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Babylost

24 Oct

A couple of notes first:

No new ep of the podcast this week due to jet-lagginess, hung-over-ness, and nauseousness, but we’ll be back next week with a vengeance (ness)?

And I’m back from the States! It was an awesome trip all around.

But that’s not what I want to write about today. Well, kind of.

On the last day in New York, just as we were about to fly home, I lost it.

Because the fact is that I wasn’t supposed to be on that trip. I was supposed to be home caring for my baby boy.

As amazing as the trip was, my life was supposed to be on a different path.

Grief is a lonely feeling. And though I know that a lot of people mourned Nadav, I still feel very much alone. It’s not for lack of support. i am feel very loved both here and in the rest of my life.

It’s just that I’m the one with empty arms. I’m the one who carried him.

I’m sure most of you have noticed that this space has been very empty as of late. I’ve been giving a lot of thought as to why that is. Why I keep reading your blogs but not commenting, why I can’t bring myself to write here as often as I used to.

And I think it has to do with this lonely space that I’m in. I don’t write here because when I’m not distracting myself with the day-to-day of my life, all I have to say is how sad I am. How empty I feel. And I don’t want to write about that, because writing about it doesn’t make it any better. And I promised myself that this space would not become just about that. I don’t want it to be that.

I think I’m just in a place where I need to keep most of this internal, so I hope you’ll all forgive me if my posts here continue to be sporadic for the next little while. I’ll be back here when I have something original to say, I promise.

In the meantime, please keep listening to the podcast. The girls and I love doing it, and we love that you listen.

And please be patient with me while I work through this.

Love to all of you.

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32 Responses to “Babylost”

  1. Lisa @ hapahopes October 24, 2012 at 02:17 #

    Love you and miss you. Do whatever you need for you.

  2. theyellowblanket October 24, 2012 at 02:20 #

    I’m sorry, Mo. Hugs!

  3. Jenn October 24, 2012 at 02:20 #

    Sending lots of hugs your way. I’m glad you had a good trip, I’ve had moments that took me by surprise where the grief just hit me. We took a trip around the due date for our twins that if I hadn’t lost them we wouldn’t have been on that trip and while it was a great trip I just kept thinking of how I should be home and adjusting to motherhood. I don’t know if you’ve seen the Carly Marie project of Capture your Grief this month with photos, but for me it’s been an amazing project. I’m here if you want to talk, next month will be 3 years since I lost my twins.

  4. Tami October 24, 2012 at 02:24 #

    I had a similar realization other day- that no matter how much I try to spread my pain to others through talking and writing- it is mine alone. I think we innately want to tuck the hurtful bits away somewhere or give them to someone. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way.

    I’m sorry you are hurting Mo. Take the time and space you need.

  5. A. October 24, 2012 at 02:28 #

    Big hugs to you, Mo. I relate to what you wrote very much. I also stopped writing in my blog. How many ways are there to say “My babies died. I am still very sad. My life right now is not the life I imagined at all, the life we came so close to getting. And I am not pregnant again”? There seems to be nothing new to say beyond what I’ve already repeated so many times it fails to fulfill any purpose other than reaffirming my sadness and emptiness. Thinking of you.

  6. April October 24, 2012 at 02:34 #

    You will get there. Love you.

  7. Lilly October 24, 2012 at 02:41 #

    Glad you had a good trip. Anything in life takes time and the nice thing is, you really get to take all the time you need. Hugs to you. BTW, I am a loyal listener and absolutely LOVE the podcast!

  8. Amy October 24, 2012 at 02:57 #

    Mo, totally allowed. I was there, too. All I can say is one day, and I don’t remember when, I just wasn’t quite as much. I would vacillate back and forth between “much better” and “losing my mind”, and now I don’t lose my mind anymore. It will come…it just takes the time it takes.

    You are so loved…and so is Nadav. ❤

  9. Christina October 24, 2012 at 03:05 #

    I think that is completely allowable and understandable. I’m glad to hear you enjoyed your trip. I’m glad you know that you aren’t alone in feeling lonely. Big internet hugs.

  10. Pcosbarrenness October 24, 2012 at 03:39 #

    Sorry you are feeling low…I totally hear ya and have been feeling that way myself lately. Hoping you feel better soon, and don’t worry about the lack of writing, I am loving the podcasts!

  11. Courtney October 24, 2012 at 03:48 #

    You have all the patience in the world from all of us. We don’t get it, but we understand. I have wondered how you’ve done so well, actually – and this break is not unexpected. Please know I think of you a lot and hope you’re doing as well as can be expected.

    I’m glad your trip was great!

    • Courtney October 24, 2012 at 03:49 #

      Well, that sounded weird, huh? I mean that we don’t “get it” – because many of us have not been in your shoes, but that we understand. I about died when I re-read that.

