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This is How Deep it Goes

6 May

Today I’m 22 weeks, 6 days. Officially the longest I’ve ever been pregnant.

I was talking to ABD today when I let myself actually speak for a bit as if B5 is actually going to arrive safe and sound in 15 – 18 weeks.

It was nice.

But then I hung up and immediately started to freak out that I may have jinxed it. I was very close to a panic attack before I managed to talk myself down.

Anybody else go through this? Does it ever get easier?

Grrrr.

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18 Responses to “This is How Deep it Goes”

  1. Angel May 6, 2013 at 18:38 #

    Yep…went totally bananas that last trimester. Couldn’t hope, but hope creeps in. I bawled like a baby when they wheeled me to the car holding Amelia. Bawled. Couldn’t stop for the entire hour drive home. To this day, I am certain there are people in that L and D ward who think I’m nuts.

    And it goes away…slowly. Be prepared to spend months staring into the crib watching B5 breathe…just to make sure. We bought an Angel Care monitor…and still I go check. My anxiety at 5 mos is still off the charts in some days.

  2. Melanie May 6, 2013 at 18:53 #

    It got better for me about 26 weeks and then with each week after that. I forced myself to start planning the nursery even though it was very late in the game. Didn’t buy much though. I also was a complete pain in the ass with doctors regarding “other horrendously random things that could go wrong” and was fired from one dr office and luckily found another at 28 weeks that would appease me. For example, I had them check the blood flow and cord position at ultrasounds (and I had A LOT) as well as the placenta to check for cord issues and/or signs of pre-rupture. No, I have no history of either but my brain HAD TO CHECK those “other things” in order to make it through that pregnancy with the last shred of sanity I had left. I also obsessively checked my blood pressure, temperature, and protein in my urine with all kinds of nifty little home tools. And my 4D elective ultrasound at 26 weeks which was supposed to be for more “sentimental” reasons and bonding and for looksies only- turned into me double checking medical things (even though they weren’t a medical facility) but they were kind when I told my story and gave me extra time, extra attention to those details, and a discount. It was lovely but that’s the extent of my crazy. I suppose having some sort of control over “other issues” (even though I know there are other things that could have gone wrong that I had no control over and sometimes things “just happen”) and the fact that I was able to check some things off of my “but what if my baby suddenly dies of this in utero and it catches me off guard and I lose it completely” list, it somehow made the second half more bearable. So when you think you’re a complete wreck, you are not alone, and it’s normal for us in those situations. Yes, normal. Did I mention I was fired by the original doctor- who put the cerclage in and ultimately saved N- because I was being too demanding *COUGH ADVOCATING FOR MYSELF AND BABY COUGH*- thank you for the service of the difficult cerclage but F-you BUSY DOCTOR for dropping me like a hot potato at 28 weeks when I really wasn’t asking for anything unreasonable…. Don’t be afraid to be a pain if it will make this horrendous journey any easier for you. And for a giggle, here’s another tidbit. At that time I was a therapist, working at psychiatrist hospital, so I should have been well equipped to deal with the circumstances of a pregnancy after loss and with IC right? You know those coping skills that I was constantly discussing with my patients should have rubbed off on me even if just by rote, right? NOPE. I was probably commit-able myself at that time but again and in hindsight I say, NORMAL FOR US. I won’t even get into the really crazy stuff I did like obsessively wiping myself with antiseptic wipes from week 5-8 weeks or the all day Listerine obsession because my teeth aren’t the best…. and those are the less crazy ones. Try not to be too hard on yourself. Try not to feel bad for your feelings. Try not to feel abnormal. It’s hard. It sucks. Thinking of you always. XOXO

  3. SM May 6, 2013 at 19:12 #

    I’m officially 2 weeks past my last milestone and it hasn’t gotten that much easier. I can talk a little more with hope that things will be okay but it’s not easy to do. The jinxing thoughts usually start in as soon as the hopeful words are out of my mouth. This is fucking hard and I haven’t even had a 2nd trimester loss. I’m thinking of you and B5 today!

  4. Amy May 6, 2013 at 20:30 #

    I wish I knew it did and could tell you so. I truly hope it will for you, and soon. In the meantime, we are still here and will be for the duration. High five on this milestone! Hope you’re being as kind to yourself as you possibly can in these rough days.

  5. RelaxedNoMore May 6, 2013 at 20:40 #

    Hugs! I so hope for you that it will get easier sooner rather than later!

  6. New Mom May 6, 2013 at 22:27 #

    Just came across your blog when reading another blog. I’ll keep you and your baby in my prayers and that you enjoy a nice long pregnancy . My son was born at 28 weeks so I understand some of your anxiety not only for yourself but for your unborn baby.

  7. tracyturn34 May 7, 2013 at 00:12 #

    Mo, sending you all my positive thoughts as you reach these milestones. Hoping that you continue 15-18 more weeks so that B5 arrives healthy. This is so tough, but you’ve got the community in your corner.

  8. Daryl May 7, 2013 at 00:17 #

    Being able to talk like that in the first place is huge! And totally understandable that it freaks you out. I hope it gets better. Soon. But I imagine it’s a slow process. Thinking of you and B5.

  9. Christina Williams May 7, 2013 at 01:46 #

    I hope it does get easier for you, but like a PP said, you’ll find yourself staring at teh crib/monitor/baby checking that she’s breathing and normally. I was just discussing with a co-worker last week that I don’t think I felt “safe” and that I had a baby to keep until Em was about 4m old. Big Big hugs! You’ve made it this far!

  10. Courtney May 7, 2013 at 04:17 #

    First of all, you can’t jinx a pregnancy.

    Second of all, after all you’ve been through, I would not expect this to lessen over time. I have no idea what I’m talking about because I have not walked in your shoes, but I know that IF I had… I’d be terrified. I was terrified with Matthew until the moment he was cut out of me.. I am not even kidding. And I don’t have the past and experiences you have.

    I think of you all the time, and hope that things are going well. I’m glad to know that you’ve made it past a very important milestone! I think you’ll make it through many, MANY more!

  11. Lydia May 7, 2013 at 16:40 #

    Having hope will not jinx your pregnancy, but be gentle with yourself. Congrats on making it this far, and here’s to a healthy 18 weeks to follow.

  12. Lisa @ hapahopes May 9, 2013 at 02:33 #

    I wish I had words of wisdom for you, Mo, but all I can tell you is I’m thinking of you, Shmerson, and B5; and I’m so glad to see your words on my screen again. Missed you!

  13. Alissa May 9, 2013 at 04:10 #

    Oh boy do I get it. I couldn’t relax until I was 24 weeks and even then, I was scared. But. Yes, it does get better. 24 weeks will be here (I know you just want it to be here now) and a small part of you WILL feel better. Your baby has a shot and the doctors WILL try to save her IF she comes early. That does a lot for the soul. Every week thereafter will bring more and more reassurance. Just hang in there sweety – I know right where you are at and it will be better soon. 27/28 weeks is a great milestone and you are heading in that direction.

  14. Kristin May 9, 2013 at 07:22 #

    Yeah, I’ve been through that..and, no, it doesn’t get hugely easier. I think you just get better at controlling the panic. {{{Hugs}}}

  15. Louisa May 9, 2013 at 16:21 #

    So glad I’m able to get your updates again and that B5 is hanging in there! I remember how SLOWLY my pregnancy went and how much I wanted to punch people who said it had “flown” by. Sending you lots of love.

  16. missohkay May 9, 2013 at 20:26 #

    I’m happy that you’re past the unhappy milestone. Hopefully it eases a tiny bit of tension even though I don’t expect you will ever get to have a blissful pregnancy. You’re always in my thoughts ❤

  17. vskingyens May 22, 2013 at 17:25 #

    I totally and completely understand how you feel.. I suffered a miscarriage myself almost a year ago… and now I am almost 35 weeks pregnant with a healthy baby boy! It’s so hard not to stress out and I do it all of the time.. however, we all know stress isn’t a good thing! Keep your head up! Things will turn out perfectly 🙂

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