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Eff This

28 Apr

I spent two years building and nurturing this space. I’ve changed my mind. I don’t think I want to abandon it after all.

But heed this oh ALIers, I will not take any shit from anyone. If one person dares to make a bitter comment I will unceremoniously serve you with a can of whoop-ass. I don’t quite know how to whoop ass virtually but that doesn’t mean I won’t try.

Yes, I am pregnant. I am also terrified. I’ve spent the last two months on modified bed rest. I’m now two and a half weeks away from viability. I am now a week away from the date I lost Nadav. I am having daily panic attacks.

I cry when people ask “how are you”. This is how bad things are. So if anybody dare question my pain and difficulty, step away now. I don’t want you to read this. I don’t want you to read anything I write because you are an insensitive selfish asshole.

Seriously, go away.

Everyone else, feel free to hang around. Or come back. or whatever. I don’t know how often I’ll post here now, but I do know that things are getting really hard around here, and some bloggy venting certainly won’t hurt. And this is where I would like to do it.

So if there’s anybody still out there, welcome back. I hope you stick around for a while.

Unless you’re a bitter asshole who can’t handle the fact that I’m pregnant and freaking out about it. In that case I really want you to go away. Comments are fully moderated for the time being, so it won’t even get you the attention you may be seeking.

Ok good. Point made. Hi there everyone!

**Edit for a technical note**

My domain name needs renewing, so for the time being find me at the wordpress.com URL. Hopefully I’ll get that sorted soon. In the meantime, hope it’s not messing too much up. 🙂

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72 Responses to “Eff This”

  1. Nonsequiturchica April 28, 2013 at 00:31 #

    Welcome back we have missed you! Glad B5 is still cooking in there, but I can completely understand how you must be terrified about the next couple of weeks.

    How have you been surviving the modified bed rest? I was put on not quite bed rest but close because of a large subchorionic hemmorhage (SCH) on Weds and the past few days have been hard and boring- I have no idea how you have done it the past two months.

  2. Angel April 28, 2013 at 00:32 #

    You don’t know me, you won’t know my name I don’t have a blog and I rarely comment. However, I spent six years in the ALI community and I’m writing this one-handed while holding my four-month-old miracle.

    People will never understand- even I cannot fully understand what your private journey has been. But I want you to know that you’re in our hearts we’re praying for you and cheering for you from California.

    I know these days must be a crazy mixture of emotions, but hang in there just a few more weeks. And vent away!!

    Angel

  3. April April 28, 2013 at 00:43 #

    Mo! It is so good to have you back. Vent, vent, vent! If you get any crappy comments from near Louisiana, lemme know and I’ll go beat em up.

    But I hope you receive nothing but support, especially for the next few weeks. *hugs*

  4. clwalchevill April 28, 2013 at 00:45 #

    Glad you’re back on the horse, lady. Write it out. Ignore the haters.

  5. SRB April 28, 2013 at 00:45 #

    Hey girl…<3 🙂

  6. Bear April 28, 2013 at 00:48 #

    I hate how people try to ease their own pain by hurting others. I can’t imagine what you must be feeling, but I’m happy your little girl is hanging in there. Vent away, especially if it helps you keep from losing what little of your mind you have left.

  7. Keiko April 28, 2013 at 00:49 #

    I’m so glad you’re back. Had missed you. I’m also glad you saw that your domain had expired – I didn’t have a way to contact you but reached out to a mutual friend to see if they could get in touch with you to let you know.

    Welcome back – you’ve definitely been missed in my Reader.

  8. kelley April 28, 2013 at 00:54 #

    Well, I am glad you are back. I missed you, your writing and I’ve been thinking of you on bed rest with a lovely, healthy baby in your belly. I’ve just been sending those good thoughts out there to you for a few months, because I just finished an unsuccessful 5th IVF and I am rooting for good things for anyone that goes through this shit! I know it’s hard for you to feel the awesome feelings yourself right now, but please know that you are making someone else feel better just by writing and connecting with us infertiles. So thank you.

  9. slese1014 April 28, 2013 at 00:58 #

    I love this post….I can’t imagine what you’re feeling right now, but I hope and pray for you and that little one every day…glad you’re back, you have been missed. You have laid down the law and I love that. Thanks for changing your mind!

  10. Yula April 28, 2013 at 01:06 #

    You go girl!

