…? Weird. Weird is the word.

I still can’t visualize a positive outcome, but I’m visualizing a negative one less often, and that’s huge for me. But then each time I dare myself to see something good, I retreat back into emotional detachment out of complete terror.

But again – this feeling is SO WEIRD you guys. The truth is I don’t know how I feel, and I guess that’s how it’ll be for a while.

I guess I’m drawing a new calendar now – counting till 28 weeks. Maybe by then my emotions will be able to sort themselves out.

In other news, B5 is doing just fine, and that is, truly and without cynicism, a miracle.

Oh – and the doc wrote “difficulty with examination due to obesity” on the scan results. That kind of sucked.

Hey! There are two emotions right there! Guilt about being a beached whale and awe at the fact that there is definitely a non-alien (10 fingers and 10 toes! We counted!)  camping out in my ute.

That’s a start I suppose.

12 Responses to “The Double-Edged ‘V’ Word”

  1. SRB May 14, 2013 at 15:54 #

    What a rollercoaster. I can’t even imagine, but I’m glad you’re sharing it. I hope that brings even the slightest relief, though I wish I could do more. Shooting all the mind bullets I can muster your way and thinking of you guys every day.

  2. Courtney May 14, 2013 at 16:03 #

    I think feeling weird is a good description. We don’t need to know how we feel all the time! I am very hopeful for you… And it sounds like B5 is coming home soon. But I do understand not having faith in that. It’s hard having faith in the unknown. I am very similar, but without the history to go with it. I am skeptical by nature, I guess! 😉

    Keep on resting! I’ll be glad when you hit 28 weeks too!

  3. slese1014 May 14, 2013 at 17:12 #

    As a NICU nurse, I struggled with “viability” as well. I certainly don’t have your history, but 23-24 weeks is a 50/50 shot. I’ve seen it go both ways, more good than bad, but for soem reason the bad sticks with me more. When I hit the 24 week mark and people were all “VIABILITY” my response was, “talk to me at 28 weeks” then 28 came and I said, “wait til 34 weeks.” I’m happy you’re getting this off your chest and sharing your feelings, especially if it helps you through this. I’m praying for you every day….and the good news is definitely the little alien with 10 fingers and 10 toes growing in your ute!!!

  4. Amy May 14, 2013 at 17:12 #

    All normal to feel, love. I was just going to email you about reaching 24 weeks…glad you beat me with this post. My DH and I held so tightly to reaching “viability” that it wasn’t until we got there that we realized it wasn’t enough. It didn’t fix anything, except to know that this time they couldn’t tell us – if preterm labor and pPROM were to strike again – that it was too early to stop anything. Doctors would HAVE to try instead of throwing up their hands in an “oh, well, better luck next time” gesture. Twenty-eight weeks felt better, I can say that with conviction. But today we’re at 33 weeks, which is a whole new unknown, and I’m back to second guessing, disbelieving, feeling doubt that our son will come home alive with us creeping back in. WTF? And yet all we can do is roll through the feelings.

    Big, big love to you!

  5. me0me May 14, 2013 at 17:40 #

    I wouldn’t count guilt as a new feeling, but awe is nice and I think weird is very fitting of transition… Also, I love how natural your writing in this space is. I’m glad you’re back here.

  6. Belle May 14, 2013 at 17:54 #

    Dude, that is a super shitty thing to read on the write-up! Couldn’t he have chosen kinder language at least? It’s all about positive spin, people! Anyways, I’m so glad B5 is looking good and I totally understand your weird feelings. We all have them in some form or other and yours are extra tricky given your past. I think having fewer negative thoughts is a really good step and one you should go back to when you are feeling weird about feeling, well, weird. xoxo

  7. Cristy May 14, 2013 at 18:55 #

    Lady, this is the best I’ve “seen” you in a long while. I knew it would be strange for you to hit this milestone, considering all you’ve been doing to get yourself through those first few months on bedrest, but I think what you’re feeling is a good sign. By no means do I expect you to go from 0 to 60 on the optimism, but I think you’re starting to transition.

    Very happy to hear B5 is kicking ass. The whole “obesity” thing we’ll deal with as wel can. In the meantime, focus on the fact that you got here today. A milestone we’ve both been worried about. And I’m counting down with you for the next one.

  8. tracyturn34 May 14, 2013 at 23:50 #

    Mo, all your feelings are so valid and trying to protect yourself by staying detached as you can is a reasonable response after all you’ve been through. I don’t think you should feel bad about anything — One day at a time. That’s all we can do.

  9. Christina Williams May 15, 2013 at 03:01 #

    Glad you’ve reached this milestone and B5 and that tricky cervix are all looking good. Take comfort in that. And feeling weird is completely normal!

  10. Daryl May 15, 2013 at 06:24 #

    Just keep looking forward to the next milestone. I think your calendar is a great idea. You’re doing the best you can, and I’m happy to hear that includes being in awe of your little B5, even if it does feel weird.

  11. marwil May 17, 2013 at 11:43 #

    I like the idea of a calendar. And I’m so glad to read that you have come so far. To know that B5 could make it by now must be a huge relief. The odds are getting better with each day and week, hang on to that and tick those days off until the next milestone. Sending hugs

  12. Shelley May 17, 2013 at 20:40 #

    I wasn’t actually drinking coffee when I read the obesity bit but I felt like I choked on some anyways. Eff that. Did they really make no effort to help you avoid seeing that, jeez. I’m glad you’ve reached this important milestone but understand there are many left to go. Be thankful for every single day B5 is in there, it all helps.

Show some love, comment-style

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: