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Randomness – Or – The Return of Bullets and Bunnies? Why the Heck Not

1 May
  • Too many things racing around my head tonight, so bullets it is! I may even add a bunny at the end for old time’s sake. 
  • So mommyodyssey.com has officially been sniped and put up for sale for an obscene amount of money. That’s what I get for not renewing on time, I guess. I’m just hoping that everyone is finding the wordpress address again without any problems.
  • I feel like a frickin beached whale. I’m 22 weeks, 1 day and I have gained THIRTY POUNDS during this pregnancy so far. I’m officially the heaviest I’ve ever been and it’s scary because I’m finding it harder to lug around this body. I’ve started seeing a dietician but I’m really scared of the extra weight causing more problems like GD and high blood pressure. Never mind that if by some miracle I make it to term I will be a giant. And I’m only 5″3, that’s saying something. I’m afraid of becoming as wide as I am tall. I know I should go easy on myself because of bed rest and all that. But seriously. I am huge. And I hate it. And yet I’m too depressed and at risk to really be proactive about anything except cutting down on sugar. Urgh.
  • One of my best friends just had a baby with his partner via donor egg and surrogate, and he brought her over to meet me today. He’s probably reading this so I hope it doesn’t make him feel bad – but on some level meeting his beautiful girl made me sad. Usually I embrace babies and just crush on them like crazy and that makes me feel better. This time it didn’t work. I couldn’t help but look at her and feel how far away my own baby girl feels for me right now. I hope reading this doesn’t make him not bring her around again. Because I still love her to bits and want to see her as much as I can. I didn’t realize how sad I was until after they left. ABD don’t be mad I didn’t share that with you today. I love you both like crazy,
  • Everybody keeps reminding me how ridiculously close to viability I am right now. But the thing is the closer I get, the farther away it feels. Does that make any sense? I lost Nadav 1 week and two days before viability. So the closer I get, the more dangerous and precarious everything feels.
  • I think this is what gets me most: I know I was scared last time, but deep down I truly believed Nadav would arrive safely. I couldn’t have been more wrong. Now I feel like believing that B5 will get here safe and sound somehow jinxes it. So I can’t let myself even dream about that. Does that make any sense?
  • I hate this so so effing much. Seriously. Can someone knock me out for the next couple of weeks? That would make things so much easier.

Here’s a bunny to end on a nicer note. This one always makes me laugh:

 

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18 Responses to “Randomness – Or – The Return of Bullets and Bunnies? Why the Heck Not”

  1. Conne May 1, 2013 at 23:57 #

    I would think something was more wrong with you NOT worrying at this point. Fate hasn’t been very kind to you thus far…. just try to hang in there. 🙂

    • Stinky Weaselteats May 2, 2013 at 09:14 #

      ^this. I can’t see how you would not worry, reaching the point at which you lost Nadav. Wish I could manipulate time for you, to speed it up for a few weeks (months!)

      Meant to comment on the last post but when I clicked through it went to the expired domain thing, I wanted to say I was glad to read your post as oddly, I had been thinking about you the very day before and wondering how you were getting on. Love it when that happens, and it always feels odd when its not someone you have even met!

  2. April May 1, 2013 at 23:58 #

    Oh, Mo. *hughughug* You’ll make it through. You wouldn’t have made it this far, through everything else, if you couldn’t make it through the next couple weeks. And the next couple weeks after that, and after that. I cannot imagine how you feel, but I do know that you’re still kicking. Sometimes that’s all we can do.

  3. Melanie May 2, 2013 at 00:06 #

    Makes complete sense. Every word of it I could have written myself. Seems like we are the same height/weight ratio as well! Good to hear from you again. I have no words of wisdom other than I know exactly what you are talking about and all I could do was make it through one agonizing minute at a time. Of course now (almost 7 years later to the day :-)), that pregnancy feels like just a blink of an eye. But that wouldn’t have helped me or comforted me at all in the moment. I’m thinking of you always. Melanie

  4. Courtney May 2, 2013 at 00:41 #

    You know, what you said about viability feeling further away the closer you get makes complete sense to me. you were just too close last time when the rug was pulled out from under you. AND – viability is just that – viability. I’m sure that’s not your goal – that 26, then 28, then 30, etc. weeks becomes your goal. Viability is great, but I know you want to get so much further than that, and I’m sure that drags things out too. It’s no fun… AT ALL. I think it’s going to be an uphill battle the whole way, Mo.

    BUT – you are rocking that uphill battle!

  5. Karin May 2, 2013 at 00:52 #

    You are one strong momma… Not that it makes you feel any better. All we can do is pray for you, shmerson and b5… Hang tough lady… You rock!