  11. KeAnne April 28, 2013 at 01:07 #

    Welcome back & I am hyperventilating a bit on your behalf given the milestones you have coming up, so I can only imagine how you must feel right now. Sending you love & strength & honestly, the fact that you have to put disclaimers and warnings in your post makes me wonder what the hell kind of world we live in.

  12. maria April 28, 2013 at 01:13 #

    Glad you’re back! I miss Bitter Infertiles too! Writing is so therapeutic, I’m glad you have this community and place to vent if needed! I’m so excited for you and will continue to think of you over the next few weeks! 🙂

  13. Jill April 28, 2013 at 01:18 #

    Hurray! I missed your unique writing style! And I’m glad B5 is still hanging around! Sending good thoughts your way from Canada:)

  14. Esperanza April 28, 2013 at 01:31 #

    Mo! I’m glad your back. I’ve been thinking about you a lot, wondering how you were. I can’t imagine how stressful and upsetting these weeks, days, hours and minutes must be. I hope they pass as quickly and uneventfully as possible.

    Sending love and light.

    Abiding with you.

  15. Karin April 28, 2013 at 01:40 #

    Omfg so effing happy!!! Eff them m-f’ers! So glad you are back… And I just keep praying for you!! And shmerson and for B5!!

  16. Bon April 28, 2013 at 01:48 #

    Welcome back!! Been thinking of you!! xxxx

  17. pcosbarrenness April 28, 2013 at 02:07 #

    So glad you’re back!

  18. Kelly April 28, 2013 at 02:12 #

    I will join the others in saying Im glad youre back!
    I also held my breath as I read the second half of this post. You are in my thoughts and I will do the only thing I know how to do….pray. Im thinking of you, Mo!

  19. Trisha April 28, 2013 at 02:30 #

    Oh Mo. I have been thinking about you daily and hoping everything was alright. And I know, it’s not alright, not after all you’ve been through. But I am happy to hear that you are still here and doing your best to cope. Ill continue to send all the positive vibes I possess your way over the next few weeks. There are still people out there that care about you and only want you to be happy. If you need anything please let me know!

  20. Wannabemom April 28, 2013 at 02:38 #

    You’re back!!!! Hurray!!! Vent and rant away! I’m sorry this pregnancy has been so crazy-making. Sending you virtual hugs, whatever those are.

  21. KIM April 28, 2013 at 02:42 #

    Happy you are back. Sending only good vibes your way>

  22. JP April 28, 2013 at 03:02 #

    Welcome back. Sending hugs.

  23. Artistmouse April 28, 2013 at 03:09 #

    Welcome back! I’m sure that I’m not the only person that has missed your witty humour. I can’t even begin to imagine how tough things must be for you right now, but I hope that all the readers that return or start following your blog are nothing but pillars of strength to help support you through the next few months. Big hug!

  24. Amy April 28, 2013 at 03:11 #

    So very happy to hear from you, though not happy to hear how hard the present is for you. High fucking five on making it through two months of bedrest! I know it seems like the hardest parts are yet to come, and that is probably true, but in the meantime please give yourself metric fucktons of credit for doing what you’ve needed to do to even get to this point. These are not small accomplishments! Very proud of you, Mo. I hope your panic and worry are eased by being back here. We definitely have missed you.

  25. missohkay April 28, 2013 at 03:16 #

    I can’t tell you how excited I was to see a post pop up in my reader (and then terrified for a split second about what that might mean so WHEW to that). I’ve been thinking about you a lot this past week and had writing you an email on my short list. I would be thrilled to see you reclaim this space. I hope that writing (and supportive comments) help alleviate the panic a little. ❤

  26. Aspgriswold April 28, 2013 at 03:24 #

    So glad that you are back!!! I’ve been thinking of you and am here to support you!!!

  27. Daryl April 28, 2013 at 03:38 #

    You’re back! I’ve been thinking of you and B5. So glad you’re both doing well. Sending you lots of good vibes to get through the next milestone!

  28. Jenny April 28, 2013 at 03:38 #

    It’s great to see you back. I’ve been thinking of you and hoping that everything is going as well as can be. You have been missed.

  29. steph50 April 28, 2013 at 03:39 #

    So glad you’re back!! Vent away!

  30. SM April 28, 2013 at 03:40 #

    Welcome back! We’ll be here for you through these next two weeks and beyond! I freak out a lot about my pregnancy too. I haven’t had a great a loss as yours but four losses has taught me not to expect to get a baby at the end even after passing all those horrible milestones. We just have to take it day by day and moment by moment. Thinking of you, sweetie!

