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Crappy Birthday to Me

25 Sep

So today I’m 32 years old.

It’s also Yom Kippur eve, which means that at 5pm today everything closed down, and no cars were on the streets. Needless to say, the drunken celebration was last night and today all I have is quiet.

I generally love Yom Kippur. I don’t fast, I don’t go to services – but the quiet that falls on the entire country is beautiful to me.

Since no cars are on the road, kids ride their bikes in the middle of the street and everyone walks to some central place in the city and just hangs out for most of the night.

Today though, I couldn’t enjoy walking in the middle of the road. I couldn’t enjoy this rare bit of quiet.

All I could do was think about the fact that today I turn 32, and he was supposed to be here with me.

Shmerson and I would have taken him out in his stroller, and walked around, taking in the quiet and the kids on their bikes.

I would have held him as my mother brought out the cake, and he would have helped me blow out the candle. He would have been three months old.

So today, instead of quiet I feel the emptiness of what would have been.

And hope against all hope that next year – 33 – will be easier.

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29 Responses to “Crappy Birthday to Me”

  1. Amy September 25, 2012 at 23:17 #

    Love you, Mo. I’m so sorry it’s not as it should have been.

  2. Cristy September 25, 2012 at 23:19 #

    Many, many hugs my friend.

  3. Stinky Weaselteats September 25, 2012 at 23:21 #

    warm quiet hugs. And birthday wishes to you, even though its not being a happy one so far

  4. SRB September 25, 2012 at 23:28 #

    Squeezing your hand from all the way over here.

  5. Esperanza September 25, 2012 at 23:35 #

    Oh Mo. My heart breaks for you now and always.

    Happy birthday.

  6. marwil September 25, 2012 at 23:40 #

    Thinking of you and what should have been. Hugs.

  7. April September 25, 2012 at 23:42 #

    Love, hugs, and wishes for better birthdays to come.

  8. chon September 26, 2012 at 00:02 #

    Just hugs

    • chon September 26, 2012 at 14:05 #

      I forgot to say that my best friend and I decided 33 was going to be out power year. There were a few bumps but it ended up being a great year. My hope is the same for you x

  9. Jenn September 26, 2012 at 00:28 #

    Sending lots of ((hugs)) your way

  10. Kate @ Infertile First Mom September 26, 2012 at 00:35 #

    Sending hugs for this day and hopes for this year.

  11. Theresa September 26, 2012 at 00:55 #

    I’m sorry Mo. Wishing you a fabulous year this coming year….

  12. theyellowblanket September 26, 2012 at 01:22 #

    Happy Birthday, Mo! I’m so sorry Nadav isn’t with you. I am hoping/praying/wishing that 32 is a much more generous and fair year for you.

  13. Pcosbarrenness September 26, 2012 at 01:22 #

    Happy birthday! It’s so sad how these horrible events can put a damper on something that should be a celebration…thinking of you.

  14. Amy September 26, 2012 at 01:36 #

    Oh, honey. Oh, Nadav, how I wish you were here to help your mommy celebrate her birthday.

    I hated my birthday this year. I turned 38. My twins should have been 2.5 months old, but instead I was newly diagnosed with PPD and missing them for almost 8 months. My husband turned 41 Father’s Day weekend, just three months after my birthday, and his was shitty, too. It’s so hard to feel anything but sadness with a little bitterness on these “holidays” (I lump birthdays and anniversaries in there, too).

    Still , I am grateful for your words, for you sharing your experience with the rest of us, and so I will quietly celebrate you from the other side of the world.

    Peace, friend…

  15. delenn25 September 26, 2012 at 03:46 #

    I wish this year was so much better for you. I wish you peace and comfort this year. Hoping for joy and happiness the next.

  16. Courtney September 26, 2012 at 05:25 #

    Hugs to you from my little corner of the world. I hope that 33 will be kinder to you as well.

  17. Daryl September 26, 2012 at 06:00 #

    Thinking of you, Mo. And hoping that next birthday you have more than one reason to celebrate.

  18. jjiraffe September 26, 2012 at 06:58 #

    Abiding with you, Mo.

    Today is Darcy’s birthday, too. The best people were born on September 25th.

  19. Jem September 26, 2012 at 10:33 #

    I couldn’t face my birthday for a couple of years, so I know what you mean. I couldn’t face the idea of turning 40 and not being a mom. Let’s just say that 42 was a real celebration. I hope for this for you at 33.

    IF aside, I don’t get adults making a big deal about celebrating their birthdays. “Hey, you’re 57 years old, do you really need presents and a birthday cake? Five or seven-years-old… yes, I get that, but 57? Really”

  20. Keiko September 26, 2012 at 17:11 #

    It never occurred to me that Israel would shut down for the High Holidays. It must be both surreal and serene. Wishing you a beautiful birthday, an easy fast, and blessed memories of all those who have come into your life but left so briefly after.

    G’mar hatima tova.

  21. missohkay September 26, 2012 at 20:45 #

    Love to you. I know the symbolism and expectation makes these dates so hard. I hope you found peace in your birthday, if not happiness, and I hope this coming year brings many positives to you. Including a screenplay, ahem 🙂

  22. Lisa @ hapahopes September 27, 2012 at 00:19 #

    Hugs, darling. I hope you find some happiness in your day.

  23. Alissa September 27, 2012 at 03:27 #

    Oh Mo, happy (or not so happy) belated birthday. I feel such a kinship with you right now. I have been in a funk over M & A recently and my 32nd birthday is coming up on the 4th. I am going through many of those same thoughts and feelings. Wishing they were here with me to celebrate instead of waiting for my birthday to pass and their Angelversary to arrive. I can’t tell you how to fix it, but I can tell you I understand and am here for you. Thinking of you and hubby during this tough time.

  24. SM September 27, 2012 at 03:38 #

    Abiding with you, Mo. So sorry things are not how they should be. I so wish Nadav could be here with you now.

  25. Amanda (http://readingeachpage.blogspot.com/) September 27, 2012 at 13:42 #

    Happy belated birthday! I hope all of your wishes come true this year.

  26. Kristen G. September 30, 2012 at 04:00 #

    Happy birthday! Lots of hugs to you, and I’m so, so sorry for your pain. I did want to tell you that I’ve been thinking lately how huge a difference a year can make. Your grief over losing your precious son will not disappear, but there is a very real chance you could have a baby in your arms or on the way next birthday. A very real chance. Saying a little prayer for you today.
    XOXO

  27. jaclyn @ www.lilmsadventures.blogspot.com October 5, 2012 at 23:18 #

    Sending you lots of hugs and strength. Thinking of you often! xoxo

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. 33. | Mommy Odyssey - September 26, 2013

    […] This was 32 (trying to achieve pregnancy #5, mourning, mourning, mourning Nadav). […]

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