Did I Actually Agree to Do This?

13 Sep

10 DPO and I’m out this month. Not a surprise, because I popped on the tubeless side, but annoying nonetheless.

Now on to our too-scarce-as-of-late regularly scheduled blog post.

You all know how much I love my pee sticks. I sing songs to them, I nickname them affectionately, I hoard them, and shake them like etch-a-sketches when they don’t give me the result I want.  Lately my obsession has expanded into the realm of Fertility Friend, where I temp religiously and check my chart 4-5 times daily, obsessing over each spike and dip.

Yesterday, as I was eating some fattening food to try to temper my BFN disappointment I finally realized that I have a problem. I’m becoming this grotesque peeing charting and eating monster. I don’t like the look of who I am lately. Not one bit.

Today in my EMDR session, I brought it up to my therapist.

I don’t know how she did it folks, but somehow she convinced me to hand over all of my pee sticks the next time I see her, and in her presence I deleted the Fertility Friend app on my phone. She made me promise to pee on a stick if and only if my period is late, and to stop charting for the next three months.

In the throes of a lovely therapy session, I agreed.

I already have the shakes from this process dear readers. Withdrawal is settling in. Twice today already I’ve gone to my phone to look at my chart only to realize that there is no chart to look at. At least once I caught myself thinking about when my next date of expected ovulation is only to realize that I have no way of speculating.

My therapist wants me to try a few months of trying for a baby the way normal people do it. Baby makin’ sweet sweet lovin’ every other day with no aids. Oh the horror!

In short – she wants me to give up control.

Next week is Rosh Hashana – the Jewish New Year. In honor of the occasion we made a list of all of the things I need to let go of. Guilt, the need to constantly control, self loathing, and pee sticks.

Oh, pee sticks!

She asked me what charting and all this freaking peeing was truly giving me. I admitted that it was the illusion of control.

Of course – she pointed out that this is precisely the reason I need to give them up.

So I agreed. I’m doing it. No charting or peeing for the next three months.

Holy crapnuggets – what the hell am I supposed to do with all of this free time?

Now pardon me while I crawl into a corner and shake while in the fetal position.

38 Responses to “Did I Actually Agree to Do This?”

  1. Jenny September 13, 2012 at 19:44 #

    It’s scary, I know. When my husband I decided to take a break, I was terrified of letting go of my faux control. (If I know what my body is doing at all times, I can control it!) But after I got over the initial trauma, I began to enjoy it. I was no longer a slave to a thermometer and OPKs. We had sex because we wanted to, not because we had to, and it was great for our marriage.

    You can do it, Mo! And I think you might actually come to enjoy the break. Good luck! 🙂

  2. Lori Lavender Luz September 13, 2012 at 19:44 #

    Wow. That’s hard core.

    Good time to take up needlepoint?

    Go, Mo — you can do it! (errrr….or not do it, as the case may be)

    • Mo September 13, 2012 at 23:22 #

      Needle point or knitting. For sure!

  3. Heather September 13, 2012 at 19:50 #

    I’ve no doubt you can do it! Sending lots of encouragement your way.

  4. cassiedash September 13, 2012 at 19:55 #

    I’m impressed. Brave girl!!! I don’t think I could do it if I tried.

  5. Kathryn September 13, 2012 at 19:58 #

    They can take away your pee sticks and your apps, but they can’t take away your EWCM! damn it, stop it with the control already Kathryn!
    okay, you can do this. What a challenge. I am wishing you the best, it will make for interesting Bitter Infertiles talk though 🙂 Love the podcast

    • Mo September 13, 2012 at 23:21 #

      Lol if only that we’re true! My cm is all over the place. I have nothing I tell you! NOTHING!!!!

      • Kathryn September 14, 2012 at 03:10 #

        DAMN IT! I never had CM either. I remember the first time I ever saw it, I screamed bloody murder, what the hell is this stuff?! that was over a year of going off the pill. Then it only happened a few other times.
        I wish you had some 😦 I’m sorry Mo. Can’t they bottle that stuff up and sell it on the black market? and preseed doesn’t count.

  6. SRB September 13, 2012 at 20:20 #

    Holy shizz, Mo! That is a HUGE leap of faith – in yourself! I’m very proud for a) agreeing to do it and b) putting it all out in the open here for accountability and support! You got this!

    (Also, HILARIOUS comment above Kathryn!)

