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On Being a Bad Fortune Cookie Joke

29 Apr

First a couple of notes: My domain default is now set back to mommyodyssey.wordpress.com, so anybody who was having problems getting to my last post through their email and/or commenting –  hopefully that will no longer be a problem. Hopefully I’ll have my old domain back soon enough… In the meantime, if you’re still having problems, please contact me so I can work out the kinks. Thanks!

Second: Thank you! The positive outpouring from my last post has been overwhelming. You guys rock.

Now back to our regularly scheduled blog post.

I guess it’s time for a “head space” update, since I’ve been away for so long.

So most of you know how it goes. You open up a fortune cookie, read the fortune, and tack the words “in bed” at the end of it, because – you know – that’s funny and stuff. (That’s what she said.)

So to demonstrate: You will have a great windfall… In bed. Bend the rod while it is still hot… In bed. And so forth. So that’s been my life for the last 9-ish weeks (is that all really? It feels like so much longer).

Ok that’s not exactly true. I’m on modified bed rest. Which basically means I can do some stuff. And I don’t really have to stay in bed. It’s more like couch rest, really (but that’s not nearly as catchy). However, that doesn’t make me any less stir crazy. I can’t cook, clean, or do laundry. I leave the house on average once every two weeks for a doctor’s appointment. I think the couch is already taking on a nice little indentation of my butt. So that’s awesome.

I lucked out because I spent the first third of my pregnancy securing long-term content clients, so I have plenty of work to keep me busy. The problem is it doesn’t keep me distracted from the SHEER TERROR. Because seriously guys, I’m terrified. Constantly. And I love this little girl already so much that it hurts. And the thought that I can still lose her paralyzes me.

I’ve also been really detached from friends and family. I don’t call people much or text or do much of anything, because I just feel like on one hand, I don’t want to talk about what I’m going through, and on the other hand that’s all I can think about so I can’t really talk about anything else.

And watching TV or movies isn’t working well to distract either. We even bought a new Xbox and that’s not making a dent in distracting me from the sheer terror. So that’s fun.

So everything I’ve done in the last 9 weeks has only really been done with about 25% of my brain power, because I can’t stop thinking about how scary all of this is, and about how everything can go wrong in a matter of seconds. That’s where 75% of my brain power is right now. If not more.

Just don’t tell my clients. That would be baaaaad.

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13 Responses to “On Being a Bad Fortune Cookie Joke”

  1. Kristin April 29, 2013 at 16:11 #

    While I never experienced your exact brand of terror, I remember how scared I was during my pregnancy with Gabe. I wish I lived close enough so I could try and help distract you from your terror or so I could at least sit and hold your hand while you quietly (or not quietly) panic. {{{Hugs}}}

  2. Delenn April 29, 2013 at 16:12 #

    Hi, couldn’t leave comment on last post cuz of the domain issue…but glad to hear from you, glad you are where you are. Bed Rest sucks. I was only on Bed Rest for 2 1/2 weeks…but it drove me bonkers, so I always sympathize with Bed Resties. I wish there was something to take away your anxieties, but there is nothing to do but to abide with you. As for the bed rest–I am sure you have already invested in Netflix and watched television shows/movies…but if you haven’t…perhaps exploring a television series out of your usual tastes might help with the boredom? 🙂

  3. Beth April 29, 2013 at 16:21 #

    A girl? Did I know this, if not, congratulations!!!!!
    I completely get the fear thing, I have it and I haven’t been through half the pregnancy crap that you have. I think all IFers get it to some degree or other when they are pregnant because they really understand that just because you’re pregnant, you don’t necessarily get to take home a baby. I actually didn’t fully appreciate this until this time around, and I think if you haven’t been to the point of having some pregnancy loss coupled with infertility it’s hard to appreciate the full freakout that can take place.
    So, the fact that you have 25% of your brain on your work is really good.

  4. Amy April 29, 2013 at 17:59 #

    Whatever it takes, Sweet Pea! I found myself in a similar headspace as far as feeling like I didn’t want to talk about the risks and my fear, and yet having those two take up most if my thoughts. (And then, hypocritically, getting defensive whenever anyone tried to tell me everything was going to be fine, or minimizing the risks. What a brain f*ck!) have they given you a sense for how long your modified bedrest will last? I had only a week of it during my twin pregnancy and was going mad. I feel for you.

    I’m so glad you’re back to writing. I know it helps me a lot to at least let some of the crazy out periodically.

    Big hugs, girl!! ❤

  5. Cristy April 29, 2013 at 18:32 #

    My sincere hope is that by you writing about all of this, you find that there’s a shift on the sheer terror front. Granted, there is no way I know how to completely eliminate that for you (believe me, I’ve been thinking about how for the past few months and outside of inventing a time machine I’ve come up short), but by at least getting all of this out there you’ll find support and validation that what you’re going through is 1) shitty beyond compare and 2) you’re handling this the best possible way anyone could imagine.

    Literally counting down the days with you. And sending love, as always, to you, Shmerson and B5.

  6. pjsarecomfyn April 29, 2013 at 18:42 #

    Just doing what you’re doing lady. We’ll keep you company to hopefully help pass the time…..I could tell you more about poop, or some recent ridiculous thing I did. 🙂 Just keep swimmin’

  7. Arlene April 29, 2013 at 19:48 #

    Like Delenn, I couldn’t comment because of the domain issue — I tried, but I don’t think it went through. Just want you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I appreciate how difficult this time is for you. Remember we have your back and are virtually holding your hand and abiding with you.

  8. tracyturn34 April 30, 2013 at 00:37 #

    Mo, I’m rooting for you and B5 all the way. I don’t have any great words of advice, but I just want you to know that from my little corner of the world, I’m saying lots of prayers for you and sending you positive vibes.

  9. Karin April 30, 2013 at 01:40 #

    But you rock the cas-bah!

  10. Lise April 30, 2013 at 15:43 #

    First of all…I’m so glad you are blogging again and even happier to learn that you are pregnant, yay!

    About the fear, I so understand…My pregnancy was 40 weeks (exactly 40 weeks, my very punctual baby girl was born seven weeks ago) of pure fear. I was so freaked out I couldn’t even read blogs anymore ( or update my own), today was actually the first time in probably six months that I decided to see what had been going on in the blogosphere. I can’t even imagine being on bedrest while going through that, going to work was the only thing that kept me sane.

  11. nickeecoco May 1, 2013 at 01:17 #

    I can’t even begin to imagine the fear. Know that you have so many people cheering for you and B5 right now. I hope that assuages some of the anxiety.

    On another note, I am so glad to see you blogging again! I do hope it helps 🙂

  12. Alissa May 1, 2013 at 06:24 #

    Oh Mo, I’m here. I am glad you are back and hanging in there. I know it’s scary. I know. I was worried beyond belief until 27 weeks. It’s a long ass time to be terrified. It’s inevitable and it sucks, but there is not much we can do about it. You are so close and so far away… just know that this time will pass and as I have proven, you CAN bring a baby into the world even after a huge second tri loss and mounds of stress. We will be here to help you through it. Just vent away.

  13. Kerstin May 1, 2013 at 12:21 #

    My couch still shows a big imprint of my ass. Or, to be true, of just one butt cheek and my ribs, because I was told not to sit but lie on my side. The left one. Oh those were months of fun.
    But now my couch is also full of big stains of half digested spit up milk. And this makes up for the imprints.
    I so hope your couch will look (and smell) like mine !!! (Who cares for visitors, anyway.)

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