No More Room

18 Jul

So some of you may know that I’m taking a class this week. It’s one of the pre-requisite classes for my Art Therapy Masters, called “Physiological Psychology.”

And it’s kicking my ass. I haven’t been in school for more than 6 years, and this isn’t just school – this is biology. Neurons and cortexes and whatnot. Me learn science! Me haz smart! Monkeys fly out of my butt!

It’s five days, 6 hours a day starting at 8:30am. Needless to say, my brain is fried.

So boy was I surprised when somehow, in the middle of this godawful class, I found some new perspective.

A couple of days ago I noticed that one of the students in the class spoke Hebrew with an American accent. I didn’t know anyone in the class, and I was looking for a partner to do the final project with me in English, so I decided to go up and introduce myself. Tammy, 36, mother of 4.

We starting chatting up a storm and pretty soon we were exchanging life stories. Unlike a lot of people, she didn’t give me a look of pity or treat me differently when I told her about the three early losses and Nadav. Though she has only had one loss her pregnancies have been full of complications and anxiety. I don’t know how she managed to “get” me. But I knew right away that this woman got me.

Today we continued our marathon conversation and the issue of me being unhappy with my current support system came up. You all know I’m not in a great space right now. Though I feel there’s been an amazing improvement with my therapist, there’s a lot of bottled up trauma and grief that I just don’t feel safe enough to confront.

So Tammy suggested a few alternative therapies that helped her deal with her high-risk pregnancies, and I wrote down some stuff to google. We continued to chat about life in general, and trauma in particular.

I brought up the fact that my biggest worry right now is the burden our first child (no matter how we come to him/her) will have because he or she will be coming to us on the back of all of this loss. She paused for a second, contemplating.

“I think I know why you’re having a hard time getting pregnant again.”


“Think about it. 4 babies. You lost four babies and in a way, you’re still carrying them. There’s no room in there for another one.”

You guys know I’m not one for spirituality. Especially in the last couple of months. Very little light has been let into my dark little basement of a brain. But something about what she said was deeply resonant. It felt right. Something about it rang true.

I am so filled with grief and anger that there is no room to create something that is pure love. Maybe if I let a little of the grief and anger go, I’ll be able to make enough room to finally be a mother.

It’s rare to make friends with a person so quickly and easily. It’s even more rare when that person has such a deep and profound impact on you just as fast.


17 Responses to “No More Room”

  1. Trisha July 18, 2012 at 16:37 #

    WOW. What a statement! How unusual it is to find someone from a different walk of life that can get you so completely. I’m so glad you have her now.

    I’m seriously just sitting here thinking about that statement. Something I’ve never considered but makes so much sense!

  2. Cristy July 18, 2012 at 16:47 #

    Tammy sounds amazing! I’m so glad you two were able to find one another.

    This idea resonates with me too. Thee idea that I’m holding in to my grief so tightly that it’s preventing anything wonderful from happening. The problem is, you and I are use to being hurt. So it’s hard to let down one’s guard and hope for a brighter future. Still, maybe that’s one of the important things we learn from this journey: how to open ourselves to being hurt in the hope of finding the ultimate joy.

    Good luck with the rest if the class! I know neurology is challenging, but you can do this!!!

  3. Kristin July 18, 2012 at 17:55 #

    I’m so glad you found her and that your conversations are helping.

  4. Kristin July 18, 2012 at 18:46 #

    Wow! What an incredible connection. It must be kismet. Isn’t it amazing when someone says something that resonates so strongly it is as if they played a chord in your heart?

  5. Wannabemom July 18, 2012 at 18:53 #

    I don’t disagree with what she’s saying — there is certainly a mind-body connection. I just think there’s a fine line between that and blaming yourself (ourselves). We don’t have our babies in our arms because infertility and loss are giant crap shots. Do you think the pregnant crack whore is all zen and open to being a mother? Shortly after I loss my daughter, my esthetian (fuck! Why can’t I spell that word?!?) said something along the lines of maybe I wasn’t ready and it was because I don’t have a relationship with my (toxic, personality-disordered) mother. I nearly jumped down her fucking throat.

    Anyways, just my 2 cents. I’m glad that you expanded your support network… it matters so much.

