My Reader Runneth Over

23 Jul

A little housekeeping before I jump in:

GTT is still on! I had to push it back a week because I spent Thursday cooking for 14 people and Friday feeding 14 people.

My date with Ole’ Wandy today confirmed that I ovulated sometime over the weekend. But from the left, so I’m not too optimistic.

Now back to our regularly scheduled blog post.

Some of you guys may have noticed that I don’t comment as often as I used to. This is because I have developed google-reader-phobia.

I open my reader, click on a post, then immediately upon reading the header, I close the page.

That’s mainly because nine times out of ten the subject of a post is something like “X week bumpdate”.

Guys – this is freaking ridiculous. When did you all become so freaking pregnant?

Don’t get me wrong – I’m incredibly happy for all of you. I am just unendingly sad for me. (Emily wrote about this feeling far more eloquently than I ever could about a week ago.)

Here’s the thing – I’ve been lapped in real life, and now I’m getting lapped in the blogoverse.

There are generations in the ALI blogosphere. Every few months or so, a new crop of IF bloggers comes in, and an old batch of IFers move on to parenting. The people who’s blogs I initially started following (with very few exceptions) have long since moved on to parenting. I’m now about 5 “generations” behind those guys, still here. Still stuck in the same exact place only fatter and sadder (hey! That rhymes kind of!).

I can’t even hope to be rid of my phobia when I get knocked up again because I will never have a blissful pregnancy. Even most IFers tend to calm their anxiety once they hit viability. I don’t think I’ll have that luxury, and it sucks. Reading all of the happy updates has just become a constant reminder of something I’ll never have.

I’ve ranted before against preggo bloggers, but that was during a very bitter phase. I’m not even mad, because unlike before, I know all of these women and I’ve been following their stories for so long that I’m emotionally invested in their successful outcomes.

But it doesn’t make this any less hard for me. So to all my pregnant/parenting bloggy buddies out there – I’m sorry if I check out for a while. Please know that for once the cliche is right: It’s not you, it’s me.

27 Responses to “My Reader Runneth Over”

  1. A. July 23, 2012 at 22:19 #

    “Still stuck in the same exact place only fatter and sadder..” Story of my life, so eloquently put! I know what you mean…you aren’t alone, Mo.

  2. Jen July 23, 2012 at 22:19 #

    Mo, I know the feeling! It seems like everyone ’round these parts is getting knocked up. In Google Reader, I have now created folders for “BFP” and “IF” blogs and moved all of the blogs I follow to the appropriate folder. Then instead of click on “all items,” you can click on folders of the blogs you want to read right now. I read the BFP folder blogs when I’m in less fragile states. It helps!

  3. Belle July 23, 2012 at 22:21 #

    Oh I hear you, Mo. I have at least 5, if not a dozen, unfinished posts in my drafts folder about being lapped in real life and in the blog world. I’m incredibly happy for all these ladies and on good days I read through their new posts and feel inspired – they did it! I CAN TOO! Then other days, like today, I feel incredibly sad and jealous. Rather than avoid their posts like a sane person , I read them with this masochistic glee. “Look at all the happy they have!” I tell myself. “YOU DON’T” I beat myself up all day long reading their pregnant stories, then I go home and have wine and chocolate and still don’t feel better and probably just make my huge cyst covered ovaries more cyst covered. Forgive me, Mo, I just hijacked your comment box and spewed rant all over it. Blah.

    • Jenny July 23, 2012 at 22:35 #

      Well, if you’re looking to avoid pregnancy posts, my blog is the place to be! Nary a BFP lo these 18 months of actively trying. (I guess I can’t really count the sad, lonely, bitter years when I wanted to try but couldn’t.)

      *sighs and reaches for the chocolate*

  4. SRB July 23, 2012 at 22:37 #

    I know. I do. My door and my heart are always open. Love, always.

  5. Cristy July 23, 2012 at 23:02 #

    Here. In the same space. Results in me having a hard time commenting. Though worlds different from dealing with fertiles, still bittersweet.

  6. Esperanza July 23, 2012 at 23:02 #

    Dude, I so, so feel you (except it doesn’t sting me nearly as much as it stings you, so I can only imagine how hard this is for you, Jesus, it must be fucking hell). I have so many pregnancies in my reader it’s just nuts! How am I supposed to be not obsessing about all things pregnancy when I spent all day reading about all things pregnancy?! FML!

    I hope you know that I will personally email you if I ever manage to get myself knocked up, before I put it on my blog so you can delete the shit out of it on your reader and never think about it again until you are in a safe place to do so (or never, if that is the case). Of course I’ll probably not be writing much about pregnancy because, as that brilliant post of yours reminds us all, it doesn’t take much intelligence or ingenuity to do so.

    By the way, thanks for linking back to that meme within a meme post and graphic. Freaking hilarious, even after all this time.

    Love you. Abiding with you.

  7. Amy July 23, 2012 at 23:11 #

    Feeling lapped. Huh. That’s exactly the right term for how I feel. Tha is for giving me a word that encapsulates the suckiness!

    I’m still thrilled when blogging BLMs – especially infertile BLMs – conceive again, but once their babies are born healthy, I lose interest or something. Maybe I enjoy panicking vicariously through them?

  8. Trisha July 23, 2012 at 23:45 #

    Sending you the biggest hug. I wish I had more to say then that but I am not deep or eloquent or anything like that. Just know I’m thinking about you.

  9. Courtney July 24, 2012 at 00:05 #

    Ugh – I remember this happening when we were trying to get Matthew. I remember thinking, surely I’ll be pregnant by the time they have their baby,’ and then that wouldn’t work out. I’d have to find new people to follow because the people I was following were becoming parents. I think it’s hard to find new people to follow, because even though you’re doing it for your own sanity, you feel like a bad person taking the old people out of your reader. I had so much guilt over that. But what is important is how YOU feel, and how those blogs make YOU feel.

  10. Jenn July 24, 2012 at 04:13 #

    I can relate to the feeling of being lapped and it sucks, I’ve been lapped irl and online. I have friends who weren’t even thinking of kids when we started trying who now have a few kids while we are still trying for one. My blog is safe, I post crafts and recipes. If I do get pg again I will be worried the entire time since I will be high risk, I also won’t be able to calm down even if or when I reach viability, losing my twins took that innocence away.

  11. Emily @ablanket2keep July 24, 2012 at 05:07 #

    Um…totally blushing over here right now! Being lapped just plain sucks! I keep holding my breath for my bestie’s next pregnancy announcement. Her first is turning 1 soon. My dear Mo, Big Hugz and I am here abiding with you. That word still gives me chills it has such meaning and is just so perfect.

  12. mrs. brightside July 24, 2012 at 05:46 #

    My neurotic ramblings have been far from blissful, but I get it. Oh hell I get it. I was on the verge of categorizing my blogroll (but I’m too damn lazy) since finding others in the trenches was getting so hard in my full feed of pregnancies and parenting. I felt so left behind with my IRL support group and blogland. That’s the problem with hanging out with women who all want to get pregnant – is that everyone is trying to get pregnant. I was really bummed when I figured that out, so quickly after being so relieved at finding others struggling like me.

    I think of this bloggieland as being the most awesome understanding place on the planet. You take care of yourself first, that’s what is most important and I like to think that everyone gets that. Take care of you, Mo, take care of you.

  13. St. Elsewhere July 24, 2012 at 06:40 #

    I have spent years in the blogosphere, watching people go through the hoop while I stayed stuck on square one. I know that sadder and fatter part.

    I am here. Even though I am now crossed-over in your dictionary, I am here. And I hope that you would be through the hoop soon.

    Until then. xo

  14. cw July 24, 2012 at 08:03 #

    Oh I forgot “that” post!! Ha ha. I Only did one every five weeks!!

    Dude don’t stress. Anyone that is a blogging buddy gets it so you don’t need to explain.

    Just tell us what you cooked for dinner.

  15. jjiraffe July 24, 2012 at 08:25 #

    Confused Meme Leo is the best picture ever. And pretty much sums up how I feel about that movie.

    You can do more in a short post than anyone I know. Writing, FTW. Mojo Working had a good post about this a while back too. Let me see if I can find it…

  16. RelaxedNoMore July 24, 2012 at 10:16 #

    I’ve been lapped in real life, not only by colleagues 10 years my junior (one of them made it not only to #1 but also to #2 – within my relatively short time of TTC and IVF), but also by women a couple of years my senior, one of whom even managed to get pregnant by accident in her early 40s!
    So, yea, I get you. I do miss your comments, but I get you. And don’t you stress about it.
    Hugs to you!
    Oh, and I’m glad you ovulated at a halfway decent point in your cycle this time, even if it was on the wrong side – I hope it’s a sign of your body healing and starting to cooperate.

  17. marwil July 24, 2012 at 10:33 #

    I’m right there with you. Put the blogs in folders and you can choose which ones you want to read. I did that a while back when it got to much. Being lapped in real life sucks but you realise how much time has passed when it happens online as well. It’s a tough reality. Hugs.

  18. Lise July 24, 2012 at 13:37 #

    I so relate…I can’t even read pregnancy blogs now that I’m pregnant because I feel like a fraud. If anyone else gets pregnant I assume they will have a baby in nine months, when I get preggo I can’t even imagine even making it to the second trimester so there is no way I can identify with the preggo bloggers. I just hope it’s my turn this time, but there will be no bliss. Possibly less panic, but I doubt it.

  19. Sunny July 24, 2012 at 17:10 #

    I’m here with you Mo…I’ve been blogging a bit less than a year, but in that one year, I’ve seen about 75% of the bloggers I initially followed get pregnant. Granted, these bloggers had often been struggling with IF years before I came on the scene, but it’s still left me with the feeling of being held back a grade, or changing schools in the middle of the year. The friends at your lunch table shift dramatically, and you’re left sort of standing stupidly with your tray. It is hard to go back on their blogs sometimes because I simply can’t relate. I’ve also found that once past the first trimester, the tone of the blogs sometimes shifts from the constant nerves of being IF and pregnant (something that even though I’m not pregnant, I can relate to) to a general “pregnancy symptoms and what to buy/wear” blog which, if read out of context, would seem like any pregnancy blog you’d find out there. Not like I desire anyone to feel awful about that transition they make into being comfortably pregnant, it’s just so hard to feel like an outsider when reading their blog.

  20. Kristen G. July 24, 2012 at 18:55 #

    Totally, totally, totally understand.
    I’ll still be cheering you on, though. And I know one way or another you’re going to be doing a parenting blog one of these days, hopefully much, much sooner rather than later.

  21. Lex July 24, 2012 at 23:16 #

    I understand, I felt the same until very recently – sometime around 12 weeks along. My blog is currently about my pregnancy, and I did do the stupid meme a couple of times. The memes never really offended me before I got pregnant, I actually liked the option of knowing which paragraph to avoid reading (if I didn’t want to hear about heartburn or other symptoms) and getting an update on the person. So that’s why I did it. But I see your POV too. The memes do get boring after a few weeks anyway.

  22. Ozifrog July 25, 2012 at 13:02 #

    Ahhh yes, I get it. I always hesitate when tagging my posts as I never know where I fit. Stupidly dangerously riskily white knuckled on a roller coaster pregnant, with occasional normal moments…I can’t identify with other pregnant bloggers because “complicated pregnant” is so different, and I still feel like I’m living a fluke and am part of the infertile community. I feel like if I can see each of them make it, I’ll feel like we’ve earned this, or more positive that we’ll make it? I don’t know, hard to explain. It’s hard to celebrate your milestones but not be inane and rub your face in it to the IF community. I do know I’ll never have a glowy

    • Ozifrog July 25, 2012 at 13:05 #

      ..sorry…glowy happy easy pregnancy …and it makes the whole experience so different, and having a close friend who lost her boy at full term last year, I will NEVER take this for granted and never relax.

  23. internalplumbingissues July 25, 2012 at 13:35 #

    Hey Mo, I know just how you feel wrt to being lapped, not just by the RL’erd, but by the ALI community too, like you I’m not mad, I’m not even angry anymore, just sad for me and trying to appreciate what I do have, which isn’t always easy. Just wanted to say I know how you feel and send you some hugs xoxox

  24. TheStorkWhisperer July 30, 2012 at 00:11 #

    I’ve been lapped so many times, I don’t think I’m even in the race anymore. I’m totally with you on the bump update thing. I don’t read them and don’t intend to. Somebody needs to write an newly pregnant infertile’s guide to good behavior.

  25. skytimes July 30, 2012 at 19:35 #

    Come round my place! It’s a totally relationship-and-preggo-free-zone. 😉 (And seemingly will always be). Back home, catching up on your life and sending heaps of good wishes. xo

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