  7. Rebecca Pallack (@RPallack) September 13, 2012 at 20:22 #

    For me, being unmedicated cycles now, the opk is about the only way, besides all the freaking pain that I know I ovulated. I’m only doing the HPT’s had a totally unopened 25 pack now for three months, to show to the doctor that I think I have the right to believe that I’m forming another cyst since the three hpts I’ve taken over the past three days have all been negative. I have ovarian cyst problems frequently. I’d love to go pee stick free if possible.

  8. Belle September 13, 2012 at 20:50 #

    You can soooo do this! And I think you will be surprised at how much control you feel over controlling your impulses. You should know that I read this while walking back from the pharmacy (finally filling that prescription I emailed you about – thank you email coming soon) and your control inspired me to control my Starbucks craving. I walked back to work and had grapes instead. Who knows, maybe by not peeing on things you will revolutionize the ALI blogging community? Or maybe Starbucks will just lose a little of my money. 🙂

  9. Marie September 13, 2012 at 22:14 #

    Send all your pee sticks to:

    Marie Marandola
    8171 Vincetta Dr #15
    La Mesa, CA 91942

    Srsly, your therapist is just going to let them go to waste. I will pee on all the things for you. ❤

    • Belle September 13, 2012 at 22:14 #

      Lol! I like this idea! Perhaps you should parcel them out to your blog readers instead 🙂

      • Mo September 13, 2012 at 23:18 #

        Methinks I shall do a giveaway. Good idea!

  10. theyellowblanket September 13, 2012 at 22:30 #

    I was charting using my ladycomp and Fertility Friend, and I started having really severe insomnia because I would wake up SEVERAL hours before I had to take my temperature and just wait there, trying reaaaally hard not to move, not falling back asleep, and just waaaaiting to take my temperature to see if I ovulated. I finally made my husband take away my ladycomp, and it was the best decision I ever made! Good luck! You can do it!

  11. Shelley September 13, 2012 at 22:33 #

    FREEDOM!!! Seriously, you can do this! It seems so hard now but it’s very possible you’ll grow to like it – love it even! I’ve had an off and on relationship with charting, and you well know my stance on pee sticks. All that gives you the feeling of control, but it gives me the feeling of obsessing over something I can’t control, which makes me feel less in control than ever. At least when I’m consciously not thinking about TTC, I can think about things I can control. Like how much I blog, how many pictures I take, how often I exercise, etc. This is a good thing – I’m proud of you already!

  12. Kate @ Infertile First Mom September 13, 2012 at 22:36 #

    Throwing out pee sticks does seem like a giant waste, though I get the need to kiss them goodbye (just metaphorically, I hope) for closure purposes. Hmmm. Have a contest and the winner gets your supply of (magical?) pee sticks?!
    I’m pulling for you and have loads of respect for your decisions to embrace and then go public with this oh-so-therapeutic endeavor!

    And Kathryn’s comment is hilarious, but also true! You DO still have your EWCM. Nothing says “let’s get it on” like some good EWCM!

  13. Esperanza September 13, 2012 at 23:03 #

    Wow Mo, I am really impressed. I’m not as “into” pee sticks but I don’t know how I’d deal with not charting, especially when my O date is so elusive, one month it’s CD21 and the next it’s CD9. I hate temping though and I too obsess over every drop and spike in my chart. It probably causes me more stress than I realize. Maybe I should stop temping too. I can’t imagine not knowing when when I Oed though, but it would probably be good for my mental health.

    To be fair to us charters, for those with fairly regular cycles, charting is not really necessary. But when your cycle can change so drastically from one cycle to the next, it’s a lot harder. Still, I’m probably just making excuses. I shall ponder this and let you know if I’ll be joining you on this wild ride. 😉

    • Mo September 13, 2012 at 23:16 #

      Mine has been erratic too! That’s why I’m freaking out so much! Join me in the insanity!

  14. steph50 September 13, 2012 at 23:04 #

    You can do this! I try to refrain from charting (especially in DPO) because I obsess over it, too. As in, I get mad if I don’t agree with the thermometer! So I only allow myself to chart a few days before I’m supposed to ovulate and a few days after. You’ll see, it will feel amazing not to spend hours looking a pregnancy charts to see if they match yours! Hahaha!

  15. Esperanza September 13, 2012 at 23:17 #

    Okay Mo, after reading everyone’s comments I decided I will too through away my thermometer. The idea of doing that make me want to hyperventilate but you know what, that is probably exactly why I should do it. Thanks for prompting me to do this. We can email each other when the urge starts to over take us!

