Moving On

30 Dec

Two weeks ago this blog turned two years old. At the time, it occurred to me that I probably should write something to commemorate the occasion, but nothing came to mind.

That’s when it hit me that it may be time for a change, and I started to think about the future of this space.

I realized that the reason I no longer write here is because this space doesn’t feel like it’s mine anymore.

I think this is because of few reasons. The first is the perceived etiquette and expectations that come with being a part of the ALI  community. Part of being in this community, as amazing as it is, is that there are certain conformities that you end up feeling obligated to adhere to. There is an unspoken sense that if you don’t adhere to this etiquette you will face a backlash. We don’t talk about it, but it’s there. Another issue is the “obligation” to update constantly about your cycles and treatments. I no longer feel te need to do those things, and that need to over-share is more than met on the podcast.

I admit I also have another underlying issue. A while ago I wrote here about rubber necking, and how for every three readers who come in to show you support,  with a history like mine, there will always be one looky-loo that comes here to see how far your train has gone off the rails.

This space is burdened with my history. I am in a place in my life right now where I have to look forward in order to survive and to maintain my sanity. I think the heavy weight that Nadav had left on this place doesn’t allow for that. For every person that comes here seeking out my successes, there is another who checks to see if I have failed yet. That may follow me to my new blog, but I know I will feel less burdened by it there.

This isn’t an indictment of this community. It’s human nature at its core. I’ve been guilty of that myself. Because of that I am acutely aware of this happening, and this knowledge, coupled with my history, makes it impossible to truly look ahead here.

I have been in the trenches for three years now, and blogging for two. Most of the women who I started this journey with have long since moved on to pregnancy and parenting. For me, a pregnancy is not the happy ending, and a happy ending has yet to come. I’m still fighting, but the fight has taken on a new shape, one that no longer feels like it fits into this community’s norms. Though I love the support that women in the ALI blogosphere show each other, I hate the pettiness that rears its ugly head here on occasion. The territorial nature that this community has taken on in the last year, also disturbs me.

And I’m going to be truly blunt about things, because you all know I never mince words: I am over it. Seriously. I’m sick of obsessing over pee sticks and temps. I just want to move on with my life.

And there’s Nadav. Always Nadav. Because of this space, my son left an impression on this world. That is because of all of you, and I am forever grateful for that. But this space is truly his. It is heavy with the weight of him. Blogging about anything else here has seemed petty and wrong to me. It never quite rang true. I have decided that I will respect that this place has become his. I would like it to stay that way.

So, my dear friends, I am moving on. I will not delete this space, but I will no longer update it. I will leave my ties to the ALI community at the podcast, which fulfills my own OCD needs and hopefully helps a few others on the way. I will leave everything else to the new space that I have created. I hope to reclaim my voice there.This new space will not be announced on the LFCA. It will not go on the Stirrup Queens’ blog roll. It will not have a TTC timeline, and my bio will not be made up of my medical history. Because I am so much more than that. And it’s time I start to rediscover it.

Fair warning: I will also not be sticking to the accepted ALI ettiquette. I will not worry about triggers or jealousies. I will not use abbreviations, I will not be updating it with the minutia of my lady parts. I want the “normals” to read it without feeling like they’re reading a foreign language. I want to write it not for any audience, but for myself. Though I reserve the right to stir up trouble there whenever I feel like it.

So please feel free to follow me there, but do so at your own risk, because it will be unapologetic.

If you don’t choose to come, I will not be hurt. I hope you continue to follow me on the podcast and subscribe to that blog and twitter feed to stay updated about new episodes, because I will probably not be updating my new space when a new ep is published.

This isn’t me abandoning this community. It’s simply reframing my relationship with it, something that has been a long time coming.

As I close up this, my final post on this blog, I’d like to thank each and every one of you. You held me up when my world collapsed. I would not have survived the last two years without you. I hope to see you around in my new digs, and on the podcast blog.

Thank you for supporting me. Thank you for loving my Nadav. Thank you for reading.




21 Responses to “Moving On”

  1. Angel December 30, 2012 at 20:33 #

    Good for you, MO. You ARE so much more than ALI, we all are.

  2. SRB December 30, 2012 at 20:36 #

    I’ll be seeing you around, Mo. I’ll be grateful to you always, for everything you have given me. xoxo

  3. nonsequiturchica December 30, 2012 at 21:42 #

    I will absolutely be reading your new blog as ALL of us are more than our infertility. I try to make my blog about all different things (including infertility), because my day does not consist of infertility 24/7. Glad you will get back to writing again!

