Grief, Birthdays, and Pee Sticks

21 Sep

So the truth is that giving up the illusion of control comes with some consequences.

These last few days I’ve been thinking about Nadav. A lot.

I’ve once again been sucked into the if-only-I-had-done wormhole. Replaying those last couple of weeks in my mind. Thinking about what I could have done differently.

My 32nd birthday is this coming Tuesday. I spent my 30th pregnant, and technically my 31st pregnant with Nadav (though he was just a follie at the time).

Now I’m going to be 32 and I’m still in the same place, only carrying a few extra pounds and the grief of losing my baby boy.

Yes, things are better than they were.

But the second I gave up obsessing over getting pregnant again I went back to obsessing about my son. Apparently those fucking pee sticks were taking up space, pushing thoughts of Nadav further into the dark regions of my brain. Now that there is no white noise the clarity of grief is back.

I just hope that this time it doesn’t stay around for too long.

My headspace is a mess today. I want to write more but I can’t come up with a single coherent thought.

So this will have to do for now.

13 Responses to “Grief, Birthdays, and Pee Sticks”

  1. cassiedash September 21, 2012 at 00:35 #

    I’m so sorry, friend. I don’t think the grief will ever go away, but I do hope you find relief from it now and then, and more and more as the days go on. Also hoping that you find light at the end of this long, dark tunnel. Sending you my love today!

  2. Amy September 21, 2012 at 00:39 #

    Ah. That makes perfect sense to me…easier to obsess over hpts than grieve for sure. What I’ve been told – and believe thoroughly – is that grief we din’t fully process and face will bite us some day down the road. We can only stuff those feelings for so long.

    Hugs to you…and sending a little wish that my babes find Nadav and give him a hug, too.

  3. Tami September 21, 2012 at 01:03 #

    Birthdays and anniversaries are so… tough. Tough in every sense. My birthday is next week too (cough36cough) and can’t help but reflect on my tender age and nativity when we started out on this road. I have no good advice for how to get through this. I somehow feel that only an inyourarmsbaby will help. And even still… there is part of our heart that is reserved only for Nadav. xxhugs

  4. Peaches September 21, 2012 at 01:05 #

    I can’t add to what the others have already said. Just know I send my deepest sympathies.

  5. Theresa September 21, 2012 at 01:57 #

    I am so sorry Mo. I wish I had something better to say than that.

  6. Jenn September 21, 2012 at 05:03 #

    Sending ((hugs)) I’ve had trouble with birthdays since I lost my twins. They were due just before my 30th birthday.

  7. Kate @ Infertile First Mom September 21, 2012 at 05:26 #

    Defense mechanisms serve an important purpose in the grieving process (even if they take the evil form of pee sticks). But it’s true that they gotta go at some point, when you’re a little stronger than you were before- so that you can truly deal with your loss.
    I’m sorry you have to feel this pain at all, but especially just in time for your birthday. May your 32nd year bring healing, hope, and a healthy pregnancy.

    • Fertility Doll September 21, 2012 at 17:57 #

      I agree with Kate on this. Maybe the pee sticks were a comfy distraction that numbed the pain and maybe you have to feel the pain to be able to work through it. For it to eventually stop hurting you as much as it – I’m not sure it’ll ever truly go. I know it’s easier written/said than done (working through it) and I can only imagine how much main you’re holding inside of you.

      I’m sending you a big hug. x

      Hug can be claimed here.

  8. jjiraffe September 21, 2012 at 08:28 #

    I am so very sorry. Abiding with you.

  9. Shelley September 21, 2012 at 16:55 #

    A million hugs to you. I wonder if your therapist suspected this when she insisted you back away from the pee sticks. I guess it is good to know, but at the same time, I’m sorry you’re hurting so much right now. Maybe time to get out the paintbrush?

  10. jaclyn @ September 21, 2012 at 23:49 #

    Sending a million hugs and lighting a candle for N for you!! Sorry you are going through all this right now!! xoxox

  11. Daryl September 22, 2012 at 06:48 #

    I’m so sorry, Mo. Thinking of you.

  12. Anna September 23, 2012 at 17:33 #

    I know how you’re feeling and it sucks. I went off my anti-depressants about six weeks ago and now I am coming up on the 1 year anniversary of the loss and all I can think is why the eff did I think I was ready for that? But then I wonder if I was just masking this pain with the meds and now working through it will make me feel better even without them. I don’t know. That might also be just a thought I’m having to console myself for feeling so rotten without them. It’s all just shitty and I wish we both can heal.

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