  6. Amy May 2, 2013 at 01:12 #

    I know I already shared this with you, dear Mo, but I felt the same jinxy way leading up to our milestones with this pregnancy (the point of loss, then 20-weeks=stillbirth-not-another-late-miscarriage, and then viability. Once we got past 28 weeks I really started feeling better/excited. Now, at 31 weeks, some of the fear and anxiety is back, unexpectedly and with a vengeance. I was caught off guard, and I don’t fully understand what’s going on. All I know is it – this feeling – WILL pass at some point…even if it’s not until life proves me wrong and this baby is born alive and healthy. I’m such a damned doubter (or, as my hubby calls me, a “pestimist”). 😀

    Big love!!!!!!

  7. Cristy May 2, 2013 at 02:06 #

    Given all you’ve been through, I think you’re doing amazingly well. I’m sorry about the 30 lbs. That sucks in so many ways and I know it’s not helping despite the fact that there’s really nothing extra to be done about it. I think you’re taking the right steps to manage and that’s to be commended. I’m also sorry that seeing your BF’s daughter was hard. Though I also think it’s natural considering your current state. Like anything else, just getting it out there helps with you being able to move forward and I’m sure your BF doesn’t view this as anything more than what it is.

    Hang in there lady. I know you have the weight of the world on your shoulders and that there are so many who are reminding you of why (very guilty of that one, for which I apologize over and over for), but there are so many who are holding you close during this time.

  8. Amy May 2, 2013 at 03:12 #

    I hate that these weeks are being so horrid to you, but it’s not at all strange that it would be so. What you’ve said makes perfect sense. I hope you are beyond the terrifying parts and can at least breathe a little easier soon. Until then, keep giving yourself all kinds of credit for being so brave. Scared shitless, and doing it all despite the fear. So proud of you; hang in there!

  9. Angel May 2, 2013 at 03:20 #

    Ok so finally an area where I can contribute something hopefully helpful. I had GD when I was pregnant, so I know all too much about it. It is very, very rare to get GD from weight gain…heredity and the placenta have a lot more to do with it. So if your family doesn’t have a history of diabetes or GD, that’s a good thing and one less thing to be afraid of.

    And even if you DO get GD…it does not have to be a big deal at all. You change your eating, follow instructions and it is manageable. The IF world is WAY ahead of the game when it comes to following directions and self discipline ;). My GD Dr was amazed at how literally I followed his diet and other instructions…I was amazed that anyone wouldn’t follow instructions that basically guaranteed to protect their fragile little life. That part- total piece of cake (sugar free cake!) compared to the six years that preceeded it. No reason to let it even cause a flicker of fear for you.

  10. Sadie May 2, 2013 at 12:55 #

    That feelings of jinxing make so, so much sense to me. Hang in there Mama.

  11. nickeecoco May 2, 2013 at 18:44 #

    Isn’t it such a shame that you can’t just take copious amounts of benzos right now?

    I totally agree with Conne though. Hang in there. Viability will be here soon.

  12. flmgodog May 2, 2013 at 22:24 #

    Mo, you just take it one day at a time. I am not saying this to terrify you but I literally was on the table after having delivered one twin and screaming get the other one out…this last baby CANNOT DIE. GET HIM OUT!! I think my Peri was just as terrified as I was honestly. You will always carry your history with you. You will always have Nadav right next to you in your thoughts even after this little girl arrives.
    I know you have had a horrible past and it is so difficult for you every day but each day is one day closer to that little girl being on the outside and safe. I am certain your docs are monitoring you closely and hopefully they are considerate enough to bring you in to the office and let you see and hear her when you get the “crazies”. I had it A LOT and it was so hard to believe when people told me things were ok that they were really OK.
    One minute, one day, one week at a time. It moves so slowly in the moment but you are going to make it this time. I know you can’t believe it for yourself so I will believe it for you. I have been there.

  13. tracyturn34 May 3, 2013 at 03:11 #

    Mo, I don’t know what to say except share my love and support for you. One day at at time. I’m so sorry how hard all this is for you. It’s so unfair.

  14. LisaB May 3, 2013 at 15:14 #

    Hugs, hugs, and more hugs!

  15. nonsequiturchica May 3, 2013 at 17:59 #

    Mo I also don’t know what to say and frankly, I don’t know that there is anything that any of us can say that will make your anxiety go away. I truly hope that the the next few weeks fly by for you with no drama what-so-ever. Thinking of you!

  16. sorrelen May 3, 2013 at 18:14 #

    I gained 50 pounds on my bed rest. It sucked I agree. Thinking about you and all you have been through. I don’t have any words because nothing I can say can help. I wish it got easier but it never did for me. The worry was just always there.

  17. Ms. Future PharmD May 3, 2013 at 20:55 #

    It is so hard. Thinking happy thoughts and keeping you all in my prayers. I think you’re coping really well. I just about went nuts on bedrest and it was only 4 weeks (although there were 4 feet of snow outside so it was winter moping craziness too). Keep up the coping, however it works for you, and time will speed by when you look back at it.

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