  16. Courtney September 13, 2012 at 23:28 #

    I struggle with IF control in the same way, but with spreadsheets. Lots and lots of spreadsheets. If someone (SRB*) asked me to give them up, I’d fly myself to her country to punch her 😉

    Good on you! This is HUGE!

    * I pick on SRB because she’s the one who made me realize that I use spreadsheets as a way of feeling in control. She.is.right.

  17. Daryl September 14, 2012 at 01:41 #

    Wow. Good for you, Mo! I don’t temp, and I only used OPK’s for one month, and it drove me kind of crazy-obsessive. Not good. Besides, you can’t go wrong with every-other-day sex, or sex just because you feel like it! (What a concept!)

  18. fromheretomotherhood September 14, 2012 at 01:50 #

    Wow, I can relate! I stopped temping because it was consistent for 3 months and figured it was stressing me out more than anything. But I had bought a ton of OPKs so I am using those because otherwise it feels like a waste. Also, since I’m doing acupuncture with one of the goals being to move up my ovulation date, I feel that I need at least OPKs to check if it’s working (if I see a shift, I’ll start temping again to confirm). You’re brave and stronger than I am to give up your pseudo-control. And you’re totally right about it giving you the illusion of control in such an uncontrollable situation. The whole TTC thing has confirmed for me that I am in fact a control freak!

  19. lrm1102 September 14, 2012 at 04:26 #

    You are a brave sole! Every time I try to say I am not going to POAS, I think I POAS more than I would have if I did not say that! Wishing you the best with handing them over and TTC the au naturale way!!

  20. jjiraffe September 14, 2012 at 09:03 #

    I feel like I have witnessed a September miracle:

    And Mo Shall Not Pee On All the Sticks
    And Esperanza Shall Not Temp

    Seriously impressed guys. Mo, I will send you a bunny needlepoint pattern and Esperanza, I will send you a unicorn needlepoint pattern if you chose to complete this mission.

    I haz incentives.

  21. Lise September 14, 2012 at 10:20 #

    Very brave! Good for you! I stoppet temping and monitoring when we decided to move on to ivf and ut was such a relief. Before i stopped I didn’t realize how obsessed I had actually been. And in my case for nothing, my tubes(or tube now) don’t work. And those times I actually got pregnant the chart didn’t show anything out of the ordinary. Such a waste

  22. Lise September 14, 2012 at 10:22 #

    Sorry about my strange spelling, typing in English with Swedish auto correct doesn’t work!

  23. Lanie September 14, 2012 at 17:06 #

    I couldn’t do it! Good luck to you! I’ll bet you find some peace being told to do this and actually have some fun sex over the next few months! Everyone needs a break from the insanity.

    Loving the podcasts! I’m all caught up. 🙂

  24. Sunny September 16, 2012 at 15:02 #

    My name is Sunny, and I approve this message. I think this is a fantastic idea, Mo.

  25. MissConception September 17, 2012 at 03:02 #

    I gave up temping quickly because it was driving me insane. Pee sticks are hard, but I think you can do this! Think about all the time you will have on your hands. We’ll keep you in line, you can count on us!

  26. Geochick September 18, 2012 at 04:40 #

    I don’t know how I haven’t found your blog before now…but thanks to Lori talking about the podcast and her involvement, I’m here! Great podcast, and you are totally my people. I too, ❤ Hollyw.ood Bab.ble-On. 🙂

    Good luck in your quest to give up on poas.

  27. Fertility Doll September 18, 2012 at 14:51 #

    It’s scary yet liberating. Maybe we should all try it for the month of October. I keep forgetting to use my Clear Blue Ovulation Monitor, so I kinda got a head start on this. So, sex every other day from day 7 is it?

  28. Elizabeth September 18, 2012 at 20:22 #

    Rock on with your bad self! I stopped temping a few months ago because I realized it was making me INSANE. I would wake up early and freak out when it was an hour before I was “supposed” to temp and then I was always adjusting things and sort of lying to my chart. It was…confusing. I have pretty regular cycles and reliable CM, so we just go by that now. But I think taking a step back is a good idea. It’s not permanent and you can always go back to charting/opking/peeing if you feel you need too. Good luck!

  29. jaclyn @ www.lilmsadventures.blogspot.com September 20, 2012 at 22:38 #

    You can do it!! I know its tough, but maybe you and your DH will find a new hobby to do together? something to make you smile? still here sweetie if you ever want to talk!! xoxxo


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