  4. Courtney December 30, 2012 at 22:26 #

    I am so happy to hear you say that you are more than your infertility. It takes a lot of energy, pain, and tenacity to get to where you are. It is no easy journey to be able to finally say, “I am so much more than THIS.” When you’re in the trenches, IF is all you can think about and it is exhausting even trying to think of anything else. Good for you for rising above that maddening place!

    You and Nadav (and Shmerson, of course) have touched my life and I am grateful for all you’ve done for the ALI community. Yes – the last year in this community has been interesting (putting it nicely) but it has also been very productive. Between Faces of ALI, your podcasts (even my husband found them on Reddit and asked me what they were all about!!), and more and more bloggers getting out there and saying, “I am infertile – listen to me!,” the ALI community is a better place.

    Best wishes to you as you rediscover ALL the things that make you YOU!

  5. delenn25 December 30, 2012 at 22:38 #

    I haven’t been able to comment lately, but I like how you wrote that you are so much more than just ALI…and I understand. 🙂 When people start to feel like they must censor themselves on their own blog, it is time to move on, and I support you on this! Good Luck!

  6. slese1014 December 30, 2012 at 22:46 #

    Wishing you all the best in your new space…I’m sure I’ll be over there too. Like Courtney said, you have touched so SO many lives. But ALI is just a part of who you are….I’m excited to see all of you. And well, I love someone who doesn’t feel the need to hold back. I’m all for stirring up trouble and as far as etiquette goes, well, I’m not very good at that either. And I think I’m even happier you are not closing this space down. So many who move on close off this part of their lives. This place has been a resource for so many….

    And well, I love the podcasts…I’m about 3 episodes behind, but I have them all saved…

    Good luck….

  7. Christina December 31, 2012 at 00:10 #

    Hear, hear! You are by far more than ALI. I think your reasons for starting new elsewhere makes sense, 110%. I’m definitely following you over to your new space. I can’t wait to hear about your success in all aspects of your life!

  8. Kate @ Infertile First Mom December 31, 2012 at 01:19 #

    Best of luck to you, Mo. You have been (and will continue to be, I’m sure) an inspiration to so many woman. Glad you are making this move for you. You deserve peace and happiness, and I hope you find them in all areas of your life.

  9. Lisa @ hapahopes December 31, 2012 at 03:49 #

    Love you and all you’ve done for this community. I’ll be following you to your new space because I like YOU so much… not your ute.

  10. justinelevine December 31, 2012 at 04:25 #

    Good for you. I’ve felt, when I’ve read here, that you–and your writing–are forces to be reckoned with. And I’m glad that you’re taking that power to a space where you feel you can use it, and not be limited by conventions. Reading forward, with you.

  11. Jenn December 31, 2012 at 05:13 #

    I will definitely be following your new blog. After I lost my twins I deleted my old blog that I talked about infertility on. I didn’t have that many followers and it was just too painful for me to continue writing on it anymore. I started a new blog and mostly write about cooking/baking and crafts. Once and awhile I mention something about loss and infertility, but mostly I share my travels and foods I make and my love of crafts.

  12. Shelley December 31, 2012 at 18:33 #

    All good things must come to an end but to me, this represents so much more than just moving to a new space. This is about letting go of the past (while still remembering it) and moving forward to a more hopeful future. Looking forward to following your journey in your new space, with your new voice.

  13. missohkay January 1, 2013 at 02:48 #

    I remember discovering you the first month you started your blog and loved it immediately. I loved your voice — which remains constant whether you’re telling us about your lady bits or your film-making goals. I look forward to reading more. Sending this space off with much love ❤

  14. Trisha January 1, 2013 at 07:08 #

    I’d follow you wherever. I hope this is the start of a new beginning for you.

  15. Tutti January 1, 2013 at 21:56 #

    I know how much that picture with Nadav’s name in the sand means to you. It is beautiful. Please know that I embrace you, and him, in my world. I wish for peace and hope in this next new year.

  16. Chon January 3, 2013 at 13:28 #

    I will follow on one condition. There must be rabbits. Ok?

  17. kate January 3, 2013 at 20:28 #

    Shit, that made me cry. I of course will be stalking your new digs and hope you stir up some major controversy 😉

  18. Alissa - MissC January 4, 2013 at 13:09 #

    I’ll still be following you at your new blog as well as the podcast. You have become a great source of support and even a few laughs. I completely understand your wanting to move on. I have wondered about that for myself for some time. I am not quite there yet, but it may be happening. Thank you for your candidness and know that I will always be thinking of your Nadav.

  19. JP March 8, 2013 at 19:52 #

    Just commenting to sign up for notification in 26+ weeks when I hope Moe has the happiest kind of news to announce.


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