  31. Christina April 28, 2013 at 03:47 #

    Yay! Welcome back and know that I’ve been and will continue to think of you guys! I can’t imagine how you are feeling with these next couple of weeks. I understand that they probably feel like this huge thing looming over you. I hope you know that there are more of us rooting or and supporting you than the haters!

  32. Melanie April 28, 2013 at 03:52 #

    I am so thrilled for you that you’re pregnant again and can fully understand why your freaking out. I’m glad you updated so I can send warm thoughts all the way from Canada. 2 weeks can seem like an eternity. I hope it passes quickly for you and that everything goes as it should. Hang in there. Melanie from invitroveritasblog

    ________________________________

  33. robin April 28, 2013 at 04:01 #

    Welcome back 🙂

  34. psychsarah April 28, 2013 at 04:23 #

    Glad to see you back. I’ve been wondering how you’re doing and thinking positive thoughts as your bed rest began. I will continue to think of you over the next few rough weeks. All the best.

  35. Justine April 28, 2013 at 04:34 #

    Holy shit. Breathing with you, or for you if that’s easier. I wrote about the need for friendship in my NIAW post … and that goes for this community, too. No room for the haters … there is too much at stake. Hang in there. We are holding on. And glad that you’re back.

  36. periodicmusings April 28, 2013 at 05:13 #

    So happy to hear that you are still pregnant. I’ve been thinking about you and hoping for the best. Thinking good thoughts for you.

  37. Amy April 28, 2013 at 05:18 #

    Oh, Mo!! When I first saw this in my feed I gasped…fear of what I might read, I guess. But now I’m fist pumping and grinning from ear to ear and giving you a big “f*ck yeah”!!! I’m so happy you’re back. You know you’ve been in my mind…I jus need to be a little better of letting you know when you are instead of sending one message to reflect a cumulative effort. Sending much, much love and support, always. Vent away. I know it’s hard and scary and unfair, this spot you’re in righ now. But girl, do NOT forget…you are fiercely loved!!!

    Xoxo!

    • Amy April 28, 2013 at 05:19 #

      Gads, sorry for all the iPhone typos. Overzealous fingers over here!!

  38. Mel April 28, 2013 at 05:47 #

    It was nice to see a post pop up tonight. Welcome back.

  39. Jamie April 28, 2013 at 08:41 #

    I’m glad you’re back!

  40. marwil April 28, 2013 at 13:27 #

    Yeah, vent away. This is your space and I’m glad you feel you wanted to come back here. I have been thinking of you. Hugs

  41. Melanie Early April 28, 2013 at 13:29 #

    Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! I’m so happy to hear that. I’m still here. Been thinking of you every.day but didn’t want to push you know? I can’t open your page though, a random ad site comes up. So glad to hear from you! XOXOXO Melanie

    On Sat, Apr 27, 2013 at 6:11 PM, Mommy Odyssey

  42. chon April 28, 2013 at 14:13 #

    Well hellllllo stranger.

  43. Courtney April 28, 2013 at 16:16 #

    Hello! Glad to see you and B5 are hanging in there! I hope the next few weeks go quickly for you so you can get into some uncharted, new territory of pregnancy!

  44. tracyturn34 April 28, 2013 at 19:35 #

    Glad you’re back, Mo! Sorry to hear about the last few months, but we’ll all pulling for you and B5 and hoping for the best!

  45. L April 28, 2013 at 19:47 #

    So happy you’re back. Wishing all the best for you and B5.

  46. l not the L already posted April 28, 2013 at 20:02 #

    Such joy to see a post and positive news continuing. SUCH a scary time. I know you are simply surrounded by supportive love from around the world. I remember…. and my little is 37 YEARS old…. I remember. We are holding your hands with love and caring and belief and hope in miracles. Breath in and out and know just doing that is VERY hard and takes much courage. With loving support…..

  47. Fertility Doll April 28, 2013 at 20:43 #

    I didn’t know and yay! Congratulations!!

  48. kerry April 28, 2013 at 21:56 #

    I am so glad you are back!! And I love the attitude! I truly hope that you can find the love and support in this space that you deserve!

  49. daysofserenity April 28, 2013 at 22:19 #

    Welcome Back! I’m glad to see you using this space again. I don’t know what sort of encouragement to give you, but I want to pass along my support. Hang in there! One day at a time.

  50. theyellowblanket April 29, 2013 at 01:59 #

    You were sorely missed! Glad you’re back. And I agree with everything you’ve said. Anyone who wants to give you shit can go fuck themselves.