  12. Jules October 24, 2012 at 03:49 #

    Sometimes the best way to heal is to engage & put ourselves out there like magnets for support, and sometimes it’s better to emotionally hibernate and hunker down for warmth, so to speak. So I get it. ❤

  13. Esperanza October 24, 2012 at 03:50 #

    ((((HUGS)))))

    Abiding with you, now and always.

  14. SRB October 24, 2012 at 04:08 #

    This space is here for whatever you need it to be – or need it *not* to be. I’ll always be here, waiting for you to pop in, or stay a while.

  15. Seagull October 24, 2012 at 04:41 #

    I just want to say that i completely agree and understand your comment about “Grief being lonely.” Sending you hugs and comfort.

  16. R October 24, 2012 at 04:57 #

    I’m right there. And I love you.

  17. Daryl October 24, 2012 at 05:24 #

    Do what you have to do to protect your heart and your sanity. We’ll be here as often (or not) as you need us. Sending you hugs.

  18. Trisha October 24, 2012 at 06:27 #

    I get it. More than you know. Sometimes I feel like I am forcing myself to write. And I haven’t had to deal with nearly as much as you. You are forever my rockstar Mo, I’ll be listening and reading, whenever you feel like posting.

  19. marwil October 24, 2012 at 13:58 #

    Take the time you need. Love the podcast, in the meantime I’m listening for sure. So much resonates with me, all the things you shouldn’t be doing if it was different. It’s tough.

  20. nonsequiturchica October 24, 2012 at 15:16 #

    I definitely miss your posts, but completely understand if you are not wanting to write because it is not helping you heal. Keep up the great work with the podcasts- I’m finally caught up and can’t wait for the next one.

  21. notundecided October 24, 2012 at 16:04 #

    You don’t need to be original, Mo. You only need to be whatever you are at any given moment. Silent or venting, about anything and everything, or nothing at all – we are abiding with you. I’m so sorry that you’re not doing what you were supposed to be doing now.

  22. Detour October 24, 2012 at 16:09 #

    Mo, I’m so sorry to hear about your sadness. I also want to say that if you need to post about Nadav and your grief here, please don’t hesitate to. But don’t feel pressured to post or comment–quietude must be what you need now.

    Loving, loving the podcasts!

  23. pjsarecomfyn October 24, 2012 at 16:29 #

    Take your time, we’ll be here. (Hugs)

  24. whatrhymeswithinfertile October 24, 2012 at 17:58 #

    I just recently found your blog so I can keep busy by reading all your past posts! And I LOVE Bitter Infertiles, by the way. I look forward to it every week!

  25. Sunny October 24, 2012 at 19:22 #

    Aw, Mo…don’t even for a minute think that we are judging how often you post, or what you post about. There are times in everyone’s journey where it feels much better to quietly process things than to let everything hang out. I love reading all of you posts, whatever they’re about, and especially love hearing your voice on BI.

  26. Rebecca Pallack (@RPallack) October 24, 2012 at 20:44 #

    Honestly my life is so busy right now I haven’t had the time to listen to a podcast because the only way I can listen to it would be in front my desktop computer.

    Take as much time as you need for you.

  27. Will CarryOn October 24, 2012 at 23:18 #

    I’m so sorry. Unfortunately I know what you’re going through all too well, and am back in the beginning of that cycle once again now. The grief, the supposed to be’s, the sadness. It is a lot to deal with, let alone feel like you have to do so in a public setting. Do whatever you need to distract yourself and grieve. Know that you continue to be in our thoughts, and we are here when you need it.

  28. Alissa October 25, 2012 at 02:55 #

    I get it. I try to post as much as I can, but I have the same feelings sometimes. How many times can I talk about missing my twins? Granted I have Raz, but it’s hard to balance the happiness and the grief. Just know that you can talk about your feelings however much you want to, we are happy to listen and be there for you. No matter how much sadness you put out here.

  29. Anna October 26, 2012 at 00:24 #

    Love the podcast and of course, I will be listening. And will be waiting to read when you are ready to right. Thinking of you and Nadav and understanding that emptiness, at least in my own way.

  30. Ms. Future PharmD November 1, 2012 at 02:39 #

    Thinking happy thoughts on your behalf. I keep thinking that it will hurt less over time, this loss thing, and it doesn’t. It just hurts differently. Heal in the way that works for you, in silence or in moping or in being angry or in artwork, sharing whatever works for you. We’re all out here, cheering you on.

  31. TheStorkWhisperer November 3, 2012 at 03:15 #

    Sometimes posting is what we need and sometimes its just sitting back and processing it all on our own. I know you’ll do what is best for you.
    Please don’t think you have to hold back because you are saying the same things over and over. As someone who has experienced loss, it helps me to know that there are others out who can relate and who have the courage to talk about their feelings. Others like myself need these posts. It makes us feel comfortable enough to express our own pain.

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