    • Mo July 18, 2012 at 19:36 #

      I think you’re right on a lot of levels, but I don’t think it’s just a question of self blame.
      At the end of the day, my pregnancy with Nadav was filled with so much anxiety that I could barely function. So to say that my current state is a result just of losing him would be completely wrong.
      I may have no control over the hand I’ve been dealt, but I do have control over what I do with that hand.
      Sending huge hugs your way.

  6. JourneyGirl July 18, 2012 at 21:58 #

    I love that connection when someone ‘gets’ you, I’ve found that along the IF journey, very few people do. I have never suffered any losses so I would never presume to to know at all what it’s like so you can feel free to tell my to sod off and mind my own business.

    I am a big self blamer, so when I had failed cycles, I would invariably believe that it was my fault. After my last failed cycle I came across the website ‘fertile heart’, at first I scoffed at the concept of ‘meeting your child halfway’ but since then I have done some of the body work and visualisations suggested (yes, I felt stupid) and it made me feel better. Their philosophy kind of popped into my head when you talked about not having room. I’m not suggesting it as something that will ‘fix’ you. I think that everyone has their own way of dealing with things, I’m just throwing it out there as something interesting.

    All the best.

  7. missohkay July 19, 2012 at 03:56 #

    That is pretty profound. I need a Tammy in my (non-internet-based) life, too.

  8. lrm1102 July 19, 2012 at 04:25 #

    It is so hard to make friends – I am so glad you have a new friend in your life. Having friends who understand you is so helpful. I am glad that she has helped you already in the short time you have known her.

  9. jjiraffe July 19, 2012 at 09:00 #

    Her insight gave me the chills.

    I can’t remember if you’ve ever talked about the Jizo statues. I know a few women in real life who bought them to commemorate their losses. Not a cure-all by any means but perhaps a way to formally mourn? I know Bodega Bliss Bought one and wrote about it…

  10. Rebecca Pallack (@RPallack) July 19, 2012 at 20:34 #

    Very interesting way to think about it. I do hope that the anger and grief will soon be eased and that you’ll be announcing a pregnancy by the end of the year.

  11. Stinky Weaselteats July 20, 2012 at 04:05 #

    Yay for Tammy. Have found my own ‘Tammy’, unfortunately on a separate continent completely, who I connected with online properly after my 3rd mc – its awesome ‘talking’ to her, although her experiences are quite different, she still understands somehow. And yes she has that ‘alternative’ perspective which sometimes grates coming from certain people, but I know with ‘my Tammy’ where her intention is.
    And yes, I have now met her irl and she is every bit as awesome, and more, than she is online (so not some weirdobloke masquerading!)
    Love meeting people like this – its so few and far between but totally makes up for all the ‘filler’ when you get that connection with someone.

    (I do feel though that you will always ‘carry’ those four babies in some way)

  12. l July 20, 2012 at 06:55 #

    Bet Tammy is cherishing you too. Wonderful gift you each have been given. Best wishes.

  13. Emily @ablanket2keep July 23, 2012 at 02:32 #

    What she said gave me chills too. Wow! Finding someone that gets you is amazing.

  14. Courtney July 23, 2012 at 05:04 #

    I like what she said, because I think there’s some truth to it – in a very spiritual way (and no – I’m not a religious person either – but I’m a big believer in fate). Simply put, there are some things to deal with and then release before you can take on another pregnancy. You’ve already had several pregnancies wrought with fear and anxiety (and rightfully so) – and your heart may just know that you can’t have another pregnancy like that right now.

    Who knows!

    A mutual friend of yours and mine (SRB) told me something tonight that I think applies here. She said that having my heart in a different place, a better place, may make things easier for me. I believe that – that things can’t get better without your heart leading the way.

  15. pjsarecomfyn July 25, 2012 at 20:07 #

    reading that literally gave me chills. I think I agree. You love them, you mourn the “might have been”, but you need to free up that space for the next little one.

  16. nobabyruth July 26, 2012 at 14:12 #

    What a wonderful surprise to come across a kindred spirit of sorts. I’ve heard that idea before – that you can’t reach out for something new if you still have your hands full – and I do think that it makes a lot of sense. As Wannabemom says above, IF is about crappy luck in many situations and not about being in the right mental place. However, being in the right mental place makes dealing with IF (and the rest of life for that matter) a hell of a lot easier.

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