  51. Ms. Fit April 29, 2013 at 02:15 #

    Welcome back!!! Thinking of you and sending HUGE hugs during this scary time. xoxox

  52. Trish April 29, 2013 at 02:57 #

    Hi Mo,
    So, so happy that you have checked in and hopefully are back. I miss your writing, miss how “real” you keep it. Eff all those who caused you trouble!! So happy to hear B5 is cooking as he/she should be. Best wishes for an uneventful rest of your bed rest. Remember to keep turning to avoid those bed sores!
    Trish
    San Diego

  53. Julia April 29, 2013 at 03:16 #

    HI! I’m a long time reader…I’m so happy you are back! I’ve been praying and thinking about you and B5. Seriously, you are one strong lady! Love and prayers will continue to come to you and your family from mine, even if you never write here again; but I truly hope that you do continue to write. Words seem so small right now, but good luck and hang in there!!

  54. Babycrazykiwi April 29, 2013 at 05:09 #

    Yay!!! So excited to see you’re back. Have been thinking of you and wondering if you were pregnant again. I so so soooooo hope that this time has a happy ending. I’ll send a squillion vibes from nz xxx

  55. Kristin April 29, 2013 at 05:12 #

    I am so glad you’re back posting. I’ve been thinking of you and am in for the long haul.

  56. A. April 29, 2013 at 05:21 #

    Glad to see you back. Weeks 16-23 of this pregnancy were pretty hellish for me. The fear was often too much to bear, but since 24 weeks, every week has put me in a better and brighter place. Not that 24 weeks is so magical, since delivering then would be a disaster, but it felt like at least getting there was the prerequisite for any hope, if that makes sense, so from there things just got slowly better in terms of my outlook and ability to cope. I really hope the same will be true for you. Thinking of you.

  57. RelaxedNoMore April 29, 2013 at 10:00 #

    Great to see you’re back! Sending hugs and good vibes!

  58. pandrns April 29, 2013 at 11:26 #

    Glad you are back and remember NO-ONE knows how you feel inside and NO-ONE has any right to tell you how to feel and what to write. xxx sending all the good vibes possible for B5.

  59. Connie York April 29, 2013 at 15:39 #

    Good for You !!! Glad to see you back and thrilled that you are on the path to being Mommy :) Praying for you !!

    ________________________________

  60. AK. April 29, 2013 at 15:58 #

    Never bow to the haters. Always do what’s right for you. Love you.

  61. Courtneyanna April 29, 2013 at 16:08 #

    Welcome back! I’ve been thinking about you! Glad B5 is growing like a weed. You already know the things I could say; you’ll be ok, it’s ok to worry, blah blah blah, you know it all already. So im just gonna say, I missed ya, welcome back, and kick some ass, sea bass! 🙂

  62. Shelley April 29, 2013 at 18:21 #

    So glad to hear you’re coming back to this space, and that things are going okay so far. I know the next 2.5 weeks will probably crawl but they WILL pass. x

  63. pjsarecomfyn April 29, 2013 at 18:39 #

    Well hi there! Freaking out is expected. We’re here with ya.

  64. dawnxoxo April 30, 2013 at 01:00 #

    Welcome back! You’ve been on my mind and I’ve missed reading about what’s on your mind!!

  65. Anna April 30, 2013 at 01:24 #

    Welcome back!

  66. Mrs BubbaT April 30, 2013 at 01:52 #

    Woohoo your back! I actually just checked 3 days ago for news of you. So from Australia welcome back and sending you lots of sticky healthy prayers

  67. flmgodog May 1, 2013 at 00:08 #

    I am so glad that you decided you couldn’t stay away. I keep checking up on you and the babe to see “what’s up”. You are in my thoughts. I know it won’t help you or change anything but I am sending happy, good thoughts to you and praying that you get the take home baby at the end!

  68. Gina May 2, 2013 at 21:17 #

    I’m so glad you’re back! I’ve been checking to see if there’s anything new and I’ve been pleasantly surprised. B*tch away! Sending you much love and courage!

  69. LisaB May 3, 2013 at 15:12 #

    Yay! Welcome back! You deserve nothing but love and support! I’m keeping you in my thoughts!

  70. Alissa May 4, 2013 at 20:51 #

    As always, glad to see you come back. This world ain’t the same without you. We’re all here to listen so spill sista.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Havaya Metakenet Redux | Mommy Odyssey - December 23, 2013

    […] then I came back. I came back here because no matter what, this space chronicles and honors the most